"I'm no longer scared?"

Eight heroines of the project of photographer Sergei Stroyelev survived breast cancer - and tell how one diagnosis changes any ideas about himself and the world around him

About 55 thousand cases of breast cancer are detected annually in our country - this is a lot. And for statistics, numbers are the stories of thousands of women who fight the disease every day.

When the patient is diagnosed with Cancer, not only the operation is important, but also the condition after. First of all, this is emotional work on oneself, the process of accepting your new body - from the operation to the first step and the “first mirror”, chemistry and hair loss. This is the process of struggle against fears - death or just misunderstanding of others. Is it possible to eradicate them to the end, is it necessary?

I learned about all this after a meeting with the mammologist Anna Kim-and decided to transfer this condition with the help of portraits. But during work, I also realized that this is more than personal stories. This is a powerful message to all women who find themselves in a similar situation.

Milk. X -ray photo: Sergey Stroyelev

In the project "I'm no longer scared?" Eight girls tell their stories that changed their lives, and think about what happened. The diagnosis and subsequent postoperative processes transformed their personality: they changed their attitude to themselves, to their femininity, by time and priorities. The first heroine of the project, Vera, was found thanks to Anna Kim, the rest-already through Vera, in their parties: pacement girls actively communicate on social networks, supporting each other.

For most women with such a diagnosis of NU-shooting, it is impossible for a number of reasons, including a complete failure to renounce themselves with a new body. But the heroines of the project decided on this step: for each of them it was the first such experience.

It is often said that the disease is given not just like that - perhaps this is a test to become even stronger. These girls found internal forces and sources that feed them in order to defeat all fears.

Anna P.

I was diagnosed with April 13, 2016. A trainee came to me: "You have cancer." I said goodbye to everyone for two months. I did not realize anything. All relatives supported me - the full room of people, I remember this very well. The sister was very scared, because our parents died of cancer. She saw my gaze, we sat on the sofa and silently began to cry. They appointed the operation - I came across a very cool doctor, then we got in the dressing room all the time.

Anna P. Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

Then there was a chemistry that I was very afraid: I thought that I could not stand it, I read a lot of negative. Chemistry is like a breakdown of a drug addict, you are like a frying pan on the bed. It was probably so bad due to the fact that there was almost no weight, the legs were refused, was in the embryo position. The husband was sitting near the bed, an ambulance came, but what could they do? It was a war, as on the front line, it was just necessary to survive this moment, since there is no way back.

Anna P. Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

Then she lost her hair - before that she had shaved a temple that she always dreamed of doing, her husband cried. He said that he could not shave me, threw out the machine. I remember it was a sunny day: I am with my head - and these views and fingers in my direction. One woman even pushed a stroller from me with her child, although perhaps it seemed to me. These metamorphoses with appearance make you work. You can’t relax: beauty is important in this period. Therefore, I began to paint, monitor the complexion of my face - chemistry hits a lot in these places.

Anna P. Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

But the adoption of a new body never happened. You stand, you look in the mirror, and there is a huge scar. Before the illness, I worked in the public service for five years, there was a lot of stress, I started to get sick. As a result, I decided to quit. Now I am more drawn to spirituality, to a dream. It also took a lot of extra people - the disease does not just come to a person.

I had a relapse recently, an insidious disease. But I'm used to fighting.

Elena

I was diagnosed with Cancer a year ago.

Then I needed to quickly hear the diagnosis and run to the meeting. Doctors said to run quickly for the operation. I recalled the words of a friend who said: “people like you, 99 percent will be all right”, but it wasn’t there.

Elena Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

At first I came across ambitious young doctors, they saw only the operating field, not a person: we will cut it like that. I had to change the place of treatment. There, the doctor clearly said: "We will save." I liked such a mood - and I trusted.

I remember how an ultrasound was done-I saw some monster on it. There was a terrible fear before the operation, there was not even thoughts, it was needed or not, it was just scary that life could be interrupted. Strong pains appeared in the chest area - already a star from the eyes. Moreover, I did not have a very good cardiogram, but here anesthesia and load, but the employers went towards - and I did not need to burst between work and treatment. This helped to calm down and focus on examinations.

Elena Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

I woke up after the operation in intensive care - there were no thoughts about the chest. I was all in the tubes, they gave out a bag for a jar with a lymph, which all postoperative worn: I crossed it in my own way, even though my hand did not work. I could not look at myself at the dressings - the first time I looked at home. The seam was terrible, but took it quite calmly.

Then there was chemistry. I knew that on the 14-15th day, hair should fall out. I remember we were with a friend at the exhibition of Kuindzhi with his white canvases, I straightened my hair and stayed with a clock in my palm. First thought: where is the nearest store with wigs. In the end, I bought it, but still I rarely wore it, for example, to get out onto my passport. Then she shaved in the hairdresser and cried in parallel. As a result, nurses persuaded me to walk bald, in a scarf.

Elena Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

The disease changes a person: I began to see less negativity in life, I try to find good sides in everything. Values ​​appear others. I began to engage in creativity: first, for distraction-to sew, draw, but now I just just can’t. The disease also makes you look at your environment differently - you part with unnecessary people. My life now is a clean sheet, a bad field. White canvas, like Kuindzhi.

Faith

I learned about the diagnosis by accident, he did not bring anything terrible into my life. Mom had a diagnosis, and she lived twenty years after that, so I had no panic. There was no feeling that this was the end. After the diagnosis, the examination began - this was the most terrible, nothing was clear at all. The husband supported, said: "You are not going to cut off your head." In fact, I am sure that the disease shows everything, it is like a litmus piece of paper: people do not turn away from a good person, but evil will become even angrier.

Vera Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

They did the operation. As for acceptance, it was quite difficult to accept the scar with all my do not care. There were no mirrors in the hospital when I came home after discharge - I unwinded the bandage and yelled in an inhuman voice, like a wild beast. The first phrase was: "I am a freak." The husband said that if you cannot change the situation, change the attitude. Every day I washed in my shower, looked at the scar, roared - but in the end I accepted, probably.

Vera Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

Three years later, I decided to start making a reconstruction - I was tired of walking with a prosthesis [breast]. Each girl decides herself whether she needs it or not, but if she thinks about it, you need to do it. But to understand: as before, it will never be. In order to not be excessive expectations from the result.

Vera Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

In fact, the external signs have never been primary for me. Femininity, it is in my head: if everything is fine there, then and what you look like, it doesn’t matter. And the fact that inside your head is work on yourself and awareness.

Anna Ya.

I learned about my diagnosis in the summer of 2014. The doctor said that she did not like what she sees. In the end: "You have cancer." Rather, not even like that: “baby, you have cancer” - in a calm and affectionate voice.

I went out into the corridor, my tears sprayed - I had to release emotions. I did not have any awareness: I did not read anything before and was the first in the family, to whom they made such a diagnosis.

Anna J. Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

From the diagnosis to the operation, the whole eternity passed - seven months, I made chemistry before. External changes reacted as an experiment with appearance and style. I would have to shave the hair anyway - they already remained on the pillow with shreds. I was very afraid of the operation, since I never had them. But then the fear left a little due to a long expectation, the thought sprouted that there would be no chest: the surgeon said that the preservation of tissues was impossible.

The operation happened - extensive and traumatic. I really wanted to see what the body looks like, I really wanted a beautiful seam. But there were no internal experiences, only physiological inconvenience. I felt normally, even admired my body. It used to be obsessed with fitness, there were many complexes, and when the chest was removed, she looked and thought: perfection itself. When you stand on the edge of the abyss, you begin to appreciate your uniqueness. It helped me a lot that my close people and friends supported me. They visited me, went with me to exhibitions. As for the man-I did not have a person who had to be checked by the disease, and men-friend were also supported.

Anna J. Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

It still seems to me that men are afraid of this diagnosis, if in terms of relations. I had one like that when I found out - left. I do not blame him: a person is afraid to fall in love, and then lose. The disease is very unpredictable, once - and relapse.

By the way, I tried to get a job - I could not find it. I have a disability, the third group: potential employers were afraid that I would ask for.

Anna J. Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

It seems to me that the disease leads to transformation - I began to feel deeper. The feminine is not the length of the eyelashes and nails, it is something at the energy level, absolutely for sure. This led me to emotional overwhelming, rebirth, you start life from scratch. Like a baby.

Eugene

I felt for the tumor myself. I went to be examined when I did an ultrasound - I almost fainted in pain. I passed the tests - there was a little chance that it was not so serious, but when I received the last one - a lump in the throat. She went out into the street - tears, could not decide for a long time to call her parents. It’s still scary - it is not clear what to do, where to run.

Evgenia Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

The operation was an expensive enterprise. So far, I drawn up all the necessary documents for a free operation, including the insurance policy, the tumor has grown. I found a doctor whom I trust. I went to the operation at the parade - painted, beautiful.

After the operation, I really wanted to configure myself to accept my body as it is. So my doctor advised me. But I felt inferior. There was a huge scar that became my most fat cockroach. There was a terrible self -eating - I am not like everyone else. A wig, and besides, it is clear in the face that it feels like it for several years, hormones affected the weight gain - in short, all 33 pleasures.

Evgenia Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

It took a lot of time to realize what was happening, and the environment was unkind. I was betrayed in the most difficult moment of my friend's life, my husband left after the operation - it turns out that he cheated on me. It was hard, we lived with him for a very long time. The son is a man who supported me.

Evgenia Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

I needed to wash the vessel, dry and fill it with new ones. It was a new self. The most difficult thing is to tune in and not think about what others think. Is it possible? You really need to accept yourself. There are different thoughts, paradoxical: “I do not like that there is no chest, goodbye,”-and sometimes you feel that something is missing.

Marina

They say that cancer does not come just like that - I do not agree with this. But I always considered myself a happy woman, active, sports, in the family of cancer no one had no one. However, she was registered, as there were benign formations in the chest area.

Marina Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

I came to a planned examination, saw how the doctor changed in the face, I already wound myself during the expectations, so the reaction was from the category "I knew so." She cried, but that evening she went to have fun with friends.

The operation was assigned very quickly, so there was no time to worry. During the operation, they did the reconstruction, put an implant. I also accepted him-now this is my body, although I feel something foreign inside. Then I was very lucky that they did not prescribe chemistry according to the diagnosis, so I did not have to go through the hair loss.

Marina Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

The husband was in a stupor for a long time: his father died of stomach cancer. But then they sat down, talked - he simply did not know what to say, how to behave. For two and a half years it was very difficult. Daughters were also scared. As for friends, then, in fact, I was alone, because people who did not survive this could not fully understand.

Marina Photo: Sergey Stroyelev

I myself changed very much - became fearful. The fear of death is still present, I am very in a hurry to live, I want to see more and have time more. As a small child, I rejoice at a beautiful sunset, something simple that used to pass by in a bustle, subconsciously convince myself that I will see old age. There were no such conditions that I do not want to live. I really don’t know what suicide can make.

Tatiana

The diagnosis was made to me eight years ago. Once I felt for a bump, which began to increase, ”they sent to the oncologist. It was a fright, a sensation from the category of “that's all”, a rather deep psychological trauma.

Tatyana photo: Sergey Strolev

However, somehow everything spun quickly. They did the operation. The support of specialists and the surgeon played very important. He was a good psychologist, calmly said that everything would be in order. A clear feeling came that life is finite, that nothing can be postponed anywhere. There was also something like a feeling of resentment-after all, so many things were planned. The diagnosis makes you look at life differently.

Acceptance does not occur immediately, the first sensation: you are a freak. Then you start to watch with curiosity. They discharged from the hospital two weeks after the operation, did not leave a sense of inferiority, despite the fact that the surgeon inspired me: no need to be afraid of his body.

Tatyana photo: Sergey Strolev

Full acceptance did not occur. I felt especially strange during the period of chemistry - I was bald, and even without one chest. In our society, people often love to look: I perfectly remember such views on myself in the pool. However, some time later I went to rest, and the man invited me on a date. I decided to tell a stranger about his peculiarity - he did not leave, did not turn away, reacted calmly. And I clicked inside me: if everyone doesn’t care, then why should I care so much?

I decided to do the reconstruction five years after the operation. Purely physically inconvenient - after all, there is a skew on one side, especially if the chest is large. The back begins to hurt, and somehow I want to walk in a T-shirt at home, without a prosthesis.

Tatyana photo: Sergey Strolev

The disease greatly changed me as a person: I began to pay attention to myself, to my amenities. Previously, I went in heels all the time, now I did not give a damn about it. The chest, of course, is associated with femininity, but it is necessary to live on. Female power remains and transforms, takes on other forms.

Kate

The diagnosis was made to me recently, at the end of March this year.

I moved to Moscow from Pavlodar (Kazakhstan. - Approx. TD ). I felt burning and discomfort in the chest area and immediately went to the doctor. A year and a half ago, at home, I got a bump. Then they made a biopsy - it turned out that this is a benign tumor.

Katya photo: Sergey Strolev

This time the diagnosis was already different. There was a bunch of plans, I did not believe until the last, I did not want to believe. Before the operation, she began to read a lot, study, hoped that everything would be fine. There was no particular fear - I myself am a very calm person.

To be honest, I myself do not understand whether I accepted my new body or not-at times there is acceptance, and then depression: you try to somehow forget in the cycle of affairs, but there are breakdowns. My mother was in shock - here she is just in protracted depression, still does not believe that this is true. Support is important: friends support - even those from whom I did not expect anything, and it is very pleasant. My child is still small and does not particularly understand what's what.

Katya photo: Sergey Strolev

After the operation, chemistry began - it hit a lot in appearance, especially on the skin. Numbness of the fingers and legs also began, it is impossible to sleep at night: throws into sweat. I also knew about the hair that it would fall out, I was ready and, as soon as they began to climb a lot, shaved. Shot - and it became easier, without stress. I bought a wig.

Katya photo: Sergey Strolev

I think that a disease is needed for something. I can’t say that I lived badly, but still you begin to think: why you are. I began to notice life around, rejoice and think more about myself, began to appreciate myself more, learn to accept myself. Previously, I complexed all the time on trifles, but now you remember and understand: everything was perfect.

I really want to make a reconstruction. Still, there is a feeling that some of yours is not enough, it is felt inside. I want a feeling of integrity.

The heroines were found using the Future_breast project

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The material uses links to publications of social networks Instagram and Facebook, as well as their names are mentioned. These web resources belong to Meta Platforms Inc. - It is recognized in Russia as an extremist organization and is prohibited.

women medical care oncology psychology