Translated material
I kneaded clay so that you read this text
The dubious generational theory of American sociologists says: in the late 1990s, Zumers appeared in the world, and they are fixated on gadgets and themselves, multitasking, have clip thinking, do not recognize authorities, apolitical and infantile. Such is the account manager of Mamikhlapinatans Denis Sinaleev: at twenty-two he changed three faculties and a dozen work, constantly complains that he cannot concentrate on anything, and criticizes everything he sees non-stop. On the instructions of the editorial office and with the support of the University of Internet Professions “ Netologi ”, Denis tried for a whole week educational formats of different eras to find optimal for himself. Here is his story about how he cursed journalism and fell in love with horses even more.
For forty minutes, I quickly climb the stairs to the 15th floor and go back. It seems I will die now. I clearly was not ready for this: the last time I went in for sports three years ago, and it lasted no more than a month. After the stairs - interval training. I can’t stand the pace and the last three minutes I am stupidly lying on the floor of my room and dream of throwing everything to the damn mother. But this is only the first day. We should squeeze a couple more times. Lord, what I do at all.
How I spent the summer in the hospice for homeless Guatemens and knew myself. The Columnist of the Fashion City Edition is looking for all his former sex partners and asks how they were with her. How I talked for a week with gifs and did not use food. How I got a set in a taxi and realized that I was an asshole . I hate experiments as a genre of journalism. It is worth going to any Russian-speaking Lifestail Portal, which focuses on Vice in its best years, tons of dull texts from prosperous Muscovites will immediately fall on you, who do not have problems more serious than a lack of gifs. They make some garbage and write about her as if they had just experienced the most incredible experience in their lives. What delight I swept when the first text, which I was entrusted with writing at work, turned out to be not just a classic experiment, but also a native advertising of the educational platform. Fucking, just fucking.
My name is Denis, I am 22 years old, and for a week I have to become a researcher of an artificially designed problem that does not bother anyone. Every day I will try on myself the formats of training from different historical eras and countries, from the gymnastics of ancient Sparta to the Beach of the 2010s-webinars. My goal: to try to find the perfect form of education, which will allow you to combine study with work, physical with spiritual, theoretical with practical, and also learn how to prioritize in business. I would like to understand: was the educational process pleasant and easy at least ever or shitty was everyone and always? As they say: what? Yes! Excuse me, the defendants in Moscow, they will write about you in the Mediazone , and I will take care of really important things.
What pensioners will we become pensioners Evgeny Golovin , Alena Belyakova, the author of Samizdat tried to figure out what diseases, difficulties and prospects are waiting for current thirty -year -old Russians in retirement and whether it will be at all
For the past six months, I have been combining the work of the account manager in the publishing house "Mamikhlapinatan" with a study in the third year of the Higher School of Economics (specialty-media communication). Surrounded by pleasant people, I transfer documents from one folder to another, hoping to gain at least some experience. Ideally, I would like to engage in advertising, content marketing and other simulacracs of the modern world, in which brands and corporations pay a lot of money for mentioning their name in the content of this text. I am still not sure what he made the right choice in life. Damn it, but I don’t know how to choose. For example, before entering HSE, I lost two years, trying to become an economist first, and then a linguist. In the meantime, the account manager did not get a job, worked as a waiter, a bartender, a seller at Adidas and an editor on a television program for Russian housewives.
Actually, I am not the only student in Mamikhlapinatan. But the most ony, when sessions and retakes are superimposed on the editorials of the editorial office. Apparently, for this reason, I was chosen by the author of the text about education. They also told me that I think like a zuromer and it would be fun to force Zumer to comprehend the wisdom of the ancients. The idea of the experiment belongs to Yegor Sennikov-film critics, the author of Samizdat and simply to the sweetest person who scares everyone who decides to talk to him with a depth of his historical and political education. According to his enchanting idea, Zumer like I will develop qualities that were appreciated in young people at different times: Spartan discipline, medieval versatility, Victorian respect for the master, the depth and grace of the Russian nobleman and, finally, the multi -storage of modern cosmopolitan.
The experiment begins today. I try to squeeze out at least once, but I’m flinging on my stomach.
How I went in a taxi and realized that I am an asshole Vadim Frolov , Yegor Mostovshchikov , Asya Lisina, a young man performs a ruthless experiment and gets a job in a taxi, where he immediately plunges into nausea, hatred and contempt for himselfThe first day. Spartan
I think I'm a disgusting student. I devote much less time to my studies in HSE. Probably, according to Spartan laws, it would be fair to drop me from the cliff. Sennikov says that the main goal of the Spartans was to make a warrior man, so Greek boys were constantly forced to train: they either ran, then fought, then practiced a sword. And they studied singing, poetry and laconic speech, but I still did not understand how it came in handy in the battles. I don’t understand why Sennikov decided to put me like this with the tasks: as part of the Spartan day, I need to play sports and write poetry. I hate poetry, and I treat sports condescendingly: this is a very dull activity, albeit useful. Well, in general: what, fuck, warrior? Who should I fight in Sobyaninskaya Moscow? With the authors of the renovation program and ending from the Lion Against movement? Pour me a beer and give a pepper can - this will be more effective than push -ups. Although, if all this helps me to become a silver bullet capable of destroying fucking Greeks, Persians, public activists and urbanists of all stripes, and also find a balance between study and work, so be it.
In the morning, colleagues will send me my favorite poems so that I penetrate and write something my own in the evening. All my life I have avoided poetry. At school, I did not understand how rhymes are being built, in what rhythm they should be read and why everyone is so delighted with these dubious texts in a column. Today I was asked what I think about the epigram on Stalin " we live, under us not sensing the country ." I feel awkward. On the one hand, now we cannot even imagine how much the dumb era was the 1930s, and if you take into account everything that was happening with people, this is a very bold statement. On the other hand, if a poem was written by some modern author, I would have thought that this is another Demshiz Russian rapper.
In the evening I go to training in the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. A gray -haired Caucasian man explains each reception several times, but by the time we begin to work out blows on each other, I manage to forget all his words a hundred times. Due to shitty coordination, I constantly get confused in my hands and do not understand how and where to apply weight in order to overturn the enemy. An hour later, it darkens in the then flooded eyes: three years of persistent lying on the couch make themselves felt. I am offended for my body, but I like the struggle: every time I miss a blow in my face, I feel like the most living person in the world.
Incredibly useless fact No. 22 In Sparta, to convince the youth to behave dignity, the teachers forced the slaves to get drunk and create indecency in public
After any good training, a charge of vigor and fun for an hour and a half is formed. I plan to use this time to write a poem. Despite the fact that today I learned about the poetry a lot, I still did not understand how it works. After a couple of hours of barren creative torment, I presented that I composed a rapper under a straight barrel, and it went more vigorously:
I kiss the uncle of Stepa, not to compare it with the scroll
He is on the first, I'm on a sad
In the ass, feathers, in the eyes are empty
Don't think so simple
Summarify my pockets - there is no beak
You are wrong, the senior Uber officer
You are a gandon, and I'm Incel
In general, I do not believe that the first time in my life something can turn out well. But colleagues said that the verse came out no worse than many modern rappers. Given that colleagues came up with the format of this all -in week to sell advertising, I would not trust their taste.
The main achievement of the Spartan Day is the first training in three years. If we are worth it to take something into service, it is forced sports: all this young lazy creative class just needs to be slowed down, otherwise we will die at the exit from Zinziever.
The second day. Medieval student
Who would have thought that if you suddenly go in for sports after a break in three years, the next morning it would be so cherry? My legs fall off, I do not feel my neck, it hurts to move my left hand. Thank God, today only lectures come to me and you can not get out of bed at all. Honestly, I did not fully understand what was the frenzy of medieval education. At European universities of the XII century, philosophy, law, medicine, theology were trained and tried not to die from the plague. Replace the plague with coronavirus - and now everything is indistinguishable from the present.
I read that the medieval training program was at the basis of seven “free arts”: grammar, rhetoric, dialectics, arithmetic, geometry, astronomy and music. During an online astronomy lecture, I thought that I did not regret that I filled up the exam in the physicist and did not become a techie. This lecture is the most dull thing that happened in my life. The speaker began the performance with some strip story about the word formation in the spirit of the late Mikhail Zadornov . Like, in fact, the ancient land stood not on three whales, but on three books, just someone crookedly translated something from Arabic. I was already waiting for the phrases that NASA “Well Tu-Po-Yu”, but instead there was another hour of tambourine about Parseki. In the end, I fell asleep.
Incredibly useless fact No. 23 In the XIV century, only 5% of the population of Europe knew how to read and write
An absolutely mediocre day, it would be better to shift the pieces of paper at work. Although, it seems, philosophy and mathematics are the truth of important objects: they structure thoughts and train perseverance, because they simply do not leave a chance to those who are constantly distracted. I, like all my peers, have big problems with this: it is impossible to write an essay on the history of philosophy when the new season of the Sex Education series has been released, or read the next text of the Media Marshall Marshawan theoretician (sometimes it seems to me that all education on Media Communications is built around Maklyaen's texts) when the hands are itching in the game PUBG . From now on, I will try to devote more attention to the history of philosophy history in the university.
The third day. Journeyman
Today I have to spend the day as an English boy born in the Victorian era. In those days, the children went to the apprentices to the millers, thrush, builders or merchants and had to serve them under the contract and obey in everything until they mastered the craft. I doubt that now it would be possible to reproduce such a system: a modern specialist needs too much knowledge and skills so that they can be obtained from one mentor. I thought that they would be given me to the repairman team at the construction site near Moscow, where the foreman would yell at me with obscenities and teach me to pour concrete, and then I would throw it on my salary, but I was just recorded on a circle by modeling.
I go out of work towards the place where I will be taught to knead the clay. Of course, it is in a deep ass. From the inside, the pottery workshop on the territory of the former plant looks like a mixture of bruised coworking, feminist ward and a teenage girl: a light room with a bunch of instruments, a neon sign and a chalking board, on which work notes alternate with infantile drawings of flowers and hearts. I was met by a sweet woman with the dreadlocks, gave out a apron and began to teach me to sculpt clay blanks, which then had to be molded on a pottery circle.
Incredibly useless fact No. 24 In Victorian England, children studied 12-18 hours. For misconduct at the school they were punished physically: they beat with a heavy ruler on the fingers or put clamps on the ears
We will be honest: I imagined something like a scene from the movie Ghost, where Patrick Suezi helps the heroine sculpt a strange phallic pot, and then they kiss. In fact, I just blinded the cup and plate. Despite the absence of Patrick Suezi, it was very pleasant to sculpt. The main bonus: endless public approval for the fact that now you can at least do something with your hands. I don’t know how this will help me in work, study and life, but it seems that I first had a good time during these days.
The fourth day. Nobleman
From the school lessons of literature, we remember the image of the landlord son, with a bored look of a listening teacher of geography (why are you not thrown by a modern schoolboy at the tutor?) The peasants are seized in the yard, and you pick your nose in front of the Frenchman, whom your dad was discharged from the capital so that before other nobles are not ashamed of his Baystyuk. My noble education according to the editorial board - two lectures with tutors and a riding lesson. Amazing: I suffered from some kind of game for three in a row, and now we are also tormenting animals.
Of course, no Frenchman was written to me, so I had to listen to my colleagues in Mamikhlapinatan, who received different fundamental formations. At first everything went well. Sennikov spent me with an okhorent lesson in history and spoke about nationalism, which ultimately destroyed the Ottoman Empire, Austria-Hungary and some other states that I did not remember. After that, the chief editor of Samizdat Semyon Sheshenin (by education was an oriental linguist) came and began to explain something about experimental acoustic phonetics, raising and drawing complex graphs. I tried to keep up with his thought, but went astray on my own. How will I sit on a horse today? I think that meat -eaters are killers, and skating on a living creature is a dumb atavism for the 21st century. Why, in the days of Uporov, car sharing and prohibitions of contact zoos, there are hippodrome? I wonder if the horses have a lower back? Maybe offer Sennikov to wind the saddle on his back and beat the horseshoes to the heels?
How I became the wine and vodka proletariat Katerina Kochin , Konstantin Valyakin , Anna Makarova bottle, bottle, bottle. The same story about hundreds of hours of stupid and meaningless manual labor, which turns a person into a car
Semyon drove at a speed of 500 words per minute and constantly changed his voice height to demonstrate some phonetic jokes. The only thing I wanted was to finally turn on the subtitles. And I also realized that classes are one on one - this is embarrassed: you can’t be distracted, humble, fall through the ground. I wonder how the nobles dealt with this? Could they change teachers that they did not like? Is it possible to give Sheshenin a groom and tear? Is there a groom in Mamikhlapinatan? Fak, horse!
Expectations from the equestrian base: landscapes in the spirit of generic estates of some princes and cheerful thoroughbred stallions with thick mane. Reality: the guard tells his friend how his relative moved to Moscow from the province, "settled down by a cop by a hundred, how the cheese rides in oil - and no, damn it, everything is not enough for him." When the coach brought me to the horse, I felt really bad. For two minutes I silently stroked a brown stallion with sad eyes and a banal pathos name, which I never remembered. When it became completely embarrassed to be silent, I mumbled something about my moral and ethical position and retreated.
It was stupid to realize that I piled up on the hippodrome in order to explain to the horse sport, how terrible to ride a horse was stupidly. And also money to exploiters - 2500 rubles - I still paid ahead, which means that I was clarified by all vegan concepts. Oh.
My first vegan Tiktok pic.twitter.com/ijajzz1lmk
- Twister of the Vedzhi (@super_berza) December 11, 2019
The fifth day. Self -education
On the fifth day, God created birds, reptiles and fish, and the editors remembered that this article is a partnership material with the Netology platform. According to the plan, I must again become a modern student and return to my usual rhythm “study-work-study”, and also go through some online course and write something good about him. After all that I experienced in a week, everyday university tasks seem simple and fresh to me - I take it almost with enthusiasm for them. Surprisingly: no matter how I hate this experiment, it seems to work.
When it is done with homework, I find a detailed educational marketing on Netologies. The first webinar is dedicated to how to determine the target audience of the project. The lecturer is very slowly saying quite obvious things, but the video can be accelerated twice-Glory to online education! At a speed of 1.75 I am in taste: so what, that nothing new, but I systematize knowledge. Ближе к концу лекции я увидел, что на платформе можно вести конспект прямо под вебинаром, прикрепляя заметки к таймкодам видео, и пришёл в неописуемый восторг. Да, звучит суперджинсово, но в последний раз я так кайфовал от функционала разве что на «Нетфликсе»: там можно было видеть имена актёров прямо в плеере, наведя курсор на персонажа.
В ВШЭ мы обязаны пройти минимум один онлайн-курс за год. Институт предоставляет темы на выбор, и обычно это лекции по софт-скилз типа «Учитесь учиться», «10 навыков повышения продуктивности» и «Как создать персональный бренд». От них за версту пахнет бизнес-тренингами и уроками игры на «Форексе», поэтому я привык скептически относиться к онлайн-образованию как явлению. Курс по контент-маркетингу скепсис умерил: список лекций выглядит так, что, если бы у меня была пара свободных недель, я бы, скорее всего, и правда освоил азы профессии.
В целом день с вебинарами и домашкой не вызвал у меня восторгов, но и в тоску не вогнал. После сверхнасыщенной недели было приятно работать, слушая лекцию в фоновой вкладке браузера. Ближе к вечеру пришёл на работу и сел писать этот текст, но спустя час вспомнил, что сегодня пятница, и, раз уж мне велели вести себя как типичный студент, отправился в бар с друзьями, забив на дедлайн.
В конце эксперимента я понял, что так ничего и не понял. Вот я всю неделю учился учиться, вёл дневник, потом два раза переписывал этот текст, но, когда дело дошло до концовки, не знаю, что сказать. Расставлять приоритеты в делах я так и не научился, зато записался в спортзал — надеюсь, не сбегу оттуда после окончания эксперимента. Съездил на ипподром, опять же. Пожалуйста, по возможности никогда не занимайтесь конным спортом: лошадиные спины созданы не для ваших жирных жоп! Единственное, что я смог для себя уяснить: все сложности, связанные с учёбой, — один из подвидов нормы. Всем было хреново всегда. Родился в Спарте — шуруй тренироваться или лети со скалы. Родился дворянином — отбивай жопу на ипподроме. Сейчас, по крайней мере, страдать можно, не выходя из дома. Да и одно дело всю жизнь учиться держаться в седле, чтобы потом сдохнуть от картечи в бою, и совсем другое — потратить полгода на онлайн-лекции, чтобы получить представление о профессии, которой можно будет похвастаться перед друзьями.
Что касается нативных форматов, партнёрских материалов и прочих карточек: дай бог мне больше никогда их не писать. Все тексты-эксперименты — дерьмо. Не читайте их, пожалуйста.
Спасибо, что дочитали! Если вы тоже ненавидите зиму и не хотите вылезать из кровати, но мечтаете стать успешным, обратите внимание на университет интернет-профессий «Нетология». Вместе с промокодом BATENKA вы получите скидку 15 % на все онлайн-курсы и сможете обучиться управлению проектами, дизайну, проектированию интерфейсов и веб-разработке.
