"You're lying!"

Those who decide to talk about sexual violence experienced in childhood are often accused of lies. Why does it happen?

One of the myths about sexual violence says that pedophiles are terrible maniacs from the street that are approaching unfamiliar girls and led to look at non -existent kittens or eat ice cream. In fact, most often the child is faced with a rapist not in the yard, but in the family or in another “safe” place. This occurs in 9 cases out of 10.

Three girls told “such matters” about violence experienced in childhood and how relatives reacted to their recognition, and the psychologist from the project “ They will believe ” you explained why it is so difficult for adults to accept the terrible truth.

Alina, 19 years old: "Mom made her choice"

When I was five, my stepfather came to our family. A year later, my mother became pregnant. My stepfather was sitting with me at home while my mother was lying in the hospital, and my grandmother was at work. Once he led me into the room and forced him to make a blowjob. Then I did not understand what was happening and why it was all. I just hoped that everything would end when my mother would be discharged. But nothing ended. This lasted until twelve years, at twelve there was the first penetration.

In the same year, one kid told us in the classroom that he knows the meaning of the word “pedophile”: “This is the one who has sex with everyone.” I thought then: "So my stepfather is a pedophile." This was all my sexual education at that time.

At thirteen, I lost my own father. Then everything in my head turned upside down. I thought, what if those people who die can see me? Prior to this, one woman with whom I spoke well, my aunt my friend, also died. Suddenly she watches me? It would be very ashamed. When violence happened, I always thought about it. And when the father died ... "Everything, - I think, is a complete P ... EC, it is impossible to see him." Then I decided to tell my mother.

Mom and his stepfather quarreled, but two days later he returned and everything continued. While he was not there, he wrote to me in VotsAp, he asked why I was deceiving everyone, and said that my family was breaking up because of me. I felt crazy then thought: "Maybe there was nothing?"

About what he did to me, I told my mother four times four times, probably. As a result, I was putting a jokold on the door so that he could not enter at night. Great way out of the situation.

In one of the quarrels, my mother told us with a stepfather: “You want to reduce me to the grave. You have come up with all this, so you live together. ” I did not understand how to talk to her about it. She threatened me with suicide. Now it is “covered” from my orientation. I am a lesbian. I remember she screamed at his stepfather that he ruined her daughter, that because of him I was afraid of men. And in my fourteen she said: "You are lying, this cannot be." I cried. Why did I need to lie?

It is difficult to believe when no one believes. I could think about whether it was a dream, although violence happened on the same day in the afternoon. In the process, I tried to think about something else or waited until everything was over. Regular violence has ceased about fifteen years, probably. But up to seventeen years, he made some more attempts. How did the stepfather explain his actions? He said that this is such love. That's all.

I don’t know what mom actually thinks. At first I seemed to believe, then I didn’t believe it, now I don’t understand what is happening to her. Pretends that there was nothing, that my stepfather and I simply cannot find a common language. They still live together, by the way.

He is not only a rapist, but still a x ... of the father and husband. He insulted me and mocked me, depreciated my mother’s work, and also cheated on her with her grandmother. I saw from the corridor how they had sex. Then mom and grandmother had a fight because of this. Grandmother always defended his stepfather, by the way. She said that he was trying to be better, or that maybe his childhood was bad. And what's the matter before?

The last time my mother and I discussed violence in the winter. I asked: "Do you understand at all that he raped me for so many years?" She says to me: “Well, you know, we have a common business, then I will have to deal with orders. I also don’t drive the car very well, but I need to drive throughout the region ... ”Seriously, or what? Is it more important than me? In short, she made her choice.

Illustration: Alexey Sukhov for TD

It is also hard for me to talk with friends. They are not that they don’t believe ... They don’t know how to support me. I shared her neighbor around the room, told her everything, but she seemed to forget later. I say, for example, to her, that I want to stop communicating with my mother, and she asks: "Why?" Or it often happens that people simply ignore. Afraid of touching. And from ignoring it is very scary, this is exactly what was in my family. I want people to find the strength to say: “I believe you. What do you need now? How can I help? " For me, even such simple phrases mean a lot.

Valeria, 25 years old: "Now this door has opened"

The first time it happened to school. I remember how I sat opposite my mother and cried. It was a shame that it seemed that she caught me for something terrible and incomprehensible. Very blurry memory. Twenty years later, I learned the details from herself. It turned out that I came to her and said that dad was doing something strange with me. Mom put me opposite him, my father said that I was lying. My tears poured. After this conversation, violence lasted another ten years.

My father was an asshole: he beat my mother, drank a lot, climbed into criminal stories. He cheated, and when his mother was presenting the facts, he said that she was lying. “You are lying” is a standard reaction for him, so when it touched me, he easily reproduced it. I don’t remember how my mother reacted. Until twenty -five years, I did not concern this topic anymore.

Everyone around considered his father a cool parent. He bribed me with toys and other things. Mom also thought that I just loved him very much: "You yourself wanted to go somewhere with him." At this time, he smoothly pulled me from my mother to him, constantly repeated: "Do not be like a mother." He laid a lot of anger in me in me, now I am trying to deal with this along with the psychologist.

Father was a skilled manipulator. At first he said that we would just lie down together, then he took a bath with me. Later he began to touch me, forced me to do a blowjob. I assured that this was normal. When I became a teenager, I began to plan penetration, but by some miracle I was able to repulse. After the refusal, he terribly freak, pressed against me. They and their mother began conflicts, in the end he stated that he was “no longer loved in this house”, and left us.

As I already said, until twenty -five years I did not know that my mother was in the know, I thought this secret would go into the grave with me. I don’t know how I decided, there was just some kind of confidence. Before that, she did not tell anyone, and even more so to her. I thought my mother would be the last to whom I will go.

When I came to her, my mother said that she found out all of my diaries. He and his father then moved, sorted out things, so my mother found a diary. Since then, they say, she was ready for such a conversation. But she did not talk to me at that moment herself! In general, my mother did not talk a lot about me about. I don't know why.

Mom asked: "Why didn't you say directly?" He does not understand that, that I was a child, that my father manipulated me, and with her we had no trusting relationship. Twenty years later, she still reflects on how I could do. He probably wants to reset the responsibility so. He says that she believed me in childhood, but could not find evidence. Now I am angry to her reaction. Why didn't she raise this topic anymore?

There were other strange episodes. On a business trip, my father had sex with his mistress when I pretended to be sleeping on the same bed. It turns out that his mistress told his mother about this then.

I have not talked with my father for five years. When he and his mother were divorced, he swept me and said that I followed in her footsteps. After that, we stopped contacting, but a year ago I had a wedding, and under the pressure of my relatives I decided to restore relations with my father and call him for the holiday. My young man and I invited him, but then I changed my mind. I realized that this is some kind of hypocrisy. I wrote a message to my father asking not to come. She said that all loved ones know what he was doing with me. He replied: "And what do you want from me now?" The conversation ended on this.

I told my friends and husband about violence. They supported me very much. In just three days, I told everyone I wanted. I was not worried about what would happen later, I just wanted to speak out. It became easier.

I turned off the memories of violence for nine years, but this always influenced my life. For relations with people, sex and so on. Now I miss my reactions through the injury and listen, something is responding in me or not. This topic is open, the door opened, and now I can enter it, if necessary.

Illustration: Alexey Sukhov for TD

Sasha (the name was changed at the request of the heroine), 28 years old: "He was nicknamed Kuroshchp"

I was twelve or thirteen, it happened in the village of my grandmother. At that moment, the house was all. My grandfather and I sat on the porch, the rest were inside. At some point, he began to touch me by the chest. At first I was numb, and then hit him a lot. In the groin or in the face, I do not remember for sure. I ran to the kitchen, told my mother about it, and they all heard it. The reaction was this: “Why are you hitting your grandfather? It’s impossible that you allow yourself! ” Well, all in this spirit. No one said what happened, why, exactly what he did. Everyone concentrated on my reaction. Someone said: "The grandfather of many touches so much, he was nicknamed the Kurochup." According to the memoirs, my mother was not on my side. Then she said that she supported me and said that I did everything right.

I used to be ashamed that my story is not as terrible as others. There was no rape with penetration and direct contact with the genitals. Then I realized: there is no gradation, the consequences are the same everywhere. I repeated my mother dozens of times that sexual violence is not only penetration, but any sexual actions. She could not accept this for a very long time, divided it into a “significant crime” and “well, think”.

You do not remember violence for a very long time. I began to talk about it after fifteen years. Usually sexual violence is simply replaced by the child’s memory so that he can cope with this load. You expect protection from loved ones, they give a basic sense of safety. After such an event, it is destroyed, and the psyche isolates the memory so that Kukukha does not go at all. I began to remember about my grandfather after my friend was raped. I realized that I have a similar experience, and began to delve into my memory. It turned out that it was more than once.

Even before that story, I harassed the karate coach. He was drunk that he did not justify him at all, of course. For some reason, it was customary to drink beer in the section after training. There were older guys about eighteen years old and older. I went to the locker room, the coach followed. Besides us, there was nobody there. He began to pester me, you know ... as if I'm an adult woman. How do men usually do there? They are suitable, take by the waist, they say something in the ear, stroke. So he began to behave. I froze. After her grandfather, she could not repulse anyone. Tsepena. I did nothing, I waited for the end. He lagged behind when one of the guys went into the locker room.

I did not tell anyone about the coach. He still teaches children. Should I tell? Don't know. On the one hand, you justify a person, on the other hand, such a rage sits inside, you think that everyone should know.

After sixteen there were still such cases, and adults always harassed with whom trusting relations were built. Lecturer of music, teacher of a photochery ... I have connected these stories only recently. Previously, I just tried not to remember, and everything was immediately erased from my memory. And with these men we continued to communicate as if nothing had happened.

Later I remembered the case from early childhood. Without details, only a person and a sense of violence. It seems like he put my hand on his pants. I was nine. Mom, her roommate and I lived in a one -room apartment. He did not work then, just lay at home and watched TV. Mom went to work, I was left alone with him. I have no specific memories, only this feeling that says that something terrible that has been related to sex. I also did not tell anyone about this.

With my mother, I raised the topic of violence several times, I wanted to get something out of it. She was at a loss. She talked about the fact that she could not protect me. I don’t know what I would like to hear from my mother. No reaction brings relief. At first I want to be pity, then this pity begins to enrage. I no longer need anyone's sympathy. I only want other children to be believed, and their rapists were put.

I discuss sexual violence with my girlfriend and in the feminist circle. Maybe I would like to speak publicly, but I'm afraid of accusations. "Why did you stay alone with men?" And that’s all. I deeply respect women who openly write about this on the Internet. I just have no resource to cope with the flow of dirt and hatred, which usually pours back.

"What will people say?"

“Such things” turned to Angela Piaget, a psychologist from the project “They will believe you”, helping people who have experienced sexual violence in childhood. She told why parents are not ready to believe their children and whether the victims are often faced with accusations.

Illustration: Alexey Sukhov for TD

“Learning about violence, as a rule, is also a member of the family. It can be a mother or grandmother. A person is faced with the fact that trouble is not somewhere far away, but here, in their house. If the information “comes to the surface”, the entire family structure will be greatly changed, ”explains Angela. For many, it is important, "and what people will say." Someone generally experiences a huge shock and misunderstanding of what is happening. In any case, the discovered fact of violence within the family requires decisive actions from the recognized adults associated with a strong change in the life of the family. Such a prospect gives rise to resistance, not everyone is ready to accept information that will forever change their life. Not everyone has the strength and understanding of how to act. Financial or any other dependence on the author of violence exacerbates the situation.

In reality, most often the child does not talk about violence, and not only because he does not understand what is happening: “Children can feel that they will not help them and nothing good will come out of their recognition. There are no trusting warm relationships. Or, conversely, out of fear for your beloved adult. The rapist, as a rule, skillfully manipulates the condition of the child, ensuring his silence. ”

The second chance to find out the truth may not be: "If he shared anxiety, and he was told that it was a dream or he confused, the child is silent forever." According to Angela, even incomprehensible words should be reacted as calmly as possible, not to crush or show neglect: “So he will understand that no one condemns him, he is safe, he will not guilty, they will help him.”

The child will not speak like an adult: such and such a person touched me like this, specifically in this place. He may simply not have words to describe what is happening. If an adult is incomprehensible to the meaning, it is worth paying attention to the behavior of the child. Maybe he has become more restless or does not want to stay with someone from the family alone? Sleeps badly, have nightmares appeared? Draws pictures uncharacteristic for himself? W wors on school ratings and behavior as a whole? Some other incomprehensible manifestations? At this moment, it is important to ensure security and turn to a psychologist who understands the topic of sexual violence against children.

Angela explained how to behave to parents if their child decided to tell about violence: “Listen to him and ask for permission to ask questions. Do not rush, make it clear that he can stop at any time, take a break or transfer the conversation to another time. Perceive everything as seriously as possible. Often we adults instinctively want to protect ourselves from shocking information. This is normal, this is how our psyche works. Nevertheless, it is extremely important that your first reaction to the message of violence is complete trust. You will have time to figure out what really happened. In an incomprehensible situation, you can contact our project for advice. Now it is important to maintain contact with the child, not to break a thin thread of trust.

Nobody will believe

Tell the child: “I believe you. I am very sorry that this happened, you are not to blame for this. I will try to make you safe.” Contact the free hotline of the Investigative Committee “Child in Danger” (8-800-200-19-10) at any time of the day. The second possible option is to go to the police station. From the author of the child’s violence, you need to isolate, including if it is another child from the same family. ”

The rapist does not choose the victim familiar with the basics of sexual education, the safety rules that can confidently say: “no” and knows who to turn to for help. Sometimes the rapist acts inside the family, because it is convenient, here the child is available and dependent. The choice falls on the one who is most vulnerable to, will be chopped away from other adults. A child can trust the author of violence, consider him an important adult for himself, which means not to wait for a trick.

The older a person who has survived violence becomes, the more responsibility for the situation is shifted to him: “Sometimes even young children attribute the initiative and desire for sexual interaction, to say about adolescents. Children themselves feel guilty and involvement, and this additionally connects their hands. Often such thoughts, verbally and non -verbal, broadcasts them by the author of violence. Naturally, this is not so. Ребенок не может быть соучастником с равной долей ответственности. Это не флирт, не игры. Это насилие».