Dina Korzun - about how to find and preserve love

On July 30, at 15.00, actress, co -founder of the Life Foundation, will share with the audience the TEDXKRASNAYAPYAPYANA with their own rules of happy family life.

“The organizers of this event, Moscow volunteers,” Dean tells me by phone from Switzerland. -Usually, such events are held on stage, the speakers come out and tell some of their interesting stories that have an important meaning for everyone. But now it will not work out, because of the pandemic, the borders are still closed, many speakers, and 10 people are stuck, who was stuck where. I am in Europe, and it is not clear when it will be possible to come to Russia.

- How can you connect to the conference and will it be possible to ask questions online?

- It will be necessary to register on the site. Questions can be asked. I listened to these conferences, in particular, the performance of my friend Christina Roppelt. From childhood, she and her mother lived near the plant in Yekaterinburg, and there, the ecology, of course, suffered greatly. Later she studied at MGIMO and traveled a lot for training, then at work, and she was very impressed by how people share garbage in Europe.

The understanding of this need is only now coming to us. And then it did not matter to her that even her relatives laughed at her attempts to fight for the ecology, she continued to inspire with her actions everyone she could. She offered me to tell her story about the family, because she read my post on Facebook. I wrote that soon in Switzerland, quarantine is being removed, and I can say that I am infinitely grateful to him, he gave us a lot of happiness.

- Did quarantine give a lot of happiness?

- Yes, we were locked in a small apartment in Switzerland for a long time. We moved here from London two years ago to be closer to my husband's family. We went through our lessons of patience and wisdom much earlier, and therefore now for us to be together for a long time - this is not suffering, but happiness.

We read together, cooked, ate, talked, and the children told me: “Mommy, how we love quarantine!”

It was this post on Facebook that Christina read and said: “It seems to me that you have something to share, and let's tell you your story.”

About yourself

“I also remember one of your Facebook posts about how your husband talks with her daughters for a long time, listens to them.” It was both happiness and bitterness, because you wrote that in childhood you were deprived of communication with the father.

- Yes, because I immediately agreed to speak that I was very worried about the theme of the family, I would like to say my word in her protection.

Now the number of divorces, from young people entering into marriage, is catastrophically, 50–60 and even more than the percent of those who will divorce in a year or a maximum of three years. And during this time, children manage to appear, and then they remain outside the stable system, and this is always suffering.

I myself am a child from an incomplete family, I was only a year when my mother had to leave my father. We lived in Smolensk, in the hostel of the hosiery factory, and around us there were only diluted single women with children. And if there was someone's dad there, he drank very much and beat his wife.

I always dreamed that I will have a happy family. It turned out that it is not so simple that this is a difficult path and a lot of work. I got married three times, and only for the third time the family turned out to be happy. We had two girls, Itala and Sophia, they are now 10 and 11 years old. And my eldest son Timur will soon be 30!

That is, I have a completely different experience: what is it to have a son in an incomplete marriage and two more children in marriage, when children have both dad and mother.

About the family - the beginning

My husband, Louis Frank, we have known each other for 25 years, officially been married for 20 years. We are people of completely different worlds, both are on our minds. I consider myself a strong personality, in my story there have always been divorced women, who themselves pulled their children on themselves. Mom, grandmother, great-grandmother and all my aunts turned out to be divorced single mothers. Therefore, it is extremely difficult for me, and it seems that it was already written in the genetic code: do not listen to her husband, do not respect her husband, to protect his rights all the time, even where this is not necessary.

Louis is Western man, and I come from not even from Russia, but from the Soviet Union - the country of geopolitical enemy.

I have psychology of a person who lived ascetic in his family. He is from a wealthy family, this is a completely different consciousness, another understanding of what is good, what is bad, what is needed and what is not needed. Completely different people, and here fate brings us together. Over these 25 years, the first 10 of them we suffered, quarreled, and found out the relationship.

- Have you met in Russia? In what language did you communicate?

-Yes, in Moscow, when we met, I did not speak English, he did not speak Russian. Something invisible attracted us. But when we learned to understand each other, in each of us the ego spoke, and it was very difficult, simply unbearable. Even at some point, we ran away for three months. And they thought that there were no families - I have my career, I flew endlessly to act in America and around the world, I worked a lot. Louis also toured endlessly - he is a musician, producer, composer. This was the first decade of the 2000s, he had his own rock band, they performed a lot. That is, there was no family.

Three months after Louis and I parted, a general decision came to try to live together again. We had children, and Louis convinced me that it would be better for everyone to live in London. I agreed, and a new stage of testing has begun now with young children. Both again had the thought of scattering, and at some very difficult moment I said to myself: no! I want to try to save my family, I want to learn a harmonious life.

I realized that we do not know how to listen to each other, hear, and this is the very first condition in the family - to hear each other.

It’s not so that “yes-yes-yes” while he says-we are already preparing a response, without listening to the end, not trying to feel that the other person means. And better, maybe even keep silent in response and reflect on what they said. Otherwise, a person has no chance to be understood.

I did not know how, probably because they didn’t know how to listen to me in childhood ...

Seven stages for happiness

-In the family, as in the entire universe, there are laws-attraction, causal relationship. And there are laws of happy family life. We just do not know them, do not study, but they are.

People say a year after the marriage: "Love has passed - everything, we have to disperse!" Love has passed? Yes, it was not love yet - it is only attraction, love.

- That is, like this, there are no weddings in people who really love each other?

-Really-not yet, there is no true love.

Wedding, this is when we are attracted by the appearance, when we are temporarily interesting, and everything is in a magical candy-bouquet state.

And when life begins, difficulties, here - everything, love has passed. There is no strength and motivation, and it turns out that the children have already appeared, and people get divorced. Without thinking that children will be extremely difficult, and the strongest blow will be on them.

And now my performance on TEDX will be addressed to reasonable people who have children and who theoretically would like to be together, but everything is not interesting, there are mutual irritation, difficulties. And true love always passes 7 stages for a happy life. In order to climb to the top called “true love”, they must be passed.

You need to know that it is necessary, no matter how great your attraction and love are, you will certainly come to the stage of saturation. That's how if there are constantly delicious sweets for a long time - there will certainly be saturation, disgust. Therefore, you need to be able to give another person space, to protect the magical period while we are under his influence, while we see a person in the best light.

After saturation, the stage of patience occurs. It is imperative that there is some very serious and high motivation. But you can’t endure for sake, when there is nowhere to go and just conveniently, because the other person pays for everything - this patience will not raise consciousness above and will only accumulate irritation from two sides.

The task of the stage of patience is to go to the stage of respect, here you certainly need to take some steps to learn how to hear, listen, give space. Do not control every step - so we go to the level of trust and respect, and this will lead us to the next step - to friendship.

And this is the greatest state, pure and disinterested. The condition when I am simply convenient for me, and therefore we are together - is not called friendship.

Friendship is when we allow another person to be the way he is. We allow him to develop at its speed, we believe in it, we know, we feel how it can be wonderful. This is called friendship, and it will certainly lead to the highest stage of relations - true love.

Mom, go and hug him!

- Should take decades so that true love comes?

-At the end of life, we can say that we loved each other for real. Louis and I learned to hear each other, respect.

We also have some provocations in our relationship all the time, and this is normal, because we are living people. The couple will always undergo some changes. Life is a school, and there will always be some new tests, exams for a new level.

More recently, we quarreled strongly, and it seemed to me that it was absolutely unfair what he said. Maybe it was right, but in this completely in the same tone it should have been said! And I answered him very angrily, and everyone went to bed in a difficult mood.

In the morning my youngest daughter came running to me, hugged, asked how I feel. I say: “Bad, I'm offended. How can he tell me. ” And she is to me: "Mom, go and hug him."

I say: “What? He is to blame! " She answered: "Mom, this is pride, take her away."

I just had goosebumps all over my body, I look at her and understand that she is right. I made a deep breath-signs and silent. Then I got dressed and thought, I'll go try to hug.

She came to the kitchen and saw that Louis bakes bread in the morning. He looks guilty - he understood everything. I walked by, turned on the kettle and I don’t understand how I will go to hug the first now. So, I forgave, so I agree with such an incident, with such behavior?

- Have you forgiven?

-No, but I myself saw that it was difficult for him, and somehow it happened that when we simply crossed literally for a second, I hugged him. And he was so delighted, said: “Forgive me, please, I don’t know what found me. Of course you were right. "

I recall that the speeches offending me were 25 years ago, when we were just starting to recognize each other. Little has changed since then, probably only changed the speed with which we forget these incidents and forgive each other.

- You will talk about this at the conference?

- I have a lot of personal inspirational stories show that the family is a tool for developing patience, wisdom and real filling with love. I will tell them and answer all the questions of our spectators. It seems very important to me. Especially in our world, where families collapse before our eyes.