"Dad, why are you in women's clothes?"

Transgender people - about their lives and amendments to Mizulina

In September, the State Duma will consider the bill of Senator Elena Mizulina “On Amending the Family Code of the Russian Federation in order to strengthen the Institute of Family”, because of which transgender people will not be able to marry and change their birth certificate. Especially for the “cold”, Anna Alekseeva spoke with people who made a transgender transition or planning it, about marriage, raising children, emigration and attitude to a new bill.

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"When I tied the bows on my head, my grandmother torn them out with a clock of hair"

The story of Julia

My first vivid memory from childhood is dark blue, for growth, sundress of the younger sister. I, six -year -old, hid him in a closet among my things. Then she began to carry things not only with his sister, but also with her mother. For this, they flocked me every time. For my father, I was a disappointment. I was not interested in "male" classes, and the most terrible gift for the holidays was boy clothing. Already at the age of 5-6, I helped my mother’s housework with might and main, I was calmly left to follow a two-year-old sister. Subsequently, my parents' friends even joked that I had to be born a girl. For my grandmother, I was a freak that can only be corrected: every day after school I was waiting for a belt or hose, so I tried not to appear at home before my mother arrived. When I once tied up the bows, my grandmother torn them out with a clock of hair. Then they cut me very briefly, so that it was disgraced. Mom did not understand me. And I mentally mocked my sister: for example, I ran from her in crowns in crowded places so that she thought she was lost, and was frightened, hid her favorite things. So I took an anger on her for how adults treated me. I regret it. Nobody defended me, but I did not know how to give back and lived with dreams and books. This went on the whole younger school.

Later, my parents tried to lead me to a psychologist. I still remember the picture that I drew to him: dark blue infinity, in it is a brown sacrificial bowl, from which blood pours a wide stream. But this man diligently drove into my head that I myself was to blame for everything that was happening to me and should be treated, so I left.

I was not much friends with anyone: I did not fit into the company of girls, and I was not interested in the boys. Puberty began before my peers. My perception of myself was closer to the female, so this period was very difficult. In order to survive I had to mimic under the boy, but this did not save me from persecution at school, from the prejudice of teachers and classmates who teased me “blue”.

The more masculine my appearance became, the more I wanted to be a girl. I continued to carry things and cosmetics with my mother and sister, although it was very dangerous. As they grow up with a sexual object and the object of adoration, girls and never - guys became for me. At some point, I even thought about going to the monastery. There was no adequate literature on the transgender theme in the mid-1990s, and those Soviet manuals that I read convinced me that people like me were subject to destruction and should not breed.

By 21, I considered myself a pervert, forbade myself any contacts with girls, grew a beard and threw all female things and cosmetics. This period lasted about 4 years. At 23, I had the first and insanely traumatic experience with a woman: I could not achieve a complete erection. The death of my father as a result of the accident that occurred before my eyes was superimposed on this. It happened after my unsuccessful first time. You yourself understand what emotional state I was in.

To somehow return to normal, I began to go to personal growth trainings. There I met my first wife, who was 10 years older than me. I well remember her words: “Choose a partner from the inexperienced ones - so you can teach him to bring pleasure only to you and only as you like.” She completely followed the said: she did not work, and after work I returned home and cooked, cleaned, washed ... I was very tired.

Once at the training, I was given the task of coming to a woman in a female image. This was a turning point when I realized that I was not a man, I do not want to be. I underwent an examination, but because of the appearance, adaptability to the male pattern of behavior, heterosexuality, within the framework of the passport sex, they diagnosed "Disloading sexual preference." Nevertheless, by hook or by crook, I received the first appointments to the replacement of hormonal therapy. I began to take female hormones in secret from my wife. And then, after five years of marriage, tired of everything, filed for divorce.

Finally, I was able to wear earrings in my ears and completely change the wardrobe with a female one. Colleagues saw in me a Quirry perfume, but I work in IT, where there are many strange people, so no one was particularly surprised. I was almost 30 years old, and I longed for male attention. But then I met a woman who turned my world upside down, with whom I wanted sex and children. She came to interview to our company. I opened to her before the wedding, but tried to remake myself out of love for her and lived in a male image for several years. We have two girls with a difference of six years.

But then everything gradually returned to its circles. I began to paint, make a manicure. The wife accepts these changes in me and my appearance and accepts hard: “Why do such a beautiful man like you disfigure yourself with female attributes: thin eyebrows, earrings, decorative cosmetics?”

I went to a consultation with a psychiatrist to help me balance the condition and thereby preserve my family, as well as clarify the presence of transsexuality in me. And unexpectedly for myself at the end of April this year, and I am already 41, received permission to transgender transition. Then I frankly talked with my mother. She asked for forgiveness for not being able to figure out what was happening in due time, and I forgave her, because the family is the most important thing in my life. Now she is the only person from the near circle who turns to me in a female gender, but she is not yet ready to call me a feminine name.

Grandma died on the last New Year. She had a senile dementia, and I helped mom care for her. I once hated my grandmother madly, and now I think that it was precisely the violence on her part that he hardly tempered my will to life.

The children have already seen me real. The youngest daughter is three years old, she doesn’t care. It turned out to be more complicated with the eldest, which is nine years old. This happened something like this:

- Dad, why are you in women's clothes and a wig?

- This is Julia - I have been preparing for this role in the theater all my life.

- Oh, how interesting, I can imagine what will happen if you and I go to the store! But I'm scared that you turn into aunt.

That is, this is so far scary, unfortunately.

My wife goes to my psychiatrist to understand me, my aspirations and desires, and save my family. Her love for me is so great that she is ready to meet me, even though she liked it too much.

The only pair with which we are truly friends, I told everything in mid-May. They perceived this recognition as surprisingly positively and said that now they understand why I am "so strange." True, they have not yet seen me real.

In the company where I am working now, I immediately explained what transgender is. For several years I achieved this place, and in the end they not only took me, but also the director on behalf of the company promised to protect my interests as a transgender person.

I'm sorry that the authors of the bill, led by Mizulina, deprive children of happiness to be with mothers. We put family values ​​at the forefront, but destroy families. Is it human? So far, the Family Code protects me: my children are mine by birth. If this inhuman law will be adopted, I will defend the right of children with loved and loving parents in all legal ways.

“Emigration is not for us. I like to live in Russia "

The story of Andrey

Same -sex marriages in Russia have never been allowed. But now Ms. Mizulina wants to prohibit making changes to the birth certificate when sex change. Then the registry office employees will also receive the right to check this document in addition to the passport. Suppose he will become a priority for marriage. But, if two grooms appear at the ceremony, one of whom was a woman in the past, such a marriage will be registered? After all, purely formally, the spouses were born heterosexual. And why are the priorities between the documents set just like that? My passport on the last page clearly says that it is he is the main identity card of a citizen of the Russian Federation, but now the birth certificate will be more important ... In general, this is all a continuous legislative nonsense that collects a lot of homophobes around itself.

I never felt my body as alien or inappropriate. My appearance has always been somewhat androgine: neither pronounced femininity, nor pronounced masculinity - something average. The same thing concerned my children's hobbies: I also liked playing with dolls, weaving from beads, crawling homemade bows, repairing a bicycle, dancing and engaged in martial arts. The only thing that did not suit me was a role in society, which my peers, school teachers and others imposed me, as a girl. Fortunately, my parents did not do this. And I was frank with my friends. With them - a little earlier than with parents. But as a teenager, I began to openly talk about my thoughts and feelings under adults and never met misunderstanding or aggression. I was lucky in this.

However, the older I became, the sharper I felt my otherness and the more difficult socialization proceeded. From the age of 15-16, I began to talk about myself in a male gender, communicating with friends. In official institutions and parents, he used the female family. Over time, this was increasingly difficult: it seemed to me that I pretended to be someone, justify other people's expectations so as not to attract attention and not to explain my behavior. This game of “not myself” took a lot of energy, so I did not want to go somewhere once again where I had to pull the mask. It was important for me to be not a man or a woman, but by himself-a person free from any gender stereotypes imposed.

With this approach, perhaps, one could not change anything in themselves, but then it seemed to me that men were more free in this sense than women. Now I know that everyone is equivalent. Would I have done the operation, knowing this in advance? Complex question. I have no answer to him. Sometimes it seems to me that he would not. But, when I try to imagine life without a transgender transition , I seem to rest in my mind against a certain wall and I understand that with a greater degree of probability, I would have done the same thing.

My first love and sympathy were for young men. I built awkward teenage relations, which came to mutual confessions, kisses and walks by the hand. But it happened to me to fall in love with the girls, and even mutually. I realized that I am absolutely indifferent to the gender of a person. I met my future wife as a teenager on a forum dedicated to computer games. We have been together for more than 10 years. But the fact that she is a woman is a pure accident, with the same success it could be a man. I just met my man, but the rest does not matter.

I started the transition at 23 (now I am 29). Friends congratulated me on this decision, many surprised me why I had not thought of that before. My parents were worried about possible risks for my health, but, having talked with doctors, calmed down. Mom has repeatedly said that she was proud of me. For the first time, I went to the clinic with my future wife. The day before, I was worried and even burst into tears from nervous tension, but everything went better than you could expect. In addition, I chose a private center with an appropriate license and qualified specialists who are configured to help people, and not take their souls out of them.

I consulted in advance with a lawyer who had already had experience in such matters, who explained to me all the stages of replacing documents. Neither in court, in the registry office, nor in the FMS I had problems. But all this took some time. The period was difficult when my appearance has already undergone significant changes, and the passport on my hands remained the same. The bank did not immediately give me a new card: employees were afraid of fraud, but in about half an hour I managed to calmly discuss everything with the manager. Perhaps they were all a little embarrassed, but I did not notice some negative reaction. At the time of the transition, I was a senior student. My classmates were not at all surprised. Those who were friends with me at the university are still friends. Teachers simply pretended not to notice anything. At least no one said anything to me in the face. I received a diploma in the female name, but after replacing the passport I changed it, just contacting the university.

Psychological problems began after the transition and replacement of all documents. Stress accumulated during this time resulted in a nervous breakdown. I have changed, the world around me began to make new demands on me, I had to learn to integrate into it in a new way. Everything fell at one moment. I realized that I could not cope myself, and turned to a psychologist who helped me recover.

After replacing the documents, my girlfriend and I, like any other pair, submitted an application to the registry office, chose the wedding date and signed on the appointed day. Acquaintance with the parents of the wife was calm, but we did not dedicate them to the details of my biography. We will not have children - this is a mutual solution.

My wife and I lived for some time in one of the European countries, but emigration is not for us. So now we are establishing lives in two countries. To be honest, I like to live in Russia more. I love Moscow - this is my hometown, here is my friends, here is the field of my implementation. I feel good at home.

"I was hoping that marriage would help me solve internal problems and understand myself."

The story of Vlada

I do not remember my childhood until 11 years old. This period is erased from my memory, and for some reason mom does not want to talk about him. I think the memory leads me away from some super-stressful situations, psycho-traumas that were in early childhood. It was difficult for me to communicate with other children: I did not feel like a boy and did not understand how to behave. I remember well that at 11 years old I began to pull me to women's clothing. Maybe it was pulling before, but I just don’t remember this. We lived outside the city, in a small village, and every summer a cousin came to us. Part of her clothes remained in a box in the attic. Once I found this box, put on a dress and realized that I feel very comfortable in it.

At the age of 12, I had the first pollution in my life. It happened so unexpectedly that it scared me. Then I began to feel my genitals as something alien, wrong. Over the next few years, I reacted very painfully to my teenage sexual desires and could not come to terms with the morning erection. I hated my body more and felt a strong craving for women's clothing. I understood that what was happening was wrong, but I had no one to talk about my feelings, and there was no information on this topic at that time. I thought I was the only one, and every year I became more and more depressed.

In the eighth grade I got a girl. She was two years younger than me. We were in love, kissed, hugged - nothing more. We met for several years and parted on my initiative after graduation, on the eve of the draft in the army. Questions that I could not find an answer to for many years, the inability to discuss them with someone, parting with a girl-all this greatly aggravated my psychological state. As a result, they did not take me into the army - I did not go through the medical board. I was put in a psychiatric hospital with severe depression. But even there I could not open up to doctors. I was prescribed antidepressants, and depression became chronic, so I drank a course every year.

In 1990, when I was 18 years old, I came across an erotic magazine "Mutuality". There was a photo of the overalls in the form of a female body. I then thought that I would like to get into this body, to grow together with it and not get out. I was confused and scared by these thoughts.

At 23, I met a girl. I liked her, but I did not love her. We met for several months, and in the end she became pregnant. In the spring we got married, and in the fall we had a son. I had no particular desire to create a family, I just wanted to be like everyone else and hoped that marriage would help me solve internal problems and understand myself. But by year by 30, hope faded. I forbade myself to change into women's clothes, envied the girls at whom men look with admiration. I wanted to look at me the same. It all tormented me very much. Of course, I did not say anything to my wife. Once I even tried to take the hormonal drugs prescribed to her, which were prescribed during pregnancy. But, seeing how my body is changing, I was scared and left

I learned about such a thing as a “transgender”, only at 39, when we bought a computer to my son. I collected information by bit, read thematic forums.

В январе 2012 года увидела по телевизору передачу с участием известных врачей, посвященную трансгендерным людям. У меня вся жизнь пронеслась перед глазами, я смотрела и плакала. Это стало переломным моментом: я решила обратиться к врачу и рассказать всю правду жене. Я пошла на прием к эндокринологу и во всем ей призналась. Я сильно волновалась, ведь она была первым человеком, которому я открылась. Она сжала мне руку: «Не волнуйтесь. У нас уже были такие люди», — и сказала, что мне нужно ехать на обследование в Москву или Петербург. It became easier for me.

Жене я призналась во всем спустя полгода, перед поездкой в Петербург на обследование. Я тогда снова начала принимать женские гормональные препараты и чувствовала, как уходит дискомфорт. Жена восприняла мое признание негативно. Долго молчала, переваривая услышанное. Со временем она пошла на уступки и разрешила мне ходить дома в женской одежде и пользоваться тональным кремом. От сына мы все скрывали. Мы прожили вместе еще 7 лет, а потом, когда жена поняла, что я собираюсь делать корректирующую операцию на гениталиях, развелись. За несколько месяцев до развода у меня появился парень. В будущем, когда я пройду через все операции и поменяю документы, я бы не отказалась заключить брак с мужчиной. Если, конечно, этот ужасный законопроект Мизулиной не примут. Многие сейчас задумываются об эмиграции, но я не вижу смысла уезжать в Европу, меня там никто не ждет.

Я дважды ездила на обследования в Петербург, но из-за разных бюрократических проволочек так и не попала на медкомиссию. Планирую сделать это в этом году.

С агрессией из-за своего внешнего вида я сталкивалась всего пару раз. Я человек простой рабочей специальности. Мой пьющий коллега цеплялся ко мне и называл «пидором». Один раз он близко подошел и замахнулся. Fortunately, there was. Однажды нетрезвый парень кричал, что не поедет в одной маршрутке с пидором — то есть со мной. Девушка пыталась его успокоить, но он вышел. Ни я, ни остальные пассажиры никак на это не отреагировали.

Сын узнал о моей трансгендерности только после армии — жена и моя мать ему рассказали. Он очень расстроился, потому что хотел папу, как у всех. Сама бы я на этот разговор не решилась — не хотела причинять ему боль.

Сейчас мне 48 лет. После развода я живу с матерью. Папа умер три года назад. Он был замкнутым человеком, особо со мной не общался и не задавал вопросов по поводу моего внешнего вида. С матерью у меня напряженные отношения. Хотелось бы по-другому, но она воспринимает меня настоящую в штыки. С женой я общаюсь по делу, с сыном — нормально. Он видел меня дома с сережками и в женских маечках — иногда я так и на улицу выхожу. Но мы об этом никогда не говорим. Сын, кажется, уже смирился.

«Дети не рождаются гомофобами или трансфобами»

История Дарины

Лет в 7 я стала чувствовать какой-то дискомфорт, но что со мной не так, понять не могла. Все стало яснее после просмотра одного советского детского фильма « Веселое сновидение, или Смех сквозь слезы ». По сюжету один из героев — мальчик-принц — в финале оказывается девочкой. Я примерила на себя этот сюжет. Надевала парик и красилась мамиными тенями пару раз. Ух и ругалась она тогда! Весело вспомнить. Не скажу, что родные придавали этому какое-то значение, разве что батя ворчал, когда я, будучи школьницей, пыталась сделать себе маникюр. С актрисой, исполнившей ту роль, я несколько лет назад списалась в сети и сказала «спасибо», но рассказывать о себе не стала — зачем ей чужие тараканы?

Моя первая жена ничего о моей трансгендерности не знала. Да и знать-то особо было нечего. Мало ли какие бывают мечты и фантазии? После 4 лет брака мы развелись. Я думала, что у меня никогда не будет детей, вся моя жизнь была завязана на работе.

В детстве гендерная дисфория меня особо не беспокоила, но она стала нарастать с возрастом. Активно менять свой внешний облик я начала только ближе к 30 годам. Купила женскую одежду и обувь, поступила в школу визажа и стиля — кто бы меня еще научил наносить макияж? Трансгендерный переход был в то время для меня чем-то вроде неисполнимой мечты. Не думала, что решусь.

В итоге на переход я решилась через несколько лет после развода. Моя нынешняя супруга была в курсе: я рассказала ей все еще до брака и рождения детей, в конфетно-цветочный период отношений. Она отреагировала нормально.

Публичный каминг-аут я совершила уже после рождения наших троих детей. Это был волнительный момент. Я снималась в рекламном ролике, который заказала для своей фирмы. Представляться в нем мужским именем совершенно не хотелось, и я назвалась Дариной, хотя у меня все еще были документы на мужское имя. Через несколько дней после съемок я написала открытое письмо всем друзьям, коллегам, поставщикам, заказчикам, где описала ситуацию. Практически все отреагировали нормально, а несколько человек просто молча исчезли из моей жизни.

Младшие дети были еще слишком малы, чтобы что-то им объяснять. Они меня другую и не помнят. Со временем у них, конечно, возникнут вопросы. Тайны делать не буду, а то решат еще, что я им не родная. Старшему сыну было 11, когда я получила новые документы. Он адекватный парень, все понял четко — такое бывает, что люди совершают переход. Дети не рождаются гомофобами или трансфобами, им не надо объяснять, почему «те два дяди держатся за ручку». Для детского ума любовь — норма жизни, она не вызывает вопросов. Ребенок скорее спросит: «Почему вон те два дяди дерутся?» или «Почему люди воюют?». На эти вопросы чистой детской душе трудно самостоятельно найти ответы.

В российском обществе не так-то просто перейти на «другую сторону». Чтобы поменять документы, мне пришлось официально разводиться, собрать кучу справок и несколько раз слетать в Питер, где я проходила медобследование. В 2013 году петербургский активист и ярый противник ЛГБТ Тимур Булатов начал угрожать мне в соцсетях. Соседи по подъезду, родители в родительском комитете в школе, где учился старший сын, такого могли наплести, что волосы дыбом вставали. Слухи и сплетни за спиной, неприкрытая агрессия — все это давило, поэтому в 2015 году мы просто переехали в другой район, ведь каждому рот не заткнешь.

В 2016 году Булатов разослал письма в администрацию города от имени некой «серьезной и страшной» организации, в которой Булатов является единственным членом. Не помню ее название. Чиновники с перепуга выложили ему все данные о замене моих документов с мужских на женские и прочую личную информацию. Получив это, он в 2017 году написал заявление в полицию, что я пропагандирую гомосексуальность. Когда нашей семьей заинтересовалась полицейские, мы путешествовали по США. В тот момент мы решили, что возвращаться в Россию не стоит. Поначалу было несладко: финансово я совершенно не была готова к такому дауншифтингу. Нам пришлось проработать год в клининге, пока я встала на ноги. Помощь мы не получали, да и не просили — неловко быть просящей.

В США мы заключили уже однополый брак и сейчас живем хорошо. Я общаюсь по скайпу с родителями и старшей сестрой, которые пытались меня отговорить от трансгендерного перехода. Они и сейчас не в восторге, но смирились и привыкли, называют меня Дариной, и тема моего перехода давно не упоминается.

По России я не скучаю, что удивительно. Я думала, меня накроет ностальгия. But no. Все, что казалась аутентичным, присущим только России, в США имеется в избытке: квас, бабульки на скамейках у дома или пельмени на развес… Спокойно жить в России можно, лишь смирившись со всем трешаком, что там творится. Поломанные жизни ЛГБТ-людей — лишь капля в болоте. Не могу назвать это морем. И мириться тоже не желаю.