"Kids run to me, shouting" mom "and" woman "at the same time"

Women who gave birth after 50 talk about their lives

In 2019, more than 300 children were taken over 50 in Russia over 50, and experts believe that with the development of medicine and reproductive technologies, the birth rate among older women will only grow. Especially for the Cold, Anna Alekseeva talked about the pros and cons of late motherhood with women, who became mothers at 50 and later.

"" You are not enough for you one disabled? " - the doctor told me "

Lyudmila, 54 years old

I always adored children and wanted a large family. The teenager gathered children around her, drove them to the cinema, fiddled with the baby. I got married at the age of 19, at 20 I gave birth to a daughter, and after another three years - my son. My husband and I raised children and, after almost 20 years of marriage, parted. At 42, I got married for the second time: for my husband it was the first marriage, he had no children, and at that time he did not even think about them. And I really wanted common children, although friends said: “Why do you need more? You already have two. "

Soon I became pregnant and gave birth to my son Vanechka. I was 43 years old. During pregnancy, I took tests, did screening, and everything was normal, but the child was born with Down syndrome. I was in shock because I knew nothing about this pathology. When they told me the diagnosis, I imagined a child who only sways from side to side and shouts “aaaa”. I cried for a day, I could not sleep. I thought: I will write out and jump from the roof. “How, such a smart girl, could give birth to a sick child?” Then she began to think: “No, I will jump - and my husband and son will suffer? Better I will take the child and with him I will pass away. ”

I don’t even know how I, the optimist, could have occurred to such terrible thoughts. At some point, I realized that I was crazy with lack of sleep, and could force myself to sleep. Three days later, I and my son were put in a separate ward. I looked at him: there is a head, there are legs, there are legs-it means that everything will be fine. The anesthesiologist suggested that I abandon the child. And I told her that I would not give him to the orphanage: there, from healthy children, they make patients, what can we say about such as mine. Anyway, he is my son, my blood.

I was worried about how my husband would react to all this. But he was calm, I did not notice anything like that. Only six months later, cleaning in the apartment, I found a sedative in his nightstand and realized that he was also worried. I told older children about Down syndrome only two months after giving birth. They answered: “What are you driving? He is our brother. " In general, the children reacted much more calmly than my husband and I. And my mother and mother -in -law did not leave Vanya at all and were very happy with him.

Soon after the birth of Vanya, my husband and I realized that we wanted more a child. We began to walk around the doctors, take tests. Doctors said that we were healthy, but the pregnancy never occurred. Time passed, and the chances of getting pregnant were melting every year. Therefore, at some point we decided on IVF. They made threeplants to me, but they were unsuccessful. Doctors shook their hands: "Age!" We wasted a lot of money. The husband even once said: “Yes, it’s better if they bought a new car to you!” I even thought about surrogate motherhood, but my husband was against, saying: “If you couldn’t stand it, then - yes, but you just can’t get pregnant.” Then I suggested taking the child from the orphanage, to which my husband replied that this was not necessary, because he already has a son.

And then my daughter became pregnant. I was very happy and flew on the wings. The husband, seeing this, said: “We close the question with your pregnancy and continue to live on. Take care of your daughter. " I thought he was right, especially since I already had three children. Although it was not easy for me to abandon my dream.

“What do you think? The child will go to school, and you will be a pensioner! "

When the granddaughter was born, I forgot about everything and with pleasure nursed her - I enjoyed the role of my grandmother. But at some point I realized that I have not had menstruation for a long time, although they had always come on time before. I thought that, probably, menopause began, but just in case I decided to donate blood to hCG . I went to the clinic in the morning, and then went to my granddaughter, asking the doctors to throw the result to the mail. They were surprised in the clinic because women usually sit, wait for results, worry. But somehow I did not care.

Arriving at my daughter, I started to iron the diaper, and an hour later I looked into the mail to find out the result of the analysis. I read a letter and I can’t understand anything. "Result: 1720 honey/ml." I call my daughter: “Valyush, look, please, I don’t understand something ... I'm pregnant?” The daughter grumbled: “Mom, you have been pregnant for many years,” and began to read. - So. If the result is more than 25, then it is pregnant. Well, yes". She closed the letter and gathered about her business. It got to her only after a few seconds. Having reached the middle of the room, the daughter stopped abruptly, turned and exclaimed: “Mom! You are pregnant! And what is the deadline?! ” And I don’t know, I didn’t follow myself, but I thought about my granddaughter. I immediately called my husband, and in the evening he came home with an armful of roses.

In the morning I went to a antenatal clinic, and the gynecologist confirmed that I will have a child. Pregnancy was very difficult. I lay a layer, getting up only to take my youngest son to the kindergarten. My husband did everything else: he took Vanya from the kindergarten, cooked food, washed, cleaned. Due to the threat of miscarriage, I lay twice on preservation.

Doctors tried to persuade me to abortion. I refused. The geneticist considered me a patient all over his head, because, according to the results of the tests, the child should have been born with the syndromes of Down, Patau and Shereshevsky-Turner . "You are not enough for one disabled person?!" She told me. And my husband and I were really expecting this child, especially since I got pregnant myself. “What do you think? The child will go to school, and you will be a pensioner! " - said others. I answered this: “Great. I will devote more time to the child than young mothers who need to work. ”

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At 50, for my husband’s birthday, I gave birth to Mishenka. They made me a cesarean. The child was born large (4 kilograms of 700 grams) and absolutely healthy. Now he is already four years old. Some ask me: “Did you give birth to Misha so that he would take care of the older brother then? So that Vanya is not handed over to the boarding school after your death? ” No! I gave birth for myself. The youngest has its own life. And on the deathbed, I will never tell my son that he should now follow his brother. And the husband will never say that. Whatever decision the son makes, I will not blame him, because I understand well what to raise a child with disabilities.

I have enough strength for children and three grandchildren - my own burden does not pull! Both with the elders, and with the younger ones. The only thing that Vanya, because of his features, needs to be devoted a little more time. We have enough money, although I have not been working for a year, because Vanya went to a correctional school and he needs to devote even more time, and to take the nanny too expensive. But if there are financial problems, I will return to work.

I remember when I was lying for the first time for the first time, my neighbor in the ward, which was 32 years old, said that now, I was at 50 years old, I would live another 10-15 years, and the child would remain an orphan early. I answered her that the matter was not at the age. And a young mother can die from cancer or die in an accident. The child may be left alone, because his parents refused him. And I will not abandon my own. And in general, I have long -livers in the family, so I think to live up to 80. My son will be 30 years old at that time - a completely independent person.

I do not be upset when outsiders take me for my grandmother. Maybe because I am a grandmother in fact: after all, I have three grandchildren who were born one after another. Usually the kids run to me, shouting “mother” and “woman” at the same time, and others look at me in bewilderment, not understanding who I am.

Pregnancy at an older age of study of the influence of the age of pregnancy has shown that mothers increase the risk of complications when they try to get pregnant after 35 years. A decrease in the total number of eggs leads to the fact that this becomes more difficult to do over the years. At the same time, the risk of premature birth or fetal loss increases. According to American statistics, if at the age of 20–24 years the cesarean section is used only in every third case, then by 35–40 years and older - already in half the pregnancies.

During pregnancy, age -related mothers can increase pressure, as well as gestational diabetes . In children born of older mothers, the risk of developing chromosomal anomalies is increased - in particular, Down syndrome.

"In my youth, I did not have time to enjoy motherhood"

Svetlana Naumova, 61 years old

I have two children: the son of Vasya from the first marriage is 36 years old, the daughter of Alice - from the second - three years. I have long wanted a child, even at one time I froze the eggs, but the circumstances did not allow me to give birth earlier.

My first husband drank and did not help with the child at all. I did not have time to enjoy my motherhood: I gave my son to the nursery, because I had to work, and Vasya really lacked my attention. Time passed, the son grew up and began to live independently. In the profession, everything turned out for me-I am a psychologist and a business trainer. After a divorce from my husband, closer to the age of 50, I met another man, younger than me for six years. Soon we got married. We really wanted a common child, but it was not possible to conceive on our own. My sister believed that my desire to have more children is caused by changing hormonal background due to menopause: “Time will pass, and you will be happy that you do not have a child.” But we secretly from everyone, even from my son, decided on IVF. We foresaw the negative reaction of others, and we did not need extra excitement. If we didn’t succeed, no one would have recognized.

For two and a half years, the epic lasted with my attempts to get pregnant from a test tube. Doctors in state clinics looked at me as a worked out material. We realized that there was nothing to catch there, and turned to a private clinic. Surprisingly, there were many age couples, and the attitude towards people there is completely different. We received so much support! Two segments of embryos were unsuccessful. All this time, the thought was spinning in my head, that since it doesn’t work out, maybe not necessary? Maybe I'm walking along the false path? I even thought to adopt the child, but with the third attempt and with the last embryo, I finally became pregnant.

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All pregnancy to the very birth I was afraid that something would go wrong, there would be a miscarriage or premature birth. Fortunately, everything worked out, and the birth passed easily. The relatives and acquaintances reacted differently to the birth of our daughter, but many age couples began to ask how we succeeded, because they knew little about IVF and did not even think that at that age it was possible.

When they ask me if it’s hard for me now with my daughter, I reply that it was harder with my son when I dragged everything on myself. My husband helps me a lot with Alice, and when she was one and a half years old, we took the nanny. I am now enjoying motherhood: I have more free time, more financial opportunities, more experience than in my youth. And time is different now: so many things have appeared for children, the same groups of early development. In the 1990s, this was not the case.

Others think that children give birth "for the sake of a glass of water" in old age. But it is not a fact that in the future relations with the child will develop well

For a long time I felt guilty before my son for not having given him attention in childhood. The birth of her daughter began to be an incentive to discuss with him, an adult man, what my actions in his childhood influenced his future life, and together to rethink our past, to live children's grievances. This is a useful experience for both of us.

Some say that giving birth to children after 50 is selfishness. But selfish motives do not depend on age. In general, in adulthood, people have already taken place as personalities, as professionals, and they want to give love. This is such a pleasure - to observe how your child grows! Others think that children give birth "for the sake of a glass of water" in old age. But it is not a fact that in the future, relations with the child will form well or he will live nearby, and not in another city or even a country. Of course, parents should soberly evaluate their strength and capabilities. If mom whines about her sores and lives only on retirement, the child will sooner or later reproach her: “Mom, why did you give birth to me!”, And will be right. Children are the responsibility of parents. I am not going to sit on my daughter’s neck and take care of myself. I have my own online school, I earn normally and constantly develop. I physically do not feel like a “grandmother”, although eight months ago I had a granddaughter.

I'm not afraid that the child will be shy about my age. There are many age mothers now, especially in Europe and the USA. In addition, the current generation is super -lerant: children are not important for children, skin color and sexual orientation. The world has changed. But if the daughter asks me why the mothers of her friends are much younger than me, I will answer that her mother is cool, because not everyone can give birth at that age. And what I really wanted to have a daughter, and put every effort for this.

I believe that I can change my worldview to a new world in which my daughter will live and create. The ability to navigate in the new reality and form common values, and not to impose their own - the main thing for age parents.

"I was scared that this is a tumor"

Larisa Ilyina, 62

Until 30 years old, my husband and I did not plan to have children - they built a career. At that time, it was more important for us to defend the dissertations. Parents never crushed us. We lived separately and were free to dispose of our lives ourselves. We studied and worked at the same institute, but at different departments: my husband is a physicist, I am a chemist. The work and writing of the dissertation took a lot of time and effort, but we were helped by the fact that in our youth we became supporters of the healthy lifestyle and lived on the “system of natural recovery” of the Soviet doctor Galina Shatalova .

When I was 32 years old, my husband and I decided that it was time to get children. For four years, I tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant. Why it didn’t work for so long, I don’t know - we did not go to be examined. Desperate, we went to the Shatalova seminar, talked about our problem. I carefully listened to everything that Shatalova was talking about, followed her advice and soon became pregnant. Pregnancy proceeded well, the only thing - my legs swollen a little. At 36, I gave birth to a daughter.

We really wanted a second child. When the daughters were four years old, we decided - it's time. But again, nothing came out with us. This time we went through all possible examinations, passed tests. The verdict of doctors - both are healthy, but the pregnancy never occurred. And at some point we calmed down, decided that, apparently, not fate. Moreover, we already had one child.

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At 49, my period suddenly disappeared. I decided that it was a hormonal failure and went to a antenatal clinic. The gynecologist looked at me and sent me on an ultrasound. I was scared that this was a tumor. The doctor who watched me on the ultrasound apparatus suddenly began to smile. I lay and thought: “My God, what a bad woman! I have grief, and she smiles! ” And then she told me that I was pregnant with a boy. I was in shock.

Of course, I was glad, but worried that suddenly my husband would be against it. However, I almost immediately realized that I was still giving birth to a child, no matter what it costs me. If it is difficult to grow, I will take a nanny. In general, I came to my husband to work. I say, you know, we will have a child, a boy. My husband had such a serious look, but as soon as he heard about his son, he immediately blurred in a smile.

The second pregnancy was easier than the first. I had no swelling, all the tests are normal. The doctors were surprised. None of them tried to dissuade me, and it would be useless. Nobody squinted at my pregnant woman: I looked much younger than my years. I was not afraid of later clans, because I soberly evaluated my capabilities. For many years I led a healthy lifestyle and was in great shape: I had no problems with pressure or excess weight, I was engaged in the prevention of diseases. I was offered a cesarean, but I gave birth on my own. I was 50 years old. The husband was present at childbirth. As soon as his son was born, his husband took him in his arms, brought him to the window and began to tell him about the world outside. He said that the baby had a very conscious look.

It turned out that he was worried that he would lose me before the children of young parents

The husband at that time had his own business. He left the case on his partner and actually went on maternity leave for a year, helped me in everything. But in the first year of his son’s life, we still took the nanny-our familiar, my peer. It was physically difficult for me because I did not get enough sleep. And so, with the second child there was much less excitement than with the first, because over the years we gained experience and knowledge.

Our daughter found out that she will have a brother, shortly before giving birth. Живот у меня был небольшой, так что она ни о чем не догадывалась. Когда мы сообщили ей эту новость, она обиделась. Дочь на тот момент была подростком — это сложный период — и единственным ребенком в семье, которому уделяли все внимание, поэтому восторга от появления брата у нее не было. Но постепенно ее отношение поменялось.

Год назад я заметила, что у сына глаза на мокром месте. Выяснилось, что он переживал, что лишится меня раньше, чем дети молодых родителей. Я объяснила, что возраст тут не имеет значения: моя знакомая заболела и умерла в 40 лет, оставив сына фактически сиротой — отец бросил ребенка, а бабушки уже не было. Потом я достала весы-анализаторы (они показывают процентное содержание жира в организме, мышечную массу и т. д.) и показала сыну, какой у меня биологический возраст — 14 лет. То есть я нахожусь в гораздо лучшей форме, чем многие молодые матери. Это его успокоило.

«Я не хочу грузить детей своей старостью — не для того рожала»

Людмила Грищенко, 62 года

C первым мужем мы прожили три года. Я беременела два раза, но обе беременности оказались внематочными — так что я смирилась с тем, что не стану матерью. После развода с мужем я с головой ушла в работу. 10 лет работала акушеркой в больнице, и каждый раз, когда я держала в руках новорожденного, мое сердце сжималось от радости за него и ныло, потому что сама я родить так и не смогла.

Я жила на съемных квартирах, а в 1980-х уехала работать на север в надежде заработать денег, а потом, еще через несколько лет, поехала в Афганистан — медсестрой. Но денег я не заработала, только здоровье посадила. Вернувшись домой, я, как участница боевых действий, получила комнатушку в общежитии.

Со вторым мужем я познакомилась, когда мне было 36 лет. Он на 12 лет моложе меня. Мы не расписывались, но почти сразу он переехал ко мне. Жили мы бедно — как и многие в лихие 1990-е. В мои 40 лет, когда мы потихоньку начали выбираться из нищеты, я заморозила яйцеклетки — стоило это не так дорого. Но ЭКО мы позволить себе не могли: мне назвали космическую сумму — по тем временам, наверное, как стоимость квартиры. Да я и не была уверена, что смогу выносить ребенка самостоятельно, а платить надо было за каждую попытку — даже за неудачную.

Я теперь жалею, что детей у меня больше не будет — я только вошла в кураж, но возраст уже не позволяет.

Мы занялись автобизнесом: гоняли машины из Европы. Понемногу раскрутились, сначала купили квартиру, потом построили дом, начали путешествовать — даже на Ямайке были. В общем, после 45 жизнь у нас только началась.

Однажды вечером мы с мужем, проводив гостей, сидели на крыльце. И тут он неожиданно сказал: «А давай возьмем ребенка из детдома?». Меня так ошарашили эти слова и так стало жалко мужа, который на меня всю молодость потратил. Мне на тот момент было уже 52 года.

Мне, однако, хотелось родного по крови ребенка, поэтому я предложила найти суррогатную мать. Тем более, что деньги у нас уже были. После осмотра и сдачи анализов врач сказал, что я смогу выносить ребенка самостоятельно. Я не могла в это поверить и летала, как на крыльях, от радости. Первая подсадка была неудачной, но я не сдавалась. Я ездила по святым источникам, просила у бога ребенка. Даже выпросила у батюшки благословение, хотя православная церковь ЭКО не одобряет. А мужу сказала, что дети должны родиться в законном браке, и мы повенчались и расписались. Следующая попытка была удачной — я забеременела. Если бы у меня не рос живот, я б не поверила, что беременна. Бегала до последнего — я вообще «энерджайзер» по жизни. В 54 года я родила Настю. Как я была рада, что смогла прочувствовать счастье материнства: шевеление ребенка в животе, кормление грудью!

Через год я начала думать о втором ребенке: не хотелось, чтобы в случае чего Настя осталась одна — вдвоем детям будет лучше. Родители мужа переживали: «Зачем рисковать? Возраст уже не тот. Один ребенок у вас уже есть». Но я твердо решила идти к своей цели. Врач, который делал мне кесарево, сказал: «Люда, ну ты экстремал!». На этот раз забеременеть удалось только с третьей попытки: я не опускала руки и была уверена, что у меня получится. Эта беременность протекала сложно, была угроза выкидыша. В 58 лет я родила Полинку. Она появилась на свет раньше срока, весом всего 1 килограмм 600 грамм. Мне предлагали оставить ее в больнице под наблюдением, но я написала отказ и самостоятельно выходила дочь дома.

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Я теперь жалею, что не начала раньше и детей у меня больше не будет — я только вошла в кураж, но возраст уже не позволяет.

Еще когда я родила Настю, моя сестра осталась без работы, и я платила ей, чтобы она сидела с ребенком, когда мне надо было отъехать по делам. Сейчас с детьми помогает двоюродная сестра мужа — приходит днем на несколько часов. Так безопаснее, чем кого-то постороннего на работу брать. Но няня мне нужна не для отдыха, а чтобы сгонять на базар и наготовить всякого — я люблю готовить и много времени отдаю кухне. А так с детьми занимаюсь я, не няня.

Сейчас моим дочкам восемь и четыре года. Я с ними на одной волне — надо идти в ногу со временем. Я слушаю их музыку. Не буду же навязывать им «Ромашки спрятались, поникли лютики». Сейчас другая жизнь, мир изменился. Помню, в мое детство мама орала, когда я включала Beatles. А я стараюсь маминых ошибок не повторять. Девчонки YouTube включают, у меня голова трещит, но я слушаю и делаю вид, что мне нравится. При этом я не балую девочек. Никогда мои дети мне на голову не сядут. Балует папа. Дочки для него как принцессы. Но, чуть что, он кричит мне: «Люда, скажи им! Они меня не слушают!».

Раньше я скрывала свой возраст: вместо 1958 года рождения называла 1968-й. Друзья не знали, что я старше мужа на 12 лет. Выглядела я всегда хорошо, так что разница в возрасте не была заметна. Когда я родила Настю, меня начали донимать телевизионщики, но я много лет отказывалась рассказывать свою историю, ведь мне бы пришлось на всю страну назвать свой реальный возраст. Но ради врача, который помог мне забеременеть, в какой-то момент согласилась. Мне стали писать письма отчаявшиеся женщины из Украины, России, Беларуси, которые никак не могли забеременеть. Я для каждой находила доброе слово, помогала им поверить в свои силы.

Дочки на мой возраст внимания не обращают и называют меня самой красивой мамой. Я худенькая, слежу за собой, одеваюсь по моде, продвинутая. What else is needed? Иногда на базаре меня могут назвать «бабушкой». Меня это чисто по-женски обижает. Я всех женщин девушками называю — так вежливее.

Я прошу бога, чтобы он дал мне здоровья и быстрой смерти: не хочу быть лежачей, чтобы дети за мной ухаживали. Но я уверена, что успею и дочек вырастить, и внуков понянчить — у меня огромный запас энергии. К тому же муж моложе меня на 12 лет, и финансовых проблем у нас нет. У девочек должна быть своя жизнь, я не хочу грузить их своей старостью — не для того рожала.