"There was a feeling that I was just an incubator"

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"He admitted that he decided to arrange a surprise and secretly removed the condom"

Alina (name changed), 42 years old

I never wanted children. Fortunately, my parents did not put pressure on me on this occasion and did not demand grandchildren. From my childhood, they said that I am a smart, serious girl, that I need to study, and later rejoiced at my success at work. Parents believed that I myself have the right to decide what and when I needed. I am very grateful to them for this.

I became pregnant at 32 years old from a man whom I had met at that time for a year. At the beginning of the relationship, I told him that I did not plan children at all, and we will be protected by condoms: I can’t do pills due to the risk of thrombosis. He agreed. Every month and a half I flew on business trips. Perhaps, due to the change of time zones, my cycle was irregular, and I did not immediately notice that it became pregnant. I made two tests, both turned out to be positive. I figured out the term - about 10 weeks - and panicked that I would not have time to abort. I was shaking with horror, everything was like in a fog. I had no thoughts to leave the child at all: I was engaged in my career and saved up for housing. The partner at that time was on a business trip, he would still not be able to help me, so I did not tell him anything and decided to act independently.

I called my gynecologist, but she replied that "she was not doing this." Moreover, it was said in such a tone as if I was about to kill a one -year -old child - I even span. A polite disgust was felt in her voice, I seemed to be a second -grade person for her. The gynecologist called another doctor from their clinic. I signed up the next day, paid for the reception and from the threshold said that I had come for an abortion. There was only one thought in my head: “Rather, to remove it from me!” The doctor nodded and led me to the next office for an ultrasound, clarify the deadline. I remember that she poked her finger at the monitor and slyly fingered: “Look, here's your baby, already 10 weeks. Here are his legs-horses. ” Seeing that I do not react in any way, she turned on the sound: “It beats his heart, hear? You must give birth to him. Great baby, healthy! You are already 32 - where else to pull! Then you will not be able to give birth, you will be treated, you will have to do IVF. ” I lay and fucked up from what was happening. A week ago, I was on a business trip, talked with the first persons of the companies, signed the contracts, made decisions, were considered to be with me, I was a man. And now I am lying with a gel on my stomach, and some kind of extraneous aunt talks to me, as with a younger-baby who does not understand anything in life and does not know what he wants. There was a feeling that everyone decided and planned my life for me, and I was just an incubator. My thoughtful appearance, the gynecologist, apparently, took for doubts and doubled Susyukania. While I wiped my stomach, she quickly printed pictures, rolled the conclusion and gave it out with the words: “Now we sign up for pregnancy: we have a“ standard ”program and the Comfort program. They differ in the number of tests and ultrasound. ” I scooped up pieces of paper and rushed to the wardrobe.

In the next house, I found a private office of the gynecologist. The doctor without problems wrote me a direction and even corrected the numbers in the analyzes a little: “In abortion, they can be wrapped, they will be sent to treat, and it is actually uncritical.” I am still grateful to this woman. My leukocytes were slightly increased, which spoke of inflammation. They would say for a week to treat with candles, then retake the tests - and there all the deadlines would have come out. A day later, I had an abortion.

Soon my partner returned from a business trip. We met in a shopping center where we usually went to the cinema and restaurant. I told him in the forehead that Vizit is dick condoms. Upon learning about pregnancy, he was not afraid and was not upset, as I expected, but, on the contrary, began to skip and admitted that everything was fine with them, he just decided to arrange a surprise and secretly removed the condom during sex. Say, we have been meeting for a long time, the age for the birth of children is suitable, and he has a treshka - you can give birth to two in a row.

Removing the condom during intercourse without the consent of the partner is called stealthing . In 2017, in Switzerland , the court found a man who secretly removed the condom, guilty of rape and sentenced to a year conditionally. Later, for this, he received a conditional term and a fine of a resident of Germany.

American scientists from the National Center for Prevention and Monitoring of injuries calculated that a third of women raped by partners are subjected to various forms of reproductive violence. In particular, 19.6% of them reported that the partners tried to force them to conceive or prevent them from using contraceptives, and 23.3% reported that their partners refused to use condoms.

Then I exploded and began to yell at the entire shopping center, which from the very beginning warned him that I did not want to have children. He continued to condescendingly skip and noticed that I could not be nervous, because the child feels everything, and I will definitely love a daughter or son when he begins to kick. Then, in high colors, I demanded that I reimburse 10 thousand spent on abortion, and no longer appear within a radius of a kilometer. From surprise and from the fact that he apparently did not want to scandal in a crowded place, he silently reached an ATM and gave me money. I muttered later, they say, a year earlier, a year later, you still need to have children - why not now? We have not seen him anymore.

“I often dream of the same nightmare: I can’t feed the child and he is taken by the custody of him."

Elena (name changed), 29 years old

For many years I met with my child's father. The three of us lived: I, he and his younger sister that I raised - the family of my young man was not the most prosperous, and the girl was safer to live with us. Then we parted, but his sister stayed with me, and my, now the former, young man sometimes visited me to solve some household issues. One of these meetings ended in unplanned sex - so I became pregnant, I was 26 years old.

This pregnancy was an incredible hit. My partner drew attention to the fact that the condom flows, and asked if it was possible not to worry about it? Despite the fact that at that time I had a spiral at that time for almost two years, I still ran to the pharmacy in the morning for an emergency contraception. The pharmacist dug up under the counter for a long time, even said that he was not, but then she found it. I took pills, but, as it later turned out, they did not work - perhaps they were expired. Then there was a delay. The first test showed that I am pregnant.

I cried a lot. I really wanted a child, but in the future, because now he was completely unable to me. I already kept my ex sister and tried to accumulate money to continue my studies - I had to leave the university when my mother fell ill with cancer. The former could not help either: he did not work for the past few years - he only fed me endless “breakfasts” and sat on my neck. It was scary to do an abortion: I was afraid that then I could not get pregnant. But I understood that I had no other way out. I decided that it was better to help a girl, actually brought up by me than to give birth to a child who will not have a livelihood.

The doctors in the antenatal clinic pulled time: at first they lost the tests, but they said that they were still bad, but they could not have such an abortion. They were forced to take the tests again. Then they said that an abortion is too late - supposedly the deadline is already more than 12 weeks. It was not true - and subsequently the gynecologist told me that, they say, a mistake came out. All this time I heard in my address that "normal women are happy to give birth without money and without a husband," and I, "a stupid and infantile hysteria, conceived a murder." I, alas, had no money for an abortion in a paid clinic.

The spiral was pulled out of me, as if they wanted to punish: “It hurts to her! Why was there a spiral? This is an abortive contraception! ” They also told me that the spiral was standing correctly, which means that my pregnancy is “a miracle of God”, and I, “a bad mother,” wanted an abortion.

When it became clear that all the deadlines for abortion went out, I told the father of the child that she was pregnant. At first, he did not believe - I have a spiral, but his stomach grew, and he realized that I did not lie.

Pregnancy was not easy, I even came to the preservation for a short while. I was told that the child could be born sick. I arrived at the hospital at the end of the 40th week, I had no fights. Collected a consultation. Doctors rudely palpated me, trying to stimulate birth activities - it was like a group rape. They behaved like I am some kind of object, well, or a corpse. I cried in pain, but tried to do it quietly. One of the doctors noticed my tears and said: “Giving birth is very painful. I came to give birth, so behave decent! ” The child was very large, the doctors wanted to give me a “chance to give birth to itself”, but in the end I was still sent to Caesarean. A healthy boy was born.

I love my son, I fell in love with childbirth. But I am very sorry for him: neither a full family, nor prosperity, nor a quality education in the future - I can even buy medicines prescribed by a doctor, there is not enough money. I would not have loved so much - I would have left in the hospital and hoped that good people would adopt him. Who knows, maybe by my decision I ruined his life. I often dream of the same nightmare: I can’t feed the child and takes care of him.

Now the son is two years old. He and the 16-year-old sister of my former I bring up alone. The former and I tried to converge, but nothing came of it, and I sent him to live with my mother. Periodically, he appears, gives a thousand rubles from the Barsky shoulder and says that it will soon earn good money and keep us that we will get married and, of course, change our son documents (in the column “father” he has a dash, and I gave the middle name according to his grandfather). I nod silently, but for a long time I do not believe in this nonsense.

"Mom promised in case of an abortion to cut off all connections, deprive the apartment and generally all support"

Olga (name changed), 42 years old

For the first time I did an abortion at the age of 19 - I summed up oral contraceptives. The mother, with whom I am used to sharing what is happening in my life, supported me. In those years, no one heard about pro -literaits and did not stutter about any sins and hardware syndromes - neither doctors nor others. Abortion and abortion are not enough, but absolutely no tragedy. I had no “family-children” installations. I studied in Moscow, lived according to the “Study-Tusovs-entertainment” scheme, plus sometimes part-time jobs. My family is not the rich, but it is quite a middle class. In general, the whole world was at my feet. I thought that someday, probably, the child’s birth was strictly alone, but not soon. And here is an unexpected man - at 21, I became pregnant from my new young man, for whom in 12 years I got married - I pulled with the design of the marriage: the lack of a stamp in the passport seemed to me the last Rubikon of Freedom. Again, contraceptives were brought up, although it was already different, I changed them after that time. I was still not ready for the child, so I again decided to have an abortion. My interests were so far from childbearing that I did not even think about what it was like to be a mother. I believed that a child is something like an accessory mandatory for a woman, like a beautiful doll. Now it is so strange to remember this, because the younger brother grew up in my eyes, and I even sometimes nursed with him. However, I could not try on the situation on myself. Youth, damn it, carelessness!

I told about everything of my mother, and if in the first pregnancy she supported me, then this time cut off: you will give birth! Mom was always in the main family, she ruled the business and knew how to bend anyone under herself. She decided that it was time for me to give birth, because she thought that after the second abortion I would definitely not have children. Now, when I am at the same age as my mother then, I ask her, did she understand that it was some kind of nonsense. Mom does not know what to answer. As if she was inertia. She herself gave birth to me at 22, her grandmother gave birth to at the same age. Such a funny family cycle.

I resisted as I could. But my mother threatened with curses, promised in the event of an abortion to cut off all the connections, deprive the apartment that I had just bought “in the dowry”, and in general all support of the family. Now I am ashamed, but I was scared. Where will I go? The Internet was not so common at that time, I had no one to ask advice. For a couple of weeks I doubted, and then I decided that, apparently, the truth should have been giving birth, and lost. The father of the child was only glad. In general, I reconciled, but still felt discomfort.

Pregnancy proceeded very easily, so the thoughts of the future I simply pushed into a distant box. It didn’t even occur to me, Dura, to ask how everything will be when I was eating. Mom said: "We will help, sometimes we will hire a nanny." The husband, who already had a child from his first marriage, told what he was young father, how he changed his son diapers and knows everything. I am generally unusual naivety, but here I naturally hang my ears. When I was the eighth month of pregnancy, the phrase sounded from my mother: "You have to break yourself." Then I only snorted, but after remembered this more than once. Mom knew that I had nowhere to go.

I gave birth to a daughter. Although the child turned out, as they say, the gift - healthy, did not act up, on artificial feeding, the gap between expectations and reality was huge. Mother made endless claims to me: you do not hold it, not so fed, early (or vice versa, late) you walk with the child, you only think about yourself. I couldn’t even take a walk before going to bed. And the husband simply tried to spend less time at home: either he had business, then at work, he needs to linger, then to his parents to go, then something else. I realized that I was cruelly and collectively deceived.

My husband and I lived in a rented apartment. After childbirth, they planned to first live with my parents (the deadlines were not stipulated), and then move to my apartment, in which at that time there was not even furniture. While I was lying in the hospital, my mother equipped the nursery in my former "girlish" room, without demanding all my drawings, diaries and trinkets in many years. I had the feeling that they had rubbed me. "Well, you will draw it!" She dismissed my claims.

Three months later, the mother said that it was time for us to know and go to their apartment. Although we quarreled, there was some help from her, and then I directly saw my future: I am in the apartment alone with a child, my husband tries not to appear at home. I knew myself and realized that very soon I would just go out the window. I was terribly angry with my mother and husband for deception: they disposed of my life without me, changed her forever, although I did not want to and clearly declared this.

I caught the moment when everyone was at home, and my daughter slept, put a passport in my pocket, a little money and ran to my friend. Then she called home and said to her mother: “Do what you want, I won’t be back,” and hung up. I have not seen another way out for myself, I would not have stood. In our country, people began to turn to psychologists not so long ago. Previously, and now sometimes, too, it was believed that this is either pampering, or if you are really sick, then you are dear to the psychiatrist. But I remember my sensations: I seemed to plunge into a gray swamp, I really wanted to drown. I found strength in anger: "I will not die in spite."

For several months I sometimes called home, listened to curses, tried to convey to my parents that I did not want and could not take on motherhood. Parents immediately hired a nanny for their daughter - they themselves worked. At first I lived on my girlfriends, then I found a job, and my husband and I rented an apartment - he realized faster than my parents that I couldn’t break me. Over time, they understood. I stood like a rock, and we began to look for a compromise-the family after all. I periodically came to my parents and studied my child, returned home in the evening. When my daughter was four years old, my husband and I took her to himself. Then the daughter lived with us, then with my parents.

I do not regret that I gave birth to a child, because the child turned out to be cool, and I realized a lot in my life: and how close people can break out of good motives, and how important it is to be able to defend their position. It came in handy in my life, including when I became pregnant again. On the timid husband, “Can we leave it?”, I could already harshly answer “no”: we lived in Odinoshka, raised a seven -year -old daughter, and he paid alimony from his first marriage. After the birth of my daughter, I pregnant three more times. But she went through so many oral contraceptives and used condoms too! I have high fertility, even after an ectopic pregnancy, with a tied pipe, I managed to fly. All this is up to 28 years, then the body, apparently, calmed down. I only regret that I gave birth to a daughter so early: at 30, I was already a completely different person, and, probably, everything would have passed without breakage and tragedy.

Previously, mom, when she had a bad mood, could scream that I had put my daughter on her. Я начинала кричать в ответ, что не надо было меня заставлять рожать. Правда, меня до сих пор мучает мысль, что я — паршивая мать.

Сейчас дочка уже взрослая. Лет в 17 дочь призналась мне, что в детстве ее обижало мое поведение, а сейчас она меня поняла. I love her very much. Ребенок все еще подарочный, умница, отрада. Я ей часто говорю: «Не торопись, дети — это очень серьезно, ты должна осознанно их хотеть. Если не захочешь, то вообще не надо. Материнство — счастье не для всех. Ищи свою дорогу».