Translated material
"I'm a mother!"
The project of Natalia Tikhomirova “Portrait of motherhood” is the stories of women who have experienced completely different maternal experience. Each of the photos is a self -portrait based on personal history and the opportunity to show other women who only plan to become a mother, that this path is multifaceted
Everyone knows what the perfect mother should be. She does not get tired, does not annoy the child, loves to play developing games. Her children are always clean, well -fed, tidy and well -educated. An ideal mother does not dream of leaving for the sea alone, does not exhale with relief, taking the children to the garden, and does not eat a chocolate on his child, so as not to share with the child. It all sounds ridiculous and in fact turns out to be true. No one knows if such women exist in reality, but many of us experience a feeling of shame precisely for the fact that they do not correspond to this image.
With the birth of children, I turned out to be alone with my fears, anxiety, a ready -made list of “I” in my head. No one warned me and did not talk about how difficult the first months with the child would become. And it's not even in sleepless nights and colic.
Motherhood is the time you meet with yourself. And you will find out how much patience, endurance, wisdom, forgiveness, love, in the end. This is the time when you are born and grow up again. The time when you are in dire need of warm support, and not moralizing. The time of global internal transformations.
Ekaterina, 39 years old
Kogalym, Khanty-Mansiysk Autonomous Okrug-Yugra, Tyumen region, O Din child
Ekaterina photo: Natalia Tikhomirova“I was 18, I was in the eighth month of pregnancy, premature birth began. As a result of the drug preservation of pregnancy, I received anaphylactic shock, saved me, not a child, and my daughter’s heart stopped. This is my pain, which I never forgave myself, although I understand the mind that I could hardly rectify the situation. And then - childbirth, parting with her was unbearably difficult, I could not even imagine the birth of my first child. According to examination, there was a “healthy fruit, the death of which occurred as a result of hypoxia.” And then-silence for many years, a difficult psychological wedge, an endless series of losses, eight pregnancies (alas, all doomed due to the strength of my fear that everything will happen again), five eco (different cities, countries). It seems to me that I was so exhausted that it became transparent through and through, the emptiness, sieve, fell apart, broke, did not remain at all, and I don’t know where the strength came from, somehow scrape, rose and went on. And even managed to maintain the appearance of a completely happy woman.
And then I began to realize: after all, I am not a god, it means that it is not the fate of being a mother, then you cannot, then, just learn to live differently ...
They finished with her husband the courses of foster parents, passed a bunch of exams and became candidates for adoptive parents, and fate took pity, and I still can’t fully realize that all this miracle happened to us: our daughter was born! She was born to be born, she is my salvation, the salvation of my broken soul. "
Polina, 28 years old
Khimki, Moscow region, oh Dean child
Polina photo: Natalia Tikhomirova“By the birth of a child, my husband and I went consciously, read a lot, prepared both physically and morally, and it was possible to get pregnant quickly. On this, calm times are over.
I have a chronic disease associated with blood. Despite the ideal results of analyzes during preparation for pregnancy, I still worried how the body would react to a life developing inside me.
The first weeks everything was fine, but at the ninth week they saw hematoma, and since then a constant struggle began between medicine and oneself, between their own anxiety, intuition and common sense. Until the end of pregnancy, I was in constant alarm due to the number of prescribed drugs, ultrasound results, dubious diagnoses and doctors' opinions.
My husband had the most powerful support to me - he helped not to go crazy with this anxiety. By the way, it was he who then proposed to survive these destructive feelings through the photograph, but I did not find a resource in myself.
The birth went relatively easily. Despite the long waterless period, I was able to give birth naturally without anesthesia, with the support of my husband and staff team, whom I completely trusted.
The first days in the hospital were the most difficult for me. I experienced the whole mountain of feelings in relation to my new role. Later I read that this is the name-Baby Blue, which, fortunately, did not overheat the postpartum depression. Again, the help of her husband during this period was invaluable. Just cry, not knowing what, on his shoulder turned out to be a wonderful therapy.
It is difficult to say when exactly this powerful feeling of unconditional maternal love came to me. It is definitely not in the very first days. Then it was rather a pressing sense of great responsibility for a new life that needs you most.
There were many difficulties, tears, anxieties, the struggle for breastfeeding. Everything faded with the first conscious smile of the child. But the fears still remained and accompanied the entire first year of life: “Suddenly it will not turn over on the stomach on time”, “Why does it turn on only one side”, “Why does it get on your socks”, “Why doesn’t want to eat fish” ...
Now I feel harmonious.
I like to watch how I change next to a fast -growing child, how he affects me, what I am capable of for him and for him, how my husband is revealed as a father, what relations we have with my parents.
I want to become stronger and more reliable for my child emotionally. ”
Lisa, 33 years old
Moscow, oh Dean child
Lisa photo: Natalia Tikhomirova“Once I laughed at a friend who gave birth to a child and sat with him alone-her husband at work-and she said with such genuine joy that she went to the store alone on weekends. I still remember her story when I go out anywhere without a child.
The pregnancy was planned, happened quickly. I don’t understand at what point, but something went wrong in a relationship with my husband. All pregnancy I felt loneliness, unnecessary, my husband was scared of the push of the child and was dryly interested in the ultrasound. I thought the baby would appear - and everything will change.
The maternity hospital is still for me some kind and good place where everything went well, I met with my son.
At home, at first, too, everything was fine. Then it became not enough milk. Having read Instagram and all kinds of forums, I lay with the child in an embrace, but nothing came out, he did not eat up, naughty and slept little, I did not sleep with him. Then the first feeling of guilt appeared-due to the fact that there was no milk and that I am not able to give it to my son.
It was hard to realize that you no longer belong to yourself, you cannot go and drink tea at any time. After all, there is a baby who completely depends on you without you. To accept this fact, it took a lot of time.
The husband went headlong into the business, spent little time with us. I dissolved alone with a child. I was terribly annoyed by my husband’s freedom and my restriction. The relationship spoiled.
There was a fear that I would stay like my mother, alone with a child. But in fact, I was already alone. I began to slowly hate my son, believe that he ruined my life, destroyed our attitude with my husband. And from this feeling - to hate yourself. But all these sensations left with every smile. I accepted loneliness and reconciled with him. She began to give love to her son, a little bit out of a depressive state. The salvation turned out to be a camera that was dusting for many years: I began to shoot my son to leave in my memory what he was because time was running.
What am I now? .. There are many doubts about motherhood, but, first of all, I realized that I need to protect myself, and not give all my strength to the child. I used to blame myself that I did not take a walk with him twice a day. Now, if I have no strength, I will not go for a walk with him, but spend time at home. It is important not to lose yourself in motherhood, not to make the meaning of all life from this ...
Now I am alone ... In me, of course, in two years a lot of resentment at my husband has accumulated, I feel disliked. My life is not as happy and joyful as the pictures on Instagram, and most of all I am afraid that I can’t give my son love in full, although I love him very much ... "
Natalia, 42 years old
Lesosibirsk, Krasnoyarsk Territory, t Roy of children
Natalia Photo: Natalia Tikhomirova"I am 42 years old. My last child - the daughter of Nina - I gave birth when I was 41 years old. It was difficult for me to decide on this pregnancy, and it was rather a step of despair. Nina in our family is a fifth child. There is the eldest son of her husband from his first marriage, he is 18 years old, in our joint marriage, my husband and I had a son Gleb, he is 10 now ... And when he was almost three years old, we decided on adoptive children. First, we had a daughter Karine, then I took a teenager - the same age as the son of my husband and my four -cursed nephew Kostya. But our experience of foster parenthood cannot be called successful. Kostya lived with us for almost two years and made a choice in favor of the orphanage - he could not accept the family, our life, our foundations and rules. And three years ago it became clear that the adopted daughter of mental health problems. When we registered with a psychiatrist, I was covered by longing and despair. I idealistically thought that I took a girl into my family, that Gleb would have a sister and in the future he would not be left alone ... But everything went to the fact that a huge abyss and hostility grew between them.
In general, I firmly decided to give birth. My husband and I underwent examination, drank vitamins, built the daily routine, improved food, and I became pregnant quite easily ... But then the difficulties began. When the first trimester was on, my husband died in a car accident, sugar jumped against my stress, and all the next seven months I went to donate blood to work. Soon I lay down on preservation with bleeding, everything worked out, no one understood what was the reason. Then swelling began, problems with veins, visits to a hematologist, to a neurosurgeon with a neurinoma in my head ... And during all this, of course, I heard a lot in the female consultation and other specialists, especially since I refused to make a puncture to genetic problems, and I was constantly charged that I risk giving birth to an unhealthy child. I was supported by my husband, my mother, my confessor and gynecologist in a private clinic who led pregnancy. I felt moral support in our parish, I knew that my sisters always pray for me and the priest mentions in their prayers.
I was not afraid for the health of the child. She was surrounded by beauty as far as possible, managed to travel, visit a sea of concerts, performances, museums, galleries. I embroidered, painted, photographed, shot a pregnancy video day. And in general, comparing the experience of pregnancy at 30 and now, I understand that this time I approached this more consciously, easy.
I gave birth just on the eve of Lockdown. My colleague was a photographer-videoographer with me in “partnerships”. Over the past year, I watched this video many times and every time I sobbed from what I saw on the screen: it is such a miracle - the appearance of your child from you. I gave birth to my daughter easily, quickly and fun in prayer and conversations. We were discharged home a day after everyone was closed. And here is Nina a year, and I have been trying to catch every moment of her development all this year, I record skills and have been engaged with her much more than at the age of 30 I studied with Gleb. I enjoy, understanding how all this is fleeting and what a happy ticket I pulled out, plunging myself into this Renaissance. ”
Elena, 47 years old
Spain, n yatero children
Elena photo: Natalia Tikhomirova“My husband and I have five children for two: my daughter from the first marriage of Ksyusha, three adult sons of her husband - Danila, Stas, Glory - and our joint youngest daughter Asya, who will soon turn 18.
To be a mother for me now is pleasure, happiness and love. But this was not always the case. I jumped out too early, too often I was mistaken in making decisions and prioritization. Maternity was a heavy burden until I learned to unconditionally love my children and endlessly trust them until I got rid of a sense of duty, guilt and until I ceased to be ashamed of my mistakes. I try to be a “Clayster” in our large family, I try to unite everyone. It turns out differently, but it never turns out perfectly. Our children are already adults and independent. And I'm also a grandmother! I have two grandchildren and granddaughter. ”
Lyudmila, 35 years old
Moscow, Due Children
Lyudmila photo: Natalia Tikhomirova“Motherhood for me began unexpectedly at 24. The first feeling was - as if a miracle happened, pride for myself like a woman that I can.
But after the first cesarean, I seemed to fall from the top. I’m not like everyone else, I am the worst of all, I could not give birth, humiliation, pain, disappointment, shame, guilt in front of my child and everything that failed, I could not. The first weeks are inexperience, ineptness, pain in the body for the whole first month, trips to the maternity hospital to clean the uterus. I felt the horror of how the body is torn to be torn that it is not mine, that it is a functioning machine that should be repaired for the sake of the child. The incapacity, helplessness, the inability to hold the baby in his arms for a long time, go out with a heavy stroller in a house without an elevator.
I saw the light for the second month. I did not exhale for long. A year later, a new pregnancy and acquaintance with the book “After the three is too late”. Then, probably, I was carried specifically.
On the one hand, I started to develop my daughter, and on the other hand, the second unplanned pregnancy plunged me into depression. I could not and did not want to take my pregnant body again. At the same time, growing a half -year -old baby and to be pregnant is very difficult physically, I was exhausted to the maternity hospital.
Due to the planned cesarean, I experienced incredible grief that doctors for a child determined the hour and day of his come to life. After the second cesarean - again pain, heaviness, twist.
After a month and a half, there was an operation on the neck, removed a cyst that occurred a month after childbirth. In the hospital, I did not think about myself at all, I was not even afraid. I had one goal - to preserve milk. I expressed myself for two weeks and retained breastfeeding for more than a year. This was my only excuse. I then thought so: if I could not give birth myself, then at least I will feed my milk.
After the hospital, I often hurt with the children with all the viruses in a row - so my immunity was weakened. I was used to lying in anxiety at night, listening to how they breathe, whether everything is fine.
Through the thickness of fears for health due to the harm of drugs, due to the missed opportunities of development, the misunderstanding of nutrition began to reach me, what is the most toxic in my children's life-this is a mother in anxiety and eternal agony.
Four years later, I thought about my space, began to devote time to myself, to look for myself. And here is a new unplanned pregnancy. For nine months I balanced between “everything is fine, I am a positive mother, soon we will become more” and fear of the hospital, another COP, cleaning, many days of pain and incapacity. As a result, I lost this child for the whole period.
I woke up six months later. All these six months I asked myself the question: what do I want now? I felt that I really wanted to make my daughter an album for graduation in the garden. And she made it and some parents. And then she began to study more, shoot and return herself. And this process continues.
I want to be more conscious both in life and in motherhood. My children are quite large, and I am no longer such a huge part of their life. Sometimes I notice it with sadness. I would like to spend more time together and be truly nearby. It is not enough to have common traditions and rituals - it is important to stay in this conscious to the end, to be completely with each other. And this is rare.
The main thing is to melt fear in love. All your fears. To put up and accept your life as it is. Accept yourself with love, your own characteristics and needs. Then it is good with the children, with her husband and himself - too. Then the children delight with health, and successes, and new opportunities, and the manifesting responsibility. Then trust and real proximity are possible. ”
Zarem, 44 years old
Makhachkala, there are no children
Zarem photo: Natalia Tikhomirova“Life turned out so that I am not a mother and a wife. For a long time I just waited, thinking that everyone had its own hour and my time would come. Then there were stages of hatred, questions, tantrums with oneself, a tendency to suicide, and now ... and not to name humility, I just learned to live with the fact that my life is like that.
At the age of 19, I had a marriage “Dagestan”: you saw a person only a couple of times, it all ended in a divorce a few months later, and, I think, this served as the starting point.
After many years, the realization came that a person’s life has been kept on three supports: these are friends, family, work. And I, who saw the imperfect model of the family, simply did not want to and lived with two supports. ”
Anastasia, 41 years old
St. Petersburg, four children
Anastasia photo: Natalia Tikhomirova“Children for me are God's blessing.
And at first I thought in a completely different way, because there was pain, there was failure, but over time I still came to this thought-this is a blessing, this is a gift!
My husband and I got married late and did not hesitate to live for our pleasure or have children. But during the year we did not succeed.
Наш батюшка сказал нам ехать в Дивеево и просить помощи у Серафима Саровского. Он покровитель нашей семьи. Через месяц после поездки мы узнали, что я беременна. Для нас это была большая радость!
Но начались и скорби. Петя родился с пороком мочеточника, и мы пережили четыре операции, ужас разлучения с ребенком, когда он в реанимации, страх, непонимание: почему мы?
Все говорили нам: рожайте второго, вы уже натерпелись, вот теперь-то у вас будет здоровый ребенок! Но люди мало знают о планах Бога.
Когда Пете было два года, у нас родилась Варечка. She has a Down syndrome.
Снова была боль, снова непринятие. И добавилось полное нежелание больше иметь детей. Но у Бога, опять же, свои планы! Несмотря на наше нежелание, мы узнали, что я беременна в третий раз. Для нас это был настоящий шок! Больше этого шока было только известие, что мы ждем двойню! У нас родились замечательные девочки. Они стали моим лекарством. Они стали прекрасным толчком для развития Вареньки.
Откуда я беру силы? Встаю и говорю: “Господи, благослови этот день и дай мне сил!” Вот и весь секрет».
Наталья, 31 год
Армавир, Краснодарский край, двое детей
Наталья Фото: Наталья Тихомирова«У меня два чудесных сына, и мы с мужем мечтаем о третьем ребенке. Но судьба складывается так, что уже дважды на одном и том же сроке я теряю ребенка. Чувство вины и страх заполняют меня, сложно бороться с собственными чувствами…
Мои первые роды были в 25 лет. Головой я понимала, что стала матерью, но не чувствовала этого внутри. Я была набором функций. Крики ребенка доводили меня до истерик. Паника, отчаяние, что я не могу стать той самой идеальной мамой, гонка за совершенством и пустота внутри.
С рождением второго ребенка в мою жизнь пришло творчество, которое наполнило меня и успокоило. С каждым годом желание родить и воспитать ребенка растет во мне все сильнее, но каждая потеря пробивает в моей душе дыру. Вместе с беременностью во мне зародился страх — страх потери ребенка. И этот страх стал больше, чем я сама.
Моя знакомая спросила меня: “Стоит ли вообще продолжать попытки?” И я уверенно говорю: “Да!” Потому что я верю, что любовь, которая живет во мне, непременно “переплавит” все мои страхи».
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