"Feel like a scum"

Vocalist of the Barto group Maria Lyubicheva - about alcohol dependence

At the end of August, Maria Lyubicheva spoke in her social networks about her problems with alcohol. In the heading “From her words” she tells when she first tried vodka, how the situation got out of control and that she decided to start treatment.

I have long understood that I had problems with alcohol - starting to drink, I could not stop. But for a long time I reassured myself by the fact that, despite the amount of drinking, I continued to work a lot, to do business. It seems like you drink every day, but at the same time you perform all tasks from the list of affairs. And you think: "Well, I'm doing everything, everything is fine, I have not missed anything, I didn’t let anyone down." Although, in fact, somewhere you still missed something, somewhere you spent too much time on the task, somewhere you brought someone. But you think: "So it was not so important." You find some reasons, excuses why it happened. Again, you drink - and it soothes you.

In general, many drink in a creative environment, and among my peers, many are “fucked” ( they use drugs that cause an aversion to alcohol. - approx. “Cold” ) or treated for alcoholism. At the same time, musicians and artists have a very common fear: what if the rejection of alcohol affects inspiration, stop creative impulses? When you are in drinking all the time, you walk, watch the world around, and it seems that you see it wider. You have fewer mental barriers. Therefore, before, when I thought to stop drinking, I was worried: what if I could no longer write, compose? Suddenly they will stop visiting cool ideas? But now I understand that creativity does not disappear, even if you stop drinking.

I remember very well how I first tried vodka - it was great. Previously, up to 21 years old, I did not use strong drinks at all. This was due to the history of my family. Both father and grandfather died due to alcohol. Since childhood, I saw strongly drinking people, and I was disgusting. Everyone who grew up with an alcoholic father knows how it happens-when a person replaces all the reality around himself with alcohol and his own children are not very interesting to him. I did not want to become the same person as my father, and rested for a long time.

At the same time, almost all of me consumed certain doping around me. Mostly alcohol or heroin. I grew up in Kolomna near Moscow in the 1990s. Then on the first floors of five -story buildings were iron doors with a window. People simply put money there and received a dose - sitting on the heroine was a completely ordinary thing. It was scary to watch this. Many of my friends died due to drugs.

Those who did not use heroin began to drink. By the end of the institute, almost all my friends drank vodka. They asked me: "Why don't you drink?" I replied: “Yes, she’s tasteless. I don’t understand how you do it. ” And then one day my girlfriend and friend-musician said: "You just do not know how to drink correctly, we will teach you." They took half a liter, set the table with a snack: cucumbers, sausage, herring, potatoes. They put music. We had a great time, I was in euphoria. It seems to me that vodka gives some psychedelic sensations-it becomes so pleasant, and you love everyone so much. I had no Internet yet, and I did not know anything about serotonin and dopamine, about addiction. There was just a feeling that I was cool, and I wanted to repeat.

Over the next couple of years, vodka has become for me a constant attribute of any holiday. I drank with friends-musicians and did not think about the experience of my relatives. It seemed to me that I, unlike them, drink a little and nothing terrible happens. Although now I understand that the problems have begun then. There is such a saying: "Between the first and second interruption." This is just about alcoholism. About the state when you drank a little, and you immediately want to add that the outside world will quickly move away from you. It was just like that.

I think I had emotional problems, from which I tried to isolate myself in this way. When you are a little over 20, you do not understand how to determine yourself, how to behave. You are not an adult emotionally, but suddenly you find yourself in an adult world. Problems are constantly falling on you, which you are not ready for at all, and no one explains to you how to cope with them. And when you meet friends and drink, this is all as if retreating.

Then I began to make music more, tour began. We had Vodka with Barto in a household rider ( a list of conditions and requirements presented by an artist or musician to the organizers of performances. - Approx. “Cold” ) - we went out with a bottle on the stage. I remember how at one of the concerts in Finland we struck local fans when, during the performance, they began to pour vodka into the hall, and fans ran under the stream and drank it. In general, it seemed that everything was more fun with vodka. In addition, it can be very difficult in tours, and many musicians hold on alcohol. You sleep for a couple of hours, you start drinking in the morning. You say to yourself: "I'm so tired, you need to relax." Then you return from the tour and come to your senses for a couple of weeks, restore health and nerves.

Of course, the number of drunk was reflected in the quality of performances. In the process, it seems to you that this is a trash and cargo, and then you watch the video and notice that you do not pull notes and generally look disgusting. But still we play an electric punk, and in our genre it is considered normal.

It also happened that someone was lost, did not sit on a train or plane on time. But this happened only a couple of times. As a rule, in the team there was someone sober, who looked after the others.

I remember that in 2009, at the end of the tour, we were in Irkutsk. I then fell ill, I had a temperature of 39. Local bikers invited us to perform at a concert on the occasion of the closing of the season, our fans came. We got terribly drunk, and after 20 minutes of performances the bikers cut off our performance-they did not like that we had made up the muzyan boys, they decided that we were “fagots”.

Then I watched the recording on the Internet - and I am in a monstrous state there. Around people climb onto the stage, someone in the hall beats the dishes, our musician is broken by the guitar. And at the end of the record, I sing in a drunken voice and then, when the music ends, I just get out on stage, and they carry me away.

Over time, I began to understand that if I did not quit drinking, I would become like a father. In addition, it is impossible to constantly drink and continue to look good - everything begins to affect the face, especially after 30 years. Therefore, I periodically stopped using it for a short time-usually for some time before important events to put myself in order. But then she started again.

I realized more clearly that I had problems with alcohol, but it seemed to me that everything could be solved with the help of willpower, that I had enough motivation to stop drinking myself - because it interferes with work, communicating with loved ones. I gave myself some kind of gags, but they did not work. When I began to tell my friends that I think to “get into” or go for treatment, no one approved this idea. Everyone said: “Are you going to the drug dealer? Why do you need to be treated, from what? ” I got the impression that it was something shameful.

A couple of years ago I ran into depression. Then one superimposed on the other: I survived the second divorce, and then the car knocked me down. At that moment I was sober, I just went home and crossed the road. In the hospital, a psychotherapist talked with me, and he offered to be treated from depression in a hospital, but I refused. It still seemed to me that it was a shame to treat psychological disorders and it is necessary to cope with this. In that year, I was discharged antidepressants, and for some time I stopped drinking, because alcohol should not be consumed with them. But the drug was not very suitable for me, I had all sorts of unpleasant side effects. Actually, this is normal-people often try several different antidepressants to find the one that suits them. But I chose the path that seemed simpler to me: I started drinking and threw pills. It seemed to me that it was better for me that I had everything under control, but I quickly began to drink as much as before.

2021 It started difficult for me. I went to the Moscow Region to care for a sick relative and spent about six months there. I sat there almost in isolation, I could not work normally. This completely unsettled me, and I began to drink non -stop, every day. I have developed such tolerance to alcohol that it could reach a liter of vodka per day. I lost control of the situation. At the same time, I looked at myself and was horrified. It was then that I decided that when I return to St. Petersburg, I would definitely need to seek help.

Many people think that alcoholism is such an eternal holiday, you are constantly drunk and having fun. In fact, it is very difficult for you: in the morning you have a hangover, you constantly suffer from anxiety, feelings of guilt before everyone at once. You feel like a scum and a weak person. The nerves are shaken, you begin to react inadequately to any events and words, socialization suffers from this.

Returning from the suburbs, I scored orders, planned the events. I thought I would earn money, and then I will go to be treated. But recently I realized that this cannot be postponed. I went to Moscow to my mother and lost all things at the station. Of course, before that I drank all night and told myself that I had some good reasons for this. Then at the station I drank again, and then I did not understand anything. It is difficult for me to say what happened: I staggered around the station with things, and then suddenly I was without things. I was in such a state when you cannot control yourself at all, do strange things, as if instead of your personality-some other.

I realized that this is a completely land. I lost all the equipment, everything that I need to work. Previously, this has never happened. This was a turning point. I took money and went to the doctors. I talked with several psychotherapists. Previously, it seemed to me that my problems are associated only with alcohol and you can simply “get rid of”, as many do. But after a couple of sessions, I realized that the problems are much deeper, and I will need psychotherapy. I was again prescribed antidepressants, and in mid -September I go to the clinic for treatment.

For more than a week I have not been drinking, and I have not been pulling. Perhaps because in addition to antidepressants, I was prescribed drugs for the treatment of alcoholism. How much more it will last - I don't know. But over the past year, this is the longest period without alcohol for me - recently I had enough for a maximum of a day.

In the hospital I will spend at least a month, and maybe more. The chemistry of my brain has completely rebuilt over the years. My body takes energy from alcohol, all joy is tied to it. I will have to recover for a long time. But it does not scare me. I am worried only because in the hospital I will be in the same place all the time, from there it will not be possible to go for a walk, think about my own, but for me it is very important. Probably I'll take more books with me.

I do not feel any strong feelings about everything that is happening, my mood is even, and I am glad about this. I don't want shocks now. The main thing is that I realized that I could still engage in creativity, and my performance has only increased. Creativity is like a door that opened once and no longer closes, and alcohol has nothing to do with it.