"Present Simlin Dimpl"

Dana is difficult to speak to the public: read poetry at the board, sing on stage. Once he was taken to the house of the baby. There he seemed to froze in the face of danger and now freezes even in situations where nothing terrible threatens. Soon he will have to take exams, look for a job, start a relationship, but for now, even in the lesson, it is difficult to respond monstrously. And who would have thought that not a psychologist, but an English tutor would help him

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Anna says that she still has a scene in her eyes on a walk in the baby’s house: there is a nanny, and she has five children in one hand who holds on each other, and in the other five. “They go in a row first in one direction, then in the other. For half an hour they walk like this. ”

Danya also went in this little line until he got home, where he was destined to become a different person from a gnome, a small frozen doll. After a couple of weeks, he began to run, not stopping, as it should be two -year -old baby. He ran everywhere, around the apartment and along the street, when he realized what was now possible - and that now he would always be picked up if he falls.

The perfect boy

“I walked one day past the child’s house. It was winter, 1997. I saw walking children - they are wrapped like nesting dolls: they don’t run, do not jump, do not play. A brood of wrapped chickens, ”recalls Anna. -The eldest daughter was about a year and a half, and I knew for sure that I would have more than one child. She came home and said to her husband: “Why give birth if we can make someone happy?” ”

Anna’s husband, Konstantin, replied that he did not care, she gave birth, adopted or brought the child from the street: “I can’t bear them, blood or not blood - it makes no difference to me.”

This is now Anna’s granddaughter, a spacious apartment, a stable job. Then the young spouses from the adopted child discouraged her relatives, and it was scary himself that they would not be pulled financially. They moved from Kuzbass to Novosibirsk, got to their feet, and grow up their daughters. Ten years ago they realized: “We are aging! Either now, or never, ”and finally decided on his adopted son.

Dania with the ball photo: from personal archive

They collected documents, inspired, called the district guardianship-they answered rudely: “They walk a lot of you, take them, return them back and forth.”

Anna and Konstantin were taken aback, but the Kuzbass friends, also adoptive parents, helped out, - they said: "Come here, take here." In one of the Kuzbass houses, the baby answered them: "There is an perfect boy for you."

"My little man is 100%

Danka was two when Anna first saw him.

“My husband immediately said to me:“ This is not a store. What they will give, let's take this. ” I also asked me not to be taken to a group of children to look. We did not choose from the photographs. The employees of the baby’s house are well done, they brought it to me, put it in his arms, and he stopped moving. I rocked out of habit, and fell asleep. In the animal world there are three ways to escape from the threat: to escape, freeze or attack. Here he froze. He was much smaller than an ordinary two -year -old child, completely gnome. ”

Danya got into a family who did not graduate from the school of foster parents, as is accepted now.

“Then there was simply a two -hour interview, the psychologist tested us, a social teacher. That is, there was no school of parenthood as such. But now I understand that no school will prepare you 100%, ”Anna is sure.

What will not prepare for? To the fact that children from the system, even infants, explains Anna.

“They grow in an unemotional environment. And when emotions are disconnected, the child does not develop, ”Anna explains. - Dania was swollen, and not only because he had adenoids and impenating snot. There was still emotional turned off - the lack of facial expressions ... as a doll was. "

Anya was happy that Danya came to life at home, but at the same time understood that the previous experience of parenthood did not help her in any way. “You understand your children who do not talk, you understand perfectly, but this child is not,” Anna explains. - And he cannot say: there is no experience or speech. For nine months, a woman is not in vain for a child - only after such a period the feeling of a child came to me, I began to feel him. ”

This impossibility of understanding the child brought Anna to the hospital, but she speaks about this for an end of this as inconsistent: "she had been lying, powered, and everything went away." And then Danka spoke, with a lag, but still spoke, and it became even easier.

“There was one situation that became the impetus for our relationship. This was the first month when we took it. Once he broke, I spaced. We came from the street, Danya threw clothes in different directions. As a result, I ran away with fright into the bathroom to roar, and he roared in my corridor. Everyone roars, no one else at home. In the end, he came to me, I hugged him. Together, we roared - and that’s all, it became my little man 100%. ”

"Flies into a stupor, opens his mouth and stands"

Now Dana is 12 years old, he has no serious health difficulties (who are so fond of scaring adoptive parents), he is non-conflict, kind, soft, diligent and generally very similar to foster parents. But he has a problem - terrible self -doubt.

Danya photo: from personal archive

Why so? Perhaps the experienced loneliness and the grid of abandonment come around. Someone has more, someone has less, but one way or another it manifests itself in almost everyone who lost their parents: what if I make a mistake, I will do something wrong and will be left alone again? The psyche at such moments orders to freeze.

“I see the tribute of the character traits that bear potential risk. For example, he is led, - says Anna. “He does not know how to build interpersonal relationships, he has no little friends, colossal problems with communication.” She does not know if these problems are related to his experience of nobody, no, or he is like that, but it always scared her.

In the kindergarten, it was impossible to get it onto the stage. He never told rhymes - they looked too much eye at him alone, it was very scary to make a mistake. Then the school began. Anna for a long time picked up a suitable class and teacher to her son so that she did not give offense wounded children and would not be too strict: “For Dani, severe stress is when they put pressure on him. He falls into a stupor in such situations: he simply opens his mouth and stands. ”

The chosen teacher was the wife of the head of the choir, and therefore all her children sang. Swit and Danya.

“Of course, he did not so much sang as his mouth opened. But it doesn’t matter, because he went on stage with everyone. The whole class and teacher supported him, a large team fought with his fear. Moreover, after the second grade, they had a musical in the summer camp. He had a small role, but still gorgeous. He was a hedgehog from Tilimitrimdia, - Anna laughs. - Remember the song about the clouds: “Past the white apple of the moon, past the red apple of sunset ...” So he sang it. ”

In general, Anna realized that Danya was such a boy: at home with her parents and sisters chatting incessantly, but in public he was stewing to the tetanus, especially if he was afraid to make a mistake. And it means everywhere - both at school, and in all classes - he needs to give time to open up, and he also needs a huge support for adults so that Danya feels self -confidence.

Such supporting were his mentors in ballroom dancing, and now Danya famously goes to the parquet and leads to a partner. But an amazing thing: he simultaneously confidently performs at reporting concerts and is embarrassed to tell poetry at the board at school. A coronavirus distance helped to cope with this unexpectedly.

“He, when he goes to the board, forgets everything he learned. And on the distance he did not have to tell a poem before the class, but he had to be in front of the camera, ”Anna explains. - We taught the poems with the analysis: what they are about, how better to help with gestures, what intonation to take. And when the distance ended, a teacher of literature hung him on the Board of Honor, because he, it turns out, reads poetry so well. Now he has not three and deuces, but five. That is, he realized that in this situation he was steep, and his block starred. "

But how many more such blocks will be in front of the Danka? Every school lesson? And the university? And trips to the competition? And dating with new people? And the search for work? All this will be, perhaps, not tomorrow, but it will be, and what if Dan is stuck on any of these blocks? Anna thinks a lot about it and grabs all the possibilities to help him, but emphasizes that Danya requires not pity, but attention.

“It is the recognition of others that spreads his wings,” says Anna. “My son is just like that: he is not very confident in his abilities in public, but he is incredibly revealed in situations one on one.”

"First believe in yourself, then everything will be"

In the spring of 2021, in the Watsap band of the foster parents of their district, the announcement was thrown out that the Katren charity fund wants to support children in their studies and offers them to work out English with a teacher in an online school for children and adolescents, where they practice an individual approach to learning. Anna immediately told Dana about this, and he happily agreed. Still-in the whole class, only one person spoke English freely, and it was not a Dan. But, proceeding to English all spring and summer, he began the new academic year with a solid fourth.

Anna does not know English - in her youth she taught German, but still sees progress: “Dania now performs tasks consciously, and not at random, says and is not afraid to make a mistake. You don’t think, we have a wonderful teacher at school. But the fear of Dani was simply explained by the presence of the public, and success in individual classes helped to cope with him. ”

Danya with family photo: from personal archive

At the meeting, Danya clearly explained to me that the time of Pressent Simple is used when I need to describe the action constantly repeating in the present: “Mom eats, I study, my sister goes to work.” “When Tatyana and I are the name of the teacher. - Approx. TD ) passed Pressent Simple and I wrote“ Present of Simple Dimple ”in the notebook, so we called him that, and so I remembered it,” he laughs. Simple Dimple is a toy that is popular among teenagers, in translation means “simple dimple”, her Danya and twists in her hands, explaining to me the rule that he learned in class with the tutor.

When I taught English ten years after school, my teacher told me: look for rhymes, the most stupid associations or consonance with the words or rules that you memorize, is so easier for the brain. For some reason, this mnemonic reception was not shown at school, but it really works! It also worked with Dani.

“At school, we made notes a sign about the times, from which it was not clear to me, and then we somehow did the exercises, I answered at random. But here I was piercing all summer and all September and continue. We recently wrote the control, and I answered all questions there normally, ”Danya is clearly pleased.

In addition to the knowledge, which, with the support of the Katren Foundation, Danya, of course, received, participated in this project much more: recognition, respect and pride in himself.

“Our teacher Tatyana found a common language with Danya, she pulls him out to talk,” says Anna. - At first they build a phrase in Russian, then in English. He, if he is not sure, is even hard to speak in Russian. It is important for me that he has fear, that he feels a support in himself. And so he and Tatyana sat, learned something and then calmly in the lesson. So it was with verses, with some household affairs, and now with English. First, he needs to believe in his strength, and then everything will be. ”

Five thousand return to the orphanage annually

Since 2003, the Katren charity fund has been assisting children-orphans and children left without parental care. The fund is operating throughout Russia - in more than 30 regions. In 2021, the Fund appeared in the Fund Project "Online online." Together with the partner school, the Fund provides the opportunity for children left without parental care and are in education in replacing families in Novosibirsk, to engage individually in those subjects where knowledge needs to be tightened. In addition to the prospects that gives education, good grades affect the adaptation of the child in the family and society and reduce the chances that he will again get into the orphanage.

The refusal of parents from children who have lived in a foster family for many years is not uncommon in Russia. Over the past five years, the indicator of the return of children to orphanages has almost doubled - it is about about five thousand children annually. In 63% of cases, the initiators of the return are foster parents or guardians and often return adolescents and children in adolescence when problems begin at school.

“When Danil began to learn English in our project, he sometimes simply turned off the camera and refused to engage. Such behavior can be characteristic of many children, but if we are talking about children who once left without parental care, they have this more pronounced, ”explains the psychologist Alexander Danilson, who advises teachers and family in the project. - These are protective mechanisms that help the child survive: when it is difficult for him, when there is tension, he chooses an avoidance tactic. That is, he leaves without solving problems. "

The psychologist explains that the desire of the parent, so that the child is successful in school, often does not coincide with the desires of the child himself. “And the child needs just attention and understanding,” emphasizes Alexander Danilson. “And he achieves this with such his behavior, which can lead to the refusal of the family from the child and secondary orphan, if the family is not helped.”

Danya with mom and dad photo: From personal archive

Teachers employed in the project also need to understand how to build relationships with children: to denote the boundaries, motivate and cope with situations when the child refuses to go to the lesson or tries to manipulate the teacher. Therefore, an important component of the project is the psychological support of foster families and teachers themselves.

“We try to clearly agree with both parents and children, so that the child takes part of the responsibility for his training,” says Danilson. “Otherwise, you can try for a long time, but it will be useless, because the child will not have motivation and desire.”

In such an alliance where teachers, parents and psychologists play in the team of the child, children turn from frozen gnomes who walk with a row in the courtyard of the baby’s house, and then sabotage lessons, in people who believe in themselves and seek to recognize a new one.

Please support the project of the Katren Foundation “Online”, because it gives much more than just English - it prevents such conflicts in the family that can lead to the return of the child to the orphanage.

The material was created with the support of the Fund of Presidential Grants