"There is no right to be very sad"

What is "powerless grief" - and how people cope with it

When a person grieves for a deceased relative, this is considered a normal and even only possible model of behavior. But what about the one who grieves on the deceased boyfriend, with whom he had a relationship 10 years ago, mourns the online friend or beloved dog? People whose grief caused misunderstanding or a negative reaction of others told their stories to the cold.

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“For a long time, a former young man. There is not even a word in Russian for this, right? "

At the funeral of Peter, who died in 2009 at the age of 38, Maya (names were changed at the request of the heroine) did not know how to introduce herself. “Because who am I? No one, ”she explains. Ten years before, when Maya was 23 years old, she began a romantic relationship with Peter. “It was love,” she says. - We met for about six months. And then he stopped calling, just disappeared, dissolved. It was so hard for me that I no longer remember my specific feelings at that moment. After some time, rumors reached me that he would marry. ”

Seven years passed, Maya married and, as she says, almost did not think about Peter for a long time. But once they crossed again. “We remained a plus or minus in the same area, and somehow a common acquaintance told me to call Peter for work. I doubted, but still called: "Hello, this is Maya." I remember there was a pause of 10 seconds, ”she says. - After that, we began to communicate again, periodically called up, saw each other. It became clear that we are drawn to each other, that we have some kind of connection. ” Maya says that they had no sexual relationship: she did not dare to offer, and Peter did not show the initiative, plus both had families.

Their communication lasted about two years, and during this time, according to Maya, she realized that only Peter loved only Peter. “Every time we saw each other, I experienced amazing joy, as if the sun had come out and it became light. But at the same time, it depressed me, because I realized that my life went somewhere wrong. We have love, but I don’t know what to do with it, ”says Maya. She says that she did not have a frank conversation with Peter, but she thinks that her feeling was mutual, since various trifles pointed to it. “Once I went into his office, we talked, and I had to leave, but it was heavy rain. He went to his young colleague and said: “This is a Maya, very important person for me, conduct her, please, and catch her a taxi,” she says.

The last time they contacted, she wrote to him a message about what had the common acquaintances who celebrated the birth of a child. Peter replied that he could not talk. And the next morning, Maya reported that he died of a heart attack.

“I clearly remember that day. I did not know how to behave, what should I do. Half a day was dependent, in the gray haze. I just could not believe it, ”says Maya. -I went around the city in circles, went into some kind of clothing store. 40 minutes wandered completely in her experiences, the saleswoman began to squint at me. I bought a gray sweater, textured, with an asymmetric collar. Before that, I had not a single gray thing in the wardrobe. I then wore it for a very long time, and still it lies with me. Always, when I saw this sweater, I thought that it symbolizes Petit's death. It was, as it were, a “cache” for my experiences. ”

Maya said to her husband that a man whom she once loved was dead-she understood that he could notice the changes in her state. My relatives also knew that her former young man died, but she did not tell them what he meant to her. “It would show that I am not with my husband, that I am worried about the deceased, but my beloved man. Now I would go to a psychologist, but then I was not familiar with psychology, so everything happened inside me, ”she explains.

The only person with whom Maya could share his grief was a friend of youth who knew her and Peter when they were together. “It helped me to talk with this friend, because he perceived me as a woman with whom Peter was happy: he said that if we had not dispersed then, then everything would be different,” says Maya. “And with others I felt that I had a certain secret.”

What Maya has encountered is called powerless grief in psychology - this is a grief that cannot be expressed openly, is not accepted and not recognized by society, says the clinical psychologist Alexander Menshikov. “A burning person is experiencing painful emotions, but due to various internal or external circumstances and public attitudes, he is forced to suppress the experience of grief and therefore cannot normally pass the stages of grief-this process begins to be blocked,” Menshikova explains.

Not all psychologists, however, agree that powerless grief needs to be distinguished as a separate concept. As the clinical psychologist Roman Matafonov explains, this seems unnecessary to many practicing psychologists. “Woe is grief, and if it is depreciated by society, then this is still grief, and the work of a psychologist will be one way or another aimed at taking it and validation,” says Matafonov.

Maya began to communicate with Peter's family: he had elderly parents, his wife and a ten -year -old daughter. She took the girl to the exhibitions, because during her life, Peter wanted to instill an artistic taste, visited his parents, and helped if necessary. “It was mental communication, and it also supported me,” says Maya. - I considered his parents to be my loved ones, because this person is my fate, which has not been embodied. Not a husband, not a former husband, a long -former young man. For this, there is even no word in Russian, right? ” Parents and wife of Peter, according to Maya, perceived her actions as the same help that other friends of the deceased provided.

This went on five years. Maya understood that even the ghostly possibility of a joint future with Peter disappeared with his death. But emotionally, she held on to the memories of the joy that she experienced when they talked.

The incident prompted Maya to divorce her husband. “Then I was about the same as Peter, when he died - 38. I realized that it was actually unhappy in marriage and would have a divorce correctly,” she says. A year and a half after the divorce, Maya met her future second husband, and new love replaced feelings for Peter. However, she retained a gray sweater with an asymmetric collar - this is her favorite thing “dedicated” to Peter. “It’s not that I have forgotten Peter now, he occupies an important place in my story,” Maya explains. “But this part of my story ended and does not torment me anymore.” Previously, I did not in many ways separate my fate from him, but now I feel that I have my own life, ”she says.

"They told me that it makes no sense to worry, because we were friends on the Internet"

On the eve of the new 2019, Stepan set on the table and was going to go to the store for groceries with his young man. While they dressed, he went on VKontakte and saw a message from his friend Dmitry: “Hello. Dima died, he committed suicide on October 11, 2018. ” Stepan says that he crawled to the ottoman in the corridor and in his head was only one thought: “What is this for ***** [nonsense]? Why joke like that? ”

Stepan met Dmitry in the LGBT community on VKontakte in 2012, when he was 15 and Dmitry 14. They exchanged a couple of comments at one of the posts, went into private messages and since then began to communicate. “I realized my homosexuality, Dima too,” says Stepan. - It united us. We quickly found a common language. It turned out that we have a lot in common: interests, tastes, plans for the future, views on life. ” Friends shared problems in school and family and supported each other. Dmitry was the only person whom Stepan at that age spoke about his orientation. Although it was only in online and Stepan had friends from offline, according to him, only with Dmitry he felt that he could be “absolutely real”. But he did not tell anyone about Dmitry, because his acquaintances did not have friends in correspondence and he thought that they could not understand such a relationship.

Young people lived at different parts of Moscow and met only two times. For the first time, they accidentally saw each other in a shopping center. “I was with my young man, he was with his friend, we just nodded to each other because it was embarrassed,” he recalls. Then, in February 2017, Stepan organized a meeting. “I had a good mood, and my friends were busy, and I wrote to him-after all, we have been friends for five years. We went to the bar and sat there until the morning, drank shots and chatted about everything in the world, ”he says.

Stepan says that Dmitry at that time studied at a college in which he did not like, and at the same time worked as part. He had deteriorated relations with his mother, and there was nothing to move away from her. Dmitry later told Stepan that he had insomnia and he began to drink, could drink five days in a row.

Gradually, Stepan and Dmitry began to move away from each other: Stepan had a job and new friends, and Dmitry went into creativity - he wrote fan fictions and developed his own game. “I worked as a journalist, and Dima sent me excerpts of his stories, consulted with me. But each of us was immersed in our world, and we began to write off every couple of months, ”recalls Stepan.

In early 2018, Stepan began to worry about his friend. “He wrote that nothing in his life is changing, he was tired of everything -“ I would like to suicide on Sunday))))), ”he says. “I asked what happened, he replied that he was joking unsuccessfully.” Dmitry said that he again had problems with alcohol and sleep and that he began to use drugs “for tone”.

“Then we disappeared from each other’s life in general, because I started the third course, work, there was not enough time for anything, he didn’t write to me either,” says Stepan. - Of course, I felt sorry that communication came to naught, that the dear person leaves my life. I thought everything: I have to write, I need to write, but I wrote at the end of December. ” Then Stepan noticed that Dmitry did not go to his page on October 18, which was uncharacteristic for him.

Stepan periodically checked the messenger, but saw that his message remained unread. “And on December 31, I see that he is online, I think: Oh, well, finally,” he says. But not Dmitry got in touch, but his mother, who said that two months ago Dmitry lay on the rails and cut off his head. “This picture stood in my head for a long time: night, a railway, a mutilated body,” recalls Stepan.

For several months, according to him, he was in a state of shock. He re -read the correspondence with Dmitry, blamed himself for what he rarely wrote, and thought that he could prevent what had happened. He told his partner and close friends about the death of a friend, but they did not take his grief seriously. “They told me that it makes no sense to worry, because we were friends on the Internet,” Stepan describes their reaction.

Since Dmitry died, two and a half years have passed. Once every couple of months, Stepan enters his pages in social networks. “I’m leafing through, pour salt on the wounds, but the pain of loss has become less,” he explains. The idea that Dmitry is alive in his memories helps him to cope with sorrow. “I understand that this is a stereotype, but it really works for me. I sincerely believe that while Dima is a place in my heart, he will live, ”says Stepan.

"I immediately saw two black buttons of the eyes and black nose"

Vera had the Yorkshire Terrier nicknamed Lola. The dog was brought up for his son to teach him to “love for a little creature”, but the mistress, according to Vera, Lola chose her.

Vera works as a lawyer and often deal with people who have experienced torture. “One of my principals called me to speak out. These were long painful conversations, after which I cried with powerlessness and horror, ”she says. “When I laid the phone and roared on the floor, Lola came running from the other end of the apartment, jumping into my arms and licking my tears.”

In the spring of 2021, the dog, which was 13 years old, fell ill. “It was not clear whether because of her age she had a stroke, or something else. I lay next to her, stroked, talked to her, ”Vera recalls. On the morning of May 2, the dog had blood from the nose, Vera took her to the veterinary clinic, where Lola was put in intensive care, meanwhile, Vera went to take the dog’s tests to the laboratory for a taxi. “Tears poured into three streams,” she says. - The taxi driver asked what happened, I said that I seem to have a dog. He shrugged: "Well, this is a dog." From his words it became very painful for me. Nothing hurts as indifference. ”

When Vera returned to the veterinary clinic, Lola was unconscious. “I was talking to her,” says Vera. -At some point, she opened her eyes, raised her head a little, I think: Lord, what a blessing, she came to her senses, saw that I was nearby. Then her convulsions began, the doctors immediately ran in, brought me to the corridor. ” A little later, Vera was informed that Lola had died.

Vera recalls that her eyes were so swollen from her tears that she was painful to blink. It seemed to her that there was a mistake, that they would call her from the clinic now and say that Lola was alive. “My mother’s first words were:“ Wow, the creature is two kilograms, almost invisible, but the impression is that the house is empty, ”says Vera.

All this time, says Vera, she felt the inappropriateness of her experiences. At work, Vera is faced with things such as imprisonment, violence, torture, murder, and it seemed to her that against this background the dog mourning “less significant”.

The clinical psychologist Roman Matafonov explains that the grief of the dead pets has not yet become the norm - this norm is only in the formation stage. Accordingly, often those who did not have pets at a conscious age and who simply did not encounter such a loss, consider the experiences about the death of the pet “stupid”. This may be due to the fact that in the past the attitude to pets was more utilitarian - they were needed to fulfill a certain function in the farm.

But now, society in this regard is becoming more humane, the psychologist Olga Malinin notes: “There has been a criminal liability for cruelty to animals, public campaigns in defense of animals are raised. And although in the villages the attitude towards them is more utilitarian, there are still fed homeless cats there. ” In the urban environment, pets are increasingly becoming family members, says Roman Matafonov. In his opinion, this is affected, on the one hand, that couples began to start children later and animals take the functions of the first child, and on the other hand, that in large cities the level of stress and loneliness is growing.

Vera wrote a post on Facebook, in which she spoke about the death of Lola, and it turned out that many sincerely sympathized with her. “I could not always find words to answer comments,” says Vera, “because I immediately saw two black buttons of my eyes and black nose, so I just put my heart.”

A few weeks after the death of the dog, Vera handed over the box with her ashes and a disk with video recording of cremation. “I drawn up documents in a semi -conscious state, so I didn’t even ask what kind of disk it is,” she says. - In the evening I remembered, decided to put and saw a stove, fire and little body. I forgot how to breathe. The son immediately pulled out the disk and broke it into small pieces. ”

Five months have passed since the death of the dog. Vera put a photograph of Lola on the desktop and thinks about her every day. The most common reaction that Vera is faced with is when they say: “Stop it, if you want to, buy the same dog.” She subscribed to the newsletter from the shelter for small dogs, but she does not dare to be on the new pet: “I understand that I can’t replace Lolik. Is it possible to forget or change such a creation for someone else, just replace, like a toy? ”

"I recently buried a real friend, and nothing, I do not go here with a sour face"

Anastasia made friends with a girl named Kate unexpectedly-as it turned out, her young man had an online roman with Kate. “He generally had a relationship on the side, online and offline. When I tried to discuss this with him, it turned out that I myself was to blame and should ask for forgiveness. Now he would be called an abuser, but then, unfortunately, we still did not know such a word, ”Anastasia says about his relationship. - He constantly wrote Kate, they had love in correspondence, and I was not very out of place there. Once I climbed on her VKontakte page and accidentally clicked “add”, so we began to be friends. ” The girl lived in Kyiv, her name was Katya, but she preferred to be called Kate. They met in 2010, when they were both 19 years old.

As Anastasia recalls, Kate was very beautiful, photographed, played on the guitar. She was also understanding. As a result, the girls unexpectedly made friends. “Kate seemed to me much closer to the people who surrounded me in offline. She could tell her everything, and she never condemned. We began to be friends, leaving this guy in a boob, ”says Anastasia. Она продолжала встречаться со своим молодым человеком, а его отношения с Кейт постепенно сошли на нет: «Он оказался лишним в нашем уравнении».

Они каждый день переписывались в соцсетях, иногда созванивались по видеосвязи, но лично встретиться так и не успели: у Кейт была непроходимость двенадцатиперстной кишки, она принимала лекарства, но ее состояние постепенно ухудшалось. Когда в 2013 году ей стало совсем плохо и она лежала дома с зондом, по словам Анастасии, они были на связи с утра до вечера. Вместе с другими друзьями Кейт Анастасия создала группу поддержки, чтобы собирать деньги на лечение подруги. «Но буквально за неделю до смерти Кейт строго сказала, чтобы мы прикрыли это дело и отправили деньги ее маме, когда ее не станет. Она четко понимала, что умирает», — рассказывает Анастасия.

В начале января 2014 года один из киевских друзей Кейт написал в общий чат: «Я не знаю, как вам это сказать». Все сразу поняли, что Кейт умерла. «Я сидела перед компом, в комнате мигала гирлянда, — рассказывает Анастасия. — Наверное, я плакала, но я совершенно этого не помню, помню только эту чертову гирлянду».

Все это время она продолжала встречаться с тем же молодым человеком. По словам Анастасии, он совсем не сочувствовал умирающей подруге, и через четыре месяца после смерти Кейт Анастасия рассталась с ним. «Он говорил, что ему, конечно, намного хуже, чем мне, — говорит она. — И я поняла, какой монстр находится рядом со мной. У него вообще нет чувств, эмоций, ничего. Он даже уже начал кого-то еще клеить».

Мама Анастасии ее тоже не поддержала, вместо этого она сказала: «И что? Я настоящего друга недавно похоронила, и ничего, не хожу тут с кислым лицом». И даже друзья Кейт, с которыми Анастасия организовала денежный сбор, по ее словам, считали, что у нее «нет права сильно грустить», потому что она не была знакома с Кейт лично. «Многие дружили с ней с детства, — говорит она, — а я девочка, которая непонятно откуда взялась и претендует на какие-то страдания».

Многие друзья Анастасии, как ей казалось, думали, что она «рехнулась», потому что дружить с человеком, которого не видел, «по-настоящему» невозможно. Один знакомый сказал, что она встает в «страдальческую позу» и ей «нравится чувствовать себя особенной», рассказывая о смерти онлайн-подруги.

Единственным человеком, который поддержал Анастасию, была ее близкая подруга, которая не была знакома с Кейт. «Мою боль она восприняла, как свою, — говорит она. — Мы до сих пор вспоминаем о Кейт, и подруга плачет вместе со мной».

Первые несколько месяцев после смерти Кейт Анастасия отрицала произошедшее: продолжала писать подруге во «ВКонтакте» и говорила о ней в настоящем времени. Затем долго была, как она говорит, в состоянии «абсолютной ярости» и искала виноватых в смерти подруги. Потом несколько месяцев много плакала, причем расстроить ее могло что угодно, а не только упоминание Кейт.

Анастасия говорит, что со временем научилась «существовать» с этими переживаниями, но даже спустя семь лет продолжает скорбеть по Кейт: «Не было ни дня, когда я о ней не вспоминала. Что-то фотографирую и машинально думаю: "Сейчас скину Кейт". А потом вспоминаю: нет, не скину».

Анастасия обращалась к психологу, чтобы решить проблемы в отношениях с мужчинами, но о смерти подруги не рассказывала. «Мне будто хотелось сохранить ее внутри себя. Мне кажется, если я начну рассказывать о ней и как-то это отпускать, я ее предам, потому что это часть моей жизни, связанная только со мной и с ней», — объясняет она.

В 2014 году, когда Кейт умерла, Анастасия не поехала на похороны — как она говорит, «не нашла в себе сил», и до сих пор не была на кладбище: «У меня ощущение, что, как только я увижу ее могилу, ее смерть станет чересчур реальной, а я к этому не готова. У меня есть прекрасные подруги, я их люблю, но Кейт никто не заменил, это ее место до сих пор. Боль становится частью тебя, ты учишься с ней жить, но ее ни в коем случае не становится меньше».