New Year's appeal of Putin? Or maybe a stand is better?

Readers of Medusa just wrote a couple of jokes to him. Read only for the chimes!

Soon Vladimir Putin will turn (or already turned, depending on what you have for the time zone) to the Russians with the next New Year's congratulation. The audience has long memorized a set of standard phrases: the year was difficult, but we coped, then it would be better ... Therefore, we invited our readers to write the New Year's appeal of the president ourselves, making it more fun. Rather, turning into a stand -up. And then the relations of the Russian authorities with the standers clearly did not somehow set . You sent us almost 500 jokes (which is interesting, not a single one about the real president-comic, that is, Vladimir Zelensky). We selected the best. In general, ladies and gentlemen. On the stage - Vladimir Putin! Politician, leader, comedian.

Hello! In theory, I should introduce myself at the beginning of the performance, but it seems that you already know me. Although he did not perform on any “open microphone”. Well, what can I say - talent. A finished plan for the future. But in general, I usually talk about the past.

The outgoing year was such ... Well, why are you sighing? Heavy, yes! And what, light, or what? But the coronavirus won. Or have you forgotten ? The third time already, it seems, we are winning. True, they could not win inflation. Because of her, I will not repair the cottage in any way. Well, nothing, gave Rotenberg , let him finish the repair. He is a good man. In general, I love my friends, but sometimes they, of course, are soaking this ...

Have you ever had something that you fit for a friend, pushed him to the position, and he was found sleeping at work? Hmm, Dim, well, you give. Probably, if I had young daughters, they would say that this is a kapets cringe situation.

About daughters, by the way, let them prove better than “foreign agents” there. And then all the "alleged". You know, you can assume anything at all. As the saying goes, if my grandmother had the genitals of grandfather, she would sit in prison for the propaganda of non -traditional values. Joke. Ha ha.

With his wife, here is a divorce, yes. I went on a date yesterday, in half an hour I learned that everything that I have been doing for the past 20 years is not good. Why do I need such a truth? Well, tell me that I look good. Or that the clock is cool. Of course, there will be no second date. At the restaurant, Sapponom at the same time.

By the way, I somehow had lunch in a Japanese restaurant-and demanded that I serve more sushi. They didn’t give it ... You know, we will not agree with Japan for a long time with Japan! Well, serve sushi ... in the sense of the earth ... like, Kurils. Okay, a difficult joke.

Listen, and pat the those who happened that you are sitting at the New Year's table, five minutes before midnight, you look at the telly, and on the screen are you yourself against the background of the Kremlin? What, no one? Right. So, some competent people are not in vain eat their bread. And it happened to me.

I like this stand in general stand -up: you say “pat” - everyone is clapping. Almost like at a press conference I have. Well, there are still many respected state media usually. Let's pat them too. After all, they love pops so much.

But what infuriates me is NATO. Let's go award, or something - no applause for them! Do you know this nasty feeling when NATO is constantly expanding east? In the morning you wake up - the first thing you are watching your daddy. And NATO is already two countries closer. Enrages! How so? For what? They promised! I seem to be a specialist in extensions: my authority, there ... state borders ... But NATO is surprising every time!

I see you directly for you, wait for jokes about "I'm tired, I'm leaving." Well, what am I, transverse, or something - jokes to beat the honored classics? I am not leaving, but I'm leaving. I’ll only have a taxi now. In general, they still know that taxi drivers understand politics best. And a taxi is so, for the soul. Look at me. I am the taxi driver who could . I just have no soul.

Thank you, you are a great audience, so far, Happy New Year!