"Daddy, everything is fine, just do not cry"

From the age of 11, Maria raped his father. At 23, she put him in jail. Here is her story

24-year-old Maria from Nizhny Novgorod talks about sexual violence by her father and how she achieved his conviction in a 16-year-old regime. All names in this story, including the name of the heroine, are changed at her request.

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Dad hurts, I need to help him

I do not remember about 80% of my life. This is probably the protective mechanism of my brain so as not to go crazy. My memories: graduation in the kindergarten, first grade, several more pictures from the fourth grade, a couple from the fifth.

The first picture with my father is six to seven years old, we have a undressing game. He will ask you to take a candy from his mouth. The next picture - he takes off my clothes, I take off him, he stands naked on the waist, and I am in her panties. The picture collapses on this, there is nothing further.

I never had the feeling that my mother loves me. For her, I was a huge spot of expectations and unfulfilled hopes, she called me dumb, worthless and unable to anything. There was dislike between us, cold and pity. Mom often screamed at me, dumped a bunch of shit, and my reaction was to shake and not answer. Our short conversations always ended either with tears or scandals. At such moments, my father acted as my defender, stopped his mother. He was an authority for me.

In fact, I remember a lot of good things about him. My father instilled in me freedom of thought and choice, the habit of doing what I like, and look for my life. My favorite pastime in the evenings was walking in the center of Nizhny Novgorod, when my father and I ate at McDonald's and drank coffee. At such moments, I felt that I had a father. I don’t need to give him anything - we are just normal father and daughter. When he took my hand in his hand, he said that he loved not as a daughter, I felt that he had to reciprocate, in order to get a joint time with his father, like everyone else.

From the sentence to Father Maria, when the victim was 11 years old, in 2009, the first sexual intercourse occurred between her and the defendant - they lay on the couch, the defendant asked him to hug him, she fell on him from above. He began to stroke her on the back, then took off her pants, introduced his penis to her anus and masturbated with her hand.

My father tried to talk to me, to find out how I was about what happened. No. I did not understand what it was. He began to sob sobbing, asked if I considered him a rapist. I replied: "Daddy, of course, is not, everything is fine, just do not cry." He said that he would never hurt me, told the story of his life in which there was sexual violence in childhood. We both cried, I regretted him. He said: "Sometimes I will need to spend time with you." I remembered these words well.

At 11, you are unlikely to ask the right questions about such things. I thought that dad was painful and I needed to help him this way. After each time, I experienced such a strong feeling of shame that everything was already compressed inside me and I wanted to go to the toilet and problem. And dad walked and smiled, he was fine, everything was fine with him. And I told myself that I feel good because my father is good. You walk about 15-20 minutes, come to your senses, and everything is as usual.

I learned to disconnect: something happens physically with the body, and in my head is emptiness. I seemed to close myself in a cell and waited for it to end. Sex was about once every two weeks. I was afraid to enter into confrontation with my father. Each time I said that I didn’t like something, there were tears, snot, moans, that he was painful, that he does not want to feel like a rapist, that he could not fight himself. Now I understand that these were manipulations, but then I thought that I just could not refuse him. I imagined that my father would tell my mother that the family would collapse and I would be left alone.

In my head was a picture of an ideal family: mom, dad and daughter. I tried to follow this image. Others should not have known what was happening.

Mom cannot be told

My parents had a joint computer business: father director, mother - co -founder. She was often not at home. She worked, went to the store, left her father to sit with me, or he just came home for lunch or early. Now I understand that he used any opportunity to spend time with me alone.

If I went to the summer camp, he came every week, touched me, said he was bored. He tried to control my life so that I could not meet with other people and enter into relations with the guys. He watched when I was on the network, if for a long time, then I met someone, we must call: “Who are you sitting with? What are you doing? Are you with a boy? You are a deceiver, a liar. " Every time he called, I shuddered, tried to calm my voice, come up with a convincing excuse and run away from home. He behaved as if he were my man, and I am his woman, not a daughter.

From the sentence to Father Maria in the summer of 2013, when the victim was 15 years old, the defendant arrived behind her and, on the way home, began to scream at her, swear that she was lying to him, threatened to break the car and constantly accelerated and sharply slowed down. The victim was very scared. He told her that he needed sex, and after a few days, being in the apartment, he introduced the penis in her vagina. The defendant threatened to kill himself if the victim did not have sex with him.

Dad earned quite well and fulfilled any of my desires: clothes, trips, everything you want. But I understood that for this I must pay a certain price. “I give you, it should be in the opposite direction, we love each other,” I heard this constantly.

I think my mother noticed something, but did not want to admit to herself. I think she also had a picture of an ideal family in which she wanted to believe. But in reality, I very often locked myself in the bathroom and cried, trying to release emotions and cope with what I can not cope with. Why do I have such a family as everyone?

I talked with a literature teacher, read books and played video games. I liked to introduce my father into my circle of friends, it seemed cool that my dad communicates with us on the same wavelength, that it could be fun with him and you can talk with him - look how good my family is, I have everything okay. It was only then that I found out that my friends had questions to such close relations of my father and daughter, but they were embarrassed to ask and searched for excuses for such behavior.

Only my best friend Katya, with whom I was sitting at the same desk, decided to ask. In the seventh or eighth grade, I told her about my father - crumpled and carefully. We sat in an embrace and cried.

“I don’t know what to do, I'm scared, my dad is a good person, it just happened.”

- Why don't you tell mom?

- Mom cannot be told.

Father often pressed on this: “Do you imagine what will happen to her? Mom will hurt and bad, she will hang himself. You understand?".

A failed suicide

It was difficult to hide it all. When I felt that I had a hysteria now, I caused myself physical discomfort. I have not cut myself, but until now, when I am nervous, I tear off pieces of skin from my fingers and her nails greatly gnaw. I also scratched, beat myself, put bruises - to recover and control emotions. I felt that I was in West, and began to think about suicide. I had two attempts.

Somewhere in 2013, I bought a sleeping pill in a pharmacy, which is sold without a recipe. At first I wanted to write a farewell letter to someone. But in the evening, when I drank a whole bubble of pills, I only thought that it would end soon - tomorrow I won’t wake up, it wouldn’t happen again with me, I would be free.

But what was my disappointment when I woke up at three in the night and realized that I had a narcotic parish. I was pins and pressed to the floor, I was physically bad. I swallowed activated coal, problemed and fell asleep.

In the ninth grade, I secretly began to meet with my classmate Sasha. The first strong love, the first sex in love, strong passion, a feeling of warmth and safety. But I was afraid to tell him about his father. I tried once, mumbled something and hesitated. But how to say to a person who you love, what you sleep with your father?

In the winter of 2014-2015, when I was 16 years old, I described everything that happened to me since the age of 11, in a notebook. In my story, I turned to a literature teacher - it seemed to me that she was a strong man who clearly distinguishes the bad and good, I simply did not have the courage to tell her in the face. I asked Sasha to transfer the notebook to the teacher and warned that I would not be at school for several days.

A couple of days before, my friend climbed onto the roof of our house. I thought it was my chance: just jumping, there is nothing complicated, you turn off and walk, and then business is at physics. I climbed to the ninth floor and climbed through the attic catacombs in absolute darkness with a flashlight. But the iron door to the roof was sealed. Here I am a failed suicide!

I went down. I was sausage because my body was preparing to die. Sasha called me: “I read everything. Is this all true? ” I hesitated. Sasha suggested talking to my father, hint that to sleep with his daughter, to put it mildly, abnormally, and send him to a psychiatrist. We tried to come up with some kind of strategy, as far as this can be called. We were 16 years old, and we wanted to solve everything peacefully. I tried to talk with my father that he needed help, but in response I received "am I abnormal?" He considered himself a normal person.

I met with Sasha until the end of the first year, then our paths parted greatly. But he had a record of that call, and he even retained a notebook: he hid her in a secret box in his table so that his mother would not find, and kept all these years. Later, she became proof in the criminal case against my father.

I will kill you

By the fall of 2018, our interaction with the father came to "I give you sex, and you are behind me." There were no longer any bright moments, I felt that they were only using me. And the time that he calmed down was reduced and decreased. He seemed to be not only that I gave him. The last few months before his arrest, a full trash began.

From the sentence to Father Maria how exactly it turned out that the defendant began to have sex with his daughter, he does not know, and when he had sex with his daughter for the first time in natural form, he does not remember because he was a lot - at least once a week.

Father's manipulations were getting worse. It got to the point that in 2018 he drank arsenic and forced me to watch how bad he was, because it was me "brought him." Then it turned out that he installed a hidden camera in the bedroom, shot us and threatened us to put a video on the network, show my best friends. I saw screenshots, there really was a shooting.

In December 2018, I began dating a guy from the coffee shop in which she worked, his name was Denis. He looked at me with his eyes wide open, did not force me to anything, did not manipulate, did not shout, he needed only my reciprocity. I first faced the fact that they might treat me like this, and not as a father who needed my whole world from me. Relations with Denis were like healthy: we had love, mutual understanding and trust, we had fun together, there was a lot of support. He turned out to be a right person at the right time.

Previously, I managed to hide a relationship, but this time my father learned about everything and put forward an ultimatum: “I have two options for you: either I ruin your whole life, you will become the most loud history of this city and everyone will know you like a whore, or Denis will watch these beautiful videos and make you choose what to do.”

It was around March 2019, I had to tell Denis the truth, after which he asked to finalize the shift and went to talk with my father. He was not three and a half hours, and I thought: this is the end, now he would return and say that our relationship has ended on this, and I will remain with my father again. Denis returned in tears, but said that everything would be fine. “I don't care, I already know everything [about violence on the part of my father], I do not need confirmation,” he said.

We continued to meet. About a month later, I was driving with my father by car, and he said: "Either you and I will break, or I will just kill Denis." I persuaded my father to go home and offered to slant out of the window. We stood near the window and talked, it was clear that he himself did not want to die and was afraid. We sat on the mattress, and he sharply lost consciousness. When he woke up and rolled over, he could not get up. He looked at me with a skewed face, stretched his hand to my throat and pronounced inarticulate sounds.

I felt wildly scared, I grabbed the phone, ran away to the stop and sat in the first minibus to the center - all in tears. I called my friend, and when I turned my head towards the window, I saw my father’s car at the intersection. Apparently, he woke up and chased after me. At that moment, I realized that I have nowhere to hide in this city, he would find me everywhere.

Denis did not answer my calls, but after some time he called himself, only in the tube was the voice of his father: "Come here." My hysteria began.

Later it turned out that his father came to the coffee shop and asked Denis's phone, supposedly his father’s phone was discharged. It was a change of Denis, and he did not want his father to arrange a scene there. The father himself then said that he did not remember anything - neither threats nor calls to me.

It was a key moment when I realized that I had to write a statement - I realized how insane it is. I even told him that if he continues to threaten me, I will write a statement to him, to which he said: “You? On me? Per person who collaborates with organs? I will turn your head to your loved ones, I will kill you. ” The father then said that he worked with the police and the FSB as a technical specialist, helped to catch criminals.

I understood that he was a great danger to me that I need to protect myself, Denis and my friends and provide evidence that he was mocking me. So I began to record our conversations on the recorder. For example, threats that his friends will tear off the head of my best friend and Denis.

From the sentence to Father Maria on May 20, 2019, the father took the victim to the apartment, where they arrived at about 15 hours 40 minutes. The victim admitted that her father would force her to have sex, and asked if this was necessarily. Father replied that he needed it. In the apartment, she tried to quietly turn on the recorder on her mobile phone. Father undressed and said that she also needed to do this, which she refused, after which he began to behave aggressively, scare her. At the request of his father, against the will, the victim was completely undressed, because at that moment she was afraid of him. Father forced her to have oral sex, and she was against this, which she told him. Father began to threaten her close reprisals if they do not have sex.

When the father walked away, the victim turned on the camera on a mobile phone. At about 16 hours 30 minutes, the father lay on his side on the inflatable mattress, located in the hall, and called her to her, which she refused, but he continued to threaten her and her relatives. The victim asked her father: “If I do this, everything will be fine?”, To which he answered in the affirmative, and they had oral sex. Then her father raped her, holding her head, and the victim lay without movements. Her tears flowed periodically, but she tried to hide them. Then the father introduced the penis into her vagina, and then into her anus, with this, she was hurt, she cried.

I submitted an application to the Investigative Committee on June 3, 2019. Six men were sitting in front of me, and the head of the UK asked me: “Why didn’t you turn before? Didn't you want this yourself? ”

Well, are you happy now?

The father was detained on the same day, so my mother found out about everything. Her first reaction was - "Why did you go for a walk with him?" Then she was angry, then hugged me and said that everything would be fine, that now I am safe. I thought my mother was on my side. We talked with her for a long time, she had a lot of questions. She all said that if I told her before, everything would be different. But I explained to her: “Mom, it will not be different. This has already happened. I can't do anything about it. ”

Then the persuasion began:

- Maybe you will capture the application? Maybe we ourselves will solve everything?

- No. I am not afraid for myself, but for Denis and my friends.

“You know that he will not harm anyone anyway, he is not capable of this.”

- I do not want to check what he is capable of.

Mom corresponded with her father when he was in a pre -trial detention center. He wrote that he loved her, asked what testimony needed to be released, convinced his mother that I used it and manipulated them. He did not deny sexual intercourse, but he wrote that I bowed it to her. His lawyer persuaded me to abandon part of the testimony - according to episodes from childhood, because it is almost impossible to prove them - in order to reduce the deadline. I said that I would think about it, and she told the investigator about this conversation.

During the investigation, while my father was sitting in a pre -trial detention center, I did not have a realization that my rapist was imprisoned, because the rapist lived inside me as if nothing had happened. I met more and more people who told me that this violence is planted and killing, but these words did not cause me any emotions. А каждый раз, когда меня вызывали на следственные действия, у меня было ощущение, что я расковыриваю болячку и она становится только глубже.

Когда я пришла на первое заседание и впервые за год или полтора увидела своего отца в маленьком коридорчике суда, меня затрясло. Передо мной был монстр, который настолько на меня злился, что хотел меня убить, а я ждала, пока его проведут мимо меня. Коридор был такой узкий, что я думала только о том, что отец меня прибьет.

Я зашла в зал раньше судьи. Отец сидел за решеткой и кричал мне: «Ну что, теперь ты счастлива? Эй, ты!». Мне хотелось, чтобы ему заткнули рот кляпом. Я боялась на него смотреть, я была в слезах. Мне казалось, что это я не права, что я должна быть на его месте, это меня должны судить.

Я ничего не знала о своих правах и законах и никогда раньше не противостояла отцу. Я очень благодарна помощнице судьи, которая подсказала мне, что я могу взять 51 статью Конституции (« никто не обязан свидетельствовать против себя самого, своего супруга и близких родственников, круг которых определяется федеральным законом » . — Прим. « Холода »), чтобы не присутствовать на заседаниях, мне нужно было просто один раз подтвердить свою личность и показания. У меня не было адвоката, я только иногда советовалась со знакомым адвокатом Русланом Созоновым, который был постоянным клиентом кофейни, где я работала.

В уголовном деле больше 20 эпизодов сексуального насилия, в том числе с угрозой жизни и шантажом. Всю мою технику изъяли, в моем телефоне были фотографии, видео и диктофонные записи, которые, кстати, расшифровывали мы с Денисом, потому что следователи сказали, что так будет быстрее. Помню, что на первом заседании судья вынес 15 томов уголовного дела или даже больше.

В суде меня спрашивали, хочу ли я денежную компенсацию. Но с кого ее будут взимать? С матери? Я знаю, что она оплачивает адвокатов отца. Я не хотела от него денег. Я не хочу ему уподобляться, это он даже в СИЗО пытался сделать мою жизнь хуже, когда писал письма моей подруге и матери Дениса.

Из приговора отцу Марии Подсудимый выразил желание дать показания в судебном заседании. По поводу родства с потерпевшей подсудимый пояснил, что он считает, что она не является его дочерью.

Последний раз я общалась с матерью в июне 2021 года. Она позвонила мне перед вынесением приговора и уговаривала отказаться от части показаний, чтобы «облегчить» отцу жизнь, чтобы он меньше сидел. Я попросила больше не звонить мне. Я почувствовала себя как никогда одиноко и брошено. Через несколько дней помощница судьи сообщила, что отцу дали 18 лет строгого режима, но потом в апелляционной инстанции срок сократили на два года.

Я не хотела, чтобы так вышло, — обратиться в органы было для меня крайней мерой. Я убедила себя в том, что по-другому было нельзя, потому что отец был переполнен злостью и ненавистью из-за того, что я не могу ему принадлежать.

Его будущее меня не беспокоит. Я думала, что я почувствую, если он умрет в тюрьме. С одной стороны, наверное, я испытаю облегчение, потому что мне больше не нужно будет думать о своей защите, с другой — мне будет больно, потому что в нем есть хорошая часть, которую я сильно любила. Но в любом случае мне страшно представлять, что будет, если он выйдет на свободу.

Картинки из прошлого

Долгое время у меня была мания преследования. Когда я работала в кофейне, я постоянно оборачивалась на дверь и думала, что он сейчас зайдет. Иногда я думала, что он где-то рядом или может мне позвонить. Из-за этих страхов мы с Денисом переехали в Питер. Но начался ковид, и закончились наши сбережения. Мы вернулись в Нижний Новгород в августе 2020 года с долгом по кредитке и расстались через пару месяцев.

Оказалось, что в наших отношениях один был спасателем, а другой — жертвой. Но в обычной жизни мы друг другу не очень подходили: у нас были разные интересы, цели и амбиции. Кажется, я любила его только за то, что с ним чувствовала себя защищенной и в безопасности. Я была инициатором расставания, и оно далось мне очень тяжело.

Я думала, что, когда отца посадят, моя жизнь разделится на «до» и «после». Но у меня до сих пор «до». Наверное, потому что на меня всю жизнь давили и я не могла за себя постоять. И здесь я тоже за себя не постояла — просто вычеркнула из жизни этого персонажа, а эта история тянется за мной шлейфом.

Мне сложно находиться в одиночестве — у меня начинаются истерики, я могу рыдать по несколько часов, у меня набухают вены на лбу, начинается мигрень. В таком состоянии я стараюсь заснуть, чтобы отключиться, иначе не остановиться. Периодически во время секса у меня дождем льются слезы, мне хочется забиться в угол.

Моя жизнь стала серым комочком. Я не получаю от нее удовольствия. Многие чувства просто на нуле. У меня был только сценарий выживания, я работала на двух работах без выходных, чтобы закрыть кредитку, а жить я не привыкла. Я не почувствовала, что сейчас я на свободе. Во мне больше ничего нет, я пустая. Иногда, чтобы вызвать всплеск эмоций, я прокручиваю в уме все картинки из прошлого — огромный ком, который хочется выкашлять, выблевать, выплакать, но не получается. Очень часто думаю: зачем, почему со мной, что будет дальше, смогу ли я вынести что-то еще?

Я только начинаю переживать боль, которую когда-то давно закупорила в себе. Я занимаюсь с психотерапевтом и стараюсь постепенно привести свою жизнь в порядок. Каждый день я говорю себе: «Ты не знаешь, что будет завтра». Это помогает жить дальше. Я мечтаю о большой любящей семье с кучей животных, о большом столе, за которым все сидят вместе, едят и смеются. Я сейчас нахожусь в отношениях и как никогда уверена в них. Для меня это некий стимул поддерживать нормальную жизнь.

Мой партнер и близкие друзья знают о моей истории, про отца. Я в некоторой степени примирилась с ней, потому что не могу изменить свое прошлое. Моя история — капля в море историй, которые еще не рассказаны. Я захотела рассказать ее, но сделать это анонимно, потому что мне бы не хотелось, чтобы мне писали в соцсетях. Мне кажется, я свое уже отборолась.