I'm not what my mother wanted to see me

Singer Vera Musaleyan - about how the adoption of her body changes life for the better

The leader of the Aloever group Vera Musaleyan advertises vibrators on his blog, talks about how to get rid of the RPP, and actively defends everyone’s right to be himself. At the request of the Cold, Musaleyan tells how the prohibitions and hostility to her body influenced her life and how she was able to cope with them.

No need to burden men

I remember how in childhood I dropped the plate, and her fragment crashed into my chest. Dad tried to pull him out, and I screamed and roared. But not from pain, but from the fact that my father sees me naked.

From about four years old I thought that the body was something shameful. I saw how my mother, a native of Baku, scares my interest in myself. Now many people know about early puberty and about the fact that in childhood they are completely normal to be interested in their body. But my mother was not told about this. I saw how she was strained by any stories related to sensuality, how she reacted to the romantic scenes in the cinema quite harmless by current standards. And because of this, I felt that something was wrong with me.

I learned to read at four years old. And in order to avoid unpleasant questions about sex, my mother just slipped my book "Where the children come from." In it, the terms “penis” and “sperm” were accompanied by the epithets “tap” and “seed” that were understandable to children. Everything was read very easily, and I no longer asked my mother unnecessary questions.

When I was six, some “cool” doctor told me and my parents that I have a second degree obesity. I was put on a hard diet, I drank pills for weight loss. In the summer I did not bathe and even wore tights in the heat. My body began to be disgusted with me.

In general, in our Armenian-Azerbaijani family there were many ideas about the behavior of a woman that seem strange to me. For example, it was believed that if a woman is sick, this is her problem, it is not necessary to burden this man.

In adolescence, when I started menstruation, I preferred to talk about this with my sister. She is three years older than me and, unlike my mother, did not inspire me with shame. But I still bought gaskets and looked around-suddenly one of my friends would see and, God forbid, dad will find out that I have “this”!

Around the same time, my behavior became contradictory. On the one hand, under the pressure of my parents, part of their installations became and mine: I tried alcohol after 18 years, I had romantic relations only in my first year of the university. On the other hand, sometimes I was deliberately liberated, easily got involved in some adventures and dubious relationships. And all this happened against the backdrop of a categorical rejection of their own body, about which my partners, I believe, did not even know. It was my “black hole”, to which I did not let anyone in. Now, turning back, I am surprised at how I, a girl who for hours looking for her hated body in the mirror, could get involved in crazy love stories.

The greatest loneliness

A little later, the internal conflict between the “two beliefs” became simply unbearable, and my psyche found a way out - my bulimia developed.

I recall youth as a period of the greatest loneliness. For some time, bulimia was the only way for me to dump the tension. The brain seemed to press the red button: “Danger! We need to reboot. Now you will have a lot, then getting rid of everything eaten, and in the end it will become easier. ” This mechanism would not turn on if I could discuss my feelings and experiences with someone, but I had no one with.

Fortunately, I found another loophole to cope with the internal conflict - she became creativity. It was always unbearable to pretend to be someone else, and creativity made it possible for complete emancipation. After all, when an artistic image appears, it becomes unbearable to be vulnerable. When you have a painful romantic story, you become a girl who offended. But when you write a song about this - you are already a creator. And this gives strength.

Step by step, I was approaching the realization of what I really am. At first it was very painful - suddenly understanding that I did not correspond to my own ideas about "correctness." I began to understand that I am more multifaceted than I thought. My motto is “possible”, which I transferred to the merchant group, appeared as a protest to my hard “impossible”.

Mom was ashamed of me

The first album of "Aloever" was called "shame". Probably, he is the most important for us, because this is my recognition: I am what it is.

My mother, first coming to our concert, sat, closing her eyes: she was ashamed of me. But I survived it surprisingly calmly.

Once I told her:

- Mom, I love you very much, but I cannot but be myself, even for you, even if we stop communicating after that. I can't do otherwise.

After that, we practically did not talk for three years. All this time my mother watched, watched, thought about what had happened and once asked me:

- Vera, tell me honestly, what kind of act did you injure you the most?

And I replied that the hardest thing was to endure the complete ignoring of the boundaries. I told her how I felt when she read my personal diary and checked a backpack for drugs. She said that this was offensive, and therefore I sometimes acted deliberately boldly.

Mom herself is horrified by herself in the past. I see that she feels guilty, and I try very hard to save her from him. At that time, she was afraid for her daughter, who, obviously, was some other-not what she would like to see me. Mom could only give me what she had. She did not have the Internet to score in the search bar “What to do if your child ...” and get information. Therefore, I definitely do not think that she is guilty of something.

I learned to live shame

I became freer on stage and easier to criticize. When the Haters write: “You are a terrible mediocre fool!”, I calmly answer: “OK”. It doesn't hurt me.

Now I can’t name a topic that would cause me burning shame. I am not afraid of any of my manifestations. Yes, this is not always nice. If you did not close the door to the toilet and someone went, it is quite natural that you will be embarrassed. But now such a story will not make me hate myself, consider it unworthy and will not cause a toxic desire not to exist. This did not happen when my candid videos were leaked on the Internet. I learned to live shame and allowed myself to be myself.

Freedom is impossible without the adoption of all its faces. It is sad that in Russia today everything that is associated with self -determination is taboo to be the right to be yourself. The feeling that we are rolling in the Middle Ages.

Our group has many fans of various sexual orientation and gender identity, but this is not because we perform some special songs. We just give people the opportunity to be ourselves.