Shyness

The Publishing House "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber" represents a book of professor of psychology at Stanford University Lynn Henderson "Sunnyness. How to get rid of uncertainty and feel free in any situation ”(translation of Oksana Bear).

There is nothing wrong with being shy. But if shyness or social anxiety prevents you from building relationships, moving along a service ladder or enjoy life, then it's time to change it. Due to shyness and social anxiety, you can be afraid to attend events, speak publicly, communicate with unfamiliar people and even go to interviews. Studies show that millions of people face such problems. The good news is that there are proven effective methods that help to cope with shyness and begin to live the life in which fear does not interfere with achieving goals. You will learn about them from this book.

We offer to read a fragment of the book.

Shyness and our dodgy brain: the meaning of compassion

Almost every person at one point in his life experienced attacks of strong shyness, awkwardness in communication, self -doubt and anxiety. Remember cases when you were so shy that other people shook with all your might. What happened around you then? Who was near, in what situation did you end up? Many people experience shyness and awkwardness, getting acquainted with new people (for example, on a first date or at an interview when applying for a job), as well as communicating with especially authoritative persons or conducting a conversation in a small group. We are also often afraid of critics, being sure that others are judging us. This feeling - as if they are watching you and they are evaluated - it can be very painful, and not only out of fear of a negative assessment. You can survive a sharp attack of shyness, including listening to praise.

Thinking later about such moments, you can recall the physical sensations that accompanied this anxious feeling (for example, dry mouth or cold in the stomach, a weak and trembling voice). Perhaps your voice became hoarse and you had to cough every now and then. And also, feeling that they are watching us and they are evaluated, we often blush. Sometimes a complete emptiness reigns in my head, and only then - perhaps after a few hours - we think: “What was it? Why didn’t I say this and that? "

If you were experiencing this, know that you are not alone. The listed feelings and reactions are very common. In fact, at least 98 % of students of American universities and adult Americans are faced with problems of this kind. Almost 60 % of students argue that they are shy and this shyness at times interferes with them very much. It is extremely difficult to imagine a person who has never experienced a bout of shyness in life, because shyness is considered a basic human emotion, a mixture of fear and interest.

The degree of our shyness really depends on a number of factors - both internal and external.

In this book, we study the phenomenon of shyness and social anxiety in order to better understand the feelings, thoughts and actions associated with these states, and learn to cope with them. We will discuss how to develop compassion for your anxiety, instead of trying to ignore it or even hate yourself for this feeling. You will learn that anxiety is an adaptive function of the human brain. The state of anxiety and social alertness is characteristic of all animals, and there are very good reasons for this. Having developed this idea, we learn that difficulties associated with painful shyness and social anxiety arise not through our fault, but are an integral part of our brain.

In this book, we will consider both the strengths of shyness, including the corresponding system of values, and the weaknesses of this feeling. We will learn how ordinary shyness turns into a problem and what to do in these cases. We will consider what helps in such a situation, and what can only aggravate the situation.

This book invites you, dear readers, to use it as it will be convenient for you. It included descriptions of real situations, thoughts and exercises that have already proven their usefulness for many people. The book is based on research, practice and documented experience of hundreds of my customers and customers of other psychotherapists. But, reading it, remember that we are all unique. For example, you can find that some feelings, difficulties, strengths and weaknesses of shyness described in this book find a response in you, while others do not. In the same way, descriptions, thoughts and exercises may turn out to be useful to you, but may not bring any results. I suggest you, having tested them all, choose the right one for you and use it when working with your psychotherapist or in group classes. In a word, you can better determine how to make this book as useful as possible for yourself.

The difference between ordinary, chronic and problematic shyness

Before we continue the conversation, it is important to draw a clear line between ordinary shyness, which almost all people from time to time experience, and problematic, chronic or excessive shyness. Less than 2 % of students responded deny that they have ever experienced this feeling, and out of 58 % claiming that they are shy, about a third do not see any problem in this. If you have difficulties from time to time with this - perhaps that is why you read this book - I hope that the described exercises will be useful to you in such situations.

And I really want to help you learn to resist the negative stereotypes associated with the shyness that have developed over the past few decades. I consider them the result of erroneous social ideas and hype in media related to phenomena such as extraversion and individualism. Not understanding where these stereotypes come from and how they work, we risk undermining our self -confidence and mistakenly evaluate our own temperament.

To some readers, shyness interferes with the desired business-most often due to painful experiences and events in the past. Perhaps you consider yourself shy and see the problem in this. And perhaps, others call you shy, because you are a calm person - rather closed than an extrovert - and not too assertive. There will certainly be readers who from time to time feel painfully shy, and others consider them sociable and quite socially adapted. If you learned yourself in this description, then most likely you think that people will be disappointed in you when they get to know you closer. This, in turn, may mean that you are more afraid of rapprochement with already familiar people than acquaintance with new ones.

Some readers probably periodically turn for help to overcome problematic shyness. Others are trying to cope with her on their own: perhaps you have a friend, or maybe several friends, and you are gradually getting rid of those manifestations of shyness that prevent you from feeling their fullness in your personal life and at work. Or maybe you look like those people who came up to me after my lectures and said that they are trying to overcome shyness, reading books on self -development and experimenting on their own with new behavioral patterns.

And you can also be a painfully and chronically shy person and be so afraid of the assessment and condemnation of others that you avoid any communication by all means or just tolerate it without the slightest pleasure, or even with significant psychological discomfort. It is also possible that there is one specific life situation (or several) in which you always feel discomfort: public performances, acquaintance with new people, dates, walks in a small company. It may be very difficult for you to communicate with colleagues or with teachers at a university; Maybe you are scared by sexual contacts or other intimate situations. You could be in isolation; or you have easy depression; Or you show aggression to somehow compensate for your excessive shyness. Perhaps you are a very lonely person. All this is the experience that people who come to us in group classes share. If any of the above refers to you, then exercises from this book will come in handy. Perhaps you will want to find a psychotherapist who will accompany you in the process. Be that as it may, having started performing exercises, you yourself can decide what works in your case.

The positive aspects of shyness

Due to the huge number of negative associations associated with shyness, you can easily miss its positive side. And she is. Sharp people are not particularly interested in getting the upper hand over someone; They rarely put pressure on others, do not try to control anyone, do not want to be always considered one number-they, as a rule, are much more concerned about how to build communication with others, get along with them and do their job well.

In essence, people with such a temperament can be considered at least no less pleasant in communication than people with a bold and open disposition (which, without thinking for a second, are always ready to do anything and communicate with anyone and anywhere, but sometimes not too sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of others). People who consider themselves shy, in communication, often use the approach, which the researchers called a "pause for verification." In other words, before taking part in something, they probe the soil. Sharp children, as a rule, are extremely sensitive and susceptible to the thoughts and feelings of other people. Usually they are ready to help classmates, are configured for cooperation, behave altruistically and show sympathy for peers who are in trouble. Psychologists call such actions “pro -social behavior”. It is known that children retain this model of behavior even after they grow up a bit. Indeed, shy teenagers tend to sympathize with other people - unless they have serious personal problems and the focus of their attention is not directed inside themselves, at their own anxiety and misfortunes. This is understandable: when a person is really bad, it is difficult for him to understand how others feel.

As the studies show, sensitive children are physically more healthy than non -sufficient, provided that their parents and teachers are friendly, kind and support them. However, in a less favorable environment, such children tolerate painful conditions, such as allergic rhinitis. When children or adults, especially susceptible to the problems of others, fall into a highly competitive, rigid (toxic) environment, where aggression and rejection reign, they usually close in themselves and begin to avoid other people. The best way out for them will be to leave this environment and find more supporting and has interaction. In the case of shy children, parents should be made by parents.

It should be remembered that shyness becomes a problem - sometimes painful and even exhausting - only when negative experiences and events (for example, frequent movements, loss of parents, constant criticism of a house or at school), complete or partial rejection by society turn ordinary shaven and sensitivity into a real disaster.

The weakening of social anxiety and painful shyness is usually necessary in situations where you are so concerned about how other people evaluate you that you stop looking for friendship and social support. You are not trying to get a job that you have been dreaming about for a long time, do not go to learn what you wanted to learn. The purpose of this book is simple: we want you to feel your ability to do what you really want in life, and focus on your favorite classes.

Self -analysis: we explore our shyness

• Can you recall situations when you experienced strong shyness?
• What emotions appeared in you in these situations?
• What motivation or behavioral patterns provoked this?
• What did you want to do?

Do not blame yourself for the problems associated with shyness

As you know, the human brain was formed hundreds of millions of years. In essence, the most primitive parts and structures of our brain were born into the reptile phase of evolution, and even in more ancient times. Our brain has many basic emotions and behavioral systems that are characteristic of other animals. We, like them, are worried and angry. Like animals, we strive to form sexual relations, friendship and are tied to children. We fight for the status and belonging to groups (animals, in turn, gather in flocks and prides). All of the above, as a rule, allows us to feel safe if we feel that we are accepted and we are desirable. When we are not sure of this, the “armor” of security becomes significantly thinner. Many of our basic passions, social incentives and emotions are a product of evolution. And, as Paul Gilbert notes in his book The Compassionate Mind, this has huge consequences for us. Many processes in our mind, as well as our motives to do something, are programmed by evolution and are formed by our life experience. A significant part of our feelings regarding specific things and events - for example, anxiety and fear - do not exist through our fault.

Think about it well - problems associated with shyness do not arise through your fault. This extremely important statement gives a key understanding for the formation of a compassionate approach. When we get rid of a sense of our own inferiority, we stop blaming ourselves in chronic shyness and social anxiety, it is much easier for us to focus on the problem and show compassion. It must be recognized that vulnerability and painful shyness are not our fault. Such recognition will help purposefully and with compassion to work with these problems and make social anxiety stop managing our life.

Of course, we must do everything in our power, to identify the best in our brain, but we should not blame ourselves because we are anxious or we are embarrassed. At that moment, when we refuse self -flagellation and recognition of our own worthlessness, we are freed and thanks to this we meet with more ease any difficulties and problems.

Work sheet: Personal example

Based on the idea that shyness is not your fault and that in this state people are inclined to blame themselves for everything that does not go as well as they hoped, remember the recent situation when you accused yourself of something like that.

• What did you say to yourself then?
• How did you feel?
• How did this affect the level of your self -confidence?

We all need the environment that supports and loves us and is attentive to what we said. Safeed by nature, people, as a rule, know how to listen and support others, they are constant and true. All these are “compassionate” qualities - and when we are compassionate in relation to others, they most often answer us the same. Studies in the field of interpersonal relations clearly show that one of our basic needs is reciprocity: when we smile and show friendliness to someone, a person is usually friendly to us. It is curious that if we are talking about dominance, the principles of reciprocity do not work - in this case, people usually complement each other: if we obey, others take on the role of a leader, and if we are assertive, they obey us. Thus, it is very important for a shy person to learn how to smile and show friendliness, causing a response from others, and demonstrating the most persistence in cases where another person is inclined to dominance or it is clearly difficult for him to obey anyone. Members of our groups often are surprised to find that when they convincingly and confidently offer real actions, put forward ideas and practice more “assertive” behavior, others usually willingly follow them, recognizing their leadership.

Behavioral patterns based on shyness often imply cooperation and maintenance of trusting relationships, and not the desire to dominate and win at all costs. I shot on the video how the clients of our clinic perform the following exercise: the group needs to take away several people who will be honored to survive after a planetary disaster, flying away from the ground on a spaceship. With the permission of the participants in the exercise, I showed this video at the conference of psychologists. During the discussion, the members of the group showed neither aggression nor excessive humility; They were polite, patiently waited for their turn to speak out and listened attentively to others. They reasonably outlined their opinion and eventually effectively solved the problem. The audience was very impressed!

It is curious that social anxiety and shyness are very common among other representatives of the animal world. In order to live in groups and not to fight endlessly for limited resources, many animals form hierarchies, in which strong and imperious people behave confidently, and less strong are more watchful and careful. The social order in these groups is often supported precisely due to the social anxiety of less powerful. They have special ways to demonstrate their anxiety, which scientists call "subordinate behavior." It is characterized by avoidance to look into someone’s eyes, the desire to shrink and cringe, so that the body looks as little as possible, the desire not to attract attention.

People, if you figure it out, often behave the same. Some theorists even believe that shyness and social anxiety are directly related to social status. It is suggested that social anxiety helps maintain public order, that without it in the world there could be much more aggression, and groups and communities could never live peacefully.

According to this theory, light forms of shyness and social anxiety do not allow us to forget about some vigilance and caution so that we do not accept the state of affairs for granted. Thanks to slight shyness, we pay more attention to what the people around us do and think, and take care not to upset them too much. So social anxiety in a sense contributes to social harmony.

The theory of social rank described above is primarily applicable to traditional social hierarchies, where men dominate, as well as to highly competitive cultures. However, this situation may well change as women and men with another, a new approach will begin to occupy leading posts in the corporate and political spheres more often. Cultures in which the principle of “take care and friends” acts (that is, “budgets, provide and get social support”, and not “hit or run”), today appear in business and science. The evolutionary strategy, suggesting that a person makes friends, is looking for social support and provides it in response, is no less adaptive than the previous one - “hit or run”. Moreover, such changes can be beneficial even to the dominant alpha-Sammans: for example, the Babuins even lose the most aggressive individuals at some point in life; And when this happens, other aggressive males, as a rule, begin to torment and intimidate them. But shy individuals usually behave much more peacefully and are located to cooperation. Perhaps we, people, should focus in our behavior not on the Babuins, but on the peaceful bonobos, humanoid chimpanzees and the closest relatives of a person.

In general, compassion helps shy to live in a world, where this quality has long been considered secondary and bringing problems. Compassion allows you to better understand how the world changes, how to live in this world and how to improve it.