"Well, do you understand that you are mine?"

The story of Asha Komarovskaya, the heroine of the podcast "Students". At the age of 14, she met a person who created a mini -sketch from schoolgirls and students

The podcast "Students" about abuses and violence in a summer school for gifted children began with one letter. Asha Komarovskaya, a photographer from Moscow, wrote to the journalist and femoralist Nasta Krasilnikova that she experienced violence and Abuez when she was a teenager. The man whom she recognized under the nickname Simon met with Ashi when she was 14 and he-19. For three years they lived together, and during these years he not only sexually and emotionally exploited Asha, but also created something like a harem or sect of himself: many girls of different ages were under his influence. With most of them, Simon, his real name Evgeny Taranov, got acquainted in the summer ecological school (lash) - a tent camp for children who want to engage in science. Years later, some of these girls grew up, realized what happened to them in their youth, and decided to share their stories. So it turned out that the Lash was far from one terrible teacher who abused his power. Listen to a detailed story of abuse in the Lash in the podcast of the "student" . And this is the story of Asha Komarovskaya about how she met Taranov and how he dragged her into the whirlpool of Gazlaiting, violence and manipulations.

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Meeting

I was born in Moscow, but from early childhood I lived on Chukotka. My mother was married to a military pilot. We lived in the village of Coal Copy near Anadyr. Then my parents divorced because dad drank and beat mom. We returned to Moscow, my mother got a job and met the man of her dreams. They had a wonderful honeymoon, and then an encephalitis tick bit it.

We settled on Chistoprudny Boulevard in the apartment of my grandfather, a military doctor. I went to school, but my friends were very difficult for me. Firstly, I lied all the time, because I could not tell what was happening at my house-in our family it was called "to take out the IC from the hut." But at the same time it was necessary to somehow explain that I could not go to visit after school. I composed something, but in fact I didn’t go anywhere, because my mother will rush potatoes if I do not come on time: because of the illness, she turned into a big child. Secondly, I did not have money. I walked in jeans alone, in one turtleneck, and everyone else went with gold phones.

Grandfather died when I was 14, and I was in isolation. I really wanted to find some company that will accept me as I am.

Once a friend called me to a rally in defense of trees on Chistoprudny Boulevard. It was organized by students of the biofacment of Moscow State University. For me it was a superlewitch: I came there and immediately became part of the team. It was an amazing feeling. All students of the first, second courses, and I am equal among them.

There was a boy among them, beautiful as a god, in my then understanding. This boy himself came up to me, he allocated me, made me compliments very many times about how beautiful I am, what amazing eyes I have, what my chest shape is. On the first day of acquaintance, he said that my dress perfectly emphasizes the chest and that it is very beautiful.

I cannot explain what was his charm. He seemed to look at me and surrounded me with attention and warmth. So he looks - and peers. It makes you some kind of compliments strange: what a curl of your hair on your neck, what a dot in your pupil.

He introduced himself to me Simon, and everyone else was also called that.

I was at that moment for 14 years, and he knew about it, because he asked - on the very first day. And he was 18 or 19.

Our first meeting was in September, and in February the same friend again called me to help the ShBO - a school biological Olympiad.

There I saw Simon, and he recognized me instantly, but began to ignore. He waved to me, smiled - and that’s it. I walked by. And when I wanted to talk to him, he turned away or spoke with someone else. It was a very strange sensation. This happened three or four times, until I still caught it to say hello. He again directed me frantic attention. As I later found out, it was his basic strategy, he did so with everyone. It was important that you would fit the first.

We sat on the windowsill, he held my hand and told me how beautiful I was. It was a beautiful boy, older than me, he told me what any 14-year-old girl wants to hear: “You are so special, you are not like everyone else, you are older than your years, you are much smarter than your peers. You have bad friends because you are too adult for them. ”

In the end, I arrived home in love with my ears

When you are 14 years old and they tell you that you are special, you are amazing. Especially if you are a lonely child.

Relationship

He gave me his phone, and I began to call him in the evenings and talk for hours about any garbage. He all the time we knew some compliments and hinted that he really wanted to meet, but he couldn’t, because he was preparing for admission to the 24/7 biofac. In March, I began to go to his biofac.

Usually this happened like this: I come, Simon is very busy and tells me to wait. I am sitting on the floor in the place called the “Point of Power”-he periodically hangs and eats with someone there. And I am waiting for him to finally be freed-three or four hours. And as soon as my patience ends and I am going to leave, he catches me and leads me away with corridors, basements to some small, small bundles, and we kiss for a long time. Simon tells me how remarkably I kiss and what kind of adult and special, but we cannot be together, because it is much older and not perfect enough for me.

He also says that we need to leave friends, but at the same time calls me to his home. And I'm going.

His mother went somewhere on the weekend, and we are alone in the apartment. He leads me to her room. There is a sofa bed and the Ikeevsky chair swaying. He sits in this chair and begins to tell how he deprived his girlfriend, and she sat on this chair later and looked completely different - feminine.

He sees that it is somehow uncomfortable for me, and reassures: “Don’t worry, I don’t force you to anything, and in general, sex is overestimated. Let's go to you and I better in the bath. Undress. Cold. It is necessary to warm up to sleep warmly. " I: well, I asked twice, okay ... I take off my jacket, he asks me to remove the bra. I think in some stupor: we are like friends, if a friend asks, we must do. In general, I undress, and we go to the bath. We eat food there, drink wine, he is very trying to hint that it would be nice to reach the blowjob.

As soon as he realized that nothing would work out, we would get out of the bath, and he sharply becomes cold. How a person was replaced. It answers monosyllabic and says that I need to go home.

I must say that all this happened on the eve of my 15th birthday, in mid-March, and I knew almost nothing about sex at that time. About oral sex, I did not know anything. His hints about the blowjob found me by surprise: I had no idea how to do it, and even to think about it was scary. You are small, a big member. How to combine this?

Simon did not answer my calls and, when I came to see, specially avoided me, but so that I would notice that he was bypassing me. I felt terribly: like a person who broke the heart to another and destroyed everything. I tried to talk to him several times, but he sent me to think about my behavior and call him when I was ready to "continue the apprenticeship."

The fact is that he often told me that sex transforms the girl. For her, the first sex is the moment when she grows up and opens up energy paths. He said that I have magic, but in order to become a real sorceress and open a vessel inside me, I need to learn from him. He began to call me his student, and himself as a teacher.

I called him in April when I realized that I had nowhere to go again, nothing to talk to, nothing was happening.

We could talk for hours, then he asked me some question, for example: “Tell me what you think when you touch yourself.” And I do not touch myself, dude. I don’t understand what you are talking about at all. And he puts the phone. I call back - he does not pick up the phone. The next day, everything is the same: I say something, and he suddenly turns off. Thus, he is slowly training me.

By the end of April, when his mother begins to actively go to the country, he again calls me to visit.

I come and see a bed with some silk sheets. He says that today we have a special evening. Like, I very much pushed him to this step, and he is ready.

At first I made him a blowjob in the bathroom. And then we had the first sex. I remember this vaguely. I remember some things around: how the ceiling looked like, how green sheets felt, how a candle was burning, and I always thought that it would fall now. But the process itself I remember terribly vaguely. But he liked it.

He admired the spot of blood, was delighted with him, and told me four times that they had previously hung out a sheet to show everyone, but now he would simply save it. He really kept it, she lay in a box, and periodically during the quarrels he put forward this box, showed me a sheet and said: “Well, do you understand that you are mine?”

I started to visit Simon regularly. We are constantly having sex, and he says that this is me - I want it all the time. And I can’t say that I like the process. I do not enjoy. The fact that sex can be pleasant, I found out many years later. I only like Simon himself, because during sex and some time after he is so warm, so open, so loving. It was such a roofing sense of my own significance that for the sake of it I constantly went there.

Cohabitation

After some time, I settled at home with Simon and his mother. It turned out like this: I found a kitten in the transition. He was cool, went to my handles, and the cat just died with us. And I realized that I could not pass by. I brought him home, but my dad told me that he would throw this kitten out of the window now. I collected a backpack, took a little things and a kitten, and went to Simon. This happened in 2003, in May. And I lived with Simon until 2006.

In the summer, Simon went to the Lash as a curator. He took me and my kitten with him. Another girl named Tanyushka lived with us. Tanya was older than Simon for a year or two.

Tanya was very surprised that we would live in the tent. She knew how old I was. She was embarrassed, but we still began to sleep the three of them in two descended sleeping bags. It was customary to sleep like that in Lash.

Simon slept in the middle, and we are on the sides. At night, he turned his back to one girl, and the second Fingerel. Then the opposite. And the second girl at this time pretended to be sleeping.

Next year, Simon went to the Lash as a teacher, he had his own course “Mathematical Logic”. He came up with him, combining NLP, some near-Mordon practices, meditation. No one understood him and could not pass it. At the end of the summer school, we had to take the tests, and it was impossible to pass anything to Simon, because there were neither textbooks nor rules, everything changed on the go. He made a test to someone, and told someone: you will be in Moscow. Schoolchildren came to normal teachers at the biofac. And to the abnormal - home. Simon always had girls with tails, most often from other cities, so they came and stayed overnight.

This is 2004, he is studying at the biofac, and I work. These girls come to him. I'm shitty, because from my point of view we are a couple. Yes, he calls me a student, I call him a teacher, but this is because he does not like the word boyfriend.

He tells me that he has a romantic relationship only with me, but he is a man, and a man loves many. And in general, he does not understand how it can be monogamous.

Gradually, a whole circle of such girls formed around Simon. He dressed us all the same. There was a uniform that had to be worn - either a skirt on the floor, or a pleated skirt in a cell. It was impossible to wear tights even in frost - only stockings and preferably without panties. Once I bought in the transition the glasses that he liked. He began to wear glasses of the same shape on all girls who had poor vision. I dyed my hair in the redhead, because gray, according to Simon, is "too boring." Almost all the girls also began to paint in red. Someone himself reached, and to someone he bought paint. We all painted in the redhead of the same paint, the same brand. He gave us all sorts of tasks. I write texts well, and he gave me the assignments to write letters to other girls. Another girl played well on musical instruments, and she had to play a concert in front of us.

In the apartment, he installed a video camera and recorded our sex, our life. He put a record when he left home to follow me. Sometimes it flew to me for doing something or did not.

With other girls, he corresponded in chats, most often at night. When he went to bed, he was very excited. I worked in the morning - I had to leave the house at 06:40 to leave for work. Somewhere at three in the morning, he finished correspondence and woke me up for sex. At first I tried to protest or negotiate, but this did not lead to anything. He pinned me so that I woke up, or stuck it, like by accident, or put something prickly. We lived a rat, and sometimes he let it go for me to run, so that she would bit. The only way to stop it was sex.

Gradually, he began to introduce, without asking my consent, some additional chips. At first he brought cucumbers, then some other fruits. He kisses you, and at that moment you already understand that something is already inserted into you, or you wake up that some crap has been inserted into you. Then he began to solder the sex toys-he did it badly. They fought electric, it hurt, and nothing could be done with it either.

The more he had girls in correspondence, the tougher our interactions with him became. There was even a talk about whether I want something or I do not want to. He came home: "Open from your chats, do a blowjob, without question."

We had no money, so he had sex with me without a condom, and with others with a condom.

It was protected by the method of interrupted sexual intercourse, but several times I still became pregnant. The first time I was 16 years old. I have a second negative blood type, so it’s quite difficult for me to take out a child. I have never come further than 6 weeks.

For the first time I became pregnant, I was scared. The second time I was hoping that the child would make us a real family. The third time I realized that I was pregnant, already at the time of miscarriage. I had a dream that we would have a daughter. He also said that he wanted a daughter, and came up with the name of Lita. As a result, another girl became the mother of Lithuania.

For behavior that he did not like, he punished me with cold and ignore. I could lock me in an apartment or not let me go home - just pick up my keys and make me spend the night on the stairs. The screenshots of the videos of our sex and photographs he sent to some chats-I do not know which ones, but I saw how this is happening. It greatly nervous.

I never liked sex with him, but I did everything: first, so that he would give me a little warmth, and then to just leave me alone. At some point, he began to say that I don’t even know how to do sex normally: for so many years he teaches me, but I will not learn anything in any way. He completely stopped giving me even a drop of heat.

Parting

In 2006, I realized that I want to leave. The number of girls was growing, there were very many of them, and he had sex with them already with me. We went to the same bed: I, Simon and some girl. He lay with his back, hugged her, and they did something there. If the girl was younger-14-15 years old, then it was Fingeering, maybe oral sex. With older girls, he, without bothering, had sex.

In general, at some point I and my acquaintance went to St. Petersburg to St. Petersburg. On the way back, we came across a man who brought us into the forest and said that now he would rape us. My friend was sitting in the back seat, she was very bad, and the man said that he would kill her now if I did not have sex with him. I knocked him on oral sex - it was tough.

At some point, he unlocked the doors, and we jumped out. I arrived home six hours later than I had to. I go to the apartment and see that Simon is lying in a bath with this cold face. I shakes me, I sit down next to me and try to talk, and he freezes me again. I start to cry, and after about 20 minutes he says: "You had to warn, I had plans." I am: "I could not." He told me something like: "And if you were raped or killed?" I am: "Well, they raped me."

Then he asked everything to tell in detail. He asked three times: “Was it just blowjob?” And then he looked at me and said: “Ah, that is, nothing happened. Well, it's okay. " Вылез из ванны: «Ну, я тебе еды приготовлю». Он повел себя так, как будто простил меня и оттаял, но у меня что-то сломалось. Я решила уходить.

Я походила с этой мыслью месяца полтора. Поездка в Питер была в августе, а в октябре я позвонила родителям и сказала, что возвращаюсь. С родителями все эти годы я не общалась.

Я уехала, но на этом все не закончилось. Саймон продолжал врываться в мою жизнь: он приезжал к моему дому, караулил возле университета, заходил в подъезд и устраивал сцены, чтобы соседи высунулись из своих квартир. Избежать этих сцен можно было, если потрогать его член.

В университете мы тоже периодически пересекались, и он делал такой вид, будто из-за меня собирается себе вскрыть вены. У него была огромная группа поддержки, его все утешали, а меня гнобили. В общем, я решила, что МГУ не для меня, и перевелась в Литинститут.

Его брат привез мои вещи, среди которых был весь хлам и мусор из квартиры: какие-то зассанные тряпки, ношеные трусы, которые я оставляла там чистыми, — куча хлама. Эти коробки собирала его мать, она думала, что я разбила сердечко ее любимому сыну.

Один раз Саймон застал меня с другом, с которым у меня не было никаких романтических отношений, но этот друг был очень большой, очень квадратный, высокий. Друг на него рявкнул, и он исчез. В конце концов, как-то все сошло на нет.

Как делали этот подкаст

Подкаст «Ученицы» придумала и сделала журналистка и фемактивистка Настя Красильникова. Он вышел в студии «Либо/Либо» 10 октября 2022 года.

Настя узнала историю Аши летом 2021 года — Аша Комаровская написала Насте письмо о том, что она и несколько ее подруг в подростковом возрасте ездили в Летнюю экологическую школу (ЛЭШ) и подвергались насилию и абьюзу со стороны одного преподавателя. Они хотели рассказать Насте о себе и своем опыте, чтобы предать историю огласке и обезопасить новых учениц этой школы. В январе 2022 года Настя, заручившись поддержкой студии, начала собирать фактуру: разговаривать с бывшими школьницами, кураторками и кураторами ЛЭШ, преподавателями и другими причастными людьми. Выяснилось, что далеко не один преподаватель манипулировал детьми, склонял их к сексу, домогался и абьюзил девочек и мальчиков — в подкасте рассказаны истории о шести мужчинах, злоупотреблявших своим положением. Это истории, которые удалось подтвердить рассказом нескольких людей, часть из которых согласилась говорить под собственным именем в подкасте. Есть еще несколько преподавателей, о которых школьницы, кураторы и коллеги рассказывают подобные истории о нарушении границ детей и подростков. Эти истории не вошли в подкаст, так как их не удалось полностью верифицировать.

Для подкаста «Ученицы» Настя взяла около 50 интервью у 42 людей. Она поговорила почти с тремя десятками бывших школьниц и школьников. Вместе с продюсеркой и фактчекеркой Викой Лобановой она нашла контакты и достучалась до каждого мужчины, обвиненного в домогательствах и злоупотреблениях, и предложила им рассказать свою версию событий. К сожалению, на разговор согласились не все.

Композитор и звукорежиссер Ильдар Фаттахов написал для этого подкаста пять музыкальных тем.

Подкаст длится 5 часов 31 минуту.