The husband does not want to leave after the mobilization announcement, his wife asks him to leave

What to do? They asked the psychologist to tell how param should solve such problems

In many married couples, after the declaration of mobilization, conflicts began, which can be perceived as insoluble. Some men refuse to urgently leave Russia, while women insist on their urgent departure. Others left the country, but their wives do not support such a decision. "Cold" talked with the family psychologist Lucy Mikalyan on how to solve disagreements between partners in crisis situations.

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Mobilization became a trigger for the emergence of unsolvable conflicts between spouses or partners. Why is this happening?

- There is no family where everything is always smooth. In peacetime, we do not pay attention to something, put something off for later or even close our eyes-this is a normal life. But stress and difficult situations exacerbate problems, sometimes turning them into insoluble.

I often hear the phrase “It turns out we are different people” or “We have different values.” In fact, this is not so. If people had diametrically opposite views, they would hardly be together. It’s just that when there was no emergency and difficult situation, despite the differences, partners could discuss the problem and solve how to do it together. But if the situation is experienced as a real threat, which is now happening in Russia, it is difficult to negotiate.

How to find a common language in a crisis situation?

- It is difficult to establish contact when you think that you are not understood or betrayed. If partners will calm down and can talk to each other or if everyone talks to someone third-a friend or a psychologist-then they will be able to see that both have not only ultimatums, but also fears, anxiety, and experiences. But it is impossible to do this alone, the efforts of two people are needed.

To destroy relationships, offend and injure each other is easy. We are all in close relations - the master to hurt. Need to think: I really want to swear and spoil the relationship? If not, then you should go to the dialogue with a partner.

What to do in a situation where, for example, a woman wants to leave Russia with children, and her husband says that she will not let children go?

- It is worth remembering that any acute conflict affects children. But when the family is destroyed, the connection between parents and children still does not disappear. Children still have two parents. Maybe “we” as partners are lost, but still “we” as parents remains. Stop putting the ultimatums to each other, begin to negotiate. You can contact a mediator or specialist.

Another situation. The man left due to mobilization, and the woman with the children remained in Russia: she is scared and anxious. She tells her husband that he abandoned her, which is why conflicts arise. What to do in this case? From the outside, this situation seems hopeless: if he returns to Russia, he will most likely be forced to go to war. If he does not return, then his wife says to him: "You left us."

- This is a false choice. It is difficult for a wife with children, but a man is also not easy. Imagine that they are talking about their feelings, she says: "I feel bad without you, I miss and worry." And he replies: “I am also worried, I am also worried about myself and even more for you. Let's think together, what can we do so that everyone is comfortable? ” In this dialogue, the choice disappears: either you are returning, or you are a traitor.

When it is difficult for a person, he says: “Come to me,” and does not think that the second at this moment is also difficult. When you understand that the partner is not cooling, but trying to find some kind of work, settle down in a new place-it becomes easier, you begin to think about how to hold together. Maybe sell something, reduce some expenses.

How to stop blaming a person for not making a decision? For example, if a partner does not understand whether to leave him from Russia or not.

- This is a reaction of freezing. If you have never traveled to other countries, it is difficult to decide, for example, to emigration. You do not know how to find housing, where and by whom to work. In this state, a person needs help, tips, recommendations, support.

But it may be such that the woman bought tickets to her partner, rented housing in another country, but the man still did not go.

- There should be a reason for this. Perhaps the man is afraid of something. Imagine that you have a fear of heights, and I say: "Here is a staircase, here's a trampoline, stand on this land." You will not go there because you are afraid of heights. You need to understand what stops your partner from moving.

If this is a family with a traditional distribution of roles, it is important for a man to stay with the feeling that he is a minister, he earns and respects himself for it. It is important for him to keep his family: this is how he feels his need. In this case, the move can cause fear that he can’t cope, he will not be well done in his eyes. Here, tickets and a booked room in the hotel will not help him. There is support here. You can hug a person if you are near, or tell him on the phone: “I will respect you, no matter what, the main thing is that we are together. And if you are sent to war, you can die there, and then we will not succeed. ”

Are there basic councils for couples in a crisis?

- In a state when they put an extraordinary circumstances, it is difficult to calm down. But we have a choice to worry, get angry, experience fear alone, or still worry it together.

Do not forget that a close and safe emotional connection is the best protection against stress and uncertainty. This is a colossal resource, a source of strength and calm. It is important for a person to feel that he is not alone, that there is someone’s shoulder, someone's hand, someone's love, someone's understanding. We can grow and maintain this feeling.

General advice - appreciate the connection, because it is easy to destroy. We now have a choice - to go to our senses or to direct forces to maintain a relationship. Do not sit in news feeds, spend time with a loved one. Try to do something pleasant for each other, walk, hold your hands, hug, watch movies or TV shows together, make love.