"I don't know how I feel."

Author: Anna Trekhstogova
Editor: Ekaterina Martynova

Illustrations: Stasya Bububu

According to the publication Bumaga, in the first two weeks of the “partial” mobilization, at least 300 thousand people left Russia. Many men left alone, without their families and relatives. How are their families, their girlfriends and wives coping with the separation? DOXA spoke with those who were forced to part with their loved ones for some time due to mobilization and war in Ukraine.

On the day of the conversation with Sofia (name changed at the request of the heroine), there was a holiday in her family. However, it was not at all as usual.

“Today is my husband and I’s anniversary,” says Sofia in a tired voice. “And we... are not together for the first time.”

Sofia met Timur at work in her hometown 8 years ago. The girl wrote for a local magazine. One day a famous stylist came to the city to conduct a master class. Sofia went to the shoot and met her future husband there.

“We both worked there, filmed. After I came home, he wrote to me on VKontakte. He said that today we were filming together, we were filming a friend of a friend, and asked me to send my photos. I didn’t see him at all then,” recalls Sofia.

Timur offered the girl cooperation. She agreed. As it turned out later, it was an invitation to an individual photo shoot.

“We went to the lake, chatted, there were a lot of common topics. Even then I thought: if he calls me for coffee, it means he has a crush on me,” says Sofia. At that time, Sofia was planning to move to Moscow. The young man followed her to the capital. A year after the move, on the girl’s birthday, Timur proposed to her.

“I told him then: “I’ll come out someday.” In response, he said that he had already booked the date,” Sofia recalls with a smile in her voice. “We have become a friendly family.” We always support each other."

Another married couple is Svetlana and Dmitry (names have been changed at the request of the heroes). They have been together for more than four years. The conversation began on the social network Vkontakte. Svetlana was in St. Petersburg at that time, and Dmitry was hitchhiking around Georgia. After returning home, the young people continued to communicate online.

“I’m not a big fan of correspondence,” admits Svetlana, “this is a specific genre, I didn’t want to communicate with him like that. I began to encourage him to see each other in life. As it turned out, we lived a three-minute walk from each other.”

The girl almost immediately realized that Dmitry was her man. A year ago, the young people got married.

Maria and Stas also had a romantic acquaintance story (names have been changed at the request of the heroine). The young people met on a bus a little over three years ago. Maria says that it was an accident: neither she nor he planned to get on that particular bus.

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On the bus, a young man approached a girl. In his hands he had a phone with two screens. One of them said: “Hi, let's meet?”

After two months of dating, Maria found out that Stas was still in a relationship with another girl. But that didn't stop her. As Maria says, she was sure from the very beginning that they would be together.

“In the beginning the relationship was very, very difficult. We abandoned each other, once he abandoned me on my birthday, and I constantly forgot about him,” shares Maria.

In the end, everything worked out for the young people: Stas broke up with his girlfriend, they moved in with Maria. They lived together for more than two years.

Some time after the wedding, Sofia and Timur had a son, Denis. At an early age, the boy was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. Denis hardly speaks at all.

Timur's departure due to mobilization turned out to be quite abrupt. First, the family bought a ticket for September 24th. But on the day of departure, the man asked Sofia to give him a memorable family item for the trip. Timur could not cope with his emotions and decided to stay.

“It felt like my brain had been turned off. Everything is in a fog, as if it’s not with me,” Sofia recalls the day the mobilization was announced. “<...> It’s as if we sat on a swing on the 21st and are still riding on it.”

The next day, the man’s friends called and offered to go together, and a ticket was purchased. Timur immediately agreed. She and Sofia quickly packed their things and went to the airport. The father did not even get to say goodbye to his son.

“The child was sleeping, Timur just kissed him and didn’t even... say goodbye to him,” Sofia says with sadness in her voice. — Since Denis was sleeping, he didn’t really understand what happened. But she and her father have a very strong connection. And when we called via video for the first time, Denis was very happy. Timur asked him: “Denis, who am I?” And Denis answered [in a voice]: “Dad.”

As Sofia says, before this Denis almost never talked to anyone by phone or video call. But this time the boy entered into communication.

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She says that the experience was felt not only on an emotional, but also on a physical level. The girl felt as if she was being “kicked.” It was clear that the war was now going on not only in the neighboring country. And after Timur left, the pain only intensified.

“When will we see each other? Is this a permanent move for the whole family or not? There is a fear that they will bomb us, and I am alone with the child - where will I hide? Who can help me? There is no person nearby with whom you are used to sharing experiences and news. All the responsibility, all the worries, repairs, activities with the child, animals (dog and cat), cooking and cleaning, earning money - everything fell on my shoulders,” shares Sofia.

However, at that moment the girl realized: if you need help, you can turn to your friends. They call the girl every day, and relatives came to visit to help Sofia with her affairs.

“Now I feel better. My husband reached a beautiful city, it is one of my favorite cities. I try to change the concept and think that he’s just on vacation,” says the girl.

All the girls say: all the horror began not on September 21, but on February 24, the day the full-scale war began. That morning they woke up to calls from acquaintances and friends. The first phrase at this moment: “Russia attacked Ukraine.”

Maria is Ukrainian. She spent more than half of her life in Ukraine. The girl had a hard time with all the events that happened after February 24th. It was difficult for her to realize that she was now in a state that had invaded her home country.

“When I heard the news about the mobilization, it didn’t hit me as hard as when I woke up at 6:30 a.m. on February 24 and found out that the war had started,” the girl says.

Maria and Stas were preparing to leave the country all this time; the couple had a consistent plan. However, they did not expect everything to happen so suddenly. Discussions about emergency relocation began.

“We were thinking about what to do. In the end, it was Stas’ decision to leave urgently. On the 23rd he called me from work and said that if he didn’t leave now, then there would be no point later. <...> He works in Moscow. In the place where he works, there are two military registration and enlistment offices. All day, from his office window, he saw how many cars with conscripts passed by. On his way to work, he saw many men with summonses. Therefore, he decided to leave immediately. It was noticeably dangerous,” says Maria.

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On the morning of September 21, Svetlana remained calm. She called her husband, who had left for work, and they decided: “It’s time.” The girl put Dmitry’s things in a suitcase and went to the station. So, having wished each other good night on the 20th, the couple met on the 21st at the station to say goodbye for an indefinite period. The couple already had experience of separation - the army. Therefore, the departure itself was easier for the girl to bear. She knew that it was possible to survive this. Svetalana was more worried that Dmitry would not be able to leave the country.

“I mobilize in stressful situations, but when they end, I begin to “withdraw.” For a long time I don’t understand what exactly I feel. And now I'm in this stage. I had one emotional moment. He [the husband] left his desktop computer. I approached him and realized that he was working. And then some kind of realization came to me: he planned that he would return home [from work], he did not turn it off. And I lived for five days with the computer turned on,” says Svetlana.

The girl notes that she feels offended because of everyday things: they haven’t lived in the apartment for even a year, they didn’t finish lasagna together. But Svetlana says: these are banal little things. The war in Ukraine itself, the murders, and repressions in Russia cause more resentment and anger.

Svetlana and Dmitry did not plan to leave Russia. The girl believed that something could and should be changed in the country. She hopes that she and her husband will be able to return to Russia.

“Going to a rally and going to a rally when you could be thrown to the front are two different things. The threat of being in a war, the threat of being against the Ukrainians does not suit anyone in our family,” explains Svetlana.

While the young people are separated, the girl is going to come to her husband. Two pets will also move with her.

“I’m still here, I’m going to transport two cats, and this is a huge pool of questions, money and documents. So I’m still here for a while, and God willing, we won’t burn in atomic fire and the borders won’t be closed.”

For many girls, the principle “first mask on yourself, then on the child” does not work. Now you need to save the man, then yourself, the heroines say. Svetlana supports herself by clearly drawing up a plan for further actions: vaccinations for cats, documents necessary for departure.

“I am in prostration, but there are temporary beacons when something can be done. If you have the strength, opportunity, resources and some kind of desperation, you can do everything possible to disseminate information. It’s always easier to do things in such situations, otherwise you can get very overwhelmed with your emotions,” says Svetlana.

Maria is also going to leave after Stas. She is sure: the young man was destined for her, so they will definitely be together.

“I have a feeling that he left and took all the positive emotions with him. I’m sad, and I can only return the colors of life and acquire new ones when he is next to me,” says Maria.

Sofia has a similar idea: their family will be reunited again. Either the war and mobilization will end and Timur will return to Russia, or she and Denis will come to her husband.

“Maybe a year, maybe two, but we’ll see you. He will be alive. It’s not like he’ll leave now and return in a month in a zinc coffin,” explains Sofia.

The girl advises in this situation not to be afraid to ask for help from loved ones. The main thing now is to maintain your physical and mental health. Where possible, it’s worth distracting yourself: meeting with friends, playing sports, doing something nice for yourself.

“Sometimes you need to exhale. Life goes on. You can just take a walk. And the most important thing is to keep in touch with your loved one,” shares Sofia.

Lady Esther from the novel “Azazel” founded “esternates” - charitable institutions for raising orphans. According to Esther, every child has a talent that needs to be developed. She tried to develop these talents according to the principle “the end justifies the means,” and the eastern schools produced not only talented scientists and politicians, but also professional killers