"The child must say" no "

In order not to miss the main materials of the "cold", subscribe to our Instagram and telegram .

Is it possible to do something so that the child avoid violence?

A child can never be completely safe. If you lock it in an ideal crystal castle, then he will not learn to cope with life difficulties. And even if you let him go two steps away, something can always happen. There are no guarantees that everything will be fine. Accordingly, the question is in a reasonable balance.

To begin with, you can teach children the "rule of underwear": no one has the right to touch him without the consent of the child. This applies to relatives who often want, for example, to pinch his grandson or nephew for a “sweet ass”. Only parents can touch the intimate parts of the body during washing or a doctor in their presence, if you need an examination.

The child should have the right to say no. When his grandfather climbs to kiss him, and the child does not want to do this, it is necessary to support him and remove his grandfather - and let him be offended. If relatives are adequate, you can try to explain to them why you are doing this. Otherwise, if you do not take the side of the child and force him to kiss the relative, we will literally say to him: “You do not manage your body. If the adult wants to do something, then he is more important, and his desires are more important than yours. ” Children should know that if they do not want to hug, kiss or sit on their knees, then they may not do this.

Almost all parents tell their children what they cannot do. For example, you can never leave with a stranger who offers to show a sweet puppy or give sweets. But just prohibiting anything is useless. If something was prohibited, and the child did and survived violence, the reaction of adults can injure the child even more. Typically, in such situations, adults also experience stress, and they turn on the reaction of “Behas”. The brain tries to get rid of pain and throws up options how this could be avoided: for example, the child should not go into the elevator with a stranger. And parents begin to “attack” the children, as if they themselves are to blame for what happened.

Instead of forbidding to go with strangers in the elevator, it is better to tell what needs to be done in such a situation. I advise every parent to play the situation “what”: to lose with the child, that if an uncle approached him on the street and said: “Let's go with me,” you have to shout very loudly: “Move away from me, I don’t know you.” And not just to say: “No, I do not want,” because such a child will be perceived as an capricious on the street and none of the passers -by will save him. We must lose this situation several times. You can ask one of the friends to act as a stranger or play him himself.

In our country, many people still adhere to Soviet education, which was often aimed at ensuring that the child is quiet and obedient - many children, if asked to shout, will not be able to do this. If you want a child to call for help, you need to teach him this.

You can also read the memo on this subject from Lisa Alert.

How to recognize in time that the child has experienced violence? And what to do in this case?

The number of cases of sexualized violence in our society exceeds all reasonable limits. If the child complains about something, it is better to perceive it as the truth. There are stories when my mother gets married for the second time and her daughter tells her that his stepfather touched her by the ass or breasts. Adults often react with the phrase: “What are you inventing?!” It is extremely painful to believe that your loved one turned out to be a monster (or does not understand what the consequences of his action are on the psyche of the child), therefore, protection mechanisms are included.

If violence has already happened, the child may begin to avoid some kind of place or person. Often such cases are a sign of sexualized violence from loved ones. In relation to children, such violence most often occurs in the family. For example, for some reason, the child began to refuse to go to grandparents. It is important to pay attention to this and remember that sexualized violence happens in the most ordinary, “prosperous” families.

Psychologists say that young children who have experienced sexualized violence can appear in the drawings that resembles violence or sex. For example, girls begin to draw male genital organs. I believe that these are signs that need to be paid attention to, it is precisely when they are combined with avoidance, fear or irritation. The drawings themselves can appear simply because the child explores the world: for example, if in the kindergarten they consider each other with other children of the same age. This, by the way, is the norm. But if avoidance and fear is added to these drawings, then you need to try to talk about it - however, keep in mind that in such a conversation intonation and tone will be of great importance.

How to talk with a child about sexualized violence?

In our society, most materials on the topic of sex should be marked “18+”-an age when it is too late to tell something. At the same time, the studies say that in those countries where there is a program of sexword in schools, later the beginning of sexual life occurs. There are fewer early unscheduled pregnancies, and all sexually transmitted diseases are much less common .

There is a cool British cartoon about the offer of a cup of tea. He is that any sexual relationship is like a proposal to drink tea: you can offer him to someone, and a person has the right to agree or refuse. He can refuse tea at the last moment when the cup has already been brought. And if a person is drunk or sleeping, at that moment he cannot want tea. Consent to enter into sexual relations also works.

I can also advise the book “From the diapers to the first dates” - there are examples of how to talk about sexuality with a child of any age. For example, when we change his diapers or bathe it, we call the genitals: penis, vulva, vagina, testicles. This is necessary so that the child does not hesitate to tell parents if harassment or violence happens to him.

At different ages of the child, there may be different suitable moments for conversation: for example, while watching a film with a teenager, where the guy persistently sticks to the girl, we can say: “This is definitely not active agreement” and explain that active consent is when she also reaches for him. This is not just a lack of refusal, but a proactive movement towards a person, reciprocity. I tell my child that sex is a very cool and pleasant activity, but precisely when both partners are ready for this.

Are there any factors that increase the risk of suffering from violence?

Often the victims of sexualized violence are children who do not receive attention and love within the family. In this case, by attention and love, I mean the possibility of accepting the emotions and hobbies of children. “Dressed, shod - and okay” is an insufficient manifestation of concern. Often, striving to obtain affection and care, children fall on the hook of those who show violence towards them. They say phrases like: “This is our secret, do not tell anyone,” thanks to which the child feels his exclusivity, thinks that they love him and trust him. “Something incomprehensible happens, well, okay, but he plays with me. We have such a game, ”the child thinks.

There are forms of behavior and education that increase the risk of violence. For example, the position is that an adult is always right, but a child is not, therefore you need to be obedient. On the one hand, an obedient child is very convenient in everyday life. On the other hand, if the child is inspired that he should obey the elders, then he will obey those who include him towards sexualized violence.

Often in families that are closed from the outside, because “the ICs of the hut from the hut cannot stand it, there are completely no personal boundaries inside, which increases the risk of violence against children. For example, they enter the room without knocking or tearing a blanket with the words: “What are you doing there?” Or, for example, they speak negatively about the appearance of the child, undermining the confidence of the child in himself, or in every possible way touch him with the words: “Well, what is it? I'm your dad. "

Why are children afraid to talk about violence for parents?

The cultural context - public and intra -family - affects the fact that children are afraid to talk about such things. The topics related to sexuality are taboo and perceived as shameful. This is laid for children from birth, and often unconsciously. I well remember the moment from childhood, when my sister and I found a large package of gaskets and asked what it is. Mom adequately reacted and began to answer. She was tuned to spend a certain sex loser and tell us about future menstruation. But at that moment, my sister and I merged sharply from the topic. The feeling that this topic is shameless, prohibited is laid for children from a very young age - if not at home, then in kindergarten.

What to do to parents if the child has already undergone violence?

You must always listen to the child. If he says that he was attacked, it is worth listening to him. It is important not to fall into hysteria and first help yourself, because if you feel panic, you can accidentally blame the child himself.

Sympathy should be expressed. It can be manifested in different ways: when we listen and completely join what the child says, this is a qualitative level of sympathy. It is important not to do this in the form of interrogation. It can also be assumed what emotions the child experienced, for example, to ask: “Must you be very scared?”

I advise parents to act step by step, following the abbreviation Sober: S - Stop (stop); O - observe (observe; rethink what the child said and your perception; see how the child is now looks like where you are and what is happening around); B - Breathe (breathe - a deep breath and slow exhalation); E - Expand (realize; look wider at what has been said and evaluate your task in relation to the child); R - Respond (answer calmly and carefully). If you have trained this skill, there is a chance that you will react calmly and consciously. It is useful not only in a situation of sexualized violence, but also, for example, in the work during the conflict with the boss.