“Then you are on your own”

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What is separation?

Separation is the process of separating a child from its parents. For the first time, a person realizes and expresses his needs at about three years old, saying "I want" and "I myself." But at an early age, parental authority is unconditional: children are ready for anything to be closer to mom and dad and get their attention. New authorities appear only in kindergarten or school: educators, teachers and friends.

Another stage of separation occurs in adolescence: a person begins to defend himself more and more: for example, he closes the door to the room, chooses clothes himself, conflicts with his family. He wants to be part of a group of friends, falls in love and finds a partner - and his parents are not as important as they used to be.

At the age of 18, a person is already considered an adult by law, but this does not mean that the separation will end at the same moment - most often this happens later. And we are not talking about a break with parents: communication with them is important, it just should not be a priority until the end of life, and a person should have the opportunity to become a separate person.

How do you know if you've separated? And why is it important?

If a person continues to live with his parents and financially dependent on them, the separation has not ended. But even if he lives separately and earns enough, he may not separate emotionally: for example, he is not ready to make independent decisions and rely on himself. If you have separated, then you can make your own choice, and not follow the advice of your parents. After all, it often happens that parents of adult children violate their personal boundaries: they interfere in the new family of the child, they teach how to behave with a partner and properly raise children.

Another sign of an incomplete separation is if a person resents their parents for some of the things they did when they were a child. This means that he remains in the position of the child. An adult understands that the mother may have made some mistakes, and he, like her child, has the right to be offended, but resentment should not remain the central feeling in adulthood.

If the separation is not completed, then the person runs the risk of living with his parents all his life or not leaving the role of a child. Some only realize after a long time that it was not he himself, but his parents who chose the university, gave money for an apartment, insisted on a certain area, or did not approve of a potential partner.

Why separation can be slow?

Parents can prevent separation if, for example, there was some kind of loss in the family - one of the children or a spouse died - which they did not fully burn out, because of which they are not ready for a new separation.

Sometimes adults do not want to let go of a child, because it is their meaning of life. Separation is generally more difficult for those who were heavily involved in the upbringing of children. In this case, they often try to keep the child in the family: for example, parents are too concerned about his life, criticize his choice, whether it be work or a partner. Also, adults can influence children with financial support - “I will give money for this, but not for this.”

It can also be difficult for children to separate from their parents. Many people in the parental home have good conditions, you can take money for personal expenses. And in order to separate, you yourself will have to earn for the usual standard of living and separate housing. Therefore, many young people remain financially and, as a result, emotionally dependent on their parents. In addition, it can be scary for them to start living separately - after all, this is a completely new experience.

There is another reason: both children and parents are afraid for each other. Parents are worried that the child will not be able to live independently, and the child - that if he begins to pay less attention to mom and dad, then something bad will happen to them: they will get sick, they will yearn, swear, maybe get divorced.

What should be done to make separation happen?

First of all, you need to learn to separate parental opinions, beliefs and attitudes from your own. For example, if your mom thinks you should clean on Saturdays, you should consider whether you agree with her, and not take it for granted. Ask yourself the question: “Is this belief mine or parental? Is this really my choice?"

In addition, you need to try to build personal boundaries and talk about what you do not like. For example, it is not necessary to call your mother every day, even if she asks: you can call once a week, when both of you have something to tell and it is really interesting to talk. First of all, you should think about your comfort, and not serve the interests of others.

However, one cannot say that all adults do not want to let children out of their tenacious paws: this is not so. Some parents may suffer because children are too attached to them, do not want to leave home and take responsibility.

It is important not to tear the child away from the family in one day: for example, to fully patronize until the age of 30, and then say - "then you yourself." It's like taking it to the middle of the lake and throwing it off the boat. Separation should be gradual. It is also important for parents to remember that when a child has grown up, he can and should make his own decisions. You need to trust children and teenagers what they are able to do, help, but not control, and believe that everything will work out. And if the child does not succeed the first time, do not criticize.