"Waiting for a soldier is a great honor." Why women want to get acquainted with the military

Against the backdrop of the war, VKontakte began to actively develop communities where Russians are trying to get acquainted with the military. In total, there are about 30 such groups, in the most numerous - 23 thousand participants. Since spring, dozens of posts from women from different regions appear in it every day. They publish their photos and tell how far they are ready to leave for the military, what qualities their future spouse should possess and which military unit should belong to. The military themselves write about themselves and their requirements for women in the group.

Why do many women want to get acquainted with the military how they relate to information about the crimes of the Russian army, is it possible to cure stress from war and how did the stories of dating that began in such publics end? Journalists of "Vistuka" talked with dozens of people to find out the answers to these and other questions.

Source : layout

In early October, the special forces of the Russian Guard Alexei Kramorov (the name changed), who recently returned from the “business trip” to Ukraine, got on the Moscow-Perm train and went to advanced training courses. But training was only the reason for the trip. In Perm there lived a girl whom Alexei met on the Internet. Now he wanted to meet her and seriously hoped that they would build a family.

This acquaintance began in August 2022. On the 23rd, a month before the completion of the "business trip", Alex entered the VKontakte in the Army/Dating military group. He posted his photos after the helm of the plane and wrote a short post: "Hello and great mood." Alexey says that in response he wanted to get words of support from girls and feel that someone will be glad to him in his homeland.

The photo was not visible in Alexei's face - there was a helmet on him. Nevertheless, about 270 girls like him, and some wrote to him in personal messages to get acquainted. With one of them-Alina (the name changed), the 28-year-old employee of the MFC from Perm-Alexey began to correspond, and then call up. They began a relationship at a distance.

This went on a month. Alexei talked with Alina in breaks between "combat missions." He says that during this time he managed to see in her a "educated girl", who understood him well. In addition, Alina was from the family of a military pilot - it seemed to Alexei an undoubted dignity.

“Well, almost the perfect person. She cost me soul and heart,” the military says.

Their first meeting was to take place at the Perm station. Alexey was driving in a form that he was proud of, and hoped to impress the girl as he would come out of the car.

But when the train drove Kirov and there were about seven hours to Perm, the military came a message that upset him.

“She wrote to me that she was going to the country with friends and girlfriends, to the bathhouse and barbecue,” says Alexei. At the same time, Alina was still going to see the special forces when he reaches, but she did not manage to come to the platform in advance and wait for him there. The mood of Alexei went bad.

“The former retired Major was traveling with me, and he immediately said to me:“ Brother, they are no longer waiting for you there. Since the girl went with the guys to fry bar, they will fry her, ”Alexey recalls.

He went to the platform at 5:17 am local time - in uniform, as he planned. Around there were people who were in a hurry to meet passengers to the train, but no one was waiting for Alexei. He asked the passerby how to get out of the station, he pointed to the underground transition. Having passed through him, Alexei called Alina. She said that he would go by taxi now.

The car soon appeared. But the girl who came out of her, according to Alexei, was different from the one he saw in the photographs and which he fell in love while he was on a “business trip”.

“The photo was thin, slender,” he recalls. - And then a lush, cheekstenic one arrived. When she just got out of the car, I was in shock. Even some adrenaline felt. But then he approached her, hugged, kissed. And he asked: "Why did you not meet on the platform?"

And I love the military - beautiful, hefty

In the spring in VKontakte, activity in groups for acquaintances with the military has sharply increased. At the beginning of the year, several posts a month were published in such communities. But after the military invasion of the Russian army to Ukraine, publications began to appear daily.

Girls post their photos in the group and write what relationships they are looking for. Most often, they indicate the preferred age of a soldier whom they want to get to know, talk about their qualities and how they relate to business trips and move to other regions.

“I promise care and affection,” writes Catherine, a resident of Ivanovo (in the post she recalls that it is a “city of brides”).

According to her, in the past she had a long relationship with the officer, but they ended unsuccessfully, and now she wants to meet a "really decent, good and worthy defender of the homeland" from 30 years.

Agnes from Nizhny Novgorod in the post admits that it does not "be glued" with civilians. Her "aura" of people in form, so she considers as the future spouse an employee of power structures strictly from 34 years. “Calm and loyal, feminine outwardly and in character, hysteria and scandals are not mine,” she says about herself.

Victoria from St. Petersburg writes that he works as an engineer at the factory with a rotational basis, but in the period between the watch is ready to "be anywhere in the world." She wants to build relationships with a military man under 35.

Men are usually more concise. Basically, they publish short posts about themselves and attach photos in uniform or with weapons. Those who are in Ukraine or recently returned from the "business trips", as a rule, cover their faces in the photographs of emoticons.

Vladimir from the Chelyabinsk region, "who knows how to appreciate and love his soul mate," is looking for the one that will be ready to "start everything from scratch and forget the past."

The volunteer Denis immediately reports that he does not feed the illusions to find "a virgin-beregin to create a family." But he wants female affection, especially before the next "business trip on his own."

“I bought all the money for all the money and a body kit for a machine gun, so the meeting for a gift will not work,” he warns. - Unfortunately, there is no time for a long correspondence before leaving, in the coming days, the place is Krasnodar or Grozny.

Muscovite George, an officer of law enforcement agencies, says that in his free time he loves to go to nature and listen to bird singing. "I would really like female warmth, sincere love, attention, care, support. Wife is a man of a man, and a man is a family armor!" - He writes and adds that his "hope for happiness dies and his hands fall."

According to the administrator of the group “Acquaintance with the military. We don’t leave our own”, every guy after publishing a post about himself “according to statistics” receives messages from at least 150 girls.

In the nine months of the war, the groups, where women get acquainted with the military, turned into full -fledged community. Participants ask for advice from each other and discuss acute topics. For example, they arrange a survey to check how many community members would be ready to connect their lives with a man from PMCs. They discuss how to cope if the military behaves unusually after a difficult business trip and drinks a lot. They are divided by new military songs and videos in support of the Russian army. Congratulations to men on professional holidays, for example, on the day of the peacekeeper.

Anna Volkova, a technologist of mechanical engineering, who now calls himself a matchmaker, became the creator and head of the most numerous community for dating the military. Moderation in her group is configured so that girls can lay out posts about themselves only after they make a donation.

All the money, according to Pavlov, goes to advertising dating groups in communities where the military communicate. She explains that since the beginning of the "special operation", such an advertisement has gone significantly. “The more advertising, the more chances everyone has to find a soul mate. We do everything possible to attract new participants, check everyone who throws fasting, to the reality of the photo,” Anna writes and asks those who are not ready to “help”, do not waste her time.

The minimum donat is 300 rubles. Paying for the publication of the post, some girls leave comments to community administrators. “Maybe I am lucky! (Although I can’t believe it). Prosperity,” one of the participants signs his transfer of 300 rubles.

"Loader" wrote dozens of women from the three largest dating groups to find out how they imagine ideal relationships and why they want to build them with the military.

"You can't sit out"

Marina Simonova from the Far East is convinced: the military is not looking at life like civilian people. They are more courageous and brave, more expensive than their relationship and family. “It’s not scary with them in this cruel world, they will always close you with their backs,” she says.

Once in the group, she met a man and the very next day he came to her with a bouquet, although they live in different cities.

In October, her new acquaintance was taken to war. Marina continues to correspond with him and believes that after returning they will be able to build a happy relationship.

“I realized that this is a person with whom you can plan the future when he wrote:“ Tomorrow I will be with you, ”the girl says. - I went out of the entrance - stands a guy with flowers. Now, when we cannot see each other, he writes every time: "I will be back, I have for someone to return."

Diana (the name changed) from the Khanty-Mansi Autonomous Okrug, before joining the dating group, consisted in relations with a militia from a self-proclaimed LPR. In August, he died. Diana says that he is heavily experienced by loss, but today he feels that she is ready for new acquaintances.

To the post about herself, she attached three photos. On them, she poses in T -shirts with a St. George ribbon in the form of the letter Z and with the emblem of Russia.

Diana says that since childhood she considered a military uniform a symbol of masculinity and this grew into an interest in men who associated life with armed forces. In addition, she believes that the military loves "many times stronger" if they wait for them correctly.

“When a man in the war is a thin thread, there is always a risk of not returning,” Diana argues. - It is a pity that sometimes this thread is torn. But waiting for a soldier is a great honor for a woman.

Elizaveta Sharypova from Novosibirsk says he does not see a simple manager, banker or builder in the role of his husband. She decided to take a closer look at those who risk themselves and whose profession "speaks for themselves."

“There is no longer the love who will not put his soul for his own,” she quotes the Gospel. The woman also believes that now the readiness for military work has become a particularly valuable quality in people. “Previously, everyone simply served on a contract and received money for it, but now you need to die for the country, children, parents. It will not work to sit out,” she says.

According to Elizabeth, to enter into relations with the military turned out to be more difficult than she thought. Since she published a post about herself, she managed to start communication with only one man. He promised her that after the end of the "business trip" to Ukraine would come to her city.

Elizabeth liked to communicate with him, but she worries that the relationship may not work out - even before leaving for the front, the man began to periodically disappear and not respond to the message for a long time.

“Maybe because I was looking for and looking, but I need to let go and live,” she suggests. - I don’t know where to go to find "him."

A 25-year-old strikbolist from Moscow under the pseudonym Punisher Black says that he wants to meet a serviceman who looked like her father-colonel. As a child, she spent a lot of time with dad, despite the fact that her parents had long been divorced. They watched military films together, and since then her favorite cinema - "Brest Fortress".

Punisher Black thinks that the most difficult thing in family relations with the military is the eternal business trip. But she is ready to put up with them.

- Many people ask the question: "Do you need the one who does not happen at home, who works all the holidays, whom they constantly pull?"

And I answer: yes, I need him. I am ready to wait for a person as much as you like and I will always know that he is at work, and does not walk, ”says the athlete.

It is also important for her to protect her. According to her, if she is suddenly captured, the future boyfriend can kill anyone for her. "Anyone who touches his miracle is a girl." And this thought soothes her.

The demand for masculinity

"Vilest" showed these and many other answers of girls from groups for dating to the sociologist and gender researcher Irina Tartakovskaya. The collective portrait of the military, which women describe it, in terms of characteristics corresponds to the traditional type of masculinity, she says.

“Women represent the ideal man as a defender, a warrior, a man with a gun - a word, a security forces,” the sociologist explains. - In modern society - a highly developed society of the late XX century - such power masculinity began to give up positions and yield to expert masculinity. This type includes, for example, IT -CHILDS, scientists - people who do not go with guns and do not fight so well, but have an examination and receive a prestigious status in society. Demand for such men in Russia and now has not gone anywhere, but the power form of masculinity is still popular. And now her star hour has come.

Tartakovskaya believes that recently the military has become very noticeable and therefore more interesting for many as potential partners. And if in a peaceful society the tasks of a person in the army may not be clear, despite his high employment, now questions are removed to his work. At least for that part of society that believes that in Ukraine the Russian military "protect their homeland."

“It is clear what he does,” he is fighting. And this type of masculinity is finally revealed. A fighting real man is a hero for many. And such a person, of course, is more attractive in romantically than the one who just goes to work in some kind of military structure and does not make feats, ”says the sociologist.

The main thing in a woman is fidelity

For most military personnel who leave posts in dating groups, the main quality in a woman is fidelity. All the men with whom they managed to talk "in the mile" is important that the girl or spouse put to put up with constant business trips is able to wait and at the same time be sincere.

The soldier Ruslan of flights from Zelenodolsk rejoices that society has become more to notice men who "on the front line protect their homeland from evil spirits."

At the same time, he communicates with potential partners carefully. According to him, if a girl from the group for dating writes to him, he immediately tries to ask her questions that will help to identify her “true goals”. He clarifies what exactly in him attracted her, what kind of man she wants to see next to her, whether he can accept his business trips and keep him loyalty.

Ruslan says that, having received answers to these questions, he often understands that there is no point in continuing the conversation, because the girl is not “the same”.

23-year-old Oleg Smirnov (the name changed) says that he serves in the army a sniper and wants from the relationship of "stability, fidelity and sincerity." But so far, women who are not at all suitable for him are mostly trying to get to know him. “I am written by those who already have grandchildren, women of 40-50 years old. This is too much, I think,” he says.

Special forces Alexei fears that some women want to get to know them because of large payments and only portray admiration for a military profession.

- Girls are on what? He argues. -Firstly, a military man is a status. Secondly, this is a injury of three million rubles. If it dies, more. When we began to enter the zone of a special military operation and announced that the military would pay fabulous money, the girls thought: "The guy would come home to the rich!"

Participants in VKontakte groups say that they do not have mercenary motives. But some of them honestly say that they would like to meet a man from prestigious troops. In posts, they often immediately indicate this.

For example, 31-year-old Valeria Arkhipova from Magadan believes that he can love a person from the Sobr or GRU. However, she is ready to reconsider her requirements. The main thing is to meet the "only", in which she will "sleep on her chest with a kalachik like a kitten." She herself is the head of the quick response group in the security and pensioner FSIN. She wants to meet a man with whom she finally feels "weak and fragile."

Alina from Novosibirsk from a young age dreams of becoming the wife of a military personnel of the Airborne Forces. She is trying to get acquainted with the paratroopers in the VKontakte group, because "she does not see another opportunity."

A strikbolist with the nickname Punisher Black would like to meet a guy from the Russian Guard or OMON. In her opinion, in these troops there are many young men who look older than their age. She watched the work of riot police and Rosgvardists at rallies and believes that the security forces never come into conflict with anyone themselves, and those who complain of their cruelty actually “intentionally provoke” and then “whine”.

Мария Сергеева (имя изменено) из Москвы говорит, что мужчина из ОМОНа и Росгвардии, наоборот, никогда не станет её женихом, потому что это "не так престижно". Она считает, что в эти подразделения берут всех. Сама Мария работает в государственной структуре и говорит, что у неё на работе росгвардейцы выполняют роль охранников. Она предпочла бы встречаться с мужчиной из ФСБ или Службы внешней разведки. Мария добавляет, что мужчина в форме – это "престижно, красиво, сердито и мужественно".

Недавно она записалась на курсы младшей медсестры. В свободное от работы время она планирует заниматься волонтёрством в госпиталях и помогать военнослужащим. Правда, она говорит, что встретить среди них свою судьбу особенно не рассчитывает. Общаясь в паблике для знакомств с военными, она поняла, что её требования к потенциальному партнёру довольно высоки.

– Из 100 мужчин, которые мне написали после публикации поста о себе, я ни одного не смогла рассмотреть для серьёзных отношений. Большинство были из посёлков, деревень. Мне тяжело, когда я обеспеченнее или умнее мужчины. Грубо, зато честно, – говорит она.

101 роза, кольцо с бриллиантом и плюшевый медведь

Алексей Краморов – спецназовец, который поехал в Пермь к любимой и увидел, что она не похожа на свои фото, – быстро понял, что и по характеру Алина отличается от той девушки, которую он себе представлял.

Выяснилось, что она любит проводить время в компании друзей, пьёт, курит и не скрывает этого – в первый же день она не постеснялась послать Алексея за сигаретами.

Впрочем, теперь он вспоминает, что ещё до их встречи в Перми Алина иногда неприятно его удивляла. Например, ему не понравилось, когда девушка сказала, что хочет пойти в клуб с подругами.

– Я сказал ей, что некрасиво ходить в клуб, когда твой молодой человек находится в командировке, – говорит Алексей. – Туда нужно ходить с молодым человеком или с мужем – только со своим мужчиной. А если девушка одна, то кто отстоит её честь? Подруги? No, of course.

Но, хотя выяснилось, что Алина не соответствует представлениям Алексея об идеальной девушке, он говорит, что всё равно испытывал к ней чувства и не расставался с планами построить с ней семью.

На второй день в Перми Алексей купил букет из 101 розы, плюшевого медведя и кольцо с бриллиантом. После этого он отправился к Алине, делать ей предложение руки и сердца.

Она сначала обрадовалась большому букету, но потом поняла, что военный зовёт её замуж, и настроение у неё резко изменилось, вспоминает Алексей. Выяснилось, что она не относилась к их роману настолько серьёзно. Молодые люди поссорились, и Алина выставила спецназовца с вещами из квартиры. Букет и плюшевого медведя Алексей оставил девушке, а кольцо забрал с собой.

Ночевал он на вокзале, чтобы уехать домой ближайшим поездом. Ему не хотелось оставаться в Перми, где он мог в любой момент столкнуться с бывшей возлюбленной. Вернувшись домой, Алексей положил помолвочное кольцо в бардачок машины, чтобы оно не напоминало ему о расставании.

Через неделю Алина призналась Алексею, что у неё давно есть парень и ей было просто интересно проверить, способен ли военный приехать к ней из другого города. "Как офицеру мне было реально обидно, – говорит Алексей. – Я любил этого человека даже на расстоянии. Но плохой опыт – хороший опыт".

В Москве Алексею пришлось "краснеть перед командиром дивизии" и объяснять, почему он раньше времени оставил курсы повышения квалификации – ведь на службе он сказал, что едет в Пермь учиться. Командир отнёсся к молодому человеку с пониманием и предложил ему пройти эту программу в Москве. Он благодарен старшим коллегам за поддержку.

"Нечего бояться"

Ни одна из 15 девушек, с которыми удалось пообщаться, не переживает о том, в каком эмоциональном состоянии может вернуться мужчина после боевых действий. Также они не задумываются о том, какие поступки военные могли совершать на фронте и как этот опыт отразится на близких отношениях. К тому же некоторые убеждены, что самочувствие вернувшегося с войны мужчины будет зависеть от женщины, которая находится рядом.

В разговоре с одной из девушек, мечтающей о любви с военным, Анной, журналистка "Вёрстки" упомянула публикации о военных преступлениях российской армии в отношении мирных жителей Украины. Но Анна сказала, что не видела никаких свидетельств своими глазами. "Говорят, кур доят", – написала она.

Диану из Ханты-Мансийского автономного округа тоже не беспокоит эмоциональное состояние военных. Она была бы готова начать отношения с мужчиной, который скоро отправится на территорию Украины или находится там прямо сейчас.

– Есть риск, что человек может вернуться с травмой, с инвалидностью – что ж он, разве перестаёт быть человеком? – рассуждает Диана. – Риск и в обычной жизни есть. У каждого из нас свой срок. Я не боюсь того, что могут произойти какие-то изменения с психикой. Всё это проходит при должной поддержке и любви женщины. Нечего бояться.

Психолог Станислав Хоцкий объясняет: хотя девушки уверены в исцеляющем действии любви, если человек побывал на войне и вернулся с ПТСР (посттравматическое стрессовое расстройство, т.е. психическое расстройство, которое может возникнуть когда человек испытал воздействие травмирующего события. – СР) построить с ним отношения может быть очень тяжело, и никакое "правильное" поведение в такой ситуации не поможет. Большинство симптомов посттравматического стрессового расстройства связаны с проблемами в эмоциональной сфере, поэтому они с высокой вероятностью будут влиять на формирование близости в паре.

– Человек может быть повышенно раздражён, а может, наоборот, дистанцироваться и особо не проявлять эмоций, – говорит Хоцкий. – Он страдает на наших глазах: то его мучают страшные воспоминания, то ему никак не уснуть. Он может быть склонен негативно воспринимать себя и мир вокруг – это значимый фактор для развития отношений. Также ПТСР, конечно, ведёт к увеличению числа деструктивно-агрессивных поступков и насильственных действий, в том числе по отношению к близким. Люди часто защищаются через идею, будто бы достаточно умело уклоняться от ударов и правильно себя вести, чтобы не попасть в травматическую ситуацию. Но это миф, который формируется в культуре насилия, и ложная ответственность. Сегодня для того, чтобы агрессор не захотел напасть, ему нужно одно, а завтра — другое.

По словам психолога, в сбалансированном здоровом эмоциональном состоянии не может хотеться туда, где тебя могут убить или где тебе придётся убивать.

– Но людям с определённым опытом и трудностями может быть в каком-то смысле проще находиться в военной обстановке. Там понятно, где свои, а где чужие, что делать, как обеспечить собственную продуктивность, эффективность, безопасность даже. Возвращаясь домой, военный попадает в среду, где огромная конкуренция, где всё меняется и вообще непонятно, как жить и как чувствовать свою значимость и ценность, – поясняет Хоцкий.

Ещё один участник пабликов для знакомств – снайпер Олег Смирнов – рассказывает, что служит в офицерской группе и ему приходится выполнять такие задачи, после которых "человеком тяжело вернуться". Тем не менее он говорит, что не наблюдал ПТСР ни у одного из своих товарищей. По его мнению, среди офицеров больше людей с крепкой психикой.

Олег говорит, что после участия в боевых действиях даже почувствовал, что его самооценка стала выше.

– Я спасал жизни военных, своих знакомых, – говорит он. – Есть такой фактор, как социальная полезность, и мой КПД стал выше. Я был на Украине с февраля по август, а с 8 ноября я опять туда заезжаю.

На вопрос, как ощущает себя военный, когда он стреляет в человека, ответил: "Честно – никак".

– Если не ты, то тебя, – говорит он. – Я как снайпер скажу так: при стрельбе в противника я чувствую только отдачу оружия и больше ничего.

По его словам, он стреляет, чтобы в его стране "войны не было".

Олегу 23 года, и у него пока не было опыта серьёзных отношений. Но он надеется, что где-то встретит девушку, которую он себе "рисует в образах", верную и искреннюю. Она станет ему женой и будет ждать его из командировок.

– Настоящая любовь – это когда после возвращения с войны мужчина окажется для женщины тем же самым, – верит Олег. – Или даже лучше.