This world is no longer like a place where you want to raise children

Some Russians postpone parenthood or completely refuse it. This is due to the war in Ukraine, but everyone has different

Due to the pandemic and an unstable economy, pregnancy planning in recent years has not been an easy process. And now everything has become even worse: many have ceased to feel safe and changed their plans. These include the decision to have a child - despite the fact that some may not be able to give birth later. "Cold" talked with women who were in such a situation.

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Forced emigrants no longer want to give birth to children. Priority - preserve your psychological state

The 32-year-old Elizabeth from Kemerovo has a daughter Varya, who will soon turn five years old. Almost immediately after the birth of her daughter, he and her husband began to discuss the second child: they wanted the children to have a slight age difference. “For the first two years, I was restored after childbirth, then I sat with my daughter in isolation of the house due to coronavirus restrictions,” says Elizabeth. “It was difficult and anxious, but I still kept some children's things“ for later ”and hoped that we would soon have a second child.” Elizabeth and her husband decided that they would begin to seriously discuss the second pregnancy when they had their own housing.

At the beginning of 2022, the family moved from Kemerovo to St. Petersburg, having accumulated money for the initial mortgage contribution. “We saved for about three years. But because of the sanctions [which were imposed on Russia due to hostilities in Ukraine], we lost most of the savings: the cost of the securities that we invested in has fallen, and then it became impossible to withdraw money, ”says Elizabeth. The money that the family remained, they spent on a new move - from Russia to Georgia. “My health has worsened, I began to drink antidepressants,” says Elizabeth. “We were in a difficult situation without the help of grandmothers and close friends.”

About 60% of the family budget at Elizabeth and her husband is now going to pay for the kindergarten and circles for her daughter, so they postponed thoughts about the birth of a second child for an indefinite period. “To grow Varia in a healthy atmosphere, not to move and keep my family with my mind - I don’t dream about something else now,” Elizabeth says.

39-year-old Natalya from Moscow says that she and her husband went to become parents for a long time. At first they could not conceive a child, then Natalia was treated for several years. With her husband, she chose the clinic for IVF-in 2022 they planned to do this procedure.

“We also graduated from the school of foster parents and prepared for this option. And then the war broke out, ”says Natalia. - For three quarters I am a Ukrainian, so my first impulse was a desire to give birth at all costs. I believed that future Ukraine needs my children. But my psychological state worsened, and behind it is also physical. ”

After the start of mobilization, Natalia and her husband left Russia to Moldova. “We realized that we stopped enough oxygen for life,” says Natalia. - Half of my family remains in Ukraine or moved to Europe and now lives in the status of refugees. The second half is in deep injury. This is very difficult, we are just surviving now, no matter how pathetic it may sound. ”

Natalya says that she and her husband decided not to return to Russia, and the plans to have a child will probably never come true. “I understand that I can no longer withstand the IVF procedure either psychologically or physically. The adoption was also covered: we do not want to go to Russia only for him. In addition, this world is no longer like a place where you want to raise children. They need mentally strong and resource parents, and we are no longer such people, ”Natalya believes.

Demographers are expected to note the decline in the birth rate in Russia. But this is happening for more than a year

According to Rosstat, in 2022, the number of babies born in Russia fell by 6.7% compared to the previous year: almost 97 thousand children were born less than in 2021. But the birth rate indicators have decreased earlier: the fall began in 2015, while more sharp jumps occurred. For example, in 2017, 11% of childrenwere born less than in 2016.

The decrease in the birth rate is affected by many reasons, but, according to the demographer Igor Efremov, the main factor is a reduction in people's income. “In principle, postponing the birth of a child is not such a big tragedy, if then there is an opportunity to do this. That is, if the family planned to give birth to a child and decided to postpone it for two years, then in most cases this is still possible, ”Efremov believes. - Therefore, the most critical question is how long the situation will last in which people will be forced to postpone the birth of children? If it lasts for at least a couple of years, then this will already be an irreparable blow to the birth rate. ”

Demographer Alexei Raksha says that the beginning of hostilities in Ukraine influenced the desire of people to give birth to children not as much as the mobilization announced on September 21. As this will affect the fertility, it can be seen according to the data for June and July 2023.

Those who remained in Russia also do not dare to have children

Emigration is not the only reason to postpone parenthood. 33-year-old Margarita from Omsk decided not to give birth to a child, although before the war she dreamed of it. “My husband and I have been married for four years, the last two of them we have been conducting conscious conversations about children. In 2022, we planned to undergo medical examinations and start attempts, already invented the names of both the boy and the girl, ”she says.

The beginning of hostilities equally shocked both Margarita and her husband, but it turned out that they thought differently about raising the unborn child. “The husband is convinced that he will be able to influence the worldview of the child and will not allow the growing person to perceive what is happening as the norm. And I do not believe that parents can have a greater impact on the formation of views than school and environment, ”says Margarita. Now she is not ready to give birth to a child who will live "in such a world and specifically in Russia."

Margarita has always dreamed of a comfortable future for a child: so that he could study at a good university, travel around the world without regard to public norms. But now the family will not be able to provide this. “I ask my husband to leave conversations about the child so far. But I'm afraid that we will have to come to terms with the fact that we will continue only together. I am soon 34 years old, perhaps after some time I can no longer give birth, ”says Margarita.

The 42-year-old Tatyana from Perm before the war also had big plans for the future: she built them with a man with whom she had a relationship. “We were in no hurry, but did not slow down, and discussed, including the birth of children,” she says.

According to Tatyana’s stories, with the outbreak of war in Ukraine, she “crashed literally everything”: hopes for the future, relations with friends who supported the war. “But the worst is different views with a man. We parted, it was my initiative, ”says Tatyana. -I cannot imagine myself next to a person who justifies the death of civilians with some “high goals”. Now for me the question of children is not worth it. ”

Tatyana argues that in the country “with the zero value of life” to give birth and raise children scary. “I am horrified by how education changes in schools. Marches, military training, says Tatyana. “The birth of a child before was not an end in itself for me, but now even more so.”

It becomes more difficult to plan children. How much depends on your personality

“After February 24, 2022, it became much harder to plan something for a long or average term, I notice it by clients,” says psychologist Marina Kozina. - For many, the picture of the world has changed radically, there was a much less understanding of what to rely on when planning. Will there be income? Where will we live? Will we be safe? When there are no clear answers to these and other vital questions, of course, to think about the birth of children becomes more difficult. ”

Or maybe otherwise: crisis events (the death of a relative or military operations) become a trigger for a person, and he will overshadow that there is nowhere to postpone his plans and dreams. “To someone, the events of 2022 helped to understand that he wants to be realized in something else, besides parenthood, and the birth of a child is not his true desire, but a socially imposed construct. And someone, on the contrary, realized that he wanted to be a parent, this is a very important value for him, ”says Kozina.

In her opinion, modern society is more calm about the idea of ​​a delayed pregnancy or even to the decision not to have children at all. Previously, if the young family did not start a child, it was socially non -normative, but now the attitude is changing.

The person becomes a parent or not, many different factors are influenced by a person: what kind of person you are, what is your character, what values ​​and personality characteristics, how important parenthood is for you in general.

“A person can be very alarming, but if he consists in strong and reliable relationships, this helps him easier to decide on parenthood,” Kozina explains. “At the same time, a less alarming person, but one who feels his relationship as unreliable may refuse to decide the child or postpone him for another period.”

Some couples are decided on the birth of children. Yes, no matter what

Some couples are still decided to give birth to children no matter what. 33-year-old Anna from Karelia says that she and her husband are trying to conceive a child from April 2021. “The events of February 2022 did not affect my desire to become pregnant. Of course, I had anxieties, but we talked with my husband and agreed that they always give birth, at any time, ”says Anna. “I would get pregnant first: while we are trying, maybe [military operations] will end.”

Anna says that he and her husband cannot leave the country. “At least we cannot break so sharply as people left in 2022. It all ends, ”she says. - And this will end too. Recently, everyone was shaking because of Covid, where is this Covid now? When mobilization began, everyone was in a panic. Several months have passed, now everyone is calm. We are alone at home - I think we must try to live no matter what. Physiology and medicine are still not unlimited. ”

Anastasia and Andrei, who live in Moscow, decided not to postpone the birth of a child. They got married just on February 24, 2022. The wedding was planned in advance when no one knew about the beginning of hostilities in Ukraine.

“Immediately after the wedding, I found out that I was expecting a child. I really wanted a girl, since Andrei already has two sons from his first marriage, ”says Anastasia. For her, this was the first and long -awaited pregnancy. In November, the couple had a daughter, she was called a world.