"They wrote:" You will pay more a doctor, he will make you more diagnoses ""

Blogger Polina Titova - about life with four mental disorders and bullying on the Internet

The 27-year-old Polina Titova made four diagnoses: bulimia, bipolar and borderline personality disorder, as well as a complex PTSD. She created a blog where she talks about how to live with them, draws illustrations and sells things in a small showroom. This year, Polina found out that she was being poisoned on the Internet for writing on her blog. She told her History "Cold".

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In 2018, when I was 23 years old, I worked on shifts at the Yamal LNG plant. I studied at the University of Oil and Gas for a lawyer and decided that I had to work in my specialty. Then for several months I became very productive. At work, I could not sit, constantly danced, spoke loudly, I wanted to laugh, joke. I felt capable of everything at all. It seemed to me that for the first time in all these years-and from the age of 16 I felt that something was wrong with me-it became easier for me. In fact, it turned out that this is not a relief, but a manifestation of a diagnosis: I had, as I later found out, a manic episode of a bipolar disorder.

Gradually, I began to lose the trick: I could not be attentive, became irritable. I have strange thoughts, for example, that I am a celebrity and everyone knows me. After a few months of euphoria, a depressive episode occurred. It was not possible to work, but they didn’t give me a day off: the work on the watch lasts 30 days (in fact, according to the law, in such cases, the weekend should be. - Approx. “Cold”) . And in general, then it seemed to me that I simply did not have enough willpower and you just need to pull myself together.

[Bipolar disorder] developed before the eyes of my colleagues, many of whom are foreigners. Among them, the level of enlightenment in terms of mental features was significantly higher than in Russian society. The French colleagues told me that perhaps I needed help, and advised that you can read about mental disorders. When I felt very bad, I began to google and excitedly read about it. As a result, I flew to Moscow from the watch and went to psychiatrists. I went to three doctors who agreed on three diagnoses: bipolar affective disorder, borderline personality disorder and bulimia.

When I found out about my diagnoses, this was the answer to many questions. For a long time, I did not understand how to cope, how to pull myself out and why others can, but I can’t, why people can do something stably, enjoy life and not fall into such pits, but I do not. When I found out the name of what was happening to me, I realized that everything was always fine with me, I just had some features. After that, a feeling of guilt went away, because before I was influenced by society, where it was customary to draw and not give up.

In 2021, I was made another diagnosis-complex post-traumatic stress disorder (KPTSR)-due to long-term psychological violence by the pope. When I entered the university, I lived with him for seven years. My dad is a military man. He could not find himself in a different area, so he had all this on me, tried to control my diet, as I dress, what I do, who should be. There was no physical violence, but what he did was terrible. Any everyday problems ended with my tantrums. He brought me to such states when I was no longer in myself: I broke the door with my foot, beat myself, cut it. For example, he checked the dishes that I washed. If I washed something badly, he could bring a mug to my face: "Look."

When I graduated from the university, I flew to work on Yamal, partly to hide from dad. There I accumulated a mortgage: by that time I got married and we wanted to live with my husband. When I returned, we began to make repairs in a new apartment, so we lived with dad three. While my husband was at work, I tried not to be at home: I walked along the street, sat in a cafe to return home with him. In early 2019, we began terrible scandals, so one night my husband and I collected things and left for an empty apartment. The next morning, dad called and said: “Do you think you could hide from me? I still know your address. ”

I knew that my dad would never hit me, but due to what had happened all these years, I have not left home for a month. At that moment, I did not know what psychological violence was, and I thought that the matter is in me: it was necessary to do more so that dad was pleased. After I was diagnosed with KPTSR, I stopped communicating with my dad for six months. It took time, therapy, and we managed to regain communication, we made peace.

"Polina, you need to be patient"

In 2016, I contacted the NIS of food at Kashirk to a psychiatrist because I already thought that I had bulimia, and the doctor, just hearing my suspicions, did not ask further questions and wrote me a broth from pills, because of which I felt very bad. As another doctor explained to me later, I was prescribed incompatible drugs.

The first psychiatrist, in which I was treated for two years, said that I needed drug treatment. But because of the experience, I immediately began to refuse to drink pills when I found out about new diagnoses. Then the psychiatrist said something like: “Let us meet you next week and talk again.” The next time I came to the reception with the understanding that I really need drug therapy. I was in a heavy depressed episode. Probably, this was one of the worst stages - to decide to receive pills. It is very difficult to choose therapy: one drug, for example, smooths one symptom, but enhances the other, so you need to add another drug that will also improve one thing, but will hit in another way. This path is the hardest, and it does not stop. The selection of drugs and the adjustment of dosages occur constantly.

Bipolar disorder is an incurable disease, so drugs must always be drunk. And you need to be ready for this: access to remission is possible, but this is a very long way.

I did not get better at all at all. The psychiatrist repeated the phrase throughout the treatment: "Polina, we must be patient." I suffered because I did not know that it might be otherwise. It seems like I functioned, even continued to work, but I was very bad. I did not fly to manic episodes, but I did not get out of the depressive.

Bipolar affective disorder (bar) is episodic mood disorders that occur due to manic and mixed episodes in the case of type I bar or hypomanic episodes in the case of Bar II type . They usually alternate with depressive episodes. The manic episode without treatment lasts at least a week and is expressed in euphoria, increased activity or subjective sensation of increased energy that accompany such symptoms as fast speech, “flight of ideas”, increased self -esteem, reducing the need for a dream, impulsive behavior. The hypomanic episode is expressed in a similar way, but in a less extreme form, and although it affects the mood, behavior and level of human energy, does not violate ordinary life. The mixed episode involves the presence of several pronounced manic and depressive symptoms that either occur simultaneously or alternate very quickly - during the day or day after day. Such an episode without treatment lasts at least two weeks.

Many drugs are gaining weight. Since I had bulimia, the fear of weight gain was terrible, namely this happened. Side effects, of course, are inevitable, but it is important to take into account the power of their manifestation. I had a lot of too strong manifestations, but I suffered. I was afraid to change the doctor, I was afraid that I would have to start treatment again.

In 2021, I had a new psychotherapist. She asked about the psychiatrist how she heals me, and at some point she said that it should not be so and that it was better to change the doctor. It turned out that it was generally impossible to endure what I had endured all this time. The therapist prompted me a new psychiatrist - thanks to him I went to remission.

The most difficult thing to me with a borderline personality disorder, even now. It is difficult for me to understand my emotions, it is difficult to regulate them, it is difficult to experience loneliness, I have a constant feeling of emptiness. For example, if a person with PR is angry, this is a take-off to an incredible extreme: you can start screaming, lose touch with reality, harm yourself, and if others come to your arm, you can also say something to them. Such jumps occur every day. This is constant walking on thin ice.

Borderline personality disorder (PRL) - a disorder , which is characterized by a tendency to instability, hypersensitivity in interpersonal relationships, unstable self -esteem, mood vibrations and impulsivity. One of the main symptoms of people with PRL is a sense of lack of meaning of life and the inability to gain it despite any attempts. Often people with this disorder bring self-confusion to experience at least some emotions.

Now I clearly know the manifestations of my diagnoses. Of course, I feel safer and stronger, despite the fact that there are rollbacks. Until 2022, treatment went uphill, but recent events hit all.

"I have to start talking about everything openly"

Back in 2018, when I was diagnosed, I decided to make a blog. She talked about her path, features of diagnoses, about how to help people with mental disorders. I wanted people who see that their relatives are bad to remain indifferent and know how to support them.

At the university, I was very active and I had a large circle of acquaintances. When I sharply began to write in my account that all these years I was sick, instead of uploading photos from travel, as usual, people began to unsubscribe. Moreover, these were people whom I personally know with whom I studied. The people whom I considered friends wrote to me: “You make up, everyone has such problems, you pay more to the doctor, he will make you more diagnoses.”

In fact, I was ready for this, because at that time it was already visible who really supports me no matter what, and who does not need reasons to hurt. So I understood that there would be people who will not understand or would not want to understand. I had a feeling that I should start talking about everything openly, and I calmly suffered the fact that many people both unsubscribed in social networks and stopped communicating in ordinary life.

At first I wrote about the manifestations of diagnoses, and then I began to draw a little bit - at the university I worked as a graphic design. So I began to make illustrations about mental disorders. Somehow it grew into the fact that with my husband we started a small project: we sold cards, stickers. At first it was a kind of merit, and then my friend and I opened the showroom of local brands. I completely went into this because I realized that my health does not allow me to work the way I worked before.

"Not just condemnation, but a triumph of hatred"

After February 24, 2022, they began to condemn me for apolitics, for not being expressed. I did not do this not because everything is indifferent to me or I hide my position, but because I tried to maintain my blog as a space where people would feel safety. Although, of course, I wanted to scream about a lot. Then some stuffing to direct, where they wanted death, began, threatened. I understood that now this is happening with many, and just perplexed. But then several times they tried to hack my pages, there were bots attacks, and also came messages, where it was written: "There are many of us who hate you."

In early January 2023, the husband stumbled upon the "Forum of the Nasikomky Community", where it was written about me. It turned out that in June last year, one of the users created a thread about me. They are called the “chamber”, and the people who are discussing are “patients”. There I saw not just a condemnation of me, but a triumph of hatred. It is one thing when a person does not like and people make fun of his manner of behavior or communication, but when it develops that my loved ones are being discussed, the family ... When they write that I am so terrible that I want to break my face with a stick, this is already completely gate.

When I began to read what they were discussing, I found how they planned the stuffing to my social networks, and then saw that they found some artist so that she would draw a cartoon on me. I reposted these portraits in the channel and could not even think that people did it to make fun of me.

At first I decided: “Okay, everyone has haters. There were, there are and will be ”, but then I realized that I still go and read what they wrote about me. A few days later it seemed to me that people were pursuing me. A real mania began. It seemed to me that they could be stitched, beaten. I began to run along the street, not walking. Once I was driving in a tram, and girls were traveling with me. It began to seem to me that now they will proceed with me right to the house. At some point, because of this situation, I had suicidal thoughts. I wanted to give up, remove everything.

When I talked about the situation to my friends, they told me: “Come on, this is just an indicator of your popularity.” I do not consider this justification or comfort. For myself, I became a clear example of how it can hit a person with a sensitivity above the average. There are people who will say to this: “Yes, the matter is in you, you perceive it so sharply,” but I cannot choose another perception regime. And there are people who can accept this even more acutely.

In February, I decided to post part of the screenshots about me from this forum in my account. I realized that I do not want to be silent about this and it is important for me to raise the problem of cyberbulling. I wanted to tell that there is a place where people are poisoned. On the same day, when I published this, attacks began on my chat with subscribers - for two years I have had a closed chat where people with mental features have been sitting. People [from the forum] got into the chat and began to write to the subscribers, call them in telegrams. Most of the messages were about me, but they wrote some messages to people, for example, about their appearance. After that, they began to hack my mail, social networks again, calls poured. They even sent me to the mail a fake judicial agenda. All this happened within three days. I could not release the phone out of my hands, because the check codes constantly flew to me, from pharmacies to public services.

Even before I published these posts, I was very scared: when I was at home at home, someone tried to open the castle. At that moment I decided that all this was interconnected, and was in a terrible panic. I lost touch with reality: I dreamed that the door to the vestibule barricaded dark silhouettes with old furniture, and when I woke up, it seemed to me that all this was really happening. She sobbed, was afraid to leave the house even to the pharmacy.

Subscribers advised me to contact the police, but I understand that it is pointless: no one would take up for it, and in the current conditions I do not want to attract the attention of law enforcement agencies - despite the fact that I do not write about politics, you never know where you can catch you. Now I am collecting all screenshots in a separate folder, although I don’t know if there is any meaning in this.

The hatred of people is gaining terrible turns, it can get out of control. Now I understand how much it can hit and in what defenseless position is the object of persecution and cyberbulling. When I googled, [what can be done in this situation], I realized that there are only tips on how not to react to grass. But when there are direct threats, calls, drain addresses, data, it is impossible not to respond to this. I think that the only way to resist this is to talk about bullying publicly.