I don't want sex. This is fine?

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Why does the desire to have sex disappear?

Sexual desire and arousal are two different things. There is such a thing as nonconcordance: a person can feel arousal at the physical level (lubrication is produced, breathing quickens), but there is no sexual desire.

In psychology, the lack of sexual desire is most often called a decrease in libido (it can be weak, medium and strong). Most often, libido is reduced by stress (moving, emigration, job loss), cycle phases, unlived emotions, lack of closeness and trust with a partner, conflicts and resentment, hormonal levels.

Drugs and mental illness can also affect sexual desire. For example, in people with bipolar disorder or depression, libido may decrease from time to time. People who take antidepressants like selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) often complain about this: they affect the production of serotonin, and it reduces the production of dopamine, on which arousal depends. But there are antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs that help in stabilizing the libido. For example, if a person has stopped experiencing sexual desire due to depression or anxiety.

Sometimes it may seem that you have lost the desire to have sex, although in fact you and your partner have a different sexual constitution - it reflects how often a person wants to have sex. A strong sexual constitution - several times a day, and a weak one - about once a week. It can be calculated on the scale of the vector definition of the sexual constitution. In theory, it cannot change, but now some sexologists refuse to use this concept, because in practice the sexual constitution can be influenced, for example, by conflicts or hormones.

The mismatch of the sexual constitution is one of the main problems with which couples come to a sexologist. At the beginning of a relationship, the sexual constitution recedes due to the hormonal background and novelty, but if it turns out that most of the time it is different for partners, this can be critical for the relationship. This leads to conflicts of needs. And if it is impossible to agree and find a compromise, one person will be in a deficit of peace and security, because he will feel guilty for who he is. And the second will be in a deficit of needs - in sex itself. And, perhaps, he will also blame himself for the fact that he is somehow not like that. This will breed distrust and tension in the relationship, and in the worst case, it can lead to separation.

Is it okay not to want sex?

Yes, it is normal. Worse, if a person forces himself to do what he does not want. This may be for the sake of maintaining a relationship, when sex becomes something of an “tolerable” or “this is how I show my love” category. For example, a person is very interested in experiments (kinky parties, BDSM sessions), and his partner takes drugs that have reduced libido. He ignores this and begins to experiment with him, afraid of losing their commonality in a couple, or because he begins to feel jealous: "If I don't try, he will find another."

If a person is forced to have sex or if he himself tries to convince himself that having sex is necessary, this can worsen his mental state. Sex is everywhere now: in blogs, in movies, in books, so someone who temporarily does not want it may start to think that he is “wrong”, feel “overboard”, because “everyone around is having sex and discussing it” and he is not. Or, if a person had a strong sexual constitution, and while taking antidepressants or due to stress, it became weak, he, too, may feel “wrong”.

“Sex for health”, improved skin due to sex, and stories about drooping vaginal walls, fibroids or eczema due to its absence are myths. There are vital human needs, such as sleep and food, and sex is not one of them. If a person does not have sex, it will not affect his physical health.

How to discuss lack of sex with a partner?

If one person has a need for sex, and the other does not, then most likely you will either have to figure out how to solve the problem, or leave. Now there are many formats of relationships: polyamorous, open, free, and if people manage to agree, then this can help save the family.

But there is a risk that the conversation will be painful, because sex is not only about pleasure, but also about self-esteem. This is a process in which a person is also recognized as attractive. When a person says, "I don't want sex," the partner's head may sound like, "He doesn't like me anymore." If possible, you can seek help from a mediator - a psychologist or psychotherapist. It is also best to use a non-violent communication scheme, speak in “I-messages” and separate yourself and your partner:

“I ran into problems at work. I do not feel interest and strength for sex. I don't want to face my vulnerability. I want to abstract temporarily."

“I take drugs with side effects. Decreased libido is one of them. It has nothing to do with you. Let's figure out what we can do about it."

A partner can start a conversation about what worries him about the lack of sex, like this:

“When we don’t have sex, I feel that you want me less and something is wrong with me. Let's talk, because I'm starting to worry."

If during a conversation one of the interlocutors feels intense emotions, you can try to discuss this topic by messages or move away to calm down and not provoke a conflict, and return to the discussion after a couple of hours.

The lack of conversations can be fraught with the fact that partners will begin to think out reasons, negatively or incorrectly interpret each other's behavior, words, emotional reactions. Unlived feelings even affect the intonation with which we read a message from a partner. Also, if important conversations are avoided, it can lead to alienation, infidelity, or separation.

What to do to return sexual desire?

1. Distance and autonomy are what will help restore sexual interest. If the partners are not autonomous, then an infantile form of relationship arises between them. Sometimes people do not notice how they merge with each other, cease to be separate individuals and forget about their own and other people's boundaries, which negatively affects the sexual sphere.

2. Pay attention to whether you are exposing yourself to violence. Someone thinks: "I can be patient, because my partner likes it that way." At this moment, the body is unpleasant, but the brain says: "It's okay." This is a big mistake, because sex will feel like something unsafe and unpleasant.

3. You can diversify your sex life by looking at how others do it: for example, go to a party with hugs, and you don’t have to participate, you can just watch. Track what emotions you will experience: fear, excitement, shame, surprise. These discoveries can increase interest in sex and add novelty.

4. If sexual desire has disappeared in relation to a particular person, then you need to track when it started, what changes have occurred with you or with your partner. Maybe some of you have changed your behavior. If it is not possible to independently find the cause, it is better to contact a specialist.

If you do not want to specifically return sexual desire, then nothing needs to be done by force. If there is no desire to have sex and it does not cause tension, then you should not force yourself to do anything, especially in such a quivering area. This, on the contrary, will only cause an internal protest.