"Our emigrant sex is much better"

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"When at the beginning of 2022 I made more travel, I did not mean it"

Natalia, 41 years old. In relations - 19 years, at a distance - a year.

The husband moved [abroad] in early spring, about a week after February 24. This was not a balanced decision, we made it in extreme conditions. We did not have the opportunity to prepare, tune in. It was only an hour and a half for which we managed to buy tickets and collect a suitcase. Many then asked how I feel after my husband's departure. And they were perplexed when I replied that everything was fine with me. For me, then it was decisive that a loved one is safe and can continue to engage in journalism.

At first, there was a feeling that something would clear up in the foreseeable future, but this did not happen. It only became clear that I do not want to leave yet because of work. We have long been together, and relations are part of our life, and not all life. Someone will say that my marriage is not expensive if I stayed in Russia, and did not go to my husband, grabbing suitcases and children. In fact, in our relationship, everyone respects what the life of a partner consists of. And I am very grateful to my husband for not putting a choice in front of me - work or family.

In the spring and summer it was easier, because there were more opportunities to go to her husband. During this time, I found out how all types of transport work: I crossed the border on foot, by plane, train, bus. When in the beginning of 2022 I made more travel, I did not mean it. Now there are more and more obstacles to meetings: laws are tightened, tickets are valued, because of work and routine, it is difficult to find time for a long road.

Previously, for our family, it was abnormal even for three days. We drove together everywhere, and if someone had a business trip, then the second tolerated it rather nervously. But this only “incited”, to meet especially joyful. Now the separation is different, and we have to pause feelings. You can’t get bored and yearned. If I start missing now, what will I do in a month? And after two? We never say to each other that we miss, with the exception of those days when a meeting looms on the horizon.

We have become closer, despite thousands of kilometers separating us. Now we often talk about values: it is like the beginning of a relationship when you only recognize a person and try to understand his coordinate system.

We live in two countries, and our strategy is to be careful. We talked with my husband, celebrating the wedding anniversary and analyzing the past year that we will try to hear each other as much as possible, not to injure and not offend. This terribly increases the duration of communication. It seems that I never spent so much time talking with my husband. Calls are including all that we now have. And this is terribly interesting. As an extrovertly and talkative person, this is easily given to me, and my husband is not the most talkative and, apparently, works on himself.

Video calls for us are an unspoken hard taboo. We turn on the video only when we call up with children. Together - never: to see a person, but at the same time not to be able to hug him and touch it so hard that you can go crazy.

We did not have a thorough conversation with children. They very naturally accepted that dad left, because now the war is and he cannot work in Russia. They understand that the reason for the changes is external, and mom and dad still love each other and them. It's just that now there is no way to be together.

Once a friend asked if I was worried that my husband found someone there. I do not think that in a situation of forced departure, when a person needs to deal with housing, transport, taxes, loans, he will first run to look for a mistress. Firstly, people are not animals. Secondly, when you are happy in marriage, you do not have this need. Thirdly, if someone needs to find a mistress, then this may happen anywhere, for this it is not necessary for emigration. If you constantly be afraid that they will change you, then it makes no sense to get married.

The same friend was interested in how I have been living without sex for so long. I said that nevertheless, from time to time my husband and I meet, we can spend a week together. She considered that this was not enough. And then she told me that she and her husband, who did not leave anywhere, sex happens only once a week, and then not the most fantastic. I think that our emigrant sex is much better, because we get out of bed when we are already completely tired. And there is something very romantic in going for the sake of hugs after a few borders.

It is clear that it is impossible to be endlessly at a distance. At the beginning of the war, my husband and I gave himself about two years - one has already passed. Some decisions about the place of residence will have to be made, but so far we continue to live in two countries. And we will not allow external circumstances to destroy our family. We were not built for that 20 years, so that because of some geopolitical changes, everything went under the tail of the cat. Well, to hell! We will not give everything so simply.

"My voice gives her husband a feeling at home"

Anna, 30 years old. In relations - 10 years, at a distance - three months.

My husband and I met at the university - they were classmates at the faculty of political science of MGIMO. We started dating during their studies and for six years in marriage.

The husband left Russia in September 2022 after the announcement of mobilization. He did not want to kill people or go to jail for refusing to do this. In the evening [September 21], after the President’s message, we drew up a plan of action and decided that he would leave the country. On the one hand, I was relieved. As the mantra repeated: the husband is alive, healthy, free. It helped a lot. On the other hand, since February, I have been accompanied by severe pain for Ukraine and Russia, and now uncertainty has been added. I definitely did not know when I would see my husband again, although the plan was: I wanted to move until the New Year, but for this it was necessary to transfer work online, prepare documents for myself and cats, collect things. In October, I came to my husband in Armenia to celebrate the anniversary, then returned home to finish the matter. In December, I, as planned, moved to him.

Previously, we never parted for a long time, for a maximum of two weeks, when he went to camping with a friend. And this time in three months we have been together for only a week. We constantly wrote off, called up, kept each other in the know. He talked about the search for housing and work in Armenia, and I about my affairs with documents, cats, suitcases.

During the separation, we had no conflicts, there was rather tension, caused by the fact that I only needed to make a bunch of everything in a short time. I was afraid that I would not have time. It was unusual that so many things lay on my shoulders, because before with my husband we divided everything equally. If someone was getting tired more at work, then the second, if there was strength, could help with household issues.

As a result, separation was an interesting stage in our relationship. During this time, each of us pumped those qualities that were not so developed. I learned that my partner is more complicated, emotional, deeper than I thought. My husband has always been more stable, realistic-optimistic, confident and calm than me. But during the separation, I first saw that it could be broken and vulnerable. He admitted to me that this was the most difficult period in his life. He first ended up in a situation when he physically could not help me. It was not easy for him to accept his helplessness and the fact that he could not control anything.

In our pair, my husband always stood firmly on the ground, and I could plunge into anxiety and fears. And here I did not have time to worry, I had to do things. I began to use time more literate, became more productive, more rational and even colder. There was a force in me, in which there was no need before. My husband admitted that my voice gives him a feeling of home. I became a support for us two and realized that I was stronger than it seemed, and my sensitivity is my strength.

Now we are together, recently moved to Tbilisi. The apartment is rented for six months, and this is our biggest certainty over the past year. We did not part, did not go crazy and coped with two crossings in five months.

"When I see a flea market in Berlin, I can imagine how I will bring it there"

Vitaly, 25 years old. In relations - two years, at a distance - six months.

I am engaged in science and even before the start of the war I was thinking about where to get a degree - in Russia or in Europe. But the war made its adjustments: I did not want to support what was happening, and I had the opportunity not to do this. Three days after February 24, I was in shock, then the girl and I began to discuss what to do. Mobilization does not threaten me, so I decided to calmly enter foreign graduate school. He began to look for positions on applied mathematics, interviewed, made a passport. I was taken to institute in Berlin, and in August I moved.

We did not think that my girlfriend also immediately left. Firstly, there was no fear that women would mobilize. Secondly, in Russia she has full-time work and study. At the same time, we did not plan to break up due to the move. Relations at a distance are harder than ordinary ones, because you don’t see a person for a long time, you can’t even hug him, but you have to try to live in the conditions that life offers.

I miss her, I often think about her. To communicate online is not the same as meeting in life. When you see you, it is clear that a person came to you, that he has time for you. And when you correspond, but he does not answer, you do not understand: he does not see the message, he is doing, or you are ignored. But the girl and I met and became close when Kovid began, and for several months we talked only online, so there is a skill. Plus, we have not yet had time to come out and create a common life, we do not need to learn to live alone again - this simplifies separation.

We tried virtual sex once - it turned out on a trio. Probably, one could figure out how to arrange the cameras and make the process more beautiful and more convenient, but we decided to score. In the end, we see each other every few months.

Twice we tried to make the girl a tourist visa to the EU. First, documents were submitted to the German visa center - they refused, gave a strange unsubscription. Then they tried to make Schengen through Spain - the same story. Therefore, in November we met in Istanbul. In March, we will meet in Yerevan, and then we will try to get a visa to Germany again. This time, through an invitation from me or from one of my colleagues. We are worried that something will happen, Russia will close the boundaries and it will not be able to leave for me.

Now I equip an apartment and often consult a girl, because I assume that she will also live here, which means that she should like everything. For example, she loves candles, I am not, but I already bought them for her. She also loves flea markets. When I see flea markets in Berlin, I can imagine how I will bring her there, she will buy some nonsense and will rejoice.

This year she graduates from the undergraduate and will enter the magistracy in Europe. Ideally, in Berlin or Potsdam, so that we can live together. If this is another country, then we will again be at a distance, but at least we can go to each other more often. What we will do if she does not act until they thought.

How to maintain intimacy at a distance?

This is what the clinical psychologist Alexander Bondar says:

Talk about your life, share what happened in a day, sincerely be interested in what is happening with a partner. Try not to go into formal communication, where you list only dry facts about your bottom;
Send each other a photo, video, voice, send postcards: so the presence in the life of a partner is felt more than in correspondence;
Demonstrate the signs of love and care: in words, some special videos, use all the possibilities for romantic gestures towards a loved one;
Try to plan meetings. Because of the war, many couples may not know how long they will not see, but if there is an opportunity to plan meetings and the desire to realize them-this is good support for relations;
Do not disappear. Follow the call agreements, try to answer messages or warn if you can’t do it;
Do not try to create an ideal image, because he is misleading, because of this, the partner has an understanding of a real person;
Give up time on each other. Susinchron of graphs appears at a distance, lifestyle can also change. Try to find the opportunity to stay together, listen to a partner. What used to be part of everyday life now requires purposeful attention.