"Do you still love me?"

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What is attachment?

In the broadest sense, it is an innate need for contact with a significant adult. The authors of attachment theory are psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth. According to her, for physical and emotional security, the child needs a connection with a significant adult. Satisfaction of the need for emotional security is the basis for building social ties in the future. As ironic as it may be, the stronger the bond with a parent during childhood, the more autonomous a person will be when they grow up.

Anyone who cares for a child can be a significant figure. If he is sad or scared, he needs confirmation from an adult that everything is in order. For example, to pay attention to him and console him. A child can have several significant figures at the same time. However, if there are too many of them (for example, parents, grandparents, and aunts and uncles), then attention and care will be “scattered” and the child will not have an unambiguous impression of who is taking care of him. In this regard, he may have difficulties with the attachment strategy, since it is formed in interaction: there is an attunement with a significant figure. And if there are too many of them, then it is not clear with whom to tune in. So, for the first months of life, it is better that there are no more than two constantly caring figures.

What are attachment strategies?

An attachment strategy is a behavior that helps us reconnect with loved ones when it breaks. In the Russian-speaking space, the phrase “type of attachment” is more common. However, what is meant is precisely how a person behaves in the event of a broken connection. There are several classifications of these strategies, but the most popular one is the following:

• Reliable
• Anxious-ambivalent
• avoidant
• Complexly organized or disorganized

The first three attachment strategies came from psychologist Mary Ainsworth's "Strange Situation" experiment. A mother with a child was invited into the room with toys, then she left, and the scientists observed the behavior of the children. Some cried and felt sad when the significant adult left, but when he returned, the children were sure that the connection with the parent was in order. This behavior has been called secure attachment strategy .

There were children who, upon the return of their mother, cried and could not calm down in her arms or angrily scattered toys. This behavior is an anxious-ambivalent attachment strategy . Children seemed to inform their mother: “I want you to be here,” but at the same time they expressed anger and pushed her away.

The third group stopped contacting the mother, even when she returned. Young children created distance on a physical level. Older children moved away emotionally. For example, they ignored the departure and return of their mother, as if nothing had happened. Their behavior has been labeled as an avoidant attachment strategy . That is, they use avoidance and withdrawal as a way to reconnect with their mother and make her more responsive.

Later, psychologist Mary Maine added another strategy - disorganized, or complexly organized . Children with her behaved chaotically and inconsistently. It was impossible to describe clear patterns of behavior in them. This is how children who have experienced domestic violence or mental threats from their parents behaved.

Mary Ainsworth found that the attachment strategy depends on the quality of the adult's care. If a child's needs are responsive, they are more likely to grow up with a solid strategy (being sensitive to themselves, asking for and giving help, building trust and being autonomous).

If an adult is not sensitive to the needs of the child, he may form an avoidant strategy. His parents may be caring, but they are usually not able to correctly consider the needs of the child. For example, a mother cradles a baby, which makes him uncomfortable and starts crying. But mom incorrectly counts the signal and will pump it even harder. The kid will begin to think that the manifestation of his feelings aggravates the situation. A child raised in such a family prefers not to demonstrate his needs; when he is not given what he needs, he feels that contact with the parent is broken. The logic "I will not say what I feel to strengthen the connection" is turned on.

An anxiously ambivalent attachment strategy is formed in a family with unpredictable parents: sometimes they are sensitive to the needs of the child, and sometimes not. The child does not have a sense of a consistently safe environment. Today, mom listens to his desires, and tomorrow she ignores him. “Sometimes mom answers me, so you need to show your feelings more intensely,” the child thinks. “Maybe then she will respond again.”

These children have two main behaviors. They either increase their anger (throw toys, bite, get angry), or increase their own helplessness and try to get the attention of adults by any means. For example, with the help of loud crying. In childhood, this behavior occurs unconsciously, but later it is fixed as a way to get what you want. It should be noted that even in adulthood this strategy is not always realized by a person.

How does a person with an anxious-ambivalent attachment strategy behave in relationships?

A person with an anxious-ambivalent attachment strategy is constantly anxious about relationships with loved ones. His main need is to feel his importance for a partner. Since his experiences with adults have contained a lot of unpredictability, he is often insecure about relationships. He may be in doubt and try to find a positive answer to the questions: am I still significant? Is everything okay between us? If I share my feelings and needs, will my partner respond? He does not know whether a loved one will respond to his feelings, whether there is a strong connection between them.

When it seems to such people that contact with a romantic partner is lost, they try to “repair” it. They often write, call, come to talk. It is simply unbearable for them if this connection does not exist. However, their reaction can be much larger than the event that upset them. For example, the partner simply forgot to call, and they already imagined betrayal and separation.

At the same time, people with an anxious-ambivalent attachment strategy are usually very considerate, generous, and loving. They are ready to put themselves in the place of another, give themselves, invest in relationships, often think about a partner and look for ways to get closer to him. However, if they develop relationship anxiety, they may become angry, resentful, complain, get frustrated, and even defiantly leave. This is precisely what "ambivalence" is all about. When such a person makes it clear with all his appearance that he is leaving, in fact he wants the partner to try to return him. All this is aimed at restoring an emotional connection in a couple. As a rule, this is completely incomprehensible to the partner. But a person with an anxiously ambivalent attachment strategy is more likely to be sure that his intentions are obvious.

Such people can demonstrate their helplessness and show that they cannot cope without a partner: “I can’t live without you, I need you.” And they really feel that way. In childhood, they depended on the parent: if he ignores them, it threatens safety.

What kind of partners do people with an anxious-ambivalent strategy choose?

They are often attracted to people with an avoidant strategy. There is a cycle of "persecution - removal." One during the loss of communication runs to clarify relations, talk, and the other at this moment increases the distance. The first one does not feel significant and begins to pursue the partner even more actively.

A person becomes a hostage to the need to seek confirmation that he is loved. People with an avoidance strategy are predictable: they predictably avoid intimacy. A person with an anxious-ambivalent strategy is attracted to the point at which he ceases to feel significant. This is an emotional hook. He feels panic and anxiety, which can be confused with falling in love.

Instead of wondering if the avoidant partner wants intimacy, or if a relationship where they are withdrawn is needed at all, a person with a disturbing attachment strategy will go all out to get that intimacy.

What to do if your partner has an anxious-ambivalent strategy?

It is important for partners in this relationship to understand that showing anger and pain (such as tears or countless texts and calls) is an attempt to connect. It is not easy to treat with understanding that anger is directed at you, but at this moment it is important to remember the leading need of a partner - the need for contact. You need to show the person that he is important to you: “Yes, dear, I didn’t take out the garbage, but it’s not because you are not important to me. I love you very much. I'll take out the trash as soon as I'm free."

In case of conflicts, couples therapy helps a lot. For a person with an anxious-ambivalent strategy, the therapist will tell you how to communicate the message of your discontent more clearly and softly. Practice shows that partners often have no idea why a person has a tantrum and what he wants to say to her. The therapist also helps to see that behind the withdrawal is a need for acceptance and security, not rejection. For the second person, therapy will help to hear the request and see the partner’s need for an emotional connection, and not empty insults. And present your needs instead of avoidance.

In addition, you can make a list of things that please and upset your partner. Thus, in a critical situation, a person will know what he can do to give the second a feeling of love. For example, buy his favorite product or write a message.

How do you know what your attachment strategy is?

One person can have several attachment strategies at the same time - they will change depending on the partner with whom he is approaching. With one, you can be sure that your connection is strong, even if you communicate rarely, while the behavior of the other can give mixed signals and increase anxiety.

As a rule, people with a "pure" attachment strategy are not found. Even the most confident person in themselves and in their relationships can sometimes show signs of an anxious-ambivalent attachment strategy. For example, unconsciously increase helplessness if he is not listened to.

To determine the prevailing strategy, pay attention to how you behave when there is a threat of disconnection with a partner. Remember what you do during quarrels. What emotions are you experiencing? If you are overwhelmed by unbearable anxiety, this can be an anxiety-ambivalent strategy. If you feel guilty and want to withdraw, you may have an avoidance strategy.

Test "Experience of close relationships" .

If your anxious-ambivalent strategy is making you feel bad or is negatively impacting your relationship, it's worth talking to your partner about it. Discuss what his words and actions make you feel that the connection between you is lost.

Is it possible to develop a reliable strategy in adulthood?

The attachment strategy may change throughout life. For example, if a person with an anxious-avoidant attachment strategy is in a romantic relationship for a long time with a person with a reliable strategy, he can learn from him confidence in stable contact.

Psychotherapy can also help develop a solid attachment strategy. The therapist gives the person the understanding that they are being seen and heard, that their needs are important. In addition, it helps to develop autonomy, teaches you to spend time with yourself, not depend entirely on romantic relationships and regulate emotions on your own, and not just at the expense of a loved one. The person will also be able to see how their way of reconnecting affects their partner.