"The wolf first suffers, and then endures." Why do men suffer, but do not go to a psychologist, and what to do with it

The war involves men in conflicts not only on the advanced, but also in disputes with relatives, during adaptation after moving or in an attempt to build their lives within Russia. Often it is more difficult for them to psychologically cope with difficulties than women: in society, stereotypes about a man who solves his problems himself is strong in society.

Anna (the name was changed at the request of the heroine), who works as a crisis psychologist in the Without Prejudice / “Without prejudice” project, says that men turn to her much less often than women. “7x7” understood why this is happening and what are the features of the psychological support of men.

"I was able to speak out"

Journalist Victor works in the media. Like other professionals in this area, he often feels anger, anxiety, apathy.

- Recently, I noticed that even small turmoil is being infuriated. Like a whirlwind of anger and sadness twisting. I realized that perhaps it is worth discussing this with a psychologist, ”Victor“ 7x7 ”said.

Victor’s decision is not typical of Russian men. Most often, women go to a psychologist.

- In our culture, a man turns for help only if he has two legs and two hands broken. Fear of condemnation, fear of asking for support - parts of male socialization, ”says psychologist Anna.

Victor signed up for a one -time consultation with a specialist who has long been working with journalists and knows about the features of this profession.

- We phoned and I was able to speak out. We said, sad, laughed, shared stories. The psychologist helped me understand what can be done with sharp manifestations of anxiety.

After a one -time meeting, Victor thought that he would like to meet a psychologist more often - for example, once a week.

"If the car is stuck, you will not push it alone"

In 2020, the European Regional Bureau of the World Health Organization prepared a consolidated report on how men seek psychiatric assistance and how public stereotypes about masculinity influence it. The authors of the report found: in Russia, only 20% of men are among psychologists among psychologists, and they often interrupt treatment. Even Russian men make suicide 4.5 times more often.

Men do not go to psychologists, because society says to them: you must be independent, rely only on yourself, not show strong emotions. In Russian society, the figure of a man is often connected with the images of the only breadwinner, a mininger and a defender. Those who do not fit into this framework may develop anxiety and depression. And the inconsistency of the image of a “real man” sometimes leads to the so -called compensatory behavior - for example, the use of alcohol and drugs, to aggression.

Psychologist Anna believes that men will seek help earlier and more often, if you change the installation of "asking for help-it is a pity and not like a man."

- For me, seeking help is an indicator of power and self -confidence. If your car is stuck in a snowdrift, you will not push it alone, but call your friends. The same with psychological help, ”she says.

The most difficult thing in working with a psychologist is to form motivation for changes. Only a person himself is able to adjust his behavior and fight stereotypes.

Replace the "bath" with "shower"

Anna told what problems men come to her in 2023.

Often this is a break in relations with close relatives, mainly parents, because of positions and views. Emigrant men are faced with adaptation problems, difficulties in searching for work, with difficulties in building relationships with relatives who have remained in Russia. These people need to quickly solve many problems, and for some period emotions retreat to fall later.

The third popular problem is a sense of fear and helplessness within Russia. Working with this is the answer to the questions “for what and who do you live?”, “What gives resources to live?”, “What are you relying on?”, The psychologist believes.

- No matter how bad, in the nightmare there are glimpses of joy and love, there are many good people around. When it ends, someone will have to restore the destroyed. Let it support you. In the meantime, you have to think about how to take care of yourself, ”added Anna.

The psychologist helps a person understand what scares him and how to deal with it. It switches it from the emotional assessment “I won’t succeed”, “I don’t know how to cope” to the analytical: which of my skills will come in handy? What can I study right now to figure it out?

Often men cannot choose tools for helping themselves or believe that tips from the Internet are not suitable for them. Journalist Victor said this:

-If you look for something on the topic of health, it is good, if the video with Dr. Popov comes across-it’s at least funny, and laughter, they say, prolongs life. But usually, at the request of “Health”, the Internet will answer: “You will die in seven days, and if you are lucky, or maybe before.”

Standard tips “take a bath”, “notice beautiful details during a walk” or “do cleaning to free up space” may not help many men.

“But replace the“ bath ”with the“ shower ”, leave the walks on your own, leave the cleaning as a way to rid the house from unnecessary things,“ and these tips will become applicable, ”Anna believes. - Question in the wording. Let them be a little more brutal. Yes, shopping helps women more often, and a man may like going to the river or hikeing. But for each person, the support forms are individual.

"I see those to whom the condemnation did not prevent a psychologist from contacting"

Maxim from Perm works as a psychologist. From the beginning of the war, he wanted to share with someone experiences because of her and repressions against anti-war activists. But he did not always have the strength to talk about this with his colleagues:

- Even when I manage to do this organically, many dismiss the topic - either for security reasons, or from unwillingness to face uncomfortable facts and emotions that they cause.

In February 2023, a friend suggested that Maxim create an offline group in the city. Together they opened the branch of the project “I stay” in Perm.

- The support group helps to remove the feeling of loneliness in the experiences of all the difficulties that we have encountered since the beginning of the war. There is an opportunity to talk in a safe atmosphere about what you think and feel. Get support and understanding from other participants, ”Maxim explained.

According to him, society in Russia less often condemns men for contacting a psychologist:

- Although, of course, a lot depends on the age of those who have turned and those who could condemn them. Young people, if they lead an independent life, that is, they were separated from parental families, almost never talk about condemnation. Adult men of middle -aged, but perhaps this is a mistake of the surviving [judgment on the basis of a successful situation]. I already see those to whom the condemnation did not stop to apply.

Classes that will not really help to recover

In the fight against anxiety and stress, men are more likely to resort to avital activity. This is literally the activity of the denial of life - alcoholism, drug addiction, all types of risky behavior (extreme sports and classes, including riding at high speed), self -confusion. In society, such behavior is more approved, served as an example of courage and recklessness or a solution to problems. Therefore, it is difficult for men to realize what such behavior is dangerous.

Endocrinologist Hans Selye developed the theory of biological stress. According to her, a growing stress forces a person to mobilize forces - a state of “funny anger”, “adrenaline peak” may arise. It is characterized by excitement, a feeling of a surge of strength, acceleration of mental processes. If the stressful effect is released and relief comes, it brings pleasure to a person. But such a swing is easy to get hooked, start looking for the return of acute feelings through extreme classes.

But if the effect of stress does not stop, exhaustion occurs. A person is not even able to ask for help, as this is also an effort. In a state of exhaustion, an aggressive reaction is possible, which gives a short -term surge of strength. Therefore, Anna is sure that in the near future, Russian society will encounter an increase in male aggressiveness against the backdrop of the experience of the war.

Where to find help

Specialists of the Without Prejudice / “without prejudice” project conduct personal and group consultations for all Russian-speaking people in need of assistance because of the war in Ukraine. To contact a specialist, you need to write @helpwithoutprejudicebot in a telegram-boot or convey your question for a weekly broadcast with a psychologist.

The “ go forest ” project helps men who are threatened with mobilization. To get psychological support, you need to write @iditelessom_info_bot telegram.

Since 2021, the first psychological support in Russia has been operating in Russia for men of the non -combatant. In Moscow, the Center for Psychological Support of Men " Direct Dialogue " is operating. Psychologists advise men on relations and conflicts in the family, mental and psychological health. You can call the line by phone 8 (800) 707-54-15 (daily from 12:00 to 16:00 and from 20:00 to 22:00 Moscow time).

Support Groups “ I stay ” work offline in Moscow, St. Petersburg, Novosibirsk and Perm.