It seems my parents are depressed. How can I help them?

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How to define depression?

Depression is not always tearfulness or a bad mood: sometimes it is an even unemotional state when nothing upsets, but nothing pleases.

It is important to look at the totality of signs. If the parent's behavior is different from the usual and alarms you, the mood is depressed for a long time (several weeks or more), and several of the symptoms described below are present, then it is likely that he has depression.

Here are the main signs:

change in sleep: a person can either sleep very little, or, on the contrary, a lot, but wake up tired and tired;
change in appetite: a person regularly refuses food and does not feel hungry or, on the contrary, eats more than usual;
negative self-image: more self-criticism or thoughts “I never succeed”;
negative image of the future: for example, “nothing good can be expected”, “my life will never be interesting again”;
what used to please was gone: for example, a person liked knitting or fishing, and now these same actions are rather a burden;
social isolation: unwillingness to meet other people;
neglect of personal hygiene: a person can stop washing, combing their hair, start wearing the same clothes;

What should you pay special attention to?

Suicidal thoughts: a person begins to talk about suicide as a solution to a problem or utters, for example, such phrases: “Without me, it would be easier for you”, “All your troubles are only because of me”, “I spoil your life”, “Without I would have a good life." No need to treat any statement about suicide as a manipulation or a joke. Such words must be taken seriously. For example, you can say: "Remember, you said something like this, I'm worried about you, tell me about your condition."
Worsening of several symptoms. If a person does not sleep for several days or, conversely, sleeps all day, then this is a sign of a very serious condition.

How to explain to a parent that you need to see a doctor?

Depression is a disease. Only a psychiatrist or clinical psychotherapist can make such a diagnosis, so it is important to see a doctor. However, it can be difficult to persuade a parent to do this: there are still many stereotypes and fears around psychiatry. People of any age, but especially adults, can deny depression because of negative beliefs. For example, they may think that it only appears in lazy or weak people. In such cases, more attention can be paid to informing about the disease. For example, to talk about the fact that when contacting a psychiatrist they are not registered, modern pills do not “jam” a person, and capable adults are not hospitalized without their consent.

You can try to persuade the parent to go first to the local therapist to take tests to check for somatic causes: for endocrine disease, iron deficiency or vitamin D. If all tests are normal, the general practitioner may advise you to contact a psychiatrist and test the hypothesis of depression. For parents, advice from a specialist may sound a little more convincing than from a family member.

Another way to persuade them to ask for help is to share their own feelings and experiences. For example, say: “It will be easier for me if I know if you are depressed or not. I am very worried about you, it hurts me to look at what is happening.

You can also try to conduct a preliminary diagnosis yourself - using the Beck depression test . It touches on questions about appetite, mood, cognitive functions. If a parent flatly refuses to take even a test, you can do it for him. Based on the results, it is impossible to make an accurate diagnosis or be sure of its absence. But this is an indicator that can be guided in negotiations with the parent.

Sometimes the reluctance to accept help can be a veiled request for help. Some people may say, "I'm fine," but if you insist on it, they will go to the doctor. Perhaps, in this case, your participation will be required: help with choosing a specialist and making an appointment.

What not to do if a parent is depressed?

Devalue. Sometimes the closest people exacerbate the situation when they say such phrases: “Well, why are you all lying and lying”, “Get up and do business”, “Go outside, don’t be lazy.” Such phrases only hurt a person in depression and impose a sense of guilt on him.
Maintain social isolation. It is often difficult for a person in depression to maintain close relationships, this is one of the manifestations of the disease - a lock on their inner experiences and the inability to share them with others. Even if a person says: “I don’t need help, I can handle it myself,” it is important to be there, not to leave the parent completely alone with himself.
Overdo it with care. A person does not get out of bed for several days, and his relatives bring him food to bed, are included in all his life processes, take care of him too actively - this is a bad option. It is important not to reinforce behaviors that aim to minimize activity.

How else can you help?

People in adulthood may have a feeling that all the opportunities have already been missed, that nothing new and interesting awaits them. This leads to isolation and self-isolation. You can help the parent remember a pleasant hobby or find a new one: knitting, drawing, gardening, fishing, collecting. A person with a hobby begins to make plans, he has an image of the future, the planning horizon expands - this has a good effect on the mental state.

Depression is different. Some recommendations will work very well for a person with moderate depression, but will not help a person with a severe stage. Therefore, all the activity offered to the parent should be feasible for him.

If a parent lies all day, you don’t need to persuade him to walk 10 thousand steps, it’s better to start with small tasks: go to the shower or drink tea together. When there is a result, dopamine is produced in a person, energy appears. If the tasks are overwhelming, they will only aggravate the depressive state.

Here's what to do if your parent is depressed:

Do not try to guess, but directly ask what help is needed.
Be there and pay attention, show that his condition is important to you. A depressed person tends to social isolation, he has fewer contacts. It is important not to leave him alone.
Help break big goals down into smaller ones. When depressed, people often have an all-or-nothing mindset. Either I take on a global project, or I will not do anything. In this case, a person can be helped to break a large goal into several smaller ones.
Try to work with each symptom separately if the parent refuses to be aware of the depression.
Watch to see if symptoms get worse.
Ask for help. For some adults, commitment to other people is more important than commitment to themselves. In such cases, you can ask them to go to the section with their grandson or take a walk to the store. Another option is to have a pet that needs to be looked after. But it is important that any activity is feasible and desirable. Giving a puppy that a person never wanted or is not ready to take care of is a bad idea.

You can also leave the phone numbers of psychological assistance to the parent:
8 (800) 333-44-34 - a single Russian helpline, the call is free;
8 (985) 862-95-02 - All-Russian helpline for the elderly , the call is paid, according to the tariff of the telecom operator.

How to take care of yourself when a depressed person is around?

It is important to remember that this disease is not treated quickly. Relatives of a person with depression may experience feelings of powerlessness, guilt, shame, disappointment due to the lack of results of treatment. Celebrate even small successes, discuss them and rejoice together.

It may happen that a parent flatly refuses help or sabotages treatment. In such situations, you need to admit that he is an independent person and this may be his choice, and you are not omnipotent. You will need to experience the feeling of your own powerlessness, to see the limitations of your capabilities.

It is also important to strike a balance and not get too involved in the problems of a person with depression, otherwise you can burn yourself out. Spending a lot of time with a depressed person can lead to the feeling that "everything is rotten." Remind yourself that your loved one and their symptoms are not the same thing. For example, from ARVI, a runny nose does not remain until the end of life. Similarly, a depressed person does not become permanently pessimistic. It is important not to take everything he says for granted when he is depressed.