"I will love as a homeland, and fuck like an enemy of the people"

Deiting during the war: wild questionnaires, surprises on dates, emigrant secrets

In the late 2010s, the acting applications became the most common way to find a partner, and sometimes the future husband or wife. The flowering of such services did not last long. At first, the world plunged into a pandemic and the rules of isolation, then Russia invaded Ukraine. Now the question of attitude to war is the most important before the first date. Sometimes he gets up at the meetings themselves. Dana Zharkova (writes the author under a pseudonym), based on personal experience, tells how the Russian Deiting has changed since February 24, 2022 and why the men were “blown away”.

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Recently, I am afraid to speak with the men left here.

And this is very inconvenient-after all, I am trying to somehow arrange my personal life in Russia. There will be nothing about love in this text, only about war and absurdity. If someone wanted to love, sorry.

Even during the pandemic for me, the value of stable relations, novels, or at least a seedy love increased. When the world collapses, people die - I want to live desperately. I really really want to be happy. I have never talked about novels as much as in the last one and a half years. Stupid deeds, impulses, notes, intrigues and, of course, the dates suddenly became incredibly important, because there is little vitality and humanity that has little.

Thinking about my repressed grandfather and reading books about the Gulag and concentration camps, I realized that my survival strategy in unbearable conditions would be love. In anyone, let not mutually, but just to remain a person to wake up for something in the morning. Nevertheless, love makes us a little better.

In practice, love is not easy. There are no “effective methods” for this, you can’t attract it with good deeds and endless campaigns in crowded places. Especially now, when many guys left the country, and another set has left to fight or supports what is happening from the sofa, which I do not want to share with such people. It is not just important as before, but it was desperate to clarify the views of a potential partner on the shore, even a partner for one night.

You can try to fall in love through the valves, and I honestly spent tens of hours for meaningless correspondence in several bots and applications. Live in a year and a half I only went on two dates. And that's why:

“I will love like a homeland - fuck like an enemy of the people” - this is not a creampie, but part of the description from a real profile in Pure ( an appendix for an anonymous search for a sexual partner. - Approx. “Cold”) , from which I want to throw the Internet into a window and hide under the pillow. Tinder has just left Russia, although such ads can already be found at Avito:

“Tender works in the Russian Federation, help restore the account and issue a subscription for any time 🔥 Tinder Gold. Activation takes two minutes.

They say that people are selling their accounts in Tinder along with Matchmi, because the new Matchi are not formed, and you can pick up someone at least from other people's coincidences.

I leaf through the photos in one Russian bot to replace the Tinder: a guy in the uniform costs two legs on two tanks. The other is dancing in a trench in a balaclava. “Ladies, relax the military!”, “A promising military man is looking for a wife, please find myself.”

Previously, it was enough to draw out inadequates and sexists, now the deiting space has flooded such characters. Some of them are right now in the combat zone, some have returned. If one of the girls is looking for a military man in special publicity publics, I would like a subscription to a service where they definitely are not.

Nikon, 24: "I am looking for my wife, I am a military now vacation in 3 months I am leaving back to Africa for half a year."

Disclaimer : all profiles are published with the preservation of author's spelling and punctuation.

Patriot, 26 : “I do not like to talk a lot! Let his actions say for a man! About myself: I don’t give a characteristic for myself, and I'm not talking about myself. From the side it is more visible what I really stand. In friendship between a man and a woman, I do not believe!

From the modern world, which is drowned in ignorance and in your (cultural layer) is sick, and if you are not mentally from the world of good people from good times of the USSR, you and I have nothing to talk about! No need to like if you are bored and there is no desire to communicate! I'm not here to kill your boredom! And yes! I'm not a communist! "

The next night after the Prigozhinsky rebellion, I met the Wagnerian who participated in it - by chance, in a dating bot. Nothing foreshadowed, an ordinary guy who had no word about service anywhere.

He wrote “Hello” from an account called “Boss of Russia”. I jokingly asked: “Boss of Russia? Then, maybe, you explain what kind of garbage happened yesterday? " And he explained. And threw off his photos in Wagnerian uniform. According to him, “everything is clear, yes”, “Lukashenko is a purely formality”, “negotiations were successful”, he said that they would receive new weapons and would further fight. "Do you think they tell you the truth?" - Yes, he thinks so.

After service for the proceeds, the boy wants to open Barbershop in his city. He would really cut it, and not fight. Here it is, skinny and tall, in a hoodie and rapper pants, but in a checkered trench coat - a real dandy, with a highlighted fashionable hedgehog and a dog. On the cheeks - painted hearts. Fuck did you go there? "I went to support Batu." Photos of Bati, pumped up a military man, is attached.

The war made its way everywhere, and any guy on the street acquaintance in the old fashioned way may turn out to be its participant. Last weekend I went to the bar to eat. The bartender-Milah, all in the tattoo, was smiled and asked to go on a date with him. “Well, let's go,” I say. “If you are not afraid.” I leave him my contacts, he writes: “Damn, and I am going on a business trip this week far and for a long time, let's go to the date more?” What a bartender has such a business trip, I think. "For a long time - how much?" - I ask in a bad foreboding. Answer: "For six to eight months." And I understand that he is going there, he goes to the tape. I ask directly, he asks not to discuss it in correspondence. I think: it is me - how would his last date before the war, the girl in the end? Should I ban it, hate or go with him from anthropological and journalistic interest? Do I need to dissuade him from the trip? Should I shoot him on the video? I can kiss him? Hit? While I was thinking, he disappeared. Apparently, there.

Nikolai, 26 -engineer in construction, interests: microcontrollers, photography, fishing, radio engineering, sometimes ksochka or some jerking off the type EU4, Factorio and RimWorld.

“I drink, I smoke, swear, purposeful, responsible, with an excellent sense of humor, with a sober look at the surrounding, introvert, kli (Gaben Istp), Lfwe.
I do not like all this LGBT Frenley Hoirsu (but porn with lesbians forever in my heart), as well as followers of the sectarian club about violation of personal borders and awareness.

I love Putin and support his policy.

I do not put commas. "

The makeer of the missile is trying to care for me - the guy from the musical party, brought the recently stolen meat. What country, such and engineers. I do not refuse food now, but from such gentlemen - yes. A friend meets with an air defense engineer, a very fashionable, pleasant guy. Several Russia Today and the “second channel” rolled up to me. In the bar, a smart guy with glasses spoke - it turned out he made drones. I just don’t know where to go, with familiar girls, we at least share our stories, life hacks and pain.

Letter No. 1 my friend limit

Recently, I had a gap with my best friend at that time and still a very close person to me. We were really very close, I spent a lot of time with her. When the war began, I remained with her for weeks, she accepted me at all with all my soreness, with all my vulnerability.

She had problems, she changed a lot of guys she met. That is, she had a constant need for attention and dates, random ties in itself - this is not a problem, the problem is in finding heat in impossible conditions for this. Changing the guys, she did not satisfy this need to the end and was looking for again and again, it was painful, she herself was not happy and wanted to stop it, but could not.

At the end of May, we went with her to the play " Zuleikha opens our eyes . " In the plot, Zuleikh falls in love with his overseer in the camp, and she has such a moral dilemma that she seems to betray her deceased husband and her faith, but she can do anything about it. It was hard for me from this performance, I cried. My friend decided to share her impressions and said that she was in the same position regarding the heroine of this love of the overseer. I asked: in the sense?!

I already knew that she had a new guy for a week, for me it was not something unusual. I saw that for some reason she did not want to discuss him with me, although she used to be willingly sharing the details of her relationship. And so we are coming from the performance, and she tells me that this new guy came to the “ vision ” or like that - as they are called there - from Ukraine and he is a military man, he is a radio operator. On this I already understand that tin is happening.

She said that she went to his bedroom and saw a military jacket there in a prominent place. But not simple, there were many stripes on it. With the Ukrainian flag and several chevrons of ZSU. She asked: what is this? He said that this is a jacket removed from the murdered Ukrainian. He sewed these killed people with his own hands with his own hands with his own pantyhros with his own hands.

She tells me this, I think: fucking, where to lead her? In which church, fucking, to what priest? What? What to do with her? Which psychotherapist to? How to save her, how to wash her from this now? And she continues to calmly tell further.

She seemed to be embarrassed, but ... Well, that is, even from the point of view of formal logic: here is an adult man who was in the war - let him be a radio operator there, maybe he really didn’t kill anyone with his bare hands, although he contributed to this and in any case he is a killer.

But after all, in his bedroom, in a prominent place, there is a tunic with stripes of dead people that he collects, which he is clearly proud of - this person is sick! He is a psychopath! If such a system is in his head, then you are not safe with him.

But she continued to communicate with him.

It just destroyed me, this friend was a very close person for me. It seems to me that we were very close to the war, a common pain, it seemed to me that when we talked about it, we agreed with each other. I have never experienced such disappointment at all.

Sergey, 26: “I like to travel. Romantic. A lot of hobbies and interests. Military.

I am looking for adequate. At the moment on his, so we will not go for the next six months. But if you wait, I will make you happy 😏 "

Vitalik, 30: “Elderly Gibon. I am engaged in mixed martial arts, therefore I can protect you, and in which case you will demolish the cabin 🙂 "

Letter No. 2 My friend Natalie

If I saw in Tinder some statements, some Z on the avatars or “ Hurray to the war ” -this is not right away. But in general, people all looked neutral, and it was very important for me to understand which side they were on. It was somehow dumb to ask directly.

In the process of correspondence, you start somewhere in passing by afar, you write “ complex time ” , and according to the way a person answers, you understand something, you begin to promote this topic a little, one of the guys went to rallies there or something else-that's all, it's cool.

I wrote to some that I am publishing some books, so the book of such and such an oppositionist was published-and also watched how people react to this.

Basically, there were three categories. The first is the " zetniki . " Everything is clear with them.

The second is neutral people. I had a date, my God, February 25. We planned in advance, the war began, but we met, and I am: tin in general, and the person is like this: yes, yes, let's not talk about it, it’s just from all sides, and it’s already hard for me.

The third are people with whom we directly discussed some kinds of videos, people who supported Navalny, for example. They found a soul mate in me, because they said, they say, my parents do not support me, it’s hard for me, I have no one to discuss it with, and it’s cool that I can discuss this with you.

I am now dating a guy whom I also met in Tinder, we have absolutely similar political views with him, we somehow felt it right away in the correspondence, then on the first date I made sure that he was a professional, that he was against the war, well, in general, all some important points were set up, and I think that well, now you can sleep.

Dobromir, 27: “Soul qualities: decency, courage, judgment, stamina, justice, optimism

Interests: martial arts, health, massage, power sports, weapons, wooden architecture.

I am looking for: a girl under 27 years old, for a start, communication, and then it will be visible. I prefer household, patient, calm and wise girls with traditional values ​​.. z patriots and not Slavic girls, do not write each other anyway. ”

My own latest dates were during mobilization - at that moment all the acquaintances seemed to be stupefied, Eros and Tanatos rang on the streets, and I walked in the center as a drunk. The bars were stuffed with people, quiet nooks - crying women or beautiful men with a suitcase. All men generally sharply became beautiful for these few weeks.

I was sausage, like everyone else, and at this difficult moment I decided that I would go on a date with the coolest guy who remained in the city, I just need to understand who it was. I announce the casting on Instagram, I am a few timid applications. One evening, without choosing, I have dinner in a cafe in the area. On the contrary, a cinema handsome, broad -shouldered and curly sits - is even too good, so much that it is no longer quite in my taste. He looks in my direction and writes something in a notebook. He asks the cigarette in a soft voice, and we leave this basement to smoke together.

For the first time in my life, I am doing this, I am sure that I would not have decided on such stupidity before: I write my phone number on a cigarette and leave him, "leaving in the rain." Five minutes later, a message from Votsap from the business account comes to me, he turns out to be a participant in the Battle of Psychics. Perhaps this was the "coolest guy in the city", but our date was terrible. I got bored of his narcissistic stories, and, it seems, in revenge, he mixed something in a non-alcoholic beer.

Shortly before that, I broke up with my boyfriend and seemed to spend him to Kazakhstan. He, however, did not leave to Kazakhstan and returned to me a few days later with an amazing offer. Before me, he had already gone to his very first former, but she did not agree, because her mother was dying and she looked after her. My mother has already died, so now he made this offer to me - to go to Argentina with him and help him transfer his money there.

Distributing from the dubious moral qualities of some leaving men, I met one after another who decided to stay. And these guys were in vicious delight: “Finally, in the air is a movement”, “Some kind of change”, according to which they were so annoying. They saw some heroism in staying and watching.

Familiar boys say on the phone: “Come up, how cool it will be that some men will die, and we will survive, but to be honest, I sometimes begin to catch myself on crazy thought: maybe go there?” “Yes, even I feel it,” the other replies. - That's how to make a manicure for the first time. I decided that at such a time I would be as beautiful as possible. ”

"They will then ask us, where were you?" - says the tube. “Nothing,” another with manicure replies, “we will come up with something in Photoshop.” The voice in the tube laughs and says: “But imagine, you went once, and you have such a shock-content for life, you can flite this before old age!”

Many of my acquaintances with an anti -war position seriously began to think that going to war would not be such a bad idea. This, finally, "would give their life meaning." At the same time, I did not meet a single woman thinking about anything like that. The value of life, its preservation, its simple flow - all this is a hundred times higher for us, and these children with pipes and automatic machines that we loved, from whom friends gave birth to children, dream of a “flex”.

But how does this desire to fight? Is it not because men in Russia could not build a normal life, to achieve something in order to fight now for this normality-at least fleeing, even with a seat on the pope exactly? “Yes,” some of them answer me, “because. We did not succeed. "

I think this is brilliant. To make people so led and tired of running around the unattainable carrot of welfare that they are ready to be happy to abandon this evil run and just surrender to death. A whole country of young and old men, soaked with this strange desire.

The problem of military editing is not that you can accidentally run into a military or bang-patriot in Tinder-it is much wider. And in the features of education, and in infantilism, and in gender socialization. In short, she ended up in men in general.

Мы ненавидим мужчин за то, что они начали войну, и за то, что теперь они отсюда бегут, оставляя своих женщин в опустевших квартирах — решать вопросы, заниматься документами, поддерживать культурный облик и сраный очаг городов, который скоро придется топить книгами и роялем.

Слава, 30 : «‎Эх, как же хочется худенькую, бледную, не очень высокую, девственную, нецелованную, с тонкими руками, небольшими ступнями, синяками под глазами, растрепанными или неуложенными волосами, ненакрашенную, забитую хикку, лохушку без друзей и подруг, закрытую социофобку, одновременно мечтающую о ком-то близком, чтобы зашел к ней в мирок, но ничего не ломал по возможности, дабы вместе с ней изолироваться от неприятного социума».

Мы с историком из бота для знакомств сидим на свидании во дворике на второй день мобилизации. Пара очень уверенных в себе кавказцев подходят к подъезду с бумажками. Они звонят в домофон, я все понимаю. «Сергея не знаете?»

«‎Вы к нему с повесткой?» — спрашиваю спокойно. Отвечают: «‎Мы, эмм, помогаем».

Как только они заходят в подъезд, я говорю историку: «‎Бежим отсюда!»

Наше свидание заканчивается невинно. Я прошу его посторожить мой сон в неуютно-огромной квартире, которую друзьям пришлось спешно бросить, чтобы бежать из страны, а я согласилась присмотреть за их кошкой. Мы спим, как дети, на разных сторонах кровати, иногда припадая на плечи друг друга. Мы рисковали, потому что совсем не знали друг друга, но уже рассказали друг другу то, чего рассказывать незнакомцу не стоит, так что теперь можно и поспать.

Через несколько дней я смотрю, как на балконе курят красивые, сильные, успешные женщины в платьях. Это день рождения, где нет мужчин: они уехали. Вместо них — маленькие собачки на женских руках.

«‎Парни посыпались».
«‎Они чморили нас за походы на психотерапию, за наш быт и тревоги, но оказались совершенно не приспособлены к беде, они сломались, они не могут даже погуглить билеты».
«Я вывезла уже сотни таких, я проводила таких своих. Зачем они вообще нужны, боже, как хорошо было бы быть лесбиянкой».
«‎Может быть, нам понравится без них. Я думаю, что, возможно, нам очень даже понравится без наших мужей».

Слово «‎сдулись» от женщин в адрес мужчин я слышала за эти полтора года десятки раз.

Письмо №3 Моя подруга Алиса

Полтора года я не занималась дейтингом принципиально. Прежде я очень активно это практиковала, потратив на свидания, наверное, три года своей жизни. В основном это был негативный опыт, иногда нейтральный, очень редко — хороший. Я заметила, как мужчины хотят решить за счет женщин очень много личных проблем. От меня все время требовали эмоционального обслуживания. Люди ждали эмпатии, инициативы, внимания и бесконечного участия, но самим им было нечего мне предложить — хоть пачку печенья, хоть сексуальные практики. Это всегда была очень односторонняя транзакция.

Когда началась война, я наблюдала чудовищную, искаженную гендерную динамику. Мужчин массово парализовало, а женщины начали решать проблемы за себя, за того парня и за всех остальных. Это я заметила в начале войны, это я заметила особенно во время мобилизации, и, к сожалению, на моих глазах происходило некоторое количество очень некрасивых картин и очень некрасивых расставаний, которые я просто считывала как безумный пацанский инфантилизм и нежелание решать никакие проблемы.

Сейчас я нахожусь в Ереване. Когда началась мобилизация, сюда приехало много мужчин. Они приехали, собранные своими женщинами. Они ходили на свидания со статусом «‎ все сложно » , хотя ничего сложного там не было: их женщины остались в России, а они здесь были свободны.

Довольно большое количество людей, которые были в отношениях, при этом сидели в чужом городе в тиндере и никому об этом не рассказывали.

Еще одна вещь, которая меня дико напрягает, — количество усилий, которые сейчас надо прикладывать для выживания пары. Расклад пятилетней давности, который работал в Москве, уже не работает в военных обстоятельствах.

Можно в ситуации полной стабильности, на мой взгляд, сохранять какие-то, не знаю, полиаморные там или серые зоны отношений, когда у тебя есть определенность материальная, когда ты самовыражен, когда у тебя друзья есть, Но когда у тебя ничего из этого не осталось, когда ты находишься в другой стране и к тебе подваливает человек со словами «не знаю, чего хочу» или «что получится, то получится» — это вот вообще не то, на что хочешь тратить свое время.

Мне кажется, война показала, насколько каждый человек готов брать ответственность за себя и своих близких. И мне кажется, дисбаланс между российскими мужчинами и женщинами здесь абсолютно катастрофический.

Я видела, как девушка шарашит на работе, а дома валится с ног от усталости и депрессии, а чувак нюхает, бухает, курит, совокупляется с кем попало — вот у них перерыв, поэтому так вот можно. This does not withstand any criticism.

Война показала, что в целом каждый сам за себя. Да, какое-то меньшинство способно проделывать колоссальную работу над собой и над отношениями, но таких мужчин я знаю всего несколько.

Сама я не пошла в дейтинг, потому что поняла, что я начну решать свои экзистенциальные проблемы перебиранием новых типажей, новых связей, отправляя людям противоречивые сигналы, не понимая, как сложится мое будущее.

Комфорт, секс, поднятие самооценки, флирт — это все, конечно, неплохо, но в нездоровой ситуации, в нестабильной политической обстановке, в нестабильной жизни это все-таки отвлечение. Это как смотреть сериалы на «Титанике»: можно, да, действительно, но «Титаник» продолжит тонуть.

Friends with benefits на горящем вулкане для меня не работает, не работает порхание с человека на человека, не работает секс, который, как мне кажется, вообще мало у кого работает. Большинство людей, с кем я общалась за последние полтора года, говорят, что у них очень сильные проблемы с сексом, их или уносит в нимфоманию, или, наоборот, все очень сильно подавлено.

Дейтиться в такой нездоровой атмосфере — это согласиться на разгребание чужих проблем, это неминуемо быть использованной.

Оговорюсь, мне 36 лет, я взрослый человек, я долго была замужем, у меня моногамные установки, я цисгендерная гетеронормативная женщина, и во многих вещах, конечно, я очень традиционно смотрю на семью. Для меня семья — это твое войско, с которым вы эти молнии отражаете вместе и прячетесь от невзгод, дом — это тихая гавань.

По-моему, именно сфера отношений в этом году затрещала по швам не меньше, чем всякие карточки Swift.

Заканчивая свою переписку с Боссом России, я пишу:

«‎Понимаешь, я не люблю последнюю букву латинского алфавита».
Он понимает не сразу, но все же понимает: «‎И даже если я через 26 дней увольняюсь?»
«Ну твои взгляды же не поменяются через 26 дней», — отвечаю ему.
Подумав, он пишет: «Ну, я бы тоже хотел, чтобы это поскорее закончилось».

Амир, 32: «‎Ты случайно не “Счастливая Россия будущего”? Тогда почему я тебя так хочу?»