‘If I stay silent, my heart will burst’

How a Russian surgeon went from believing Kremlin propaganda to risking her freedom to oppose the war

Olga Avdeyeva is a surgeon and mother of five from Izhevsk, the capital of Russia’s Republic of Udmurtia. In August 2022, she left an anti-war message beneath a large Z symbol on the side of the local theater that she passed every day on her way to work. Almost a year later, Olga was charged with “discrediting” the Russian Armed Forces. She’s now facing a fine of up to 300,000 rubles ($3,330) or up to five years in prison, but she insists she has no regrets. The independent outlet 7x7 recently told Avdeyeva’s story. Meduza retells it in English.

A turning point

On February 24, 2022, one of Olga Avdeyeva’s colleagues arrived at work in an especially good mood. “Happy start of the war!” she said. Olga couldn’t help it: she responded with a Ukrainian phrase.

“War is horrible and inhumane,” she explained to 7x7. “Like the rest of the world, I couldn’t fully believe that someone in their right mind could make that decision.”

But just a few years earlier, Olga had also believed Russia’s propagandists’ stories about Ukrainian “aggression” in the Donbas. In 2014, she even tried to send her husband there to “protect Russians.” It was only in 2019, when she watched some of the documentaries released by opposition politician Alexey Navalny, that she realized she had fallen victim to disinformation, she said.

Olga was first fined by the authorities in 2021, after she was arrested for taking part in an unauthorized rally in support of Navalny. On March 13, 2022, she took part in an anti-war rally, where she held a sign with the Ukrainian flag on Izhevsk’s Central Square.

“When I came to the square, there were only a few police officers. They took me away to the police station. Then they brought about ten more people there who had been dancing in the square. There were some very nice women,” she told 7x7.

By that time, Russia’s new wartime laws against “disinformation” had come into effect. Olga was charged with “discrediting” the military and fined 15,000 rubles ($165).

Later, she was fined 1,000 rubles ($11) for sharing a post online that the authorities said contained “fascist” symbolism. She also started making posts of her own in which she suggested that Udmurtia’s governor and lawmakers go to the trenches themselves, but she soon stopped because she wasn’t finding support from other users. That’s when she decided to find a new way to protest the war.

‘Like they caught an American spy’

The hospital where Olga Avdeyeva works is located next to the Izhevsk Opera and Ballet Theater. Every day when she walked past it, Avdeyeva would see the letter Z in the colors of the ribbon of St. George (a Russian military symbol) on a wall of the building.

One day in the summer of 2022, Olga drove to the theater at about 6:00 a.m. and spray-painted the word “fascists” under the Z before returning home. It took her less than five minutes.

“I didn’t even bring my phone with me to take a photo. But the world is full of kind people: someone took a picture of it, and it spread across the Internet. It was quickly painted over,” she said.

For a while, Olga waited to see whether the authorities would find her. When it seemed that they wouldn’t, she decided to go restore her message.

“I actually have very little time. I have small children. I work two jobs: every day from 8:00 to 4:00, plus two other shifts each week. But one day I was working the night shift and there was nothing going on, so I decided to quickly go [to the theater] and write my message. I climbed over the gate, took out my spray paint, and had just started when they arrested me,” she told 7x7.

According to Olga, after her first graffiti, the police had stationed somebody in the bushes outside the theater to keep watch. When the young officers put handcuffs on Olga, she was struck by how delighted they were: “It was like they had caught an American spy.” Olga didn’t panic.

“I don’t want to fear anybody in my hometown. Including the police, who have helped me multiple times before and who defended me in other cases,” she said. (Olga has sued her husband three times for domestic violence.)

At the station, the police promised Olga that they wouldn’t open a criminal case against her if she didn’t participate in public protests.

“No violence, no insults. But they did ask me several times: ‘Why did you do that? After all, they’re Nazis! Why are you supporting Nazis?’ ‘Have you seen any Nazis?’ I asked them. In other words, these people are deceived, like I used to be,” she said.

Olga agreed to the officers’ demands because prosecution would have meant losing her job. She stayed silent for the next year.

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‘I’d rather die than live in a totalitarian society’

In late June 2023, Olga attended an anti-war protest with a sign that read “Russia is doing evil.” She wore a Ukrainian flower crown on her head. The police arrested her immediately.

“I was mentally prepared to be prosecuted again. But in the past, they never shared my details publicly; they just wrote that I was a 47-year-old woman. This time, as soon as they opened the case, the media was sharing my name and photograph. I assume it was leaked intentionally. Evidently, they decided to publicize the process,” she said.

Olga acknowledged that things would have been easier without the publicity, but she said she understood it was a risk when she decided to protest.

“My goal is to stop the war. One thing that helps achieve that goal is to get people talking about it. Hopefully my case can be the impetus for that. At least people are talking about it, as opposed to the deathly silence that happens when everybody’s afraid. I decided long ago that I’d rather die than live in a totalitarian society. I’ve made my choice. I won’t be silent. If I stay silent, my heart will burst,” she explained.

Some of Olga’s colleagues support the war and are hoping to see Ukraine destroyed. But others support Olga: she can see it, she said, even if they don’t say anything to her.

Olga is currently restricted from leaving her town, and believes that if the court finds her guilty, she’ll lose her job.

“I’m a grown woman, and I’m ready for anything,” she said. “I’ll go wash cars if I have to. The last time I went to protest, I was unable to suppress my feelings. I believe I did the right thing. I couldn’t stay silent.”

Olga’s husband, Mikhail, supports her activism. Her son from her first marriage, however, recently returned from his year of military service and lives with his father. According to Olga, he supports the war and wants to go fight in Ukraine.

“I’ve managed to talk him out of it for now, but he’s a free person; the choice is his. I’m powerless to stop him. ‘If you kill a single Ukrainian, I’ll never look you in the eyes again,’ I told him. I hope he doesn’t make a mistake,” she said.

Story by 7x7

English-language version by Sam Breazeale