It's hard for me to deal with parting

We tell you how to survive parting without harm to the psyche

The psychologists and coordinator of the school for psychologists “Pure Cognitive” Regina Yakubzhanova told the “cold” which stages are waiting for partners after a breakdown of relations and what to do if it seems that the parting was a mistake.

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What emotional stages does a person pass after parting?

Parting is largely similar to the experience of loss in the event of the death of a loved one. But there are important differences. With the loss, there is no longer any hope that a person will return - this is a definite completion of a relationship. And when parting, one of the partners or both still feel hope, doubt, regret or anxiety.

1. Collision with the fact of parting . At this stage, we often experience shock and the feeling that the world is crumbling, especially if the parting was sudden. The reactions are different:

2. Negation. We may not be aware of what is happening or refuse to believe him, tell ourselves that “this could not happen”, “no, I cannot break our marriage, it’s not me”, “this is all not true.”

3. Destructive behavior. Some resort to narcotic substances, alcohol or suicidal behavior.
4. Attempts to influence a partner. In the hope of changing the situation, we can try to influence a person: “You cannot do this”, “Everything will be in order, we can handle it”, “If you leave, I will commit suicide”, “I will do everything you want.”

5. Accusation of everything or partner, anger.

6. Experience in loss. At this stage, we conduct an inventory of what we have lost, and also say goodbye to this. In the process, we feel a lot of grief and sadness, but the hope for another outcome can remain. A person is experiencing a loss:

7. close;

8. all valuable that gave these relations;
9. general history;
10. laid routine;
11. general future;

12. their identity.

13. Awareness of loss. Here we are faced with the irreversibility of parting:

14. We understand that it was all over;

15. we lose the remnants of hope for restoration of relations;

16. We are trying to realize the reasons for what happened.

17. Adaptation. We begin to live our life:

18. We notice the pluses of parting and see new opportunities;

19. We see the future without a partner not only negatively;
20. We get used to the new routine;
21. We begin to realize ourselves as an individual and interesting person;

22. We find new meanings, goals, pleasure, ways to satisfy needs.

23. Acceptance of what happened and completion of adaptation . Here we accept that past relations and parting are part of our experience. Life is of interest, and there is a desire to gain new experience.

24. We no longer feel sad, disappointment or intensive sadness.

25. We are gratitude for the beautiful and treat ourselves with understanding of general mistakes.
26. We feel some liberation from the separation process.
27. We can calmly remember what happened.

At different stages, a person can experience different emotions. For example, at the first stage you learned about treason, which is why you experienced shock and anger. The same emotions can occur during the experience of loss in response to memories of a good or pain caused to you. And during adaptation, a feeling of deep sadness, characteristic of the stage of experience of loss, may return.

It is important to say that any stages of parting are conditional and they do not have the right order. For example, the transition from one stage to another and vice versa is normal. Also, our experiences are affected by the nature of the relationship, their duration, the causes of parting, and whether it was sudden or deliberate, personal features, mental features, and the current life situation.

Are the stages of parting the initiator of parting and the one with whom they broke up?

In general, both partners are experiencing similar stages, but it depends on the situation. The initiator may also face doubts: “I still can’t handle it”, “I'm not so sure of my decision,” “I don’t want to lose a partner,” “What if this is a mistake?” He, like his former partner, loses Rutin, a common story and future, and he will also have to build a new life.

Even if the initiator decided to break long before it was announced, in reality, parting may not be felt as he was waiting.

The differences may be that:

• The initiator is unlikely to be in a state of shock. Instead, he will have to face the manifestations of a partner's shock. This can provoke severe pain, because his actions made a poorly to his loved one.

• The initiator can be more ready for a break emotionally and physically - is ready to move, he already has a potential partner or he managed to think about a separate future, getting used to this thought. And the second person has only to go through all this.

A joint decision on parting is the best option, since for any of the partners this will not be news: you can avoid shock and together comprehend what happened.

What to do if you are stuck at any of the stages?

It is worth thinking: you really got stuck or too little time has passed? It is important to give yourself space to survive all stages.

If you still feel that you are not moving anywhere, you should look at the methods that you help yourself. Perhaps they no longer work. Ask yourself questions:

• What is happening to me? How do I feel? What am I thinking about?
• What helps me cope with experiences?
• Does it get it easier for me?
• How else can I help myself? What else can I lean on?

Why may there be a regret about parting?

When we part, we make a choice, while we do not have the opportunity to calculate all the consequences. You cannot find the "right" path and protect yourself from experiences. Probably, you are waiting for both pleasant and unpleasant emotions at any outcome.

Faced with difficulties, we can feel regret regardless of the choice made. It is important to realize that this is a natural reaction that can arise as a result of any solution. It does not necessarily mean that we made the wrong choice.

How to distinguish sadness after parting from regret?

There is rather no clear boundary between these concepts. Regret includes a revaluation of the decision. A person wants him to make another decision in the past, because the consequences are felt unfavorable.

Regret can be interpreted for yourself very differently. From “it was a terrible mistake” to “it is a normal part of the parting process”. And there is no correct interpretation. There is one that can help act in accordance with what we want to see our life.

Want to return everything back or return yourself - normal. Do not return and move on too. Only you know what to do.

The usual sadness is more about sadness from what has lost than about the desire to return the time back and make another decision.

Yesterday, the former partner was disgusted, and today I miss. Am I going crazy?

This often happens at the first time after parting, when emotions are still intense. The brain tries to adapt to a new reality and rushes from one thoughts and feelings for others. Parting almost always causes conflicting feelings: on the one hand, we are still emotionally connected with a person, and on the other hand, he caused us pain. There are no “right” feelings, as it makes sense to look for the answer to the question “What do I really feel?”.

Memory intentionally blocks strong negative memories, for the sake of our mental health. This allows us to look at the world more positively and continue to live. If we did not have such a mechanism, then we would probably have fallen into severe depression and could not survive.

What can interfere with the sorting out?

• The prolonged use of psychoactive substances, social and labor isolation, self -flagellation, the search for guilty, inventing the script in which everything would be different, self -confusion;

• An unfavorable life situation, lack of help and support from loved ones, or their accusations and reproaches, lack of financial independence, mental and physical diseases, anxious and avoiding type of affection.

Is it normal to be distracted from experiences?

Yes, absolutely. Especially in the beginning, when we are still in a state of acute stress. Sometimes it is even necessary to survive the primary shock. Main:

• use methods that do not harm health;
• Do not use the distraction to the detriment of the quality of life (for example, too long, since it is still important for us to move on to other, more active stages of parting and to help ourselves).

How to build borders with a former partner?

Often people have a common work, friends, the places they go to. And, of course, children. All this should be discussed with a former partner:

• Can we work together? What are the rules? Who will look for a new place?
• How will we communicate with common friends? Can we both come to meetings or will we communicate with friends in turn?
• Who will the child live with?

All these are difficult, but important topics. If the couple can’t talk on their own, then you should try to contact a family psychologist.

If the former partner is not ready to make contact, this is the most difficult. Unfortunately, we cannot change the behavior of another person, and this awareness requires strength and wisdom. In this case, we can only unilaterally determine the rational boundaries of your relationship and ask them to adhere to.

Is it worth maintaining friendly communication?

Everything is very individual. Communication can lead to the fact that we will preserve a loved one, or can lead to the fact that we will hurt each other stronger.

Friendship after parting requires more wisdom, awareness and emotional regulation than ordinary friendship, since we are more vulnerable and the behavior of a former partner can hurt us. But if both understand the risks, are ready to carefully treat each other and talk - there is no reason to refuse.

How to help yourself move on?

• Remember that no one knows how to properly experience parting-this will help you not to spend precious resources on the thought that something is wrong with you or you are incorrectly living emotions.
• Feel free to ask your family and friends - after all, you are experiencing one of the most painful experiments in human life. Yes, this is not a disease, but it is very, very difficult. You have every right to do so.
• Do not forget about basic needs: food, sleep and physical activity. So you will help the body cope with stress.
• Make a list of internal and external supports in your life without a partner. Examples of internal supports: I can earn money, I easily find a common language, I can support myself. Examples of external supports: friends, pillow of safety, work, apartment. So you will understand that even if it seems that you are falling into the abyss, you have something that will pick you up.
• Try to pay attention to yourself and your life more often: “How do I feel?”, “How can I help myself?”, “What would be important for me, interesting, nice to do today?” This will help to continue to live in the process of parting, and not wait for it to end.
• If it is completely difficult for you, remember that this period will certainly end. So it will not always be, and soon you will feel different.
• You can turn to the literature for help (the “gap” Susan Elliot, the “power of attachment” by Sue Johnson, “when life knocks down” the dawn Harris) and psychologists.

When to contact a specialist?

• symptoms of depression ;
• suicidal thoughts or intention to commit suicide;
• Experience in parting significantly affects the quality of your life (decrease in working capacity, life -threatening behavior, abuse of surfactants , problems with concentration, obsessive thoughts);
• The behavior of a former partner significantly affects your mental health;
• You need additional support.