I want to hold everything in my hands

We tell you how to get rid of hypercontrol

Many people try to control everything that happens around them: from their personal lives to social processes. However, it is impossible to do this, and trying may even become a problem and reduce the quality of life. “Kholod” spoke with clinical psychologist Artem Annenkov, who explained why hypercontrol is dangerous for a person and his environment.

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The desire for control is normal: we analyze information and choose the best behavior strategy to avoid the negative consequences of something.

The brain's job is to worry in order to increase the chances of survival. When we begin to listen to thoughts whose task is to eliminate danger, we experience anxiety. It motivates us to increase control. For example, we try to control the behavior of other people, our behavior or thoughts.

But the task of hypercontrol is to regulate not the consequences of behavior, but anxiety. A person is uncomfortable not because he will be late, but because he worries that he might be late. So he sets 10 alarms to reduce his anxiety.

Signs of hypercontrol:

• Checking something over and over again or planning too carefully.
• Do not let others do things on their own, take on their tasks (to the detriment of yourself).
• Smother with care.
• Limit the behavior of loved ones: decide how they should spend their time, how they should behave, impose their views, values, rules of life.
• Monitor feedback from others, evaluate their behavior through affirmation of self-importance, or connect the reasons for their mood with your behavior.
• Add a sense of duty or guilt to make people feel obligated to you.

Why does the desire to control everything arise?

Each person has a different nervous system (how resistant it is to prolonged exposure to a stimulus) and its excitability. Because of this, people's reactions to the same events differ. For example, a person with high excitability does not have inhibition - he seems to have received an answer to the question of where the partner is, but the reaction continues, and mentally he spins non-existent negative events, because of this, anxiety and the desire to control the partner only intensify.

Childhood experiences can also influence the emergence of hypercontrol. For example, as a child, a person got scared when they shouted at him, which is why he began to try to guess the mood of adults. Such experiences can lead to the judgment that the world is unsafe: you must try to control everything around you in order to feel calm.

This can also happen in adulthood. For example, if a person witnessed a threat to life and health and stopped leaving the house so as not to get into such a situation again, or does not go out for a walk after dark.

When does control become an issue?

Control becomes a problem when its disadvantages outweigh its advantages. When the desire to control something turns into an obsession, at such moments a person loses touch with the present. Overcontrol can lead to panic attacks, mental disorders and hypochondria. For example, making regular check-ups is control. And constantly going to doctors for no reason, looking for symptoms and feeling anxious about your health is hypercontrol.

Or, for example, if it manifests itself through jealousy, when a person says: “Show me the phone. Where have you been? Post a photo of who you’re sitting with.” Excessive jealousy will lead to the destruction of relationships: both romantic and friendly. If we are talking about meeting with friends, and it is important for a person to be called, you can say this without violating the personal boundaries of others. But if a person begins to find out every time whether his friends met without him, whether they had a good time without him, this is hypercontrol.

It is impossible to keep everything under control all the time. When a person spends too many resources trying to do this, he becomes exhausted, stressed, does not allow himself to rest, and often does not know how to do it. He denies himself personal matters: “What wife, what children? I work until 12 for everyone.”

Such people often make lists, they have everything according to plan, there is no spontaneity. On the one hand, planning is useful: it helps in emergency situations. On the other hand, you should not allow him to control your life and drive you into a framework from which it is difficult to break out. This way you can become a hostage to plans, graphs and schedules, stop acting spontaneously and start missing out on new opportunities.

How does hypercontrol affect others?

It's easier to control what's close. Usually these are friends, relatives, partners. The controlling person begins to deprive them of personal boundaries and autonomy, to tell them how to live, what to wear, what to do. But this has consequences: the partner may leave if his every move is controlled, and the child will ask to leave him alone and move out when he turns 18.

If a parent is worried that there are many diseases in the world, he begins to control the child’s every step. He develops cognitive distortions - for example, that everything around him is dangerous. The parent tries to formulate his beliefs into rules, the rules into expectations or requirements for others.

A parent may also worry about the child’s future. For example, because his career was difficult and he worked a lot because his family did not live well. As a result, he does not allow the child to spend time idle.

Hypercontrol can also be harmful at work. For example, the boss does not know how to delegate tasks and believes that only he can do everything perfectly. Employees will wonder why they are not being allowed to work and develop. Consequently, their relationship with their superiors will deteriorate, and the boss may no longer cope with the responsibility he has assumed.

What to do if you want to keep everything under control?

The first thing that can help is accepting that not everything in life can be controlled. For example, if you are afraid that you will be attacked in your yard, you can think like this: “Yes, walking down the street is scary, but I bought pepper spray and learned how to use it, so I feel safer.”

An exercise that can help is “I have a thought.” For example, you thought: “He doesn’t call me. He got into a car accident". The first step is to say the thought and pay attention to your feelings. The second step is to say, “I have a feeling he was in an accident.” Observe the sensations again. The third step is “I notice that I have the idea that he was in an accident.” Notice how your emotions change as you go. This is how we distance ourselves from thoughts and control our impulses, anxiety and behavior. For example, so as not to break down and go to your partner with the thought that you will meet him with his lover.

You can also use the exposure method - encounter the frightening. Gradually leave the control zone. For example, if you are afraid of heights, then you should not immediately go up to the 10th floor. You can gradually go up a couple of floors and stand there to get used to the new sensations. This approach is less painful than immediately facing fear.