Am I being manipulated?

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What are manipulations and what are they?

Manipulation is hidden coercion, an attempt to force a person to do something. Most often, the purpose of manipulation is to obtain benefits, that is, money or other material resources, or, for example, to destroy someone’s relationship. But those who manipulate do not always realize that they are doing it.

Manipulation often deprives a person of his right to vote when his values are neglected, his emotional and sometimes physical needs are ignored. In such situations, a partner, friend or other loved one may act against your will or put their thoughts and feelings above yours: for example, in response to a request to stop offensive jokes or nicknames, the interlocutor reproaches you for lacking a sense of humor.

The most common manipulations

Deception . It can also be false promises, omissions or exaggerations.

Suggestion. For example, you are persuaded to quickly close a deal or sign an agreement without reading it. In such situations, they may put pressure on you, saying that time is limited or that there is “only one” apartment or car left at this price.

Intimidation. For example, this is a threat to fire if the employee does not work overtime, or a threat to disclose some personal information if you do not comply with the interlocutor’s conditions.

Gaslighting . With this manipulation, a person creates the feeling that there is something wrong with you, that you are not responsible for your actions, or that you are making mistakes that you do not notice. Common examples: “You always turn everything upside down,” “You came up with it all.” Gaslighting can be devastating to the mental health of those targeted and can last for years. In the thriller Gaslight, you can see how gaslighting works from the inside, and the term comes from the title of the play on which the film is based.

Appeal to feelings of guilt or shame . For example, this is a phrase familiar to many from childhood: “Shame on you for behaving like that!” Such manipulations can be more complex and subtle: for example, a daughter goes to her home, and the mother calls an ambulance, claiming that she “fell ill” because she feels abandoned.

Distraction. This manipulation is often used to avoid responsibility. For example, a person was late, but instead of apologizing he says: “Oh, you’re always late yourself - last Tuesday you were 15 minutes late.” And now a feeling of guilt arises in you, although the interlocutor was late.

Is manipulation always bad? Can they be part of healthy communication?

Yes, manipulation can be part of constructive communication. We constantly resort to different forms of manipulation, it’s just that some of them are considered ethical and some are not.

There is even such a science - behavioral economics. She looks at how people can be manipulated for their own benefit. For example, some cafes and hotels place healthy foods in more prominent places; PSAs appeal to our sense of guilt and responsibility to encourage us to sort our trash.

Manipulation is also used for educational purposes, because direct communication with young children does not always work. Parents tailor the message to the child and do not always tell him, for example, that the vaccination he needs to get protects him from a dangerous disease. Is this manipulation? To some extent, yes. Are we benefiting from it? Without a doubt. But in this case we act in the interests of the child and society as a whole.

Which manipulations can you encounter in everyday life?

A huge number of manipulations are used in marketing strategies or when managing a team. Almost all the time, people are manipulated to some degree as they shop, work, and interact with others. When your boss tells you that you'll have to work seven days a week to get a promotion next month, when your partner or friend pointedly doesn't talk to you to encourage an apology, or when your child pretends to be sick to avoid going to school, it's all manipulation.

When is a person most vulnerable to them?

when we have high levels of stress or some emotional event occurs;
threat to our lives and safety;
we have a serious physical condition or severe pain;
a state of partial loss of control (for example, intoxication or fatigue);
uncertainty (moving to a new country, city);
lack of resources (money, time);
we depend on another person, for example emotionally.

In such situations, it is especially important to be able to step back from the situation and think critically, for example, carefully read contracts and double-check everything.

How to resist manipulation?

Most often, manipulation is possible where the boundaries and rules of communication are blurred, so in order to maintain control over the situation, it is worth clearly formulating the rules. You can rely on your boundaries in difficult moments, for example, telling your partner or parent: “You can’t do this to me.”

It is important to establish a clear system of relationships both at work and in personal life. The more vague your responsibilities at work, the more non-core tasks you may be given. However, with people on whom you depend in some way, it can be difficult to establish clear boundaries in the relationship. If you cannot defend your boundaries and you are faced with threats from your superiors or violence from a partner or parent, you probably need to leave the relationship or seek protection from the relevant authorities.

You also need to be careful. Roughly speaking, you need to be a little skeptic and not believe in miracles. If you are offered a quick and unrealistically high profit, then it is very likely that this is either a scam or an illegal business. You need to try to approach everything critically and look at the situation from the outside. It would also be a good idea to ask your loved ones for advice or find out how dangerous they think the situation in which you find yourself is.

Resisting manipulation by using the same methods in response is like trying to win at cards from a sharper. Sometimes it can work out if you are more experienced, but another question arises: does such behavior correspond to your value system? If not, then it is better to leave communication. Most likely, you will lose to someone who plays unethically, or you yourself will begin to use his methods, which can also harm you as an individual, and such damage will be much more significant.

What should I do if I notice that I am manipulating myself?

People may manipulate others out of feelings of vulnerability, fear of losing loved ones or being rejected, and often this happens unconsciously. It is difficult to detect your own manipulations - usually people learn about this from partners and loved ones, but with a high level of self-reflection and the ability to analyze your actions, you can still understand this yourself.

It can be difficult to stop manipulating, even if your actions offend the other person, undermine their trust, or contradict your value system. Often we manipulate due to the lack of a template for how to act ethically in a given situation. Here are some helpful tips to help you act more ethically:

try to analyze your feelings and start talking about them directly. For example, instead of being intimidated by a breakup, explain to your partner what offends you about his behavior and what you would like instead;
learn to express your dissatisfaction, irritation and anger openly and environmentally;
develop sensitivity to the vulnerability of other people, try to put yourself in the shoes of your interlocutor and look at the situation through his system of values and attitudes.