How not to lose friends in exile?

We tell you how to maintain friendship if you live in different cities or countries

“Cold” talked with the psychologists of Regina Yakubzhanova about how to maintain friendship at a distance, transfer her online and not go crazy with loneliness when your loved ones are far away.

In order not to miss the main materials of the "cold", subscribe to our Instagram and telegram .

One of the most difficult events when moving is parting with friends, especially if you are accustomed to see often. If you are worried that the move will negatively affect your relationship, you can talk to your friend about your fears, say that you may not temporarily maintain your relationship . You can also discuss which format of communication is most suitable in your situation: calls, voice messages or correspondence. The main thing is to find a suitable option that everyone will like .

But sometimes there may be a feeling that your relationship is still deteriorating. Here are some of the reasons why difficulties arise in friendship:

• Personal features. Someone perceives communication with a friend as compulsory and constant, and its absence is as the end of a relationship. And someone, on the contrary, appreciates a rare, but high-quality pastime.
• Life changes. For example, the appearance of children, emigration, divorce, depressive episode, new work - we may simply not remain a resource to maintain friendly relations.
• Personal changes. We (and our friends) are changing, we have new goals, interests or experiences. This can affect communicating with friends.
• Different needs. For example, a friend needs more support than we can give her.
• Different expectations. We think that to forget to congratulate a friend on his birthday is not so scary, while for him this is a way to show attention.
• Bad communication. For example, one side wants to understand the conflict, but the other is not ready for this. Then the relationship, most likely, will suffer from the uninhabited stress.

How to maintain friendship at a distance?

To begin with, it is important to accept that communication will change and most likely will mainly happen online. This can scare you, there may be a feeling of loss, pain, sadness or irritation. All these feelings have a place, and you can live them together with friends, talking and supporting each other. Maintaining relationships at a distance can be more difficult than ordinary ones, but it is definitely possible.

The loss of the old form of communication does not mean that the relationship will deteriorate . On the contrary, this may turn out to be an opportunity to enrich friendship with new experience if you are both ready to devote time and energy to this. The distance will not make the relationship with dry and uninteresting, they will always have a place for spontaneity and fun.

It is worth frankly talking with a friend about what is important for each of you and how you can continue friendship at a distance, find out your needs and expectations. Such conversations will help to avoid misunderstandings and disappointments in the future.

You can also think through or even write your traditions, rules, wishes to maintain friendship. For example:

• choose a day for joint watching films or series;
• choose a day for a video call to tell each other about last week behind a glass of wine;
• have dinner by video communication in a restaurant, cafe or home;
• send one word or meme that characterizes this day in the evening;
• play online games;
• send mini-gifts or letters once a month;
• create a common playlist;
• Together start online courses or language learning.

If you and your friends share the distance, but it is very difficult for you to call up and correspond, you need to reduce online communication with friends to your limits acceptable for you and look for opportunities to meet. For example, you can go to visit each other or meet in third cities or countries.

How to deal with a sense of loneliness when everything is far away?

Having lost from the usual rhythm of life, where there were many meetings with friends, it is difficult not to feel lonely and isolated. In this difficult time, you first need to admit your feelings. In case of serious changes, it is absolutely normal to feel lonely and depressed or even fear. To cope with unusual or severe feelings, you can try to find a new circle of communication and an interesting hobby for you in a new place, build a routine.

Remember that adaptation is a nonlinear process. Most likely, at times you will feel deterioration. How can you help yourself:

• Maintain contact with friends and loved ones, from which you had to go away. Call more often, write, share your feelings and experiences and do not forget to be interested in their life.
• Go to events or join groups where you can find people with common interests. In the best case, it will be possible to get to know someone, in the worst-to find out something new.
• Write to an old acquaintance . Try to remember if some acquaintances or colleagues live in a new place. Perhaps you are already familiar with someone here, and it makes sense to resume communication.
• Spend time outside the house . If you do not want to build new friendly relations, walk alone in order to communicate minimally with others and not feel in isolation.

Contact the psychotherapist . If your condition only worsens, you should seek help. A specialist will help to cope with a sense of loneliness and isolation or easier to adapt in a new country.