Translated material
People for whom sex without feelings is impossible (no, this is not just a “norm”)
People for whom sex without feelings is impossible (no, this is not just a “norm”)
How they build relationships and determine themselves demi -eagle_ki_ki
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Although many people believe that sex only in the presence of an emotional connection with the partner is the norm (often the only approved), not all people explain their choice of partner_ki “intelligibility” or moral position. For demi -eagle_k “sex on love” is not a choice, but the only possible and comfortable contact. They do not just choose sex only with those to whom they feel more affection. They cannot be attracted in other conditions: to random people, celebrities, with a short acquaintance in a bar or club.
We asked Demisexual_k to talk about how they realized their sexuality, which is harmful to the cult of loss of virginity, how gender stereotypes interfere with the study of sexuality and why the representation of demyxuality in sex center culture is needed.
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Alice YastrebovaPublication
April 14, 2023
From demisexual to sex for one night
Marina The name was changed at the request of the heroine.
I realized my demisexuality in 16-17 years. Comparing myself with friends who, by the time of release from school, had experience of various sexual relations, I was able to formulate that I did not feel sexual attraction to the guys with whom I did not have warm, trusting relationships.
By this age, I already picked up the types of masturbation that suit me and knew what an orgasm meant to me, but I could not imagine myself having sex “When I'm talking about sex, I mean not only a penis-penetration, but in general any other sexual practice: from oral sex to rabbin”-approx. respondents. With the guys with whom I went on dates
At the same time, I never thought in the logic “My first sex should happen to my future husband”, “Sex only after the wedding” or “shore myself for the perfect” - no. I just had no attraction to the guys with whom we did not have a tangible emotional connection. By the way, my first sex happened at 18 years old with my close friend. By that time, we have talked tightly for a year: we spent a lot of time together, kept each other in the know all the events of our lives, helped out and supported. We realized ourselves a couple only a year and a half after our first sex. This was primarily due to the fact that at that time we lived in different cities and could no more than a couple once a month, that we did not suit us as a couple. In the end, we decided that we wanted to live together, and since then we have been in a romantic relationship for a little less than three years. At this time, I did not feel attracted to other men and already began to talk about myself as a demisexal.
It was an important step for me, because before that I often felt “abnormal”. Once my mother called our common familiar “frigid” in the context of some dysfunction, after which I thought that I probably also “frigid”, that is, some kind of “wrong” .
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I was helped to accept my sexuality, the understanding that everyone has different things-and this is normal. When I was 14 years old, my close friend admitted to me in homosexuality. I met this news rather aggressively and certainly hit her feelings, but she turned out to be much more sensitive and offered to talk about it. After that, I reviewed my views and began to read more about the variety of sexual orientations.
After the end of the first relationship, the understanding of my own sexual orientation helped me in communication with men. It was easier for me to build my boundaries and understand when to say no. I tried to experiment: twice in a year I myself offered sex to guys, with whom it was almost unfamiliar. In both cases, I ended up in situations when I did not feel attraction, but experienced discomfort.
A year ago, everything changed. I decided to write again to the man with whom I had the first “sex experiment”, and it was surprisingly positive experience! Like the last time, I came to him, but everything was different: I wanted to have sex with him, although I did not feel any emotional affection. "Wow! - I thought. “ It seems that now I want to have sex with different people and generally know how to want sex just for sex.” This experience helped me understand that demisexuality is really a separate and independent sexual orientation that is fluid and can change throughout life. Over the past year, I have developed several types of sexual relations with different men: from sex one night to FWB format Friends with Benefits (English) - friends who, by mutual agreement, periodically have sex with each other. .
I understand that this was impossible to imagine a few years ago simply because I really did not feel sexual attraction to unfamiliar people.
I can’t say that I was delighted or upset when I realized that my sexual orientation had changed. But I feel calmer when I feel my desires and can call them: along with this, an understanding comes to how to behave in a particular situation and take care of myself.
Demesexuality as a protest against toxic masculinity
David
Once I saw a profile in Tinder, where the “demisexal” was listed in the orientation column. It became interesting to me, I googled the meaning and realized that this term also perfectly describes me. Since childhood, I felt that I did not need sex for sex. I never had a task to lose virginity as early as possible to be cool among peers . Because of this, I felt different than most of my acquaintances.
When I had real friends, I explained my experience with them and they accepted me. It turned out that in my communication circle, I am not the only guy who needs an emotional connection for sexual attraction. Before that, I met with the opposite opinion: familiar guys were sure that the guys always and with everyone wanted sex. Meetings with such people provoked me to the internal question: “Are I normal?”
Now I feel comfortable in my sexuality and finally accepted myself. I realized that being myself and doing as I want to be much more important than public attitudes. It was not easy, especially considering that in society and media demisexual people, especially guys, are not represented enough.
We still live in a terribly patriarchal society that imposes behavior to the guys. The dominance and desire of the authorities, which are expressed in sex, is absolutely not what I want to associate with . The patriarchal patterns of “real men” is time to send to the museum as something outdated.
How demi -ejaciousness helps to defend the boundaries
Plum-Ajarch
As a cisheterosexual A heterosexual person whose gender identity coincides with the floor attributed to birth. For a long time, I had the opportunity not to think about the fact that my sexuality and gender identity may not meet the norms. Therefore, I realized my demisexuality relatively late - at 27. I began to read more about sexuality and the problems of LGBTK people more. Then I read the stories of asexual people and found out that in the A-spectr there is such an orientation as demisexuality. According to the description, she was very similar to what I was worried about.
I had quite a lot of sex with random partners. But even if these people were attractive and sensitive, I could not enjoy them. Sex was pleasant only if I had a deep affection for a partner. Even when I masturbated and fantasized, I could not immediately imagine a scene of sex with a random person. I needed to play a whole story in my head: how we get acquainted, come closer, confess to each other in feelings, build relationships.
For some time after I found out about demisexuality, I was not sure that I could identify myself, because I have a fairly high libido.
It seemed to me that there is a contradiction in the fact that I often feel a desire, even if I am not attached to anyone
I wrote about my experiences on Twitter, and they answered me that this is an absolutely normal situation - asexual people can also be Horney Experience excitement. . I started to understand this more. At the same time, I more often began to meet criticism of demisexuality on the Internet. Many do not understand why to distinguish it in a separate orientation: aren't everyone trying to better check the partner before entering into a sexual connection with him? On the LGBTK portals, user_nitsa often argued about whether demisexual people are faced with inhibition, whether they have the right to be considered part of the community. I can’t say that I experienced specific oppression, but my orientation definitely caused me difficulties with understanding my own boundaries.
Time after time I entered into a connection and Gazlaitel unwanted for me She convinced herself of the inadequacy of her self -awareness and perception of reality. yourself: “Maybe this time it will work out. Maybe the previous partners were simply unsuitable, but everything will come out with this. ” Or she told myself that something wrong with me and I need to change my mood in order to start enjoying sex. There were times when I agreed to contact simply because the other person really wanted him. Looking back, I would prefer not to have this experience. I do not consider these situations violence, but they left an unpleasant psychological sediment. They could be avoided if my partners were more sensitive to the culture of active consent, and I used to accept my demi -ejection and better protect my borders.
My sexual debut, for example, happened because at that time I thought: “How so, I’m already an adult, but still haven’t had sex, am I some wrong? It is urgent to fix it. ” This experience, again, is what I would like to avoid. Now it is obvious to me: then, a person has sex or not, does not determine his value, attractiveness or adulthood.
After I realized my demisexuality, I tried to say to all partners that my orientation could mean for our relationship. Explain that I can love sex and exude some erotic energy, but this does not mean that I am ready for sex right now, I need a romantic intimacy. Not everyone understood this: one guy, knowing about my demisexuality, said that he was not ready for the romantic relationship that I needed for intimacy, but at the same time continued to communicate playfully and send the corner. It frustrated me very much.
At the same time, I am absolutely comfortable with friends, because they are super enlightened and careful. Among them there are both asxual and pansexual people, focused on open relationships with different partners_ki. I also learned to understand and accept myself: I clearly understand what I do not want, and refuse it. Since then, I have not encountered unpleasant and crushing situations.
Demisexuality as a conscious search for deep connection
Tonya
It seems to me that I always understood that I was demesxual Approx. Respondents: “Demesexuality is not the main label for me, now I more often identify myself as a Quirr-Pan in an asexual spectrum or a graceful person. These labels are simply more convenient for me now, but demisexual experience is also an important part of me. ” . At school, when my fourteen -year -old classmates began to appear at the guys, I experienced terrible contempt for these couples. It seemed to me that they simply had seen enough of the Romkom and want to also: they play games, but they don’t really feel.
I did not understand how my girlfriends could fall in love with boys, with whom we most recently did not want to have anything in common. I was not injured by the fact that my experience was different, on the contrary, it seemed to me that I was better because I was free from the irrational affects that my friends experienced.
Since I then thought that I was “not like” like other girls, I began to make friends with boys more. Many of them also contemptuously treated with "vanilla" things. With my friend Yegor, we were often angry with this whole teenage theme with “couples”. Then Yegor moved to another school, and a month later he had a girlfriend. It was very upset. Now I understand that this was an important experience of bright and sincere friendship, which was actually unexpectedly love. My connection with Yegor was different from attachment to my other friends, but it was built on intellectual admiration and a similar look at the world, and not at hormones.
Subsequently, I had a series of such “special” people who were replaced by partners - I never had two best friends at the same time. I always felt that they were more for me than friends, but most often it did not grow into a romantic or sexual connection, because I intuitively understood that I did not want to “spoil” the emotional Connect with romantic cliches.
Then I still did not know anything about Quirry and about the fact that you can actually build other love - not the one that repels me
Then I made friends with open LGBTK-punches, began to read Quire Theoria and various publics on the Internet. And about five years ago I read about demisexuality and thought: "Yes, this is about me." Before that, I thought that for my experience they had not yet come up with a name, and this is a very important thing.
A frequent case in the world of Deiting is love at first sight. My friends often discuss how they saw someone on the street and immediately thought: “What a beautiful person is it, how I want her.” Demiyxual_ki cannot share this feeling, we have a different attraction. Therefore, it seems to me that our experience is important to distinguish in a separate identity.
Meme about demisexuality
Now I am comfortable in my orientation, this is an understandable and rational story that I am very interested in investigating. When a crazy sex drive does not blush your head, you can relate to romantic and sexual adventures as conscious intellectual games and tools for finding a Connect.
But it is still uncomfortable for me to talk about my orientation to some friends, especially those who, from adolescence, know about my complex understanding of love. I am afraid, they will surprise them that now I have a partner, and conversations will begin, like: “ You don’t feel how we are, but you have a girlfriend. Have you betrayed your views? Or did you lie to everyone? Or was mistaken, were we right? ” It is unlikely that anyone will actually say that, rather this irrational and child fear that I will lose some of myself. This is very stressful and, it seems to me, is due to the fact that there is still little information about demyxxuality.
There were cases when the people with whom I met said that everyone knew about my identity, but in fact they did not understand anything. For example, they expected sex from me on a first date. When they asked about it, something was breaking inside me ... As if I was a Misgender When circulating, pronouns are intentionally used that do not correspond to the gender identity of a person. only in the measurement of orientation. Understand that they see me not as I see myself, anxiously and distant.
How demi -ejaciousness teaches to respect the body
Lisa
As a child, I did not have any near -axial experience: I did not masturbate, I was not interested in porn, I did not think about sex at all. I did not have a normal sexword, but there was no fault: it just seemed to me that sex was on the other side of the spectrum of what was interesting to me.
At the age of 13-14, I entered the femo and LGBT-test and began to consume different content: on the one hand, super-acceptance and good twitter movement, on the other hand, the radical feminism of the Russian transfobeza, which very critically considers any manifestations of sexuality and narrows sexual attraction that women can experience and practice. These radical In radical feminism, as a rule, certain sexual practices are criticized that women may like. For example, sex for one night, BDSM, etc. Publics made me very critical of any people experiencing excitement: “Do you want sex?! Perverts, or what? " Then I learned about the different sexuals of the Gray spectrum People on a graceful spectrum experience sexual desire either rarely or under special circumstances. And she thought: “Oh, it's me!” I was very pleased to know that it is not necessary to have sex.
From 14 to 19 years old, I positioned myself as an asexual or demisexual and did not meet anyone. At the same time, my libido disappeared due to a disorder of food behavior. It was even pleasant for me to feel like such an ethereal creature that no one would touch. At the same time, when I began to recover from anorexia and was able to experience excitement again, my first relations happened with a fairly quick sexual experience. My partner was soft and careful, did not press on me. I realized that I like to have sex with him and I can want him quite often. I remember that then I was scared:
Damn, am I really deceiving myself? Or was the feminism that I then absorbed and which was a response to the Western sexualized culture deceived me?
I began to think that now I am generally the most sex-positive person in the world, that sex is cool and very pleasant and I wish everyone cool partners and a lot of sex every day. My partner and I decided to open a relationship, I gradually began to experience interest in other people. I quickly had another partner, but the thought of sex with him scared me very much. I felt the same as before the start of sexual experience: as if I needed to do something against the will. I felt very wrong, I did not understand why I did not want him: " What is your problem with this person, he is so beautiful, why don't you want to fuck him?" . We talked, I explained to him that now I do not want sex.
After some time, we still took up it when I felt safe-and everything went well. After that, I realized how my sexuality works. In a relationship, my libido can be quite high: I want a person and I can be very tactile with him. But the time should pass that our connection becomes strong enough.
At the same time, it does not seem true to me that the attraction based on emotional attachment is some kind of norm inherent in all women. The more different stories will appear, podcasts, films, diaries, the more obvious it will become that this is absolutely not so. Stigma is gradually being removed from sex, women have the opportunity to sleep with someone, not afraid that they will be branded a “whore”. Thanks to the acting applications, a person has a greater field in order to explore his sexuality, while remaining unnoticed.
Increasingly, the media suggests that a real strong woman should have the opportunity to have sex with anyone. I agree that she should have this right. But does sex make her more strong and freer?
It seems to me that demisexuality is not sufficiently represented even in feminist literature. She tends to take a taboo with those who had previously been impossible in a female letter: sex, bodily, awareness and adoption of her own sexuality. Therefore, often the courage of feminist books lies in the brightness and openness of the material. For example, in the “ZAMI” Audrey Lord describes in sufficient detail the attraction that the heroine experiences for a girl she knew for two days.
On the other hand, there are plots of mass culture in which for some reason growing up is always shown through the loss of virginity , and female sexuality is limited. There is a standard story of a “good woman”, which for a long time meets with someone, but then still decides on sex that strengthens the love of her life. This is a very heteronormative plot, which suggests that only after spending a long time with someone, a woman has the right to sexual behavior.
Culture seems to dictate to a woman two ways: either a heteronormative chastity, or a female uprising, which consists in a variety of sexual life with many partners and sex without feelings. Hypersexuality in such plots becomes synonymous with emancipation, but for me it is injured. No matter how I want, I can’t have sex with anyone.
Presenting myself in hypersexualized situations, I do not feel strength and liberation. On the contrary, I think about how I would be embarrassed and scary in them. Including this is due to the RPP I experienced. How can I entrust the body to which I have caused so much pain and who hid for so long a person who is unlikely to appreciate this? The point is not that a person should be grateful to me for sex. Rather, the body is the core of my personality and I can not provide it to everyone. For me, the adoption of demisexuality is a recognition of the right to a sensitive attitude to my body and the obligation to respect him.
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