“When the enemy controls your behavior, it doesn’t feel like victory.”

Editorial “Layout” November 30, 2023 |

The number of trans people contemplating suicide has risen to 80% in six months.

In Russia, over the past six months, the proportion of transgender people contemplating suicide has increased to 80%. This is stated in a study by Center T, in which 1,161 people took part, Vorstka drew attention to. Experts associate the deterioration of people's emotional state with repressive laws.

On November 30, the Supreme Court, following a lawsuit from the Ministry of Justice, recognized the non-existent “international LGBT movement” as an extremist organization; a few months earlier, a transgender transition was banned in Russia, and at the end of 2022, a ban on LGBT propaganda was introduced. Transgender people themselves, in a conversation with Vorstka, noted that they have felt fear and powerlessness in recent months, and also said that they fear cases of mass suicides and jokes.

In order not to miss new texts from “Layout”, subscribe to our telegram channel

“Why are they doing this to us, bastards?”

“I lived with suicidal thoughts for two years. I just literally wondered every day whether to go out to work in the morning or out the window,” says transperson David. “And literally every time it was necessary to make this choice. Every time the strength to live for me was anger at all these bastards.”

David calls government officials who are introducing new bans against LGBTQ+ people “bastards.” He comes from a city in the Urals. David is a paleontologist by training. He worked as a research assistant at a local museum. In addition, he is the moderator of the regional support chat for Center T, an initiative group whose work is aimed at improving the quality of life of transgender people in Russia.

Upon learning that the Ministry of Justice decided to recognize the “LGBTQ movement” as extremist, David experienced the same feelings as on the morning of February 24, 2022.

“Since it was already a familiar feeling, all the stages of shock, denial, bargaining, depression, and all this passed much faster. But it was about the same thing,” he adds, “This feeling of a constantly falling apart world: literally half an hour ago I was figuring out what we were going to do, making some plans for the future. An hour passes, and all plans are erased to hell.”

Speaking about the community's reaction, he recalls the words "horror and panic." David watched her in the chat, trying to calm and distract people. He calls this his main task as a moderator.

“We set up an unscheduled chat meeting to just get everyone together in a café,” he says. “And the meeting was not at all joyful.” To be silent together, to express our worries together, to guess together why they are doing this to us, bastards, to argue together about all this, to see each other and understand that now our main support is the person at the next table.”

He compares the very situation in which the community finds itself with the persecution of Jehovah’s Witnesses banned in Russia: “It is impossible to abstract from the situation simply because it will ultimately affect everyone.”

“There is constant anxiety and horror from what is happening”

In anticipation of the Supreme Court's consideration of the Ministry of Justice's claim, Center T conducted a survey among more than 1.1 thousand of its beneficiaries aged 18 to 58 years. They were asked, among other things, how they feel in the current situation. 90% of respondents were in Russia at the time of their responses. 80% said they were thinking about suicide. “About 53% of transgender people surveyed are currently making an end-of-life plan,” the survey says.

Just six months ago, during a similar survey , 78% of respondents thought about suicide. Even a small increase, the researchers assure, indicates a clear deterioration of the situation.

“An insanely huge percentage of people experience great psychological difficulties in the situation in which they find themselves. This is constant anxiety and horror from what is happening,” says Ian Dvorkin, psychologist and director of the T Center. “Every time it seems to me that it’s already so bad that it can’t get any worse, but it’s getting even worse all the time.” This movement follows approximately the same dynamics: people slide into even greater depression, they have more and more suicidal thoughts, their condition becomes more and more serious, and they have no vision of the future.”

“Many people hope that nothing will happen”

Ilya i , like David, moderates the regional chat of the T Center in one of the Siberian cities, and at the same time works as a tattoo artist. He says news of the LGBT movement being labeled extremist caused panic and horror among him and other trans people in his region.

“The guys and I raised this topic during a personal meeting, cleared the chats, and thought about what awaits us,” he says. “Many people hope that nothing will happen this time. Some people have resigned themselves to it and treat it all as just another round of pressure. Many people are now very afraid for their parents, for loved ones, for those who know and support. This didn’t happen before.”

He says that people used to worry about the reaction of their relatives to them, about the reaction of their neighbors. Now - about searches, criminal cases, arrests and sentences. However, he said members of his community in the region are also in no hurry to leave. Most people move to neighboring cities.

Ilya says that their community is quite close-knit; chat participants try to help each other - both physically and mentally cope with panic. As an example, he cites an incident after the start of the war.

“One of the people, a 23-year-old trans girl, was forcibly sent to war by her parents,” recalls Ilya. “We found out about this only a month and a half later. She was quite active, came often, and then simply disappeared. All these months and a half we tried to find out what happened, where she was, we looked for her, and then we received a message from her that she was at war and everything was fine with her. After returning, she stated that she was “normal”, she was a guy, and all these years she had been mistaken. We tried to help her somehow, but we couldn’t. Trying to reach her became dangerous for ourselves because we could not predict her actions [against us].”

“I could never imagine that Russia would reach this point”

The center's associations operate in 69 cities of Russia. After the Supreme Court’s decision to include the “LGBTQ movement” in the register of extremist ones, ordinary participants in chats and meetings could face up to six years in prison, and the organizers – up to 10 years.

“Before this, there was also pressure, but it was administrative,” says psychologist and director of the T Center Ian Dvorkin. — Yes, we have passed a law prohibiting LGBT propaganda, but this is an administrative article, and even in cases of repeated initiation, administrative prosecution still remains, it does not turn into criminal. Even if one of our guys falls under it, we can chip in together and cover, for example, a fine. But imprisonment for years is already at the criminal level, where coming out, having an avatar with a flag, or mentioning to a specialist that he is LGBT-friendly is subject to a criminal article for displaying extremist symbols or participating in an extremist organization.”

In anticipation of the consideration of the lawsuit to recognize the “LGBTQ movement” as extremist, seven human rights organizations went to court, calling the lawsuit anti-legal and demanding that it be dismissed. But the court ignored it - according to the law, such an appeal has the status of “extra-procedural” and is not necessary for consideration. The meeting itself was held behind closed doors and lasted four hours.

The day before, a group of activists created an organization of the same name - the International LGBT Movement - and demanded to be admitted to the process as participants in order to be able to defend their interests during the consideration of the claim and gain access to the case materials. They were also denied access.

“It feels like we haven’t been to this point yet,” says Ian Dvorkin. - This is the new bottom from which we knocked. I have never lived in a country where being LGBT was a criminal offense. This is, however, a completely new reality, and it is completely creepy. I could never imagine that Russia would reach this point.”

Psychologist Alexandra Ivanova, collaborating with the Without Prejudice project , notes that pressure at the state level and the growth of depressive and suicidal attitudes are directly related to each other.

“Now you just need to survive and preserve yourself, based on reality,” she says. “And here I want to note that without making public statements and actions, a person does not cease to be himself. The person is still himself. We shouldn’t forget about this.”

In order not to miss new texts from “Layout”, subscribe to our telegram channel

“I try not to feel guilty, but it’s still there.”

According to Dvorkin, those under attack are primarily open persons who have not been hiding in recent years and have already come to the attention of the security forces. David is one of them. Previously, he was tried for “LGBT propaganda” (Article 6.21 of the Administrative Code). The reason for this was the repost of a petition against the same law.

David says that on November 30, in addition to the trial on the claim of the Ministry of Justice, the next meeting on his administrative case was scheduled. At the last meeting, he presented the court with a linguistic examination, which showed that there were no signs of appeals in the reposted petition.

“My friends gathered at the first trial to support me, some of them could not come from other cities. I planned that on the 30th we would definitely all get together,” David recalls. “I just started to figure out what to show my friends in Perm, how to hang out, and so on.”

But this did not happen. A few days before the trial, he bought tickets and began packing his things. At the same time, the next chat meeting took place - on the occasion of David’s farewell.

“It’s very hard for me to even talk about this. This feeling, when I threw a farewell party, gave away all the things that can be bought in the store, it was very similar to how they give away the things of the dead,” he recalls. — Emotionally, by that time I was already ready for the fact that I would have to leave. I just wasn’t prepared for how fast or how soon it would happen.”

On the day of the trial, David was already thousands of kilometers from his hometown. At the time of the conversation with the “Verstka” correspondent, he did not know about the decision in his case. “It doesn’t matter to me anymore,” he said. However, David continues to moderate the chat and help people on the ground online.

The director of the T Center, Ian Dvorkin, also left the country. He has been a public advocate for trans rights for several years and now, he believes, may also be one of the first to be accused in cases of “LGBT extremism.” Ian admits that there is a possibility that he will not be able to return home. “It’s a crazy feeling that drives me completely crazy,” he says.

Ilya, a Siberian chat moderator, is one of those who refuse to leave the country. He does not rule out the possibility of being persecuted, but he does not want to leave his family, and besides, he feels guilty before the community.

“I try to reflect and not feel guilty about the community, but it’s still there when I think about leaving,” he says. “We finally just recently got our own premises, into which I invested a lot. The guys have a place for socialization and support. It’s hard to accept the idea that they could lose this.”

According to Ian Dvorkin, each employee and volunteer makes the decision to emigrate or stay in place, based on their own risks. He clarifies that the project helps people leave and settle in a new place, but it cannot force all people to leave their families, jobs, or existing lives.

“There are somewhere between 2 and 3 million transgender people in the country,” he says. “Everyone won’t be able to leave.” Most of them are in a non-resource position. This is, however, a very terrible situation when some group of people is called wrong, requiring treatment and destruction.”

“Don’t care, we are already extremists”

Representatives of the community interviewed by Vestka note that “undesirability,” despite all the danger, is not the first case of repression against LGBTQ+ people. After the complete ban on “LGBT propaganda,” Russia also banned trans-transition—gender reassignment surgery. Center T itself is recognized as a foreign agent, and the organization’s website is blocked at the request of Roskomnadzor.

“I’ll give you an example of how we were driven underground,” says Jan Dworkin. — Sometimes we do film screenings and watch films. We recently released such an announcement, removing the title of the film, the description of the film, so that it would not be “LGBT propaganda”, removing the exact time and location from there, so that no one was waiting for us. Our SMM manager asked what we could write. I say: “Write that in our space there is tea, coffee, beautiful ottomans, you can have a cozy time.”

Psychologist Alexandra Ivanova reminds that “undesirability” may not be the last tool of pressure on the LGBTQ+ community in Russia. She notes that this year government officials again raised the topic of the need for a law “On Psychological Assistance,” which involves the disclosure of information about clients of psychological offices. Earlier, in 2014, the initiative was already rejected.

“In Russia, the issue is again being raised about obliging psychologists to provide information about those who contact them at the request of security forces,” says Ivanova. — The authorities are discussing such a bill. For LGBT+ people, it will now mean the virtual impossibility of physically seeking psychological help on confidential terms.”

David, speculating that the situation will worsen, fears that trans people may not be able to cope with this. He does not rule out that in a situation of hopelessness, some of them will think about violence.

“It really scares me that if, relatively speaking, they give one sentence in the zone for illegal possession of weapons and possession of a rainbow badge, then there will be people who will say: “Whatever, we are already extremists,” notes David. “This will greatly increase the likelihood of jokes, this will greatly increase the likelihood of direct aggression, and so on from people who have nothing to lose except their lives. Therefore, I want to appeal to all people who have access to weapons, crazy thoughts of committing, for example, extended suicide. I want to tell such people: guys, don’t, don’t give these bastards gifts.”

“It’s even harder to deal with this alone.”

After the Supreme Court’s decision to recognize the “LGBTQ movement” as undesirable, the human rights organization Delo, which helped LGBTQ+ people, announced its dissolution and cessation of activities in Russia. In addition, on the very first weekend after the court decision, police raided LGBT clubs in the capital.

“When the music stopped and they said there was a cop raid. I thought that was it, I would be imprisoned for 12 years. On the way out, they took a photo of my passport,” a visitor to one of the clubs told Beware, News.

However, Ian Dvorkin assures that the work of the T Center with innovations and the emigration of some employees and volunteers will not stop.

“We canceled all in-person events for the near future to see what would happen,” he says. — For now, this is the point at which nothing is clear. It is very scary that our beneficiaries, ordinary volunteers, will suffer. However, we would like to maintain some form of face-to-face interaction so that people can receive support, but the risks are reduced to a minimum.”

The moderators of two regional chats of the T Center, David and Ilya, also believe that continuing to work and providing support to people is vital.

“We just have a huge number of people. Abandoning them is not an option,” says Ilya.

David is confident that, despite the new repressions, “they won’t jail everyone.” He continues to support his community online and intends to help those who want to leave the country.

“When the enemy controls your behavior, it doesn't feel like victory,” says David. “These bastards want us to quickly, quietly, somehow cut ourselves out, so that we can’t be seen, we can’t be heard, everything is quiet, well-covered, splendid - and we can look for new internal enemies.” Fuck them, they won’t wait.”

Psychologist Alexandra Ivanova notes that it is impossible to cope with pressure alone either within the country or in exile.

“In this situation, it’s important to find support one way or another,” she says. — If not among organizations, then at least among close people or online. Dealing with this alone is even more difficult. Recommendations on how to cope with anxiety are not relevant here now. Because it’s important to save your life. The threat to life and the disintegration of personality is now coming from all sides. It’s important to take responsibility and not give in to these threats.”

Cover: Dmitry Osinnikov

You can support “Layout” from any country in the world - it is still safe and very important. We really need your support now. How to help us →