"I was a classic victim"

How women from domestic violence save women from the Nizhny Novgorod Crisis Center and help create safe families

We help the Nizhny Novgorod female crisis center collected 862 411 We need to sacrifice

The first story. "At least in my underpants"

A fragile young woman with long brown hair is constantly looking around. At first glance, nothing threatens her: we drink tea in one of the cafes of Nizhny Novgorod. But it just seems so.

“Everything is fine, I'll come, we’ll figure it out,” she reassures her daughter on the phone. She is waiting for her in the crisis apartment of the center, where they have been living for four months. Daughters are seven, she goes to primary school.

Jeanne worships in a sweater and hastily tells how she was in the lower. She is similar simultaneously to Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway and Oksana Fander.

Zhanna (the name changed at the request of the heroine) photo: Anastasia Makarycheva for TD

She is 34. She and her daughter come from Krivoy Rog. After February 24, a man from the Krasnodar Territory, whom she met on the Internet, offered to move to him. Jeanne agreed.

“Charismatic, you will never think about him badly. He said that he was working at the Ministry of Internal Affairs, but something embarrassed me. He was aggressive with others. "But he will protect me!" “I thought then.”

A friend took off the apartment for her with her daughter, bought food, looked after. When he once offered to give her daughter “on the ass”, Jeanne tensed: she never beat a child. Soon after, the man began to threaten that he would leave and abandon her. To be left without money, housing and documents in a foreign country was scared. “I was even afraid to go to the store alone,” recalls Jeanne. “Probably, this is learned helplessness.”

When the boyfriend forced her to sell the gold that got from her mother, she obediently carried him to a pawnshop. Soon the man moved them with his daughter to his homeland, to Nizhny Novgorod. In a rented apartment, a daughter was settled in the kitchen.

“He stared, but dressed beautifully and said that he was leaving for meetings. All the time he repeated: “When I go out of balance, you must kiss me.” He threatened to drown if I am cheating, ”recalls Jeanne.

A year later - when a man began to shout more and more often and push her - I realized: we must leave. "At least in my underpants."

Jeanne was looking for free overnight stays on the Internet and stumbled upon a women's crisis center.

Zhanna (the name changed at the request of the heroine) photo: Anastasia Makarycheva for TD

On the first attempt, it was not possible to escape. The aggressor returned home right during a conversation with the employees of the center - I had to throw the phone.

On the second attempt, Jeanne decided only a few months later, when the partner tried to beat her. Previously, no one has ever beat her. Running away with her daughter, Jeanne gave her phone a taxi driver.

“I then“ prayed ”so much to a psychologist about my life. She listened to me, called someone and ordered: “Set up.”

In the center, Jeanne finally began to eat - for the past few months she physically could not digest what her partner bought. At first she was afraid to speak with people (“the block began”).

Zhanna (the name changed at the request of the heroine) photo: Anastasia Makarycheva for TD

Having come to her senses, Jeanne began to look for work. And now it works: in a few shifts, clutching any part -time jobs. On the shift, he listens in the headphones of audiobooks in psychology and is surprised: how did he manage to get into abusive relations?

The former offender does not know where Jeanne and his daughter are hiding.

A woman shows a phone that she bought from a salary. He says that I bought a phone and a tablet to my daughter, and for the New Year "they ate what they wanted."

“They [employees of the center] saved a person,” says Jeanne. - In three months they brought me to a new step, like a rocket into space, do you understand? "

Shelter to exhale

In order to get out of violent relations, it is necessary to grow new neural ties, the psychologist of the crisis center Marina Burmistrov explains.

“Time, attention, care and, most importantly, a good healthy contact, which the psychologist often becomes. Jeanne came with the eyes of the frightened Lani. It was completely isolated by its offender - the usual practice of abusers of all stripes. ”

In the “Frightened Lani”, Marina saw a woman with a high margin of strength and self -esteem, scrupulous in money and relationship. To “reflash” the personality, the psychologist says, usually from two to seven years. Jeanne coped in less than a year.

But the second prerequisite - but rather, the first is a safe space.

Employees of the NZHCC are discussing the problems of women who turned to them. The day before, a man came to the office, was looking for his former wife: Anastasia Makarycheva for TD

The center opened a crisis apartment in 2020. Its location is kept secret from the security reasons of the Postilitz: the previous address was declassified by one of the children who lived there with her mother. His father struck the former partner and broke her car.

Since then, Shelter changed his residence permit. Now this is a three -room apartment, for a year about 15 women with children can hide in it.

“The rooms have been populated all the time,” says Natalya Shiganova, curator of the apartment. - It happens that a woman runs up to us in a dressing gown and slippers. And only here it exhales - he feels free and safe. "

Shelter is a buffer zone between an old and a new life. Here, a woman can finally begin to act, without fear that she will “fly”: write a statement to the police, file for divorce, go to court, look for work.

"The conversation about violence is disclosed by the state"

Women in the center have been helping in the center since 2003.

It began with a small cabinet, which opened one of the local deputies along with his associates from the “Women of Russia” movement during his election campaign to the State Duma.

“I met them on a round table, where they discussed sexualized domestic violence. Then, however, he was also called “sexual”, ”recalls the head of the center-psychotherapist Anastasia Ermolaeva.

The office was opened in the hostel. The first stories of women who survived violence began to flock to the phone of trust. In Nizhny Novgorod, there was nowhere else to contact such a request. The office held professional consultations of a psychologist and lawyer, and the first lawyer was a man.

After the election, the office was on the verge of closing. “Those who organized it said:“ We thought you would only work before the elections, ”Anastasia recalls. Finally, Ermolaeva with other volunteers disappointed from the “women of Russia” in 2008. Those left them a municipal room and a city phone on the wire.

Entrance to NZHKTSFOTO: Anastasia Makarycheva for TD

Over the 15 years of independent work, the center of the center managed to help thousands of women who survived violence. Three lawyers, a career consultant and five psychologists are now working in it, one of them is children.

During this time, the topic of domestic violence, says Anastasia, became as if less taboo. “But now we have to work very carefully, because“ we should not defeat the state. ” As if, if we are talking about violence, we will defeat him. In reality, everything is different - eradicating violence in the family, we help families be healthier, happier and stronger, ”she explains.

Employees of the center in power circles are often accused of feminism - they are opposed by their work to family values. “One does not contradict the other in any way,” Anastasia is indignant. “We, of course, are feminists, just people do not understand the true meaning of this word.”

We have to explain that in fact the work of the center is focused on family values. But - only on condition of safe space inside.

In 2020, the Ministry of Justice checked the denunciation Center - he wanted to recognize the foreign agent, but did not find reason.

A shameful topic

“Offended husbands also often appeal to the prosecutor’s office and courts: they believe that if we protect the woman, then we are their opponents,” explains the psychologist of the center Nadezhda Davydova. - They proceed from the fact that the woman is so amorphous and fell under our influence. From the perspective of psychology, this is a net transfer: if he did not make a decision for it, then someone else. He does not allow the thoughts that a woman has her own point of view. Accordingly, we - psychologists and the center - become his enemies. "

To Hate on social networks, the employees of the center - among them there are several men - have long been used to it. To the visits of enraged husbands - "Who talked with my wife here?!" - Same.

Jeanne (name is the name of the heroine) Photo: Anastasia Makarycheva for TD

Another claim of husbands and partners is that the center accepts only women.

“This is not entirely true, we accept everyone,” explains Anastasia. - The name of the center enshrines the word “female” - it so happened that women were initially a priority for us. They are in a more vulnerable position and more often turn to us. ”

Nadezhda leads support groups for women and groups for working with “authors of violence” - or, if more correctly, “people prone to aggressive behavior”. According to her, in such a group “Power without violence” 90% of men, and women are one or two.

“Men come only when a real threat of family loss rises: when a woman leaves, submits for divorce and takes the children. They come to help us return the partner, save the family. But our main goal is in another, our goal is the safety of all family members, including the author of violence himself. The family can be preserved, or maybe not. Someone is disappointed and leaves, but the majority remain and join in the work. ”

In an online group for people prone to aggressive behavior, you can come from any region. Now the center is already holding a fifth group - it has people from Astrakhan, the Krasnodar Territory, Moscow, from the Urals ... The course includes 18 classes (950 rubles per lesson) and is designed for four and a half months.

Employees of the NZHCC are discussing the problems of women who turned to them. The day before, a man came to the office, was looking for his former wife: Anastasia Makarycheva for TD

The project began as a volunteer, but last year it was supported by the government of the Nizhny Novgorod region and allocated about a million rubles for its activities.

“This is a shameful topic, but no one forces us to“ undress naked ”: people open as they want,” Nadezhda explains. - In fact, none of the offenders most often wants to kill or cripple a partner. In the morning he wakes up and says in horror: “Damn, I almost killed her.” In groups, we explain that you can experience emotions, but behave differently-and teach this. ”

History is second. "Children, look - mom kills dad!"

Eight years ago (she was 36 then), Natalia became the ward of the center and called the hot line - when there was nowhere to go and no one. At that moment, her husband almost did not beat her: after several appeals, the police helped her bring the matter to the administrative. Natalia divorced her husband after 15 years of marriage, but because of three children she continued to live with him under the same roof. He changed his tactics: he did not raise his hand, but violence did not go away.

“He survived me from home. - Natalia is still difficult to remember about the experience without emotions. - Included music at five in the morning or doused me with cold water from a bucket at night. Could come and run my hand under my clothes. You start yelling - he writes everything [on audio]. Sometimes he put a knife near me, then flew out of the room and shouted: “Children, children, look - mom kills dad!” ”

Natalia (name changed at the request of the heroine) photo: Anastasia Makarycheva for TD

The house seemed to be, but was not at home. Sometimes Natalya could not even get into him: the ex -husband “accidentally” locked the door to the lock from the inside. When she moved to her parents with her children, her ex -husband continued to pursue her. He threatened his relatives, blackmailed them, hacked the mail and social networks - forced Natalia to return by any means. He stole children, and then promised to come to them only on schedule.

Without work, it was unbearable to huddle in a room for relatives, and Natalya returned. Then she left again, rented an apartment, and then returned again.

“Whatever I did, we had to communicate because of the children-and the violence cycle continued. I was a classic victim, ”says Natalia.

Once, after the next threat of reprisal, she took the children and left for a crisis apartment proposed by the center. I lived in it for two and a half months. The husband insisted on returning: he went for a while and even promised to rewrite all the property to his wife - as a guarantee that she had nothing to fear.

Natalia (name changed at the request of the heroine) photo: Anastasia Makarycheva for TD

“It seems that everything was sweet. But I puzzled and realized that this is just a new round of manipulation. The bets are increasing, and most likely I will leave the house only forward with my feet, ”recalls Natalya. She was not mistaken: the former broke again and attacked her - when she took his children after the weekend.

Natalia immediately took off the beatings, left for her parents and no longer returned.

Together with the lawyers of the center, she achieved a criminal case. But in court she went to the world: she achieved an apology and a fine of 30 thousand rubles.

It took another three years to divide the house. The lawyers of the center helped. The ex -husband, also a lawyer by education, spoiled the documents for the court in revenge for divorce.

Natalia (name changed at the request of the heroine) photo: Anastasia Makarycheva for TD

Natalia interrupts the conversation to talk on the phone with her son. The features of her face and voice are softened.

When he puts the phone, he again becomes serious and adds: the ex -husband tuned his eldest son against her, summoned him a witness. He threatened to sue children - and, most likely, would sue if she had not won the trial with lawyers.

Despite the fact that seven years have passed, Natalia did not fully recover to the end. But for four years now he has been building a new relationship and says: it is possible. The former spouse passed therapy and also builds a new relationship.

She still remembers the turning point when "love has passed - and how she cut off." The eldest son then entered adolescence and stopped listening to her, to which her husband said: “Look, he sends you. I am sending you. The younger ones will grow up - everyone will send you. ”

“And I realized that he was right. If I stayed, it would be. The youngest child I retained the psyche with my care. The senior and medium - in therapy. "

"Courts are a second injury"

Natalia says she was lucky: at first she helped her relatives and psychologist she began to go to, then the district police officer reacted humanly and provided the crisis center with his legal help and shelter.

“If not for them, nothing would have happened. You are in stress and do not understand anything at all, but you need to prove something else, ”she recalls. - After all, homemade violence is not only when they beat. It is very difficult to keep the decision not to return at every stage. When a woman understands what difficulties deals with, she gives the back. ”

Employees of the center help a woman develop a security plan. For effective protection of her rights, legal assistance to a woman needs from the very beginning.

“It is important to fix the resulting bodily injuries in a timely manner, when you give an explanation, to consistently state all the circumstances of the incident,” explains the lawyer of the center Iri Ilau. - In fact, a woman should be proved every time that she is not to blame. And this is a second injury. Men in the courts often denigrate a partner and say that all the damage - her or a child - she provoked herself. "

The building in which the NZHKCCFOTO office is located: Anastasia Makarycheva for TD

The help of a lawyer in court is important because the emotional state of a woman in stress and fear can harm her. In especially difficult cases, the center’s specialists ask for a power of attorney and independently win the courts in the interests of the victim.

The statistics of the center coincide with the statistics of colleagues: in 95% of cases of contacting the law enforcement authorities, a woman receives a refusal “for the lack of an event”. In Russia, there is still no law on domestic violence , and an article on beatings was decriminalized back in 2017.

Much depends on the precinct. Some say: "Do you want us to transplant half of Russia?" Others - as in the history of Natalia - are looking for loopholes in order to attract the offender at least by administrative. Those law enforcement officers who really want, but cannot help, are offended on the phrase “kill, then come”.

In reality, units reach the court and criminal case.

Another difficulty in cases of domestic violence, according to the lawyers of the center, is that there are no witnesses. Witnesses are children, most often minors. The rest remains behind the thick walls. If violence occurs in a private house, nothing is heard there at all: the perfect crime scene.

“At some stage, women themselves give up and can no longer withstand it,” Irei continues. - But the court decision or reaction of state bodies often works as a shield for a woman. The point is not so much in the amount of the fine or severity of the punishment, but in the fact that with their help it is possible to stop at least physical violence. Often it works. ”

Natalia (name changed at the request of the heroine) photo: Anastasia Makarycheva for TD

One of the fresh affairs in Iri's practice is an administrative fine of five thousand rubles, which helped stop an aggressive partner. In addition, the court will take into account the administrative during the debate about children or with a repeated violation - the chances of initiating a criminal case will grow.

«Хотя у нас нет охранных ордеров, которые запретили бы обидчику приближаться к жертве, но 31 января 2024 года Конституционный суд РФ указал судам на возможность запрещать осужденным агрессорам посещать места, в которых находятся потерпевшие (место жительства и работы). Безусловно, это знаковое постановление для защиты прав пострадавших от домашнего насилия».

Часто переезд в другой город становится единственным вариантом спасения женщины в кризисной ситуации. «Если есть ребенок, она, конечно, обязана сообщить агрессору новый адрес. Но другой город помогает держать дистанцию. Женщине элементарно спокойнее спать».

В практике специалистов центра есть случаи, когда женщины прямым текстом говорят: «Вся надежда на вас, иначе я уже готова совершить самосуд».

«Иногда женщина сознательно выбирает тюрьму, — рассказывает Надежда. — Говорит: “Мне в тюрьме спокойнее”. И это страшно».

History is the third. «Не в своей постели, зато в безопасности»

Олеся — миниатюрная и с аккуратным макияжем. Ей 33.

Она обратилась в кризисный центр год назад. За полгода до этого поняла, что почти перестала не просто жить, но даже существовать. И — первый раз в жизни — позвонила знакомому психологу. С телефона подруги.

«У меня не было тогда возможности даже выйти куда-то, а все мои телефонные разговоры сразу отображались в личном кабинете его телефона», — вспоминает девушка.

Олеся (имя изменено по просьбе героини)Фото: Анастасия Макарычева для ТД

Олеся цитирует диалоги с мужем.

— Ты разговаривала с сыном [у Олеси сын от первого брака] семь минут. О чем вы говорили?

— Просто он из школы шел, мне позвонил.

— Нет, ты пересказала две секунды. Семь минут мне рассказывай.

«Если он мне звонит, а у меня занят телефон — неважно, с кем я разговариваю, — я с первого гудка должна сбросить звонок и переключиться на его линию, — продолжает Олеся. — Он постоянно звонил мне по видеосвязи, но повезло, что жадность не давала ему купить такой же, как у меня, телефон, чтобы отслеживать мою геолокацию».

Абьюз мужа поначалу она воспринимала как заботу и мужскую опору. Пасынку он давал пять минут на душ, а потом шел и выключал горячую воду. Так он выжил его из дома — к первому мужу Олеси.

Последней каплей стал скандал на улице. Муж вырвал годовалую дочь из ее рук и унес, закрывшись с ней в Олесиной квартире. Домой женщина попала только при поддержке соседей.

На следующий день Олесю с дочкой забрали к себе родители мужа. Но их сочувствия хватило ненадолго: уже наутро она переселилась к подруге.

«Муж не знал, где она живет. Мы не были у нее в гостях, потому что мы в принципе в гостях никогда не были — только дома или у его родителей. Мою маму он не принимал», — вспоминает Олеся.

На новогодние праздники Олеся с дочерью вернулась домой. Не могла дождаться конца каникул, чтобы позвонить в кризисный центр — телефон уже был наготове. «Я поняла, что больше не могу терпеть: я зарежу либо его, либо себя».

Тайком от мужа Олеся попала на консультацию к психологу центра. Через полтора месяца она с дочерью уже жила в кризисной квартире.

Олеся (имя изменено по просьбе героини)Фото: Анастасия Макарычева для ТД

Олеся готовилась к уходу: откладывала деньги (у нее свой экопроект по сбору одежды) и заранее относила вещи дочери в шкафчик детсада. Но побег все равно дался с трудом. «Меня трясло с самого утра. Я сказала, что ушла как будто бы на работу в соседний дом. И, как назло, в тот день он не поехал на работу. Мама караулила у подъезда, чтобы он не вышел».

В кризисной квартире Олеся наконец впервые за два года спокойно спала: «Не в своей постели, зато в безопасности».

Как только сели в такси, написала мужу: «Мы сегодня домой не придем. Мы больше не семья, я с тобой жить не могу. Вернемся только когда освободишь квартиру». И выключила телефон.

С первого дня после побега от мужа Олеся работала с психологом центра.

«Это был старт моей осознанной жизни. Сначала мне было жалко его. На третий день я поняла: ему вообще плевать, где мы. Он никому не звонил и не искал нас. И только тогда у меня проснулась злость».

Когда муж съехал, Олеся с дочерью вернулась домой. Но скоро все повторилось: он забирал ребенка, угрожал и называл ее «предательницей». Олеся обращалась в полицию, но там разводили руками: «В квартире его ребенок, не пускать не имеете права».

Она все еще любила мужа — ее физически тянуло к нему всякий раз, когда он показывался на пороге. «Я честно рассказывала психологу, что опять сорвалась. Только когда пришло осознание, что, кроме себя, он никого не любит, вся любовь пропала. И я постепенно почувствовала свою силу».

Когда Олеся прошла терапию с психологом кризисного центра, то поняла, что даже с самыми близкими нельзя закрывать глаза на абьюз. «До 33 лет я жила не свою жизнь, а сейчас наконец живу свою. Не бабушкину, папину, мамину, первого или второго мужа, а свою».

Олеся (имя изменено по просьбе героини)Фото: Анастасия Макарычева для ТД

Психолог центра Марина Бурмистрова говорит, что Олеся — классический пример женщины, вырвавшейся из абьюзивных отношений. «Она себе не принадлежала. Но благодаря хорошему ресурсу и опоре на себя постепенно стала превращаться в ту женщину, которой была до отношений».

Недавно Олеся познакомилась с мужчиной и описывает их общение как «очень здоровое». Запустила свой телеграм-канал и собирается открывать клуб для женщин с безопасным пространством общения.

* * *
Нижегородский кризисный женский центр живет на донаты, областные гранты и помощь благотворительных фондов. Деньги нужны на оплату психологов, юристов, аренду офиса и кризисной квартиры, а также закупку еды и бытовой химии.

В центре говорят, что важно разорвать цикл насилия. Для этого специалисты планируют открыть всероссийский чат помощи, еще больше групп поддержки и образовательных тренингов для детей и подростков — не только в Нижнем Новгороде, но и в других регионах. Некоторые из них помогут распознавать насилие в семье и обществе на ранних стадиях — например, с первого свидания.

Для расширения работы на другие регионы центру, как никогда, важна поддержка сторонников.