Translated material
How to find friends?
We tell where to look for them and where to start acquaintance
Friendship makes our life better: people who have close friends live longer, get sick less and less from depression and anxiety. Next to friends, it is easier for us to overcome difficulties and cope with stress. And they support us, share emotions with us and make us happier. Despite all the advantages of friendship, every tenth of people has no friends. And the older we become, the more difficult it is to find a company - especially when a lot of work or other things. “Cold” talked with psychologist Anastasia GOSTEVA about where to find new friends, how to decide on the first step and where to start getting acquainted.
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Can a family or partner replace friends?
Sometimes people consider the best friends of the parent, Siblings or partner and do not seek to look for loved ones outside the family circle. But there are nuances here. For example, your friend considers his mother a friend and shares many with her. But at times, so that mother does not worry, she consciously silent about something. It turns out that in certain matters she cannot get support, and to cope with them alone is more difficult than if a friend was nearby.
Friendly, kinship and romantic relationships are largely similar, but when a person has different types of communication, this gives him more supports in life and favorably affects it. For example, a marital conflict can provoke changes in the level of cortisol - but the harm from this is leveled when people have adequate social support out of marriage.
Where to find new friends and where to get acquainted?
At work
Studies show that Americans have the most popular ways to make friends-to make friends with someone in high school or at work. In these places you can see a person from different sides and understand whether his values are close to you. At school and at work, you solve problems and problems together, and you also see a person in different conditions and you can evaluate whether you will be interested in each other. This gives a good basis for close relationships.
“If you are scared to mix the working with your personal, discuss this directly with a person. Let him know that in the office you are colleagues and everyone fulfills his tasks, and outside it - friends. It is important to immediately arrange the boundaries and discuss controversial issues, ”says psychologist Anastasia Gosteva.
How to start communication:
- Offer help or ask for it . Joint overcoming the difficulties will help you get closer, and the task will solve faster and more efficiently.
- Invite a person to lunch . Although the lunch and part of the working day, but still the situation on it is informal. If you and your colleague coincide with food, you can, for example, recommend a new restaurant or go there together.
- Treat your colleagues . People are pleased when they are given attention. Bring sweets or fruits to the office, treat everyone or put them on a common table. So you will show that you are positively configured, and it will be easier for everyone to start a conversation.
- Do not ignore corporate parties . General events are arranged, among other things, so that employees can get acquainted. Even if you do not like dancing or team sports, most likely, there is someone who treats them the same way on the corporate party, and you will have a reason to talk.
Through friends and friends
If you go somewhere with a friend, then he can help you get acquainted with others. And also, if the acquaintance goes well, you can communicate in one company.
How to start communication:
Ask a friend for help. If you are shy, ask someone to introduce you to people from their circle, with whom you have similar interests.
Go to birthdays. There you will have an obvious topic for communication - a birthday man. Ask how a person met him, and the conversation will be tied to himself.
- Use family ties . There are quite a few options: children of friends of your parents, parents of classmates of your child, friends of brothers or sisters and further on the list. Invite them to a family dinner or organize a common vacation.
While doing ordinary things
We often avoid talking with strangers, fearing that they will be awkward or superficial. However, studies show that these fears are often exaggerated. A scientist from the University of Chicago Nicholas Epley and his colleagues found that talking with strangers give more pleasant emotions than we expect.
How to start communication:
- Go with the dog to the park or dog-fraud . Love for animals will help to start a conversation with another person, and the regularity of meetings can get closer.
- Buy things and products in local stores. They are pleased to recognize their clientele, especially if they recently opened. Feel free to ask questions about their business - this will help to start a conversation. Take a look at their profiles on social networks: most likely, in their community you will find people with similar tastes.
- Pay attention to the neighbors. We communicate more with our neighbors in the private sector or in the country, but in apartment buildings you can also find friends. Maybe you are pleasant to a person with whom you often meet at the entrance or elevator, or in the chat at home, someone says what you like. Take the first step: say hello, ask a question or offer help.
Online
Communication in social networks and various services largely facilitates life. We share photos, videos, voice messages and sometimes sit in dozens of different chats. Nevertheless, when it comes to personal acquaintance and transition of relations from online to the real world, difficulties may arise. “Online you can draw a certain image of the interlocutor,” says GOSTEVA. - Then at the meeting there is a risk of disappointed that in life he behaves not as you imagined. We often project the same story on ourselves - we are worried and afraid not to live up to other people's expectations. So that this does not happen, do not try on the mask, as if you are another person, otherwise it will constantly need to be carried with you. ”
How to start communication:
- Show attention to the interlocutor in social networks. Likes and comments help a person feel noticed. Psychologists describe a phenomenon that they call “spontaneous transfer of qualities” - people associate adjectives that you use to describe others, with your own personality. That is, if you are talking about someone well, people will find the same qualities in you.
- Use special applications. They themselves offer leisure options, look for coincidences in the interests of users and suggest where you can start conversation. There are examples of such applications: Random Coffee , Tandem , Fixmeet , Friendzone
- Take a closer look at offline events. There are programs and events where participants spend time after some activity and can recognize each other better. For example: the closed female club " Zabyka ", the project " barely familiar ", " sunset branch ".
Blits about friendship: the psychologist answers
How to decide on the first step?
Remember the situations when you overcame your fears and came to the desired result. For example, you were terribly worried before the interview, but still came to him and got a job. Or hesitated to go to group training, and now with pleasure go there every week and feel cheerful and good. Everything new is associated with overcoming discomfort, and since you coped with it so many times, then you can definitely be in this one.
How to understand that a person is now my friend?
Friendship is based on trust, interest in each other, proximity and affection , similar values and respect. Think about what this relationship gives you and how much you invest in them.
If this question is at a dead end, discuss it with a new friend. The concept of friendship in different people may differ, and a sincere conversation will help to clarify the situation.
How to keep in touch?
Obvious, but working rule: to keep in touch, you need to do something for this. This needs strength and time, but in friendship it is most often paid off - you will feel happier and, most likely, will receive in response the same share of attention that you pay to a friend. It is important both the process and the result: try to enjoy both of them.
Think about how you usually show a person that he is interesting to you. For example, you spend time with him, offer help, give gifts, share something important. Everyone will have this list. He will be a guide to action.
How to survive rejection?
Give yourself time to accommodate emotions: shame, sadness, anger or resentment. Show care and sympathy for yourself, praise yourself for risking. If it’s hard for you to do it yourself, contact your loved ones and feel free to ask for support.
Remember that everyone should not like you - and you should not like everything. This is the charm of freedom of choice. And you will definitely find people with similar interests and views on life.
Why can a person not need friends?
The need for intimacy for everyone is very different, but often people themselves convince themselves that they do not need friends. This is how the protective mechanism works: we humble the inability to satisfy the need and convince ourselves that we do not need it. Behind this can be fear of rejection, shyness, negative experience of relations or its absence.
How to understand that it is time to terminate the relationship?
When friendship brings more discomfort than pleasant emotions. When it is impossible to be open and there is a constant fear that you will be touched. When there is no more proximity, because your views on life were very parted.
You can stop friendly relations in different ways: interrupt all contacts or return to the stage of friendliness. If friendship has become toxic, the first option will be the only true. In other cases, most often communication gradually decreases or comes to naught, and then friends become friends or just old acquaintances.