How to deal with anger and irritation?

Briefly

On February 16, it became known about the death of Alexei Navalny in a colony in the Zapolyarny village of Harp. For many residents of Russia, this has become a personal tragedy and the collapse of the latest hopes, and some people even found themselves in an acute crisis state due to news. At the same time, another part of society feels quite normal, jokes about the death of a politician or repeats propaganda formulas. We do not always have the strength to open confrontation with colleagues, people in line or acquaintances. In addition, such disputes can be simply physically unsafe. Where in this case to put anger and irritation? The “line” asked Irina Kosterina, the founder and coach of the “Sustainable activism” project.

How to behave when others say evil and inhuman things, but it cannot be left, for example, these are my colleagues, and I see them every day?

For the second year we have been in a situation of acute stress, which grew into chronic. And before that there was a pandemic, which also did not affect the psyche well. Therefore, let's be honest - many people are now simply not in adequate condition. And they behave so because of stress. And the fact is not that a person is bad and wants to make you hurt. He is also in stress, does not realize this and shows inadequate reactions, which can be painful and difficult.

We have typical reactions to stress Fight, Flight, Freeze - Beat, Run, Agle. Therefore, many of these reactions are now manifested.

If someone begins to behave aggressively, begins to blame everyone around-this is the reaction of “hit”. If people close in themselves, translate the topic - this is an escapated reaction to run away from unpleasant interaction. Or the “freeze” reaction, when we freeze and do not feel anything at all, because it hurts - it hurts.

I am furious from what I have to hear, but I can’t do anything about it. I tried to count up to ten - it does not help. How to suppress an attack of anger?

Reacting aggression to aggression is not wise and not useful, there will be nothing good from it. If there is no way to isolate - put on the headphones, go to another room, get distracted, wait until the acute phase passes, then you can politely ask your colleagues, relatives, and people around you take into account your difficult condition. To say: “You know, it’s difficult for me now, I feel bad now. When you say such words or phrases, it becomes worse for me. Yes, you have the right to your opinion, but I am now in a vulnerable state. Can I ask you to refrain from such phrases for a while? ”

In general, it is quite difficult to cope with strong emotions. If we fall into the “red zone”, when emotion drags us like a tuzik on asphalt, it is already difficult to brake. What can you do? You can notice when you begin to take you into this "red zone" - these are the first signs of irritation and aggression. At this stage, you can still do something: get up, breathe, an intense walk helps very well-just go out and walk ten minutes, cutting circles. If possible, then more intense loads are even better: go to the hall, run, and have a little like. There are useful telegram channels that offer quick techniques of bodily self-help: for example, shaking, when we shake with our arms and legs. Previously, they advised to beat the boxing pear or yell, but this does not help everyone. But if there is such a need, then you can manifest yourself so. The main thing is not to people, but on something extraneous, in the void, on the imaginary Putin. Although it is probably better not to trigger in an acute situation.

Motor bodily things help, not always it is intense movements, yoga and qigong can help. This switches a stress reaction and includes a parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for relaxation. It gives the brain a signal that we are safe now and everything is fine with us.

A fundamental idea - do not suppress anything. You can pause, but then find some correct way to express your mental and physical tension.

And what if my reaction is not anger, but irritation? Absolutely everything is nervous, I become passive-aggressive, I say toxic things, and I constantly suffer because of this.

Irritation is also a manifestation of aggression, just a little in a different form and at another volume. You can try to remove your "I" from the negative emotions that you experience. Write on a piece of paper everything that is happening now: thoughts and feelings that disturb. If there is an opportunity to go to an empty room, to the toilet, to the forest, and for five minutes just complain and say everything that is now infuriated, annoying, angry and worries.

In such situations, it is very useful to talk with like-minded people who experience the same. Sometimes do not even talk, but shut up together. But in any case, the feeling of solidarity and the understanding that you are not the only one in this grief is very important. I saw that on the day of Navalny’s death, the largest number of likes and reposts collected not angry posts, but support posts where people wrote: “I hug you all”, “You are not alone”, “We are together”. These posts were so popular because this is exactly what people need.

What do you advise if I was still drawn into the dispute and try to convince me using phrases that I just can’t hear anymore? Or, if he still got involved in the conversation, how not to start behaving aggressively?

There were already a lot of advice on how to work and talk with people who are talking to the TV . But any person always has the right to say: “I do not want to talk about it”, “Sorry, this topic is triggert/I have a different point of view. I don’t want to go into details now, I have no strength/mood/desire to arrange a dispute from this. Let's just change the subject, maybe we’ll talk about this another time, maybe we will never talk about it again. ”

If you still want to answer something and you can’t leave the conversation, you can go to universal values. In the case of the war, for whom people, for this or the other side, the majority converge in one - they want people to stop dying that death is a tragedy. When we go to the level of general humanistic values that almost everything share, usually magic occurs. The interlocutor is dying with his pressure, which was caused by political and propaganda moods. And here you can put an end.

When everything is so bad that I started to break even to like -minded people? For example, it suddenly began to seem to me that someone was laying out something inappropriate or not so mourn. I know what to think so is wrong, but I can’t do anything with myself.

This is a common story, if you remember, then all this was already during Covid. People yelled at each other: who wears masks, who does not wear masks. Now a new occasion to break away.

When we break into like -minded people, we want the people with whom we share the only values and one pain to experience the same as us. And they experience something else.

I can only advise you to keep the focus on the fact that people are different, they have different ways to live pain and grief. Some people, for example, cannot show their emotions at all, they do a different way with severe feelings. Here you should again turn to the level of general values and principles. For example, in Buddhism there are two basic principles: that all people want to have happiness and causes of happiness, and avoid suffering and causes of suffering. And this unites us all. You need to understand that the basic and value settings are the same for us, just in the details we will realize them differently.

If you really want to, then we can say about your feelings, and not blame people for doing something wrong. You can say: “I look at you and even envy a little how you are reacting now. And, unfortunately, it makes me very strong emotions and I feel bad from it. ”

What if I constantly want to cry at work, but I am in an aggressive environment and I am afraid that they will not understand me?

You can find a place where to cry, you can go to the toilet. And you can cry where you had to - it is not necessary to answer the questions of what is happening. You can always say: “It was rolled. There are experiences that I can’t cope with now. ” Crying is a good and normal reaction, it is even better than a state when we cannot cry and become dead from the inside, we cannot live anything.

What kind of behavior strategy in an aggressive environment will be more true: to take a chance and clearly indicate on whose side you are, to break relations, but you will never listen to stupid things again, to respond vaguely?

I know people for whom it is unbearable to be in an environment that does not support them and does not share their views. But the question is: is a person ready to tear everything and go nowhere, losing their financial support, stable work. Or you need to learn to behave differently. In totalitarian societies, alas, the usual story, when in public you have to behave in one way and hypocrite, all Soviet history was largely about it. And in a private life, in the circle of like-minded people to find some outlet and already talking in a general language without fear.

Office and work are not the only place where people spend their lives. It is necessary to search and strengthen the supporting communities, communicate in telegram channels, and meet friends and friends more often. People who laid flowers in the memory of Navalny say that it was important for them to meet their eyes with others, to see that someone else was coming with these flowers. Find support even in such small things.

From the editorial office: sometimes helping others help to cope with rage - for example, you can support political prisoners who are right now in Russian prisons. We talk about how to do this in this material.