Communication circle - on Dante

The psychotherapist - about how, after February 24, social ties and family relations were not restored and did not restore. Research based on the results of a survey of readers of "New"

The events taking place over the past two years have not only become the causes of various individual psychological and mental injuries in individual people in Russia, but they can be called social trauma with full basis. That is, the injury of society as a whole, in the sense that they have violated the usual relationships, norms of behavior, ideas about life.

Of course, there were many different events that differently affected different segments of the population. But here I want to touch only one small part of this vast and decaying into many separate fragments of injury, namely, as the events of February 24 and the subsequent people affected relations between people in connection with their worldview positions. This drama of the relationship was brightly illustrated in the documentary of Andrei Loshak* “Gap break”, released in the spring of 2022. If you return to the events of that time, you can recall that they have split the Russian society. People removed each other from friends on social networks, as in 2014, only even more fiercely. Conflicts took place in families, previously reliable and long -term friendships were torn. Those for whom on moral grounds it was impossible to accept what happened and who had such an opportunity left the country. However, many - apparently, the majority - had to stay. How did people adapt to a new reality?

According to my observations, there were several adaptation strategies:

• distance from people with radically different views;

• join volunteer activities (for example, help refugees);

• create protective insensitivity, abstract from reality that hits from billboards, from TV screens, from Yandex-News and conversations of colleagues and relatives;

• Find like -minded people in physical environment or on social networks and maintain communication with them.

There was also a conformist method of adaptation. Some people who were at first shocked by what happened after some time accepted the point of view of their friends and relatives or replaced from the consciousness that disagreements are important: “everything is ambiguous”, “it is not known who is right, who is to blame”, “you will not find truth,“ we are friends, let's just talk about the discrepancies in relation to what is happening ”, etc.

Another common reaction, which, in particular, was shown in the film “Gap of Communication”, was that a person began to frantically look for methods and means, how to convince others and drag them to his side. Unfortunately, I have not heard about the particularly encouraging results of this enterprise. I am inclined to regard these attempts as a psychological denial of reality - the impossibility for the psyche to believe in the fact that there is a cardinal discrepancy in the form of thinking, aspirations, views and values ​​with people who previously evoked confidence, can exist. Although, perhaps, it is worth conducting an additional survey on this topic.

To see how things are now, two years after February 24, 2022, a survey was conducted among readers of Novaya Gazeta. 587 people answered questions. They were invited to express the degree of their consent with the statements:

1. I continue to communicate with people in the same way as before. Maintaining good relations for me is more important than differences in views.

2. Significantly reduced the circle of communication due to differences in relation to these events.

3. I reduced the circle of communication, but, despite the differences in the views, I continue to maintain relations with close relatives and/or close friends.

4. I try not to touch on this topic in conversations with unfamiliar people.

5. I try to find a circle of communication from people close to me by views.

Also, respondents at their request could add personal information about themselves: age, marital status, education, income level, place of residence (in a large city, on average, in the village, in the village) and comments.

Judging by the additional information left, the women responded a little more actively to participate in the survey than men. The spread by age was large enough - from 23 to 93 years. About half of the survey participants were younger than 55 years old and about half older.

Next, present the results obtained.

1. I continue to communicate with people as before. Maintaining good relations for me is more important than differences in views.

More than half (53.8%) of the respondents did not agree with the statement "I continue to communicate with people as before." But at the same time, almost a third (30%) of respondents, which is also enough, agreed with this statement. I think that this distribution can indicate an internal conflict both inside an individual and at the level of communities: which is more important - moral principles or good relations with others.

From the comments of readers:

• “The first year I tried to maintain relations with people dear to me, regardless of views, without touching in the conversations of the main one. Then it covered and cut off. If you can’t talk to your loved one sincerely about the main thing, he is no longer close, the connections are torn. ”

• “I try to limit myself to superficial communication: hello, how are you, everything is fine, etc. Significantly reduced communication with colleagues: among them the vast majority believes that America needs to show its place, etc. There is simply no desire to prove something or strength. ”

• “It's hard to communicate with people who agree with all the horror that happens or not noticing this nightmare.”

• "It is difficult to treat as before those people who do not give a damn that people are killed."

• “The circle of communication is my nobody and almost did not change. (...) And most of all I am tormented by the fact that people generally refuse to talk about it, as if nothing was happening !!! Vacuum. Some amnesia. A feeling of complete stuffiness. "

• “I communicate with everyone with whom I communicated before. But I can’t say about everyone that I communicate with them just as before. ”

2. significantly reduced the circle of communication due to differences in relation to these events.

58% of respondents agreed that they reduced the circle of communication. Thus, the answers to the first and second question show that the events of February 24 and followed by them continue to exert their impact on the relationship between people.

From the comments of readers:

• "After February 24, the circle of communication became less."

• "Most of the old contacts are blocked in the phone."

• “It became difficult to speak with people diverging with me in political views. I try to avoid such people. Basically, I try not to touch on the topic of politics, especially with new acquaintances, because I’m afraid - you never know what will open ... ”

• “I live in Moscow, almost ceased to be in theaters that I always loved, I don’t want to see anyone without the need.”

• “Because of the disagreements, we communicate much less often with close relatives supporting their own. Close friends have a similar situation. Previously, they tried to convince someone, bring arguments, now just cry at night for any reason ... "

• "I closed completely, the circle of communication narrowed to a minimum."

• "I try to observe the" hygiene "of relations."

• “My version of reducing the circle of communication (if the good old familiar indocrine) is to pause (rarely, only by reason and“ for themselves ”).”

• “Many old ties were interrupted immediately after the outbreak of war. Many people who previously aroused respect or seemed kind and responsive disappointed with one -sided thinking, indifference, lack of sympathy or even cruelty. I'm already afraid to get in touch with the old acquaintances, with whom, perhaps, I would like to talk, but, not knowing their position, I'm afraid to be disappointed in them too. Let it be better to remain a bright memory. ”

3. I reduced the circle of communication, but, despite the differences in my views, I continue to maintain relations with close relatives and/or close friends.

Most respondents agreed that they continue to maintain relations with close relatives and close friends, however, judging by the comments, the communication style has changed.

From the comments of readers:

• “You can’t throw away relatives and colleagues from a circle of communication ... I began to communicate minimally, it closed. With colleagues, after a couple of skirmishes, they simply closed the topic, with the slightest opportunity I am leaving for a remote. ”

• “I continue to communicate with relatives and old acquaintances, even if they maintain their own, I don’t hide my attitude.”

• “With my husband, we try not to raise acute topics. In the first months ***, disputes almost brought to complete discord. Children and husband parted with white faces and clenched teeth and fists. Now they are almost not talking. "

• “It’s more difficult with relatives. There are those who believe in Russian propaganda. But we are not completely isolated from them, just the topic does not rise or quickly politely soaks in disagreement. ”

• “I speak with loved ones only on household topics, because Any statements about the situation in the country end in a quarrel. ”

• “I have not such a large circle of communication, and it has not changed at all. These are mainly people of similar views, so there was no acute problem of choice. With those who adhere to other views (mainly the older relatives), we try not to discuss problematic issues once again. ”

• “There was a husband, the last two years -“ neighbor ”.

Thus, as can be seen from the comments, the events of recent years have split emotional ties not only with colleagues and acquaintances, but also in families, and even between spouses.

Although some participants in the survey were more fortunate.

From the comments of readers:

• “We have no disagreement on these issues. We are all on the same side. "

• “It's good that our family of the same views on what is happening.”

• “My heart yells !!! every day!!! And I can't say anything to anyone! Almost all of my relatives voted for Putin (because more, you see, no one, and it never occurred to them to ruin the ballot!) Or did not vote at all! But I speak with them anyway. Mom (77 years old) stopped working, she began to watch the Internet ... And she discovered so much new for herself! For 4 months, the position has changed almost to the opposite. This is such a victory for me personally ... "

• “I already had a narrow circle of communication, if it is reduced, there will be no one at all. But inside him, the coincidence of my views with two friends began to be felt as a special value. ”

4. I try not to touch on this topic in conversations with unfamiliar people.

From the comments of readers:

• “I'm afraid to communicate with strangers, I'm afraid that they will raise this topic and that everyone will be enthusiastically telling about the“ Protection of the Motherland ”.

• “I managed to fight back from two denunciations, so I listen a lot and I say little.”

• “The circle of topics affected in my conversations was reduced, mainly household and workers remained. Walls have ears".

• “With short friends and unfamiliar people, I try not to talk about it.”

• “With unfamiliar and unfamiliar, there is some block for serious conversations, we discuss the weather and nonsense.”

• “If a person is normal, open to communication, not aggressive - I touch on the topic.”

Thus, most respondents prefer not to talk with unfamiliar people on political topics.

5. I try to find a circle of communication from people close to me by views.

76% of the participants in the survey agreed that they are trying to find a circle of communication with people close in views. But many in the comments noted that this is not so simple.

From the comments of readers:

• “I’m not even trying to look close in views ... Because I had to be disappointed in friends, it hurts.”

• “I would very much like to find a circle of communication with people close to me by views, but this is a big problem. Most of those with whom I communicate, for Putin. It becomes stuffy, I really want a different circle. ”

• "A large city, higher education, 90% of others have views that are different from mine."

• “Since the beginning, it has become quite frankly white at work, seventy to eighty colleagues support both his, and Putin’s re-election for life rule.”

• “Where to look for ours, I do not know. A feeling of endless hopelessness. "

• “A city with a population of 13 thousand. Everyone knows about everyone. According to my subjective sensations, the vast majority of citizens support the general line. ”

• “I would like to expand the circle of communication from people close to me by views, but in the province where I live, that is, in Cheboksary, it is not so easy to find them.”

... If you briefly summarize the results of the survey, then the “breakdown” did not disappear over the past two years, at least for those for whom the events of February 24 had fundamental moral significance. Although most of them nevertheless have to somehow maintain relations at one or another level with colleagues and emotionally significant people (close friends and close relatives), the nature and quality of this communication have changed.

It should be emphasized that those who do not support what is happening in the last two years are in a much more vulnerable position than those who, for one reason or another, chose to follow the mainstream. It is necessary to honestly admit (and this was reflected in the comments) that in modern Russia the former represented the vast majority.

In fact, they are deprived of the right to vote - the sounding of their opinion is associated with the real threat of persecution. They may not have the opportunity to voice their thoughts and emotions not only publicly among colleagues, but also within the framework of the family. Because other family members can adhere to the opposite point of view or be insensitive to this topic - for example, to believe that you do not need to emotionally involve in political events, because This does not affect their life or because nothing depends on them anyway. At the same time, as you know, to overcome traumatic experiences, the ability to express your emotions is extremely important.

We thank everyone who took part in the survey. Special thanks for the detailed comments.

We understand that there are a huge pain behind very many comments. But sharing your experiences is very important. And not only for you personally, but also for those who read these stories, since they understand that they are not alone.

For coping with an emotional injury, it is extremely significant that the supporting environment of people who may treat your feelings with real, not formal (“Well, yes, I see something bad. And what happened?”) Empathy and understanding. And as we once again convinced as a result of our survey, in this regard in modern Russia there is a significant problem. And despite the hot desire to find like -minded people, this is very difficult.

As a practical council, we can recommend to seek psychological support to the Without Prejudice project, which has been assisting people who suffered from the events of this time for two years on a volunteer basis for two years.

Health to you and hopes for the future! Take care of yourself!

* Entered by the Russian authorities in the register of "foreign Agents".