How to tell children about the war

how to talk with children about the war, when any word can become the basis for denunciation

Briefly

Since the beginning of the war in Ukraine, the methods of pressure on people with an anti -war position are becoming tougher, including through their children. In April 2022, Masha Moskalevapainted an anti -war drawing in the lesson. The next day, the girl was removed from the lessons and taken with her father to the police station. Then the father was accused of “discrediting” the army for commentary on the Internet. Later, the FSB officers came to them home for the “conversation” and the search, and in March 2023 her father was sentenced to two years in the colony under the article on “discrediting”.

Another similar case occurred in September 2022. The director of one of the Moscow schools complained to the district Ministry of Internal Affairs at the fifth grader, who put yellow-blue flowers on the avatar and launched a world survey in the class. The police took the girl directly from the lessons, then the employees of the EE center interrogated her mother and daughter for three hours.

Sometimes the reason for the complaints of teachers and educators are completely ridiculous circumstances. For example, in May, the director of the Pyt-Yaha school in Khanty-Mansi Autonomous Okrug, in Khanty-Mansi Autonomous Okrug, told the police for a student who braided the braids in colors, similar to the Ukrainian flag. Investigators came to the master who made a hairstyle, and the family inspector visited the family.

Often, after such news, parents with anti -war views do not know how to talk with the child about what is happening and how to protect him from informational and police. As a result, they are faced with a choice-telling the truth about the war and prohibiting this in public places or not to discuss politics and wait for Z-propaganda from school he will come to their family.

"I will not stop telling the children the truth"

“Once, my daughter gets into the car after the garden and begins to sob and shout:“ Moscow is bombing, there is a grandfather, grandmother, rockets, bombs, planes fly, everything collapses. ” Before that, we did not talk about the war with her. ”

Anastasia is from Moscow, she is the mother of three children: the eldest daughter is four and a half years old, the youngest - three. From September to January, the family went to make a residence permit to Spain, where the girls went to the international kindergarten. When the boy Yaroslav from Ukraine told them what was happening in his homeland, one of the younger daughters thought that it was about Moscow, and roared.

At this moment, Anastasia had to tell the children “what's what.” After this incident, the older girl also had questions: “What is the president?”, “Why war?”, “Why does the girl in the garden say that I have no right to talk to her in Russian?”

When the family returned to Russia, the questions did not stop. Anastasia continued to honestly answer either: “Every time I see the news about pigtails of the wrong color and criminal cases on“ fakes ”and“ discrediting ”, it becomes scary. But I will not stop telling the children the truth. My main task is to make each of them a person. ”

Anastasia does not prohibit her daughters talk about the war in the garden. All educators know that girls can dress as they want, there is what they want, and say what they consider necessary. “If necessary, we will fight again,” the heroine notes.

The Clinical Director of the Mental Health Center and the psychotherapist Anastasia Afanasyeva explains that preschool children do not yet have abstract thinking, but only concrete visual: “For a child at this age, everything that happens outside his life and everyday life is unrealistic and remains at the level of fairy tales. It is difficult for him to connect what is happening in the country or a policy with his own life, at which he looks through a prism of himself and only gradually begins to look through the prism of his family. ”

According to the expert, children perceive the event only if it somehow affects their lives, and they see specific consequences: for example, "because of political events we have moved, and now I can not walk with my friend Vasya." And what actually happens and how it is felt, they generally do not really understand, the psychotherapist explains.

“If we are talking about a small child, it is important to understand how much what is happening around affects his life and the satisfaction of his needs. If nothing has changed much in the child’s life, then an attempt to talk about some external events or share your anxiety is not a very good idea. He can not do anything with this information, ”said Afanasyeva.

Olga from Moscow also has three children, two have been studying at school, the third is already 23 years old. When a woman began to stumble on news about arrests and real terms for posts, clothes, drawings, she caught herself thinking, “one must be careful.” But at the same moment she became “sickening and vile” from this, so she decided not to forbid her children to speak out at school. According to her, it was more difficult to explain what was happening to his younger son, since at the beginning of the war he still went to the kindergarten.

“To my indignation, the son’s knitting portraits in the garden said a wise thing that a“ bad person ”cannot be hung on a bad act. And I had to go in detail for a long time and in detail, because he was not always ready to listen, explain why I think so. Along the way, I realized that children are still washing their brains [in the kindergarten]. The middle son and eldest daughter were immediately with me at the same time, ”Olga recalls.

With other children, she openly and calmly discusses the invasion of Ukraine, but the family agreed - not to be substituted, to adequately react to people supporting war, not to blame, but only to share their point of view and ask questions. According to Olga, the children themselves do not perceive the threat of arrest or denunciation seriously - apparently because they are sure: parents will “tear anyone away for them.

But not all families are ready for such risks.

"I do not want my son at school to communicate in the same way as once with my aunt."

Ksenia’s son* from Moscow is five years old - in two years he will go to school. According to the heroine, the boy in his head has no boundaries about what can be said and what is impossible. Therefore, she does not discuss anything with him, including the war.

“For example, when the courier brings delivery, the son runs to meet him and tells the biography of the whole family: who, where he is. A few months ago there was a situation when I shared an incident from my childhood with him, and asked not to tell anyone. But the son handed everything to the boys from the kindergarten, ”Ksenia recalls.

The thought that soon the boy will go to school, plunges her into horror. Ksenia is afraid that he will not be able to raise critical thinking in his son, and he will believe the “truth” about the war that teachers will tell. And if he still can, he may have problems at school, and she has a law. Separately, the fear of Ksenia fueles the experience of her family in the Soviet Union.

“My grandparents were believing people, religious books were copied by hand, churches helped to open, they were often visited by priests and other unpopular people at that time,” recalls the heroine. - Once they came to them with a search, but there were no consequences for my relatives, although they threatened that they would take away the children - my mother and aunt. My mother was a pioneer, and, as I understand it, she perfectly joined the team. But the aunt of teachers underestimated the grades, humiliated some words for the fact that she was from the family of believers. I do not want my son at school to communicate the same as once with her. ”

Therefore, now Ksenia decided to first teach her son the borders, explain what can be said, and what is better to keep silent about. However, he has a very stubborn character - the boy does not like to obey his mother. But she is just glad to this: if the son knows how to defend his point of view, then it will be more difficult for him to inspire something.

In addition, conversations with the child about what is happening in the country are complicated by the fact that the husband of Ksenia adheres to completely opposite views. According to her, every morning he watches the Moscow 24 channel and believes in everything that they say there. They do not discuss the policy of the house and, in principle, avoid talking on topics where their points of view do not converge.

“I am just silent and keep everything in myself. From this, on the one hand, I feel emptiness. But on the other, pain and despair. I had a very close relationship with the aunt - we were painfully experiencing 2014 and all political changes in the country. She was the only person with whom I could discuss everything, and who could give a really smart advice. She died of cancer and Covid in 2021. If she were alive, she would help to understand how safer and adequate to act with her son, ”says Ksenia.

Now she is considering moving, because, according to her, this is the only hope for a “bright future” for her son. She does not see positive options for Russia's development in the next 15 years. However, the husband has not yet supported this decision: here he has a career, good earnings, real estate and friends. Therefore, Ksenia hopes to learn a new profession that would help keep the whole family abroad.

The psychotherapist Anastasia Afanasyeva believes that at the age of five, it is not worth talking about politics, because it is difficult for a child to figure it out, and most likely, he will try to please his parents. When he goes to school, his views will change and it will already be possible to discuss something with him. She gives such examples:

• There are different people at school whose position may differ from yours, but this does not mean that someone is good, but someone is bad;
• Perhaps there will be discussions in the school that should not be involved, because they may have unpleasant consequences for all;
• In our family, we adhere to this opinion, but you may have your own.

“But if the child is not up to this at all, then it makes no sense to talk to him until he himself is interested and ask questions. It is important to be flexible and look at the introductory: understand which school, what teachers are there, whether there are pressure there or not. To load a small child who has completely different tasks, an abstract policy, is not the best idea, ”Afanasyeva notes.

At the same time, she adds that it is better to explain some things, if there is a fear that the child will “blurt out” and his security will be at risk. This is because children poorly see long -term forecasts and live in short moments. “In any case, the child should understand the motivation of your decisions,” the psychotherapist emphasizes.

"Strictly punished with anyone from school to not discuss military operations"

Sometimes a conversation about politics can happen under the influence of external circumstances: for example, children with annexed territories appear in the class or a classmate, the father goes to war. In such cases, parents also want to protect the child from communication or, conversely, advise “keep quiet” so as not to overtake the situation in the classroom.

Svetlana* lives in the Krasnodar Territory and a conversation about politics with her daughter happened after a girl from Lugansk passed into her class. According to her, she taught not to answer any provocative questions, not to fill out profiles, not to write strange unscheduled works and always call her mother first.

“She strictly punished the military operations with no one from school. The child [a classmate from Lugansk] is almost from the shelling, there is nothing to heat up the situation, ”Svetlana explains the decision.

However, it does not prohibit discussing other issues in the school: for example, "traditional values ​​so sharply declared by the authorities." And on the contrary, she recommended that her daughter disassemble the points and reasonably show their absurdity. “The girl is not yet 14 years old, and she is impulsive, so only multiple repetitions of the rules and sad examples from the media help,” Svetlana admits.

The daughter herself perceives prohibitions with understanding - the recent example of Masha Moskaleva convincingly showed her the need for such measures.

According to the psychologist Anastasia Afanasyeva, it is especially important to explain to the child that in order to interact with classmates and teachers, one should not always adhere to their opinion. She notes the normality of the fact that in the adult world people often do not converge in their eyes, but they can agree and be friends. And if the class has a child with other views, this is not the factor by which you need to choose, communicate with him or not, the psychologist believes. If children are interested in communicating, they will communicate, if not, then no.

“If some“ graters ”happen to one of the children, then you have to say to the child:“ Listen, you don’t have to climb on the wack and argue, you just don’t go in opinion, and this is normal. Then communicate with those with whom it is easy for you to communicate. ” This is also the support of the child, ”Anastasia explains. - In no case should not be prohibited, say that it is dangerous. After all, communication can take shape not only from political or any other beliefs. We are all people and everyone has different opinions, but we can get along together. ”

In Catherine from Khabarovsk, the conversation about the war with her son began back in 2014 - then she visited Kyiv and saw that there was no “discrimination” of the Russian language in Ukraine, as well as the Nazis. After that, they watched and read the news of independent media together with the child. When a full -scale invasion began, Catherine explained that war is "the destruction, death of people and children who simply lived their lives, engaged in family and were not to blame for anything."

In the 2022-23 academic year, the son of the heroine graduated from the fourth grade. All this time, she managed to avoid a direct clash with propaganda: before May 9, the schoolboy went to sick leave, the military letters were refused to write, as well as sending patriotic drawings.

“I asked him: did he have what to say in a letter to the military who just attacked another country? The son said that he had nothing to write to such people. I supported this decision and said that let him put at least a million doubles to him - this will be the best assessment. You can, of course, write that they could put together a weapon and choose another job, but then, I added, the police will come to us, ”Catherine shares.

According to her, the son knows well that the police can detain the protesters: they themselves once almost ended up in a car carrier after a rally. Even then, the family had a conversation that they were trying to plug up for any different opinion of people. However, Catherine does not want to specifically forbid the child to say something. Every year, the son grows up, begins to become more actively involved in the agenda, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to avoid Z-propaganda. Therefore, she is going to transfer a schoolchild to family education, because she believes that this is better than every day to face a “monstrous military” at school and with children whose parents died “Heroes of Svo”.

True, difficulties can arise not only at school. Catherine told how the boy from the yard stopped friends with her son.

“There was a case in the yard - the boy is also in the fourth grade, his father went to war. Two months later, it simply could not be recognized. All the conversations began only about how to “hack the United States” and “destroy NATO”. He was no longer interested in minecraft or shrimp in the aquarium. It was wildly listening to it from a decade. Then he stopped going out for a walk and sat on a computer because he "learned to hack the United States." Fights with my son began in rare walks, after which they stopped talking, ”recalls Catherine.

According to her, she is ready for the fact that her son can say excess on the street or circles. But she does not want to teach her a child to be silent: “There are enough such people in our country,” she notes.

When and what is the best way to talk with the child about politics or war?

The Clinical Director of Mental Health Center Anastasia Afanasyeva shared basic recommendations to her parents about when and how to talk with the child about war and politics.

- It is worth starting a discussion only if external circumstances really affect the life of the child or can lead to undesirable consequences for him and the family.

-The smaller the child, the more you need to give him time to live his little life and not take care of any problems. You need to be sensitive and open to children's questions, give space for discussion, and not try to control it.

- To maintain a sense of safety and stability, to say what you will do with the problem and how to solve it. Children feel well, if something is wrong with their parents, and if they see it, then they may form a deep belief that the world is unpredictable, terrible, and nothing depends on it.

- Choose a language that is understandable to the child: use drawings, specific and visual examples from the life of children. For example, to say: “Imagine how you and Petya did not share the Easter cake. Therefore, in this Easter cake is such a situation, in this country this, but here is the third. ”

- The choice to prohibit or not prohibit talking about politics and views depends on a specific situation, so it is important to remain flexible and see if there is such a need in principle.

The psychotherapist notes that any unstable external or social situation is an alarming incentive for any child, especially if it affects the family and other places of its socialization: schools, kindergartens. В такие моменты особенно важно поддерживать здоровую атмосферу дома и дарить ощущение заботы и безопасности, говорит Афанасьева.

*имена героинь изменены по их просьбе.