"There is no feeling that life passes by." How do girls who escaped from Chechnya live

In 2023, Marem ’s human rights North Caucasus group turned for help 206 women - those who were able to use the connection. The human rights organization " CK SOS " during the same time helped 67 residents of the North Caucasus.

Stories about girls from Muslim republics who flee home, not wanting to be the property of their conservative relatives, regularly appear in the media. But not always leaving the family solves all their problems. The correspondent of the North. Realiy spoke with the fugitives from Chechnya, who hid from relatives in St. Petersburg in Shelter to find out how they live now.

Where is the set?

On March 25, a criminal case was opened in connection with the disappearance of Chechenka Sedya Suleimanova. In the fall of 2022, she escaped from Grozny due to conflicts in the family, lived and worked in St. Petersburg, wanted to get married. On August 23, 2023 she was detained by the police - supposedly on suspicion of theft - and handed over to the Chechen security officials. After that, she was returned to relatives to Grozny, after which the girl stopped in touch. It is still unknown whether she is alive or became a victim of the so -called "murder of honor."

Seda's case is far from the only one. There is no open statistics on the "murders of honor", in 2018 and 2020, 44 similar cases were considered in the organization’s reports.

Girls flee from traditional families from Chechnya, Ingushetia and Dagestan. Most shoots remain unknown to the general public. But in recent years, some stories have received publicity. Louise Duparkaev , Halimat Taramov , Selim Ismailov , Louise Nazyeva, unsuccessfully tried to escape from Chechnya (her escape ended with death ). Almost ended in failure and the escape of the Ingusha Fatima Zurabova. After several unsuccessful attempts, the Chechenka Aminat Lorsanov, a native of Dagestan Elina Ukhmanova , Ingush Marina Yandieva , were still able to flee from the country of Chechen. The escape of four sisters from Dagestan of the Hizriyev and Magomedovs turned out to be successful.

But even with a successful escape, the problems of fugitives do not end.

"You can neither study nor work"

Chechenka Aminat ( name changed ) 20 years, she was born in a conservative Chechen family. After the escape, one of the St. Petersburg human rights organizations was hiding for several months in Shelter, now he lives on his own.

- Gradually you understand: it is not normal that you cannot go out for a walk with friends. It is not normal that you can’t wear pants, that brothers are digging in your wardrobe, that your phone 24 is checked for 7. It is not normal that you are beaten, that you should score an apartment and cook for the whole family for days, ”she recalls her life at home. - The length of your dresses is controlled, your appearance. You are completely limited in movement. You cannot even go to study after a certain class, you can neither study nor work.

Life was planned according to the template: you grow up, get married, all, says the Aminat, and this is the worst thing to live the same life as the women who surrounded it.

“To give birth to children and be unhappy with a man who is a poher on you - I was not drawn to such a life, so I decided to escape,” says the Aminat. - If I had not escaped, I would have gone crazy. I would be forced to wear a hijab, pray and sit at home. Then I would get married, gave birth to children who would live exactly such a life.

The Aminat weighed everything for a long time before she decided to escape. I saved up money, searched for people who can help on the Internet, read articles - about the search for the level of the “most important criminal in this world”, how to hide from the FSB and even how to walk along the street without arousing suspicion. And of course, she studied the stories of other fugitives.

- I ran away at night. Poured sleeping pills into a kettle, into the water. In the evening I prepared everyone to eat. I fed everyone and drove delicious tea, ”the Aminat laughs. “Someone more, someone smaller.” After that I waited until everyone fell asleep. I think it was the sweetest night in their life. And not the sweetest morning, because I was not already. In general, she opened the door - and left.

It was very scary, recalls the Aminat. She did not turn to any organization - friends and acquaintances helped. For the first night I rented an apartment, then left the city. I used only cash, was wrapped in scarves, but so that it was not suspicious. Petersburg chose the end point of purpose.

- Peter is very close to me. When I arrived here, a feeling at home immediately appeared. Culture, people, the city itself - I liked everything, it was easy to join this life, ”she says.

Relatives found and caught the chloride. Then she managed to escape again, but after that fear appeared for her life, the thought that in Russia they would not be left alone and sooner or later they would find it again. She turned to a human rights organization and asked to transport it abroad.

Escape and nightmares

For several months she lived in a shelter, in a safe conspiratorial apartment, did not even go to the store. It was difficult, the Aminat says and thanks the organization’s employees for financial assistance and moral support. The feeling that someone cares about her, gave hope for the future. But she still changed her mind to leave the country.

- I do not know English, I have no education, I do not know anything. In another country, nobody needs me. I ran away to start living. But what's the point of another 5-10 years to get on your feet, get used to someone else's life? And in general, I really love Russia, everything is close to me here - and exchange all this?

The Aminat believes that her acquaintances of the girls who went abroad are worse than her: life without support, “eats” them in complete solitude, she says. The crossing abroad is heavy for any person, and for a fugitive - even more so, and she does not regret that she remained in Russia.

- Here I have friends, support, work. And there I would not cope and, most likely, was in deep depression, ”the girl is sure.

But for many, leaving Russia is the only way to security. Her own situation with her relatives decided without moving, but she prefers not to talk about details.

- After the escape, I dreamed of nightmares - that my family returns me home. I turned on to cars, on bearded men - my father constantly imagined. I came to my senses for a very long time, dived into depression, into apathy, sometimes I simply could not get out of bed, ”says the Aminat.

The Aminat has been living in St. Petersburg on its own for a year and a half. It was not easy to adapt even to St. Petersburg life, she remarks. At first she worked where they took unofficially and without education: a waitress or a barn. Now does not work, lives with his boyfriend.

Like a small dog

Aminat did not have money for psychologists and psychotherapists. According to her, the most difficult thing in a new life for the same fugitives as her is to take responsibility.

- Chechen girls since childhood do not know what responsibility is for themselves. They are responsible for ensuring that other people do not think about your family badly. If you are a girl, you are the face of this family. If guests come, everything should be clean. All your brothers must be ironed, your father should be beautifully dressed, will shave: if he has a crumpled shirt, they will discuss you. Your younger sisters and brothers must make lessons, should be beautifully dressed, should be in time in the garden, at school.

And there was no responsibility for their problems, for self -development, education, according to Aminat, at all.

-If something happens to you, if you are offended, this is all decided by the family. Where to study, the family decides. You most often do not go to work at all. As my father said: first we provide you, then your husband. This is the essence of Chechen traditions for a woman, ”says Chechenka. - At first, the father, either brother or uncle, if there is no one else, is responsible for you. Then she goes on her husband. You are just like a little dog: if I found it, there is always an elder who will answer for you. And you yourself are nobody.

That is why, he believes the Aminat, it was so hard for her in a new life. A lot of good fell on her, but she did not know what to do with her freedom. And she did not know how to earn. Helped natural sociability, the ability to get acquainted with people and be friends.

- From childhood you were convinced that you are not capable of anything. Only a man knows how to make money, to answer for himself - and for you too. You are just an application to this man. And now you are responsible for yourself. This is insanely cool. But, if from childhood you have not been instilled in these skills, it is very difficult. Your peers can do everything, and you need to start from scratch, ”she says.

According to the Aminat, it still seems to her that she is a small child who adults should be responsible for. It was not easy to understand what she really wants.

The fugitives would be helped by good psychological assistance and obtaining work skills, she said. She herself really did not learn anything - she had to hide too much. She was very helped by communication with peers-Chechen, they understood her best, gave her a feeling of a new family. But she still does not trust anyone completely and, of course, misses the family.

- Most of all I miss my mother. Like any child, I am attached to her, I love her very much, we were always close with her. And although her brain is saturated with all this, I understand that she is the same victim of circumstances. I also miss the noise that my house was filled with - we have large families, many children, wake up - everyone is running, screaming. It’s hard for me to get used to silence, to loneliness, although there are much more pluses, you can get bored from afar, ”the Aminat smiles.

However, life is gradually getting better. In her free time, she reads, communicates with friends, spends time with a guy, walks. Goes to German courses.

“All my life I wanted to be free and independent, I wanted to choose and live my life, and not someone else's, template,” says the Aminat. - I want confidence in the future. I would like to let go of everything that was, erase and forget, find calm. I never wanted to return home.

The normal active life of the aminations began recently, when it was possible to overcome depression. Now you have to decide what it will do. She dreams of a career of a model or actress, possibly in a comic role, but a public profession is dangerous-relatives can find and kill, she says, so she will have to do something more suitable for the situation and "fall in love with it."

The chloride is very worried about other racing girls, especially for soda Suleimanov, abducted by relatives from St. Petersburg on August 23, 2023.

- I really hope that the gray is alive. In Chechnya, it all depends on the family. I can’t say, but in some families you can stay alive. There were no cases to be pulled out with the help of the law. But there are repeated shoots. I hope that if the gray is alive, she will be able to leave the house again. Either a repeated escape, or universal publicity - I see only two options, ”says Aminat.

"I played what I like"

21-year-old Sarah Bibulatova does not hide her name. She fled twice from a very religious family, encountered the same problems as the Aminat, but still decided to evacuate abroad. For security reasons, we do not write where she lives now.

- You can’t talk with the boys. You can’t play on the street. You can’t be friends with this girlfriend. You can’t watch this. I remember the moments when I could just think about something-another child. Even for this clung to this: what do you think about? What came to you? - She tells about her life at home in Chechnya.

According to Sarah, her relatives tried to manage absolutely everyone, on their part there was total control. She lived in continuous threats and prohibitions, had to be very careful even in the selection of words.

- I could not play ordinary games if my brother believed that they were only for boys. These are computer games, some kind of show on TV, ”she adds.

As a child, Sarah obeyed relatives, convinced herself that all the restrictions were from love and her own good. But as they grow older, she began to resist.

- The violation began with the little things. While no one saw, I watched what I like. I secretly played what I like. The main thing is that no one would catch me, otherwise long conversations and suspicions began, ”she recalls.

By the age of 15, she overcame fear and slowly began to listen to music - "Trilled the headphones at her brother." Sister secretly bought her books, Sarah read them, hiding in her room. Despite fear, it made her happy and allowed to be herself.

-Sometimes my brother tried to break into my room: the closed door meant that I was doing something wrong, I had no right to close it-they should always know what I was doing. By the age of 17, as if to say in their language ... I have already become insolent and began to take my mother’s phone while everyone was sleeping. I watched movies, listened to music, pulled my English - self -developing. When I went out to play on the street, my mother covered me. If she did not have time to warn that his father was returning, he caught me and could publicly drag me home by the hair. Sometimes my brother could find me reading the book. He selected her, says Sarah.

More important honor than a child

Sarah hated conversations that she was changing in the bad side and that something should be done with her. In punishment, she was forced to listen to the imams, watch Islamic videos and read religious books. Gradually, she began to think that she had to escape from the family. The main reason was the constant fear, chasing it from childhood, and the inability to sit down and talk with relatives, pour out the soul.

- It was important for them to show that they are respected people who are very soaring about their honor. Like, I have dignity, and I should not behave like all these unbelieving girls. With age, I began to understand that, no matter how much they love me, their religion, their values, some kind of invented honor-and not me that they raised, their own child will always be more important for them.

Sarah directly said that if his father wants, he can do anything with her, because "honor for the family is most important."

- Everyone in my family condemned and sent me to be “treated” if I honestly said that I want to live freely, to love the one I will choose, not to be afraid to show myself the real one. I would describe it like this: “You never hung me, but all my life I felt a rope on my neck,” she continues. -Looking at the life of my older sister in marriage, which she did not want, I can say with confidence that the choice made by someone for you breaks the most. I did not betray myself, I believed that I could break out and become myself.

Sarah knew that they would look for her to the last.

- I am grateful to the family that they explained to me so well that "they will look until they stumble upon my lifeless body." After all, the dead I cannot discredit their honor. These threats became the last straw in my sea of mistrust and hatred. I stopped believing that their love for me will be more important for them “honor,” the girl is convinced.

Everything needs to be done yourself

Sarah fled abroad using the SK SOS human rights organization. In the new country, it has been eight months, but has not yet been fully adapted.

In Shelter in St. Petersburg, she arrived with one backpack and a couple of things, and left with a suitcase. Once abroad, Sarah realized that now everything would have to be done by herself. She was afraid of people, there was almost no communication experience.

- In Russia, in Shelter, I was under the care of the organization. I was kept, helped, organized therapy sessions, and took me to the doctors. There was always someone who directed me, says Sarah. In the new country, everything was different. - I looked out the window, looked at people and thought - happy, live their lives, free and independent ... I will not succeed.

Sarah suffered from loneliness and "wild fear for her future." Like Aminat, it was a fear of taking responsibility. The most difficult were the first two months.

-It was both frightening and exciting-I no longer need to wait for someone's approval. Before the escape, I never managed money myself, did not make serious decisions. All my life they told me what I should be, even my gaze was controlled, I had to walk with my head down and not raise my eyes.

According to Sarah, an independent life completely changed her, she convinced herself that everything would work out, but time was going on, the condition worsened, thoughts of suicide came in the evenings.

- I thought: well, everything is nafig. I was not killed at home, because I wanted to take revenge on my relatives. My dream was to escape, to see something new, to try this free life. But, having achieved the goal, you do not understand what you want more, ”she remarks.

Sarah has not yet been able to stabilize her condition until the end, she is tired of living in alarm and rushing out of extreme to the extreme.

“I don't know how to help myself.” The realization that I have depression, does not change anything. It is constantly not enough time to relax and recover. My condition does not deteriorate only thanks to my very close friend, who has become part of me and supports me in everything and always, ”says Sarah.

From the advantages of a new life: she managed to find a stable job as a manager, although there was no experience. Although Sarah considers herself an introvert, she is now full of friends.

“They became me like a family.” I fully realized what a real family and unconditional love should be, ”she adds.

Sarah likes to learn languages, but there is no time and time to sign up for courses.

- There is no taboo on many topics on which it is not customary to speak in Russia. Местная культура позволила мне по-настоящему открыться самой себе. Тут неважно, как ты выглядишь, какая у тебя религия, цвет кожи. Но людям не плевать друг на друга. Даже если ты плохо говоришь на их языке, тебя всегда готовы поддержать, – убеждена Сара. – Я могу мечтать. Беру в руки телефон и понимаю, что никто не станет в него лезть и проверять, что я делаю. Год назад я и представить такое не могла. А сейчас я по-настоящему проживаю свою жизнь, со всеми хорошими и плохими эмоциями, взрослею, и уже нет чувства, что жизнь проходит мимо.

Правозащитники из "СК SOS" говорят, что многие беглянки вообще не приспособлены к реальной жизни.

– У некоторых всего шесть классов школьного образования, плюс ноль бытового опыта. К примеру, одну подзащитную мы учили гречку варить. В случае с эвакуацией за границу проблем еще больше: это долгий и сложный путь, к которому многие не готовы, – считает эксперт. – Одни организации предлагают им психологическую помощь, другие предоставляют карьерные консультации. Однако это не отменяет трудностей, с которым приходится сталкиваться девушкам.

We do not disclose the real name of the author of this publication due to the threat of criminal prosecution under the law on undesirable organizations in Russia.