Place of residence: everywhere | Colta.ru

Kolt continues the project“In separation” by the text of the journalist, ex-head of “such affairs” Vladimir Shvedov.

The dilemma that tormented and continues to torment many-to be in the country or leave, stay in exile or return-Swedes decided in his own way. His answer: neither there nor there. Read how possible.

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***

- Well, where are you living now?
- Nowhere.

After that, questions are necessarily followed: but it cannot be, there should be any base, well, somewhere you most often linger? We have to look for awkward answers, but each of them will not be quite true. Istanbul, because the great story, the sea, islands, but actually-the most convenient airport. Yerevan - there is a bank account, there is simply and clear and there is a wonderful Sevan with the best Sig and trout in the world. Nizhny Novgorod, finally, - no matter what happens, there is a favorite apartment with a view of the Kremlin and on the arrow of the Oka and Volga.

In fact, of course, I have no base anywhere. Wherever I end, everywhere in a week or two I move on, somewhere forward.

And my house is a backpack behind my back and a phone in my hand.

1

This was not always the case. Actually, I have never been an experienced Beckker and a tourist. Moreover - for the first time abroad I turned out to be just a few years ago, and almost always I went exclusively to different conferences, trainings and seminars. There was such a happy short period, when cross -border ties were preserved, and the publication “Things” where I worked, grew rapidly - and was in demand both by official Russian institutions and in the international community.

After February 2022, all this, of course, ended, but I was in no hurry to leave anywhere. Even the opposite. Just a couple of weeks before the invasion, I quit an extremely important, but terribly tired of the chief editor of the “such cases” and went into “free swimming”. I was going to spend at least a year to work less and relax more, to engage in myself and my house - recently bought in a mortgage apartment in the lower, species, but very old and dilapidated.

It turned out differently.

... In September, I was on a small and completely unrequisite in Tbilisi. Unlike most friends, I never loved this city, but it was simple - to talk a little about the "journalism of decisions" for the local community.

I managed to speak, and the next day we gathered in the same hall in our small company, so that on the screen of the projector, where there was my presentation yesterday, see an emergency appeal with the announcement of “partial mobilization”.

Of course, it was a shock. In those minutes, no one had yet understood what it would result in, but I went out of the audience with the feeling that I was well printed on the head.

Then there were crazy news about cruel raids in separate regions, the upper Lars, crowds of confused young men with Slavic faces on the streets of Tbilisi. They said that they met them cordially - I don’t know, I don’t know, I saw not the only fight on this basis, and they refused to serve me in a couple of places. But these are, of course, trifles.

Now those days have been forgotten by many, but I don’t know how to forgive the Russian authorities of this fear and this unknown violence against its citizens - especially vile, because he was preceded by months of stubborn lies, that nothing would be prepared for anything.

I felt doubly strange because I was immediately on the other side of the border. And while my friends stormed the border crossings, I was already “outside” - and this choice, in fact, was imposed on me.

About friends is not a figure of speech. While studying at the university, I received a military specialty; I remember her as now: VUS 094001, the combat use of terrestrial units of military intelligence. The position is the commander of the reconnaissance platoon, the suitability category is A1, without restrictions. With such a renoma - a direct road to the "front end".

Since the old times, we have remained a half-dead chat of collections-Lieutenants-"jackets", as real officers call them-and in those days it revived more than ever. Feeling, the agenda then received at least half of the release exactly and some - directly with the "mobilization prescriptions."

To begin with, I asked the conference organizers to Tbilisi to transfer my return ticket for a couple of weeks to figure out what will happen next.

“Letter of happiness” never came to me. But still, I did not go back anymore.

2

At first I was like in a fog. It was hard to think. I did not want abroad at all. Especially - so.

I had only a small backpack of Deuter’s brand with me - I borrowed it for a couple of days from my neighbor, with whom we rented an apartment in Moscow together. And in the backpack - the whole set of things that were destined to spend many more months with me:

- A couple of T -shirts;
- underwear;
- jeans;
- Nizhny 800 cap from Nizhny's anniversary in 2021;
- the “ceremonial” shirt from the fashionable Georgian brand and very expensive, but completely impractical shorts, or pants - in order to act in this;
-A stupid wine-colored jacket from the 2019 Wine of Moldova festival, which I never put on, and then I decided to take it with me;
- phone and laptop;
- Every road trifle.

Even the second pair of shoes had to be bought later, on the spot.

What to do next, I did not understand at all and felt just terribly. In order not to go crazy completely, I tried to change the situation: first I went to Batumi, and then flew to Armenia. Actually, this was my ticket back, only the second section - to the Moscow Vnukov - I did not use it anymore.

Both in Tbilisi and Yerevan, friends who sheltered at home and distracted me a lot with their participation. I understood that I was causing them inconvenience - for example, in Yerevan I had to live with a young married couple with a small child on the couch. But then, in the face of an unprecedented adversity, everyone supported each other very much and did not ask unnecessary questions. For example, in a large apartment of my girlfriend, who moved to Tbilisi a little earlier, in a couple of weeks I found a refuge not only me, but also a few more of the same unlucky relocates.

Help was very important, but it was not so easy with her. The ability to accept support with gratitude and not feel at the same time imposing insignificance - this is what I had to learn all the next time. Although the moment was not up to reflection: I more or less entered reality somewhere only a month after mobilization. And finally he made himself a foreign - Armenian - an account that I had helped more than once later. (Since then, this bank without residence, by the way, has not been opened anymore anymore.)

At the end of October, I was called to Vilnius - to tell about one collection that I edited - and thanks to the patronage of the organizers of the meeting, I was able to fly a direct flight from Yerevan to Lithuania, although the Russians were no longer allowed into this country with Schengen.

And again, thanks to the help of friends, I was lucky to find a place to live in Vilnius for some time. True, I did not want to linger there at all, so I decided to go the same way as before - that is, to go around the country where my eyes look.

I remember that I bought an old English coat in a charitable second and went to a completely unknown (and not particularly necessary) city of Shyulyai, went out for a walk along the Gray November streets and began to intensively think how to be now. It was then that it occurred to me that if you are imposed on some difficult choice, you can always get out of this dilemma to another dimension.

They tell you: either round or square - and you choose cold and purple.

This thought struck me: it is not at all necessary to stay where you do not want to be, neither go back to your own past - to the life that clearly will no longer be, and even with incomprehensible risks.

I have no experience in living with one backpack or finding myself far from home longer than a couple of weeks? So it's time to take it and make up.

All introductory ones were as if in my favor. I have neither animals nor family, I got used to an autonomous independent life - from the age of 17 I lived in a hostel, the work of remote and piece -rate, and total unknown and uncertainty around even have to plunge into this unknown, become part of it.

3

The next year I visited two dozen countries. I stayed with friends and in inexpensive hotels, traveled to half of the European part of the world, looked at small unknown towns and at the greatest cultural monuments.

Sometimes I got into the troubles. Here, perhaps, is the most remarkable: two crazy black guy with a machete at the ready wanted to chop me in the Moroccan city of Fes for giving them my phone - the most valuable thing I had. The French grandfather saved me, who, after being experienced, became bad right behind the wheel, and he had to solder him with beer stored in the glove compartment (we will remind, in a Muslim country). How many times I told this story - not to count, but only because it ended well.

Of course, I missed the lost lifestyle. Most of all I lacked driving - only a year ago I received rights and really loved to ride. But very soon I began to like that I had practically nothing - which means that I am not attached to anything. It was a real luxury-there is only a couple of things that you should worry about, you know for sure that everything is important next to you, and at any time, if something starts to tire, you are ready to get out of place and move on.

For most of the time I was completely alone, and it suited me - I had enough new impressions, countries, cities, and the daily 20 thousand steps helped stabilize the condition. Yes, and I already had a habit of spending a lot of time with myself.

But nevertheless, it was precisely when I got used to the idea that everything was not so bad, the all-consuming longing was returning-especially in countries where few spoke English. On such days, I always strove for large reservoirs, stood on the shores of the Cold Sea, looked beyond the horizon and realized that all these vicissitudes were nothing compared to the icy calm of the elements. This fascinated and reassured much more efficiently than a comparison of their own hardships with someone’s incomparably mostly suffering. And these thoughts also, of course, visited: after all, while I was traveling around the world, the war continued and tens of thousands of people died.

I learned not to be afraid and not ashamed to ask for help. It happened that because of the difficulties with international transactions, I literally lacked my living, and now there was no saving credit card at hand-but my friends, ready to lend me again. And I am infinitely grateful to them for this.

In general, during my chaotic movements, I began to appreciate people much more. Any - from the owner of the fish shop, where I went several times in a row, to the journalists with whom I spoke before only virtually, but from the first meeting I felt that it was a real friend - after all, he was almost the same situation as me. Yes, sometimes we could have different views on how and why we all ended up at this point and what to do next - but I never sought to aggravate the contradictions and, on the contrary, set a human attitude above any disagreement.

Meanwhile, the world was very small and understandable. Even new countries and cities were laid out into familiar elements: similar principles of development, close in spirit, typical cafes, hotels and bars, recognizable nature. This did not push it away - rather, on the contrary, it supported me with a sense of global space to which you belong. Although it was a little tired-and the further, the less sense was to go somewhere further.

Work helped to escape from experiences: my freelance cooperation with several editions made it possible to build a day in such a way as to manage to look at all new tasks and fulfill everything scheduled at any time, at least late at night.

Ultimately, this experience of unexpected seizure from the usual life taught me that it is harmful to cling to well -established models. With all my liberalism and, I hope, flexibility and freedom of thinking, I have always been a rather inert man and not ready for sharp changes. But here they found me themselves. It remained only to make the right conclusions - and not to be afraid to change the decisions made. For me, a person who was always convinced that in life it is necessary to build rationally sound structures and follow the planned plan, not paying attention to anything, all this became a great discovery.

However, the adoption of constant uncertainty and chaos-like the horizon in one or two weeks-also became for me a plan that must be adhered to.

4

The main thing that prevented (and continues to interfere!) Enjoy this new plan is the lack of a significant movement towards the goal. Constant movements on the planet have become a false replacement for real development and at least some clear vector before the eyes.

Two years later, it seems that not only me, but all the reality around me is in painful stagnation, hung over the abyss before a terrible throw, after which everything will definitely become irreversibly, but already differently.

Walking around the world as a roll is a good option to gain harmony in instability, but a bad strategy to see the real path ahead. Adaptation, continuous adjustment to reality, also requires effort and takes away resources, but there is no forces left for serious achievements. Whether they are needed, these achievements, a question, but it is very difficult to allow yourself to do without serious achievements and without a global goal that I would like to move to.

The most important task is to understand what this goal can be. If you want to strive for something-this is already a joy. You can move to the guiding star immediately and quickly, or you can-sedately, thoughtfully, for a long, long time.

But you will still know that there is a landmark, and you will never forget about it.

I am more and more on the sides, I read media and blogs and people who remained in Russia, and emigrants who happily discovered themselves in new countries and in new role -playing models - and I do not understand where I am in this wonderful world.

And sometimes it seems to me that everyone around was terribly burned out, or even just moved off the coils. How to find himself here for a moderate person who never strove for barricades, but dreamed of preserving and increasing his favorite profession is a big question.

But I know that there are a lot of people around people who ask themselves about the same things. And I hope that we can still outline the right path.