Translated material
I am Gay from Dagestan
Mark was born and raised in Dagestan, now he is 17 years old. He realized his homosexuality early, and others guessed about it - his parents did not accept him, and the classmates were poisoned and almost brought to suicide. Now he lives in St. Petersburg and no longer hides orientation. He told his history of media about Quir-culture and LGBTK-loves in Russian Just Got Lucky . "Cold" publishes this interview.
They poisoned me and almost brought me to suicide. But now I feel safe, although I live in Russia
I introduce myself to Mark, although my name is not the case according to my passport. I was born and raised in Makhachkala, the capital of Dagestan. This is a beautiful Primorsky city, from my house to the Caspian Sea could be reached in half an hour. In general, Dagestan is a region with a very picturesque nature, but a special mentality: there is very conservative people, there is a strong influence of Islam. My family is also conservative, but I think this was not reflected.
I realized that I was gay at the age of 13. At first I tried to convince myself that I was Bi: it is as if better - you could meet girls, and not just with guys. Then I was not mannered, as it seems to me, but I was an “informal”, and at school relations with my peers did not go well. Many suspected that I was gay, they called the "fag", and just gay too.
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In general, I poorly remember the school, probably because of everything that I experienced. Mom found out about my orientation: she read my correspondence with a friend where I said about it. There was a scandal, they took the phone from me and did not give it for a very long time - longer than in all other cases when it was taken. But then everything somehow subsided, and the phone was returned. My parents did not accept me then. I think mom gradually gets used to the fact that I am gay, but dad is not: he believes that I “indulge” because I am a teenager, and it will pass.
Demanded to swear by God that I am not gay
After the ninth grade, I entered the college in Makhachkala. By that time, I began to grow my hair, although we are not so accepted. I did not immediately get a relationship with one teacher: he often rude to me, and once called to the board and began to insult. I went to the director and told everything - the teacher was fired. Because of this, my relations with classmates were deteriorated, because that teacher gave grades for bribes, and the new one, who came to his place, was not.
I think then they paid attention to my college, especially since I told the director that the teacher insults me because of my orientation. In addition, I was friends only with the girls, none of the guys was ready to communicate: I think, because if someone made friends with me, there would be rumors that we were meeting, so everyone was afraid.
Soon I started problems with other students. Once I left college with my friends, and some guy stood at the gate. He grabbed my headphones, asked if I would leave them to him, - I put it, of course, rude, but I could not definitely retold. I refused. On the headphones there was a sticker from the game Genshin Impact (game in anime stylistic.-Approx. "Cold") : he called the fagot and tore off.
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After that there were several more situations. We approached the college with friends, the same guy with the company called me "ask something." The questions were in the spirit of "Are you, gay?" And "Are you, fag?" These guys began to tell that “normal boys do not behave like that” that I am going against God, at some point they began to insult me. I tried to leave, and one of the guys grabbed my hand, did not let me down; For another, a friend grabbed and dragged it to college. They pulled me in different directions, and I was scared: there were quite a few guys, all strong, I understood that they could harm me, and just numb. It was saved that one of this company said: “Yes, leave him!”, A friend was able to tear me out of their hands, and we went to the couples.
From this moment I began to worry very much - this situation scared me.
Then the same guy caught me after the college, already outside the gate, with his friends took me to a deserted place, took out the phone and demanded that I gay. I denied everything, he demanded to swear by God that I was not gay. More and more some guys came, at some point they stopped him, frightened that the teachers would notice the crowd.
"Hurray, one gay in Dagestan will become less!"
In my college there was an instagram account with anonymous messages that were sent through a special site, and then laid out in a story. And there a message appeared about me: that I am gay and will fight with someone near the college at a certain time. There was a third couple, I was in a complete stupor, very scared. My friends and I came up with a strategy how to leave college imperceptibly and nothing happened. But I'm sure that if not for this, I would be caught and beaten.
Then some people created a telegram channel on my behalf. Within a month, they threw the photos with me, wrote where I was, leaked my address. Many people were signed on him, they wrote evil comments. My friends asked me only to walk with them. The classmates discussed this channel, my tiktoki, asked if they were writing about me, whether I was gay.
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I began to seriously think about committing suicide. Once, when I was sitting on a couple, my photo appeared in the Top and skirt in the channel, which I posted only for “close friends” on Instagram. Non-groups immediately began to look at me with a dumb question whether it was me, some people stared from the corridor, in the comments to that post everyone raked, and the admins wrote that if 100 subscribers were typing, they are poked with a knife.
I was scared, asked for a toilet and escaped from college. All things remained there, but I did not care: I was going with the thought that I would kill myself now. I went to the house in which there was an open roof of the 18th floor. But I could not make suicide: I just recorded a video message in my small telegram channel for friends and relatives. It was forbidden to copy and send it in it, but one of them made a screen with this circle, and it was published in the same group with persecution of me. Everyone rejoiced, wrote: "Hurray, there will be less gay in Dagestan!"
The police accused me that I had provoked injury
The video spread throughout the college, the phone torn from calls, friends and mother tried to get through to me. They began to look for me throughout the area. I went down the roof and just walked. He ended up in a square, sat on a bench and lost consciousness. I woke up already in an ambulance. They gave me a sedative, they began to ask what happened.
The ambulance didn’t go anywhere, they just brought me into the car and tried to bring me to life. They called the police. The square was next to the government building where the deputies are sitting. Two of them even came and left their phones to help. But I did not save these phones.
The police did not really help. I was interrogated for several days until one in the morning, and different employees asked the same thing - I told them the same story about 20 times. The police also accused me that I had provoked the injury. Some watched my phone, found some gay things in the gallery, said: "There are direct proof." As if, if I am gay, then everything was done with me correctly. They said: "Could you really behave more modestly?!"
The guy who arranged this was found and expelled from college, but not for injury, but for “telephone terrorism”: he called many times and reported that the college was mined. On the day of these events, he called in the same way, introducing himself as my name.
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The case of bringing me to a suicide seemed to be even brought up, but then they came across. All other participants in the persecution were simply released. My depression began: for a month I just lay on the bed, I could not eat, I tried to commit suicide several times. I could not get used to the thought that the person who did all this with me would not suffer any punishment.
All that the police did was advised to “not stick out”, and it is better to move to another region at all. Parents listened: they rented an apartment in St. Petersburg, and my father and I moved there. Father worked for 12 hours, we didn’t even see each other.
I turned to a psychiatric hospital and spent three weeks in the hospital: a psychiatrist and a psychologist were constantly dealing with me. This helped a lot, I think I coped with depression. But I have PTSR-the psychologist says that because of this I can poorly remember school and college. Therefore, I had to prepare in advance for the interview, write out all the events.
It seems to me that nothing threatens me in St. Petersburg now
Now I am leading Tiktok and YouTube , I am no longer hiding and I want to be famous. I have become more mannered and accept myself like that. It seems to me that in St. Petersburg nothing threatens me now, but in the future, I am sure, they will begin to pursue me again.
While I work in a catering and smoking money. According to my estimates, I need about 200 thousand for moving and first in exile, while I am looking for a job. Now I don’t even have a passport. I am considering two countries: Argentina and Armenia. I would like to be in Spain, but there I can’t get a visa. Everywhere there are minuses, Armenia is also a homophobic country , and in Argentina strong inflation. I do not consider other countries.
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Author: Yaroslav Rasputin photo on the cover -onrey shevchenko / alamy / reuters