Marijuana ruined my life

Cannabis is the most popular drug in the world. According to the UN, in 2023 it was used by about 219 million people. Often you can find the opinion that marijuana is not addicted. However, this myth - the frequent and intensive use of this drug is addictive . A journalist who wished to remain anonymous encountered with the consequences of the dependence. “Cold” talked with her about how her habit grew into daily use and with what unexpected symptoms she collided after refusal.

I spent 800 dollars a month on it. After the refusal, I had physical breakup

Disclaimer: The text is based on personal experience and subjective sensations of the heroine. Marijuana affects people differently depending on the frequency of use, mental and physical health and other factors. Marijuana can aggravate existing psychological problems, and its regular use affects cognitive functions and mood.

In 2017, I first tried marijuana at the birthday of my boyfriend, I was then 21 years old. Our friend brought the grass, and we decided to smoke. Then many in my environment thought that marijuana was not a real drug and much safer than other prohibited substances. I thought so too. Its use can cause panic, anxiety or physical discomfort, but I did not experience any negative sensations. I liked the effect: it was fun, we talked a lot and laughed. At the same time, I had neither addiction nor the desire to smoke again in the near future.

I started using regularly in 2019. The guy and I could not get on a friend’s birthday, where we planned to smoke, and, upset, the next day we bought marijuana in a darknet. At first we smoked about once a week, but over time it began to happen more often - several times a week. For us, it seemed an ideal way to relax. Marijuana was also attracted to the fact that we did not feel a hangover similar to alcohol.

At first, the only minuses were unsuccessful online orders and a waste of money, but there was no addiction: the grass could lie at home, and we calmly did not touch it for several days. However, over time, the situation has changed - if marijuana was at home, we definitely smoked it. When the restrictions were introduced in Moscow because of the coronavirus, we were first covered by the alarm that we could be left without grass. But soon it became clear that it was possible to move around the city, and we continued to use.

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During the pandemic, I started serious depression. Work in the media was accompanied by stress from news - all this pressed on the psyche. The transition to the remote and isolation worsened the psychological state, and it became difficult for me to cope even with simple household tasks. Marijuana helped to feel the joy that was not enough in everyday life for a short time.

In 2020, we moved to the Krasnodar Territory and decided in advance that we would not smoke there. But after a few months we again wanted marijuana. It so happened that my boyfriend accidentally stopped the police to check. They found in his phone photos of the places of bookmarks and began to extort 100 thousand rubles. After that, we returned to our hometown, where we lived for more than a year. All this time we did not buy grass - over time, the desire has disappeared, and possible problems with the law affected this. Plus, I took antidepressants and knew that it was impossible to combine them with psychoactive substances.

I smoked and did not want to do anything - just watch TV shows

In the summer of 2022, we left for Tbilisi, fearing the closure of borders for men. Emigration was severely given to us psychologically, and access to marijuana in Georgia was easier than in Russia. We started smoking again, it became our daily habit: we spent almost 800 dollars a month on the grass, and the evening without it seemed impossible. Most of our friends also smoked, because of this we had an illusion of the normality of what was happening. We reassured ourselves with the thought that everyone cope with problems and stress.

But if earlier smoking brought positive emotions, then in Tbilisi it became an end in itself and necessity. The guy and I had no strength and desire for other classes. The breaks that we tried to make became shorter, and joint use only complicated the situation: when one wanted to stop, the other insisted on continuing.

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A year later, I already smoked not only in the evening, but also immediately after waking up. All days passed in vain, it caused anger and dissatisfaction with oneself. I tried to drown these feelings marijuana, which created a vicious circle. So the addiction works: a person is aware of the harm of his actions, but continues to use, experiencing shame and guilt. Attempts to drown out emotions with a drug only exacerbate the problem.

In 2024, we moved from Georgia to Montenegro. By that time, we already understood that marijuana smoking negatively affects our whole life, and not just finances. The effect became weaker, and it was not clear why to continue the use.

Previously, when people said that marijuana makes a person lazy and passive, it seemed to us irrelevant. In 2019–2020, we worked, studied, engaged in projects and talked with people - smoking, it seemed, did not affect our activity. But by 2024 the situation has changed dramatically: I smoked and did not want to do anything but watching TV shows and YouTube. This undermined my productivity and did not bring joy or relief.

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I did not share my problem with my parents, fearing condemnation. Although my mother and I have a good relationship, I was sure that she would not understand and react negatively. We discussed our dependence with friends, but many of them also smoked and either did not consider it a problem or could not abandon it.

We ate mainly snacks and snacks, normal food did not attract us. And we could eat only after we smoke. I remember how in a cafe I tried to eat noodles to consumption of grass - I could not overlook even half, it became bad from each spoon. I understood that I needed to eat, but I could not.

The appetite disappeared and the whole body hurt

About a year passed from the awareness of dependence to the actual refusal. It was not difficult to throw emotionally, but physical breaking appeared - something that I did not expect from this drug. For example, the grass greatly influenced food behavior. We have disappeared appetite, and the whole body also hurt. Acute breaking lasted about a week.

The difficulty was not only in physical symptoms, but also in a change in lifestyle. We are used to spending evenings, smoking and having fun: watch TV shows, YouTube or just chat. After rejection of the grass, everything had to be changed, and it turned out to be difficult. The daily routine, work and hobbies helped to cope. A clear schedule turned out to be the most effective.

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On the one hand, my partner helped me in the process of rejection of marijuana. We discussed a lot of this topic, reflected and supported each other. They reminded each other about the reasons why they decided to quit, and about our goals for the future. It also supported the fact that together we found new classes and interests.

On the other hand, perhaps without a partner, I would leave earlier. There were times when I was ready to refuse, but he was not. And to quit when a person continues to use nearby is almost impossible. Sometimes I did not want to buy grass, but the guy insisted because I could not live without it. He said that he was also difficult for him, he develops depression, that he really needs it. The next day, he was ready not to smoke, but I did not, because I had a bad mood.

We have not been consuming for a couple of months, and there is almost no traction. After rejection of marijuana, life changed for the better. There was more time, effort and motivation. Previously, everything was reduced to work and drugs, but now there are resources on hobbies, creativity, new projects and travels. This is the most pleasant change. My mental state also improved. Previously, it seemed to me that marijuana helps to cope with a bad mood. Now it became clear that she only exacerbated him.

Author: editorial office of "cold" photo on covering