how to survive the loss of a child

Which helps parents survive the loss of a newborn

Briefly

On October 15, the world hosts the day of memory of perinatal loss when parents recall their dead children. Perinatal loss is the cases of perinatal loss also include abortions for medical reasons, unsuccessful attempts by IVF, miscarriages in the early stages, an ectopic pregnancy, the death of one of the fruits with multiple pregnancy. In some countries, the death of an adopted baby is considered perinatal loss. , when a child dies in a neonatal period - from 22 weeks of pregnancy to 28 days of life. In 2022, 13.5 deaths occurred in Russia for 1000 born children .

If the child died during childbirth or immediately after, parents are often forced to say goodbye to him in the intensive care unit or hospital ward, where other patients lie, or in utility economic premises - that is, places where it is difficult to stay alone with their grief.

Almost in no Russian maternity hospital there is a special room where the family can calmly spend time with the deceased baby, see him, get acquainted and say goodbye. Both parents and experts are sure: farewell is an important stage, without which grief can drag out.

"Boxing when a person is simply cleaned in the refrigerator"

In April 2024, the 35-year-old priest Cyril and his wife had to say goodbye to the deceased daughter in the intensive care room of the perinatal center of the city hospital No. 31 in Moscow. In this center, any woman can give birth to, including the wards of the children's hospice “House with a lighthouse”.

The daughter of Cyril had a difficult diagnosis, the doctors said that the child at best would live a year or two under the Ivl apparatus. Doctors bowed parents to abortion even in the late stages, but the couple decided to preserve the pregnancy. In the first minutes after the birth, Kirill baptized his daughter, his parents "stroked the baby, heard his first cry." Then the girl was taken to intensive care, where she lived for five days. On Monday morning, the spouses called and said that you could come to say goodbye.

There was no doubt about whether to say goodbye to Cyril with his wife: “This is our child, whatever he is - he lived for five days or 20 years. We decided to say goodbye to him, take and bury. This is the right path of a person’s life, when he was given to be born, live on earth and die calmly. ”

But the way the farewell to the child was arranged in the hospital, Cyril calls "strange and unnatural."

“When my wife and I arrived, the child was in the refrigerator, ” he recalls. - He was taken out of the refrigerator with us, deployed from the diapers, we looked, said goodbye, cried - and the child was again wrapped and put into the refrigerator. Yes, you understand that you are going to a child who died, but is fragmented when a person is simply cleaned in the refrigerator. ”

"Respectful to the child and his death"

In the summer of 2024, in the perinatal center, where the daughter of Cyril was born, a special farewell room was opened for parents experiencing loss.

“There you can without haste, with respect to the child and crying, crying, burning. Parents were waiting for their child for a long time, fought for him, loved, but at the same time they never held him in their arms. It is very important for them to be with the baby, to see him, to dress, sing a lullaby, and pray. This is both acquaintance with the child and farewell, ” says Oksana Popova, the head of the perinatal palliative care program for the children's hospice“ House with a lighthouse ”.

Perinatal loss is not only the physical loss of the child, but also the loss of the image of motherhood and the image of the future as such, explains Tatyana Kuzmina, psychologist at the hospice. During pregnancy, the family has enough time to build images - how life will change after the birth of a child. When the loss occurs, the psyche needs at least time to come to terms with the fact that all this will not happen.

To realize the reality and make sure that the child was really, but died, farewell helps parents.

“Imagine: a woman gave birth, several hours have passed, she more or less came to her senses, but there is no child in her arms. She cannot go into intensive care. She has no physical confirmation that the child exists. She did not really see him, she really does not know him - she has no memories. The psyche asks the question: “Was there a child at all?”, The psychologist adds .

So that the mother has a physical evidence that the child was born, but now he is in intensive care, she is prescribed an additional bracelet, which is usually put on the handle of a newborn. When the baby dies, it is very important to say goodbye to him - otherwise, after some time, a mother may have dissociation a variety of psychological defense, when a person begins to perceive what is happening to him as if he was not happening to him, but with someone outsiders. . “On the one hand, the woman knows that the child was. On the other hand, he thinks: “I have not seen him, what if he did not die?” The psyche begins to rush about, and a woman tolerates it very hard, ” explains Kuzmina.

For the fathers, says the psychologist, the child is “a very ephemeral creature” - until they see him and hold him in their hands. Therefore, it is also important for dads to say goodbye to the child in order to establish himself in the fact that he really was.

Farewell, according to the psychologist, logically completes the large -scale process of pregnancy and childbirth. Only after that, the process of grief with its five stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance is launched in the psyche. .

Despite this, some families refuse to farewell to their child - this is a protective reaction. But years and decades after loss, according to the experience of employees of the children's hospice, parents often regret that they did not see and did not remember their child. A special pain causes when this is not an independent decision of the parents, but hospital restrictions.

Oksana Popova recalls: “We have a mother whose daughter died five years ago in intensive care. Mom stood in the doorway, saw her deceased child on a resuscitation table and asked the doctors: “Now you don’t need it anymore, can I approach and take her in my arms?” She was not allowed. For the first four years, a woman could not talk about it without tears - it was very painful that she was not given her child. The pain remains, but the child himself is not in memory. ”

"If you greeted a person, you must say goodbye to him"

Employees of the “House with a Lighthouse” help to prepare for farewell to their child. “During pregnancy, we prescribed different scenarios: if the child dies before giving birth, if during, if after? What is the best way to do, what do we want to say goodbye to him? ” Says Julia, a 37-year-old economist from Moscow.

Her daughter Ksenia was born with Edwards syndrome in December 2019. “My husband and I went to her in intensive care, photographed. This is our little man whom we were waiting for, ” recalls Julia. Hospice officers gave the family a “Box of Memory”, where the parents put their daughter’s things: a blanket, a cross, soft toys, a cap, casts of hands, a strand of hair. At the request of the parents, casts can do specialists to support the perinatal program of the children's hospice.

Ksenia lived for three days. Parents said goodbye to her daughter in the utility room of the hospital, where there were washing machines. Two chairs were placed for the spouses, brought a naked child and left alone. The family spent about half an hour in the room.

“We held the child, touched, understood - you cannot in intensive care. They put her in a suit with a cap, photographed, kissed. For us it was very touching and important. Farewell helps to relieve pain. It is important that there is no lack of failure left, ” says Julia.

Another mother, 40-year-old Elena, calls the farewell to the dead child "a point after which the living of emotions and mourning begins." Her third child, the daughter of Vika, was born in December 2020, the girl had "incompatible with the life of pathology." The birth took place under general anesthesia, using a cesarean section. Immediately after Elena was taken to intensive care, and her husband remained to hold a newborn in her arms - she lived for 40 minutes. When Elena came to her senses after three hours, she was offered: “Do you want us to bring you Vika?”

“I said - of course, I want. There could even be another option - it is like “hello” they say “goodbye”. If you greeted a person, you must say goodbye to him. Farewell absolutely exactly gives a feeling of completeness, ” says Elena.

During farewell to Vika, the family took a photo as a keepsake and took the hat and diaper, which remained from her daughter. “At first I hugged these things, I lived all this. I understood: this is the best outcome, the best possible fate for this soul, ” says Elena. The loss of her daughter, Elena admits, hit her husband more - he dreamed of a third child .

After the perinatal loss of Elena, the vocalist by education, began to help other women: “History with Vika made it clear to me that many women have experienced different difficult situations that are manifested in our body with clamps. I also felt that it was hard for me to breathe or sing. Now I help women through the sound to free the body. "