Translated material
I terminated my pregnancy in the fifth month
39-year-old housewife and blogger Olga Lukyanova from Moscow had to terminate a long-term pregnancy: doctors discovered that the child had Down syndrome, dropsy and other diseases with which his chances of survival were low. When Olga began writing about this experience on her blog, she received many comments from women who had also experienced a similar tragedy. She told Kholod why she decided not to give birth and how she was able to make such a choice, what she felt and how she recovered after, and why she publicly shared her experiences.
My child was diagnosed with Down syndrome and dropsy. I decided not to torture him and our family
At the beginning of 2024, I became pregnant, and we were very happy. Actually, I didn’t dream of a second child, but I thought: if I suddenly get pregnant, I’ll give birth. But I often came across videos on Instagram about the risks of childbirth in women after 35 years of age and involuntarily began to worry. Then I told my husband: “If something is wrong with the child, then I will not leave him. I don’t want to condemn him, you and my son to torment.” And we came to a joint decision that we would not give birth if something went wrong.
However, we told our seven-year-old son that he was going to have a sibling. At first he did not understand, showed aggression and went into denial. The son asked: “How so, will I really not be alone?” But then he accepted it, was happy and began to really wait for his brother or sister to be born. He kissed his belly, brought toys to him, and told him what he would give to the child when he was born. We even came up with a name for the unborn child - Marcel.
“Perhaps the baby is just snub-nosed”
At the first screening, which is carried out in the third month of pregnancy, the doctor noticed fetal hyperplasia: it was atypically large. I was told that perhaps the baby was just snub-nosed and that this was normal. The clinic advised us to wait for the second screening. To be on the safe side, I went to geneticists, who prescribed me a blood test and an extensive ultrasound.
After an ultrasound, doctors said that the child suspected Down syndrome . The results of blood tests also showed pathology. I was again referred to geneticists, and for the second time I donated blood and had an ultrasound. After this, I was told that the child also had dropsy, but it could be cured in utero.
I was offered to do amniocentesis - puncture of the amniotic sac. From there, amniotic fluid is taken and sent for analysis to find out all the pathologies that the child may have. Three and a half weeks later I went to the hospital and got a puncture. By that time, I was about four months pregnant.
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A puncture and additional tests showed that the situation is dire: the child’s lungs are developing poorly and he has heart problems. Doctors said the lungs might not develop at all. The child was all swollen, swollen, and his size did not correspond to his due date: he was larger than necessary.
When I came for the test results, I was told that I had two options: terminate the pregnancy or try to extend it until the ninth month if I was ready to give birth. The doctors told me that, in principle, I could give birth to this child, but he would definitely be sick and unlikely to live long. But perhaps he will die while still in the womb, because the problems with his organs are too serious.
I was scared to tell my son
I began to mentally prepare myself for the fact that the child would not be born almost immediately after the doctors confirmed Down syndrome - that is, I realized that the pregnancy might have to be terminated. However, after that conversation with the doctors, I still cried and could not accept what was said.
But still, I am a very rational person and even then I understood that I would not give birth to this child. It’s unlikely that my psyche could have withstood it. What if I give birth, and then the child quickly dies? It would be such a tragedy! And how would I live the rest of my pregnancy with the thought that he would still die in the end? Hoping that by some miracle I will cure him? My brain didn't accept that. And I realized that I didn’t want to give birth. I turned off all feelings and emotions and decided to terminate the pregnancy.
The doctors did not make any predictions or say how long the child would have lived if he had been born. But he had dropsy all over his body: in the lungs, abdominal cavity, and cervical region. When I gave birth to him, he was all swollen and edematous: there was practically no nose or neck ( according to Russian laws, a fetus before the 22nd week of pregnancy is not considered a child. - Note from “Cold” ).
I didn’t want to suffer myself and torment my son, who would see all this. A sick child is always very difficult. But it was very difficult for me to make a choice. Therefore, I discussed all this with my husband: we talked with him, and he also agreed that it was better to terminate the pregnancy.
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The worst thing was to tell my son about this. He often went with me to clinics, including for additional tests, because we did not always have the opportunity to leave him alone at home. He asked: “Mom, why do we travel so much?” I answered: “The baby is sick, we need to get examined.” But I thought for a long time about how to tell him that he wouldn’t have a brother.
On September 1, my son was supposed to go to first grade, and I was supposed to go to the hospital for an interruption. The night before hospitalization, we went to bed: he, as usual, hugged and kissed his belly and wished his brother good night. And I told him: “Markush, here is the situation: Marcel is very sick. He won't survive. Tomorrow I’m going to the hospital to stop the pregnancy.”
At first, my son began to become hysterical, he cried and screamed loudly, asking: “What does this mean? Is he going to die? I answered: “Yes, he will die, and you will not have a brother.”
Mark asked me: “What is this? Was I hugging, kissing, loving all this time in vain? I said: “Of course, not in vain. After all, he felt your love.”
Recently, Mark’s grandfather, my husband’s father, died in our family. When we told our son about this, we told him that he was in heaven. We also had a dog, Bertha, a Labrador, who also died. Her son loved her very much. And then Mark said: “So they will all be together in heaven with Bertha and grandfather.” He cried for another 15-20 minutes, I calmed him down, and we went to bed.
I felt him dying
It all ended on September 1st. In the morning, my son went to school with his dad and grandmother, and I went to the hospital. When I checked into the ward, at that moment a girl was giving birth there. I told her: “Hi, I’m Olya. What's going on? She replied: “I’m giving birth in diapers.” I asked, “Right here? God, what a nightmare." I thought that termination of pregnancy, even at a long term, is somehow different. But the girl told me that this is better than abdominal surgery and surgical intervention ( medical abortion in late stages is performed by introducing drugs that cause uterine contractions, which leads to artificial birth - Note by “Cold” ).
I sat with this girl and held her hand, I was very worried about her. Three to four hours later she gave birth, the next day she had a follow-up ultrasound and was discharged home.
That same day, the doctors gave me a pill that causes the baby’s heart to stop and give birth. All night I felt him dying, kicking and pushing very hard - this had never happened before. In the morning they brought me a diaper and four pills that cause contractions.
I was alone in the room, but sometimes a nurse came to me and asked how everything was going. My cervix did not dilate for a very long time, and I was asked to walk, squat, and move actively. My water broke only after five hours. Then very painful contractions began, which lasted about an hour.
I wanted to scream and be sent for a caesarean section, I just wanted to die - it was so painful. I was given an injection of painkiller, which didn’t really help. About an hour later, I looked into the diaper and saw that I had given birth to a baby. After 20-30 minutes I was taken for vacuum cleaning. The next morning they gave me another ultrasound, made sure everything was fine, and sent me home.
When I returned, my family didn’t ask me any questions, but tried to distract me: they called me to the table and offered me something to eat. For the next three days I just lay on the bed, crying and trying to accept what happened. I still can’t recover mentally - after all, only two months have passed. But I realized that I need to get out of this state at least in public, because I have a husband and child to take care of.
My husband supported me: he cooked food, took the child to school. He didn’t touch me, he gave me time to get over this tragedy. And then I just got up and started getting distracted. I did household chores, forbade myself to worry and go into depression. A psychologist friend of mine asked me if I needed help, but I answered that everything was fine.
Instagram sent me to hell
I have a telegram channel in which my subscribers wrote me words of support. The Instagram posts, in which I openly talked about terminating a pregnancy, received a huge number of views, which I did not expect. A lot of girls wrote to me in direct messages: they said that they were going through the same experience and that it was very difficult for them. I answered almost all of them and supported them in return.
Of course, I also encountered hate: some wrote to me that I was a murderer of my child and sent me to hell. But I take such comments calmly and try not to pay attention to them. And I always communicate with good people: this motivates me to talk about such terrible and difficult things, so that women who have gone through such experiences understand that they are not alone.
I feel like I'm doing something useful. I’m not a psychologist, but it’s important for women in such a difficult situation to understand that this is their personal choice, and for them it’s the right one in any case. No one should be judged: maybe the person has a difficult financial situation, maybe she is a single mother or with an already sick child.
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One girl wrote to me: “Curse your whole family to die and your animals to rot” (our family has two dogs and two cats). I was so amazed by this game that I couldn’t resist and wrote to her in a personal message that she was a fool and asked what happened to her. She began to aggressively write to me in response, saying that I had killed a child, and God would punish me. But in the end we got into conversation and chatted for four hours.
In the end, she admitted to me that she was terribly tired. She has three children, two of whom are sick: one has cerebral palsy, and the other has Down syndrome. Her husband left her and her relatives turned their backs, and she decided to take out her anger on me. Then this woman asked me for forgiveness. She admitted that she had said some nasty things, but said that it was not out of malice - it was just a cry from the heart. On the one hand, she understands me, but she is against any abortion.
I told her: “You made your choice, although it was known in advance that you would have children with disabilities. And this is my choice. Why did you decide to take such a step, what did it give you? But for some reason the dirt flies at me because I made a different choice.”
Other girls who deliberately gave birth to a child with a serious diagnosis also wrote to me. Some of them say: “If I had known how hard it was, I would have terminated the pregnancy too. I support you." One girl wrote to me that her husband left her after the decision to have an abortion. He insisted that she give birth, but she decided to terminate the pregnancy. Now she is happy that she broke up with the man who did not accept her choice.
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I get more support than hate anyway. This is a very painful and sensitive topic, but it cannot be hushed up. There are these tests for a reason, medicine is moving forward, and mothers are given a choice - to keep the child or not.
I think that stories like mine need to be given more publicity, because many people are faced with this and are acutely worried. It's hard, it's scary, but it happens. The world is already filled with grief, tears, wars, sick and abandoned children. Therefore, I want each person to have his own choice, to find a solution and a way out of a difficult situation.
I really want relatives and friends not to judge girls if they decide to terminate their pregnancy. You need to understand your capabilities. Now you can calmly, without any health problems, terminate your pregnancy, and in two months get pregnant again.
This is advice!
I'm almost 40 years old and I've decided that I won't have any more children. I’m thinking about getting an intrauterine device because I understand that I don’t want to take such a risk anymore, and I’m already enough for one first-grader. And thanks to this pregnancy and baby, I discovered diseases that I didn’t even know about. If it weren’t for a bunch of tests, I wouldn’t even suspect that I had such diagnoses. But now I can take care of my health.
Of course, there are children with Down syndrome who feel great, walk on their own and develop well. They work, they even act in films. But in my case, the fetus had many other diagnoses with which the child could hardly live for a long time.
Someone on Instagram suggested that I give birth and leave the child in an orphanage. This is advice! Who will need it in a government agency? When you look at refuseniks in orphanages, you understand perfectly well that these children will be left to their fate. If you decide to give birth, you will have to put your life on raising the child and caring for him.
If my husband and I suddenly want another child, we will most likely take him from the baby’s home. I was taken away from an orphanage by a foster family in early childhood, so I want to do a good deed if possible. Take the baby and raise him with dignity, if thoughts about this situation let me go.
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Author: Marina Kiryunina Photo: courtesy of Olga Lukyanova