"I want to believe that there, upstairs, my mother is happy"

On September 6, the social dining room in Yakutsk, founded by the heroine of “such cases” Irina Guzova , will have a farewell dinner: an organization opened by a pensioner with a serious illness for his own money, stops working. This happens two and a half years after the death of Guzova - all this time Marina Tugova was engaged in the work of her mother. “Such matters” recorded her monologue about what it feels like to engage in a social project in Russia alone, when there is no help from the state or from people around.

Irina Guzova in the dining room: Alexey Vasiliev for TD

Momo decision

I well remember the moment when my mother said for the first time: "I want to open a social project." I was surprised: “What is the project? Well, you want - open it. ” Then I could not imagine what it would result in, but I knew for sure one thing: if my mother decided something, she would do it. The fact that it will be a social dining room, we learned later - in fact when the doors were open.

At first I supported my mother very much: helped, cooked, was nearby. But soon difficulties appeared: people began to write nasty things about us, accused that we supposedly get subsidies and grants, spend them on ourselves and promote our business, asked why we feed the elderly who have a pension.

Mom painfully reacted to this: cried, worried, could not sleep at night. Then I told her: “If you want to do this, just don’t read the comments, do your job and don’t listen to anyone. But if you take everything so close to heart, then it is better to close. You don't need it. "

When we found out that my mother has cancer, I begged her to be treated and closed the dining room. But she refused. For a long time we had scandals. Sometimes we didn’t talk for weeks, then we put up again, and I repeated all the time: “Do you feel sorry for us? Why are you choosing a dining room, not us? Not me, not my children - their grandchildren who love you so much. You leave health here. ”

Photo: Personal archive

In the last two years, my mother’s life I clearly saw that this burden has become unbearable for her. First, with tears in my eyes, I begged her to close the dining room, but in the end she said: “I myself will be engaged in the dining room. Just please go to St. Petersburg, go to Korea - maybe they will help there, ”I said. But mom replied: “No. How much God has given, I will live so much. ”

For me then it sounded like a betrayal. I sincerely did not understand and, frankly, I still do not understand why she chose the dining room, and not me and my children. We really missed her then and now. She explained to me then:

"This dining room is the last matter of my life"

Now, being in her place, I begin to understand that she was worried: how can evil tongues hack it. It is very difficult when you give everything honestly, sometimes forgetting about yourself, family, children, and in response, dirt pours on you-and it is not clear why. Mom was not an angel, but she was not a bad person. And the matter she was engaged in was certainly not something bad.

My decision

From the very beginning of this project, it was clear to me: I would become the successor of my mother’s case. Nobody in the family has shifted me. For me, this was not a matter of life - rather, the duty to my mother, a tribute to her memory. The dining room remained the last part that connected us with her.

In the first months after my mother’s departure, a huge work in the dining room was waiting for us: we had to redo the documents. I was appointed the head of the NPO, the head of the social dining room, and the paperwork began: accounting fines, taxes ... And a month later, a check from the Ministry of Justice came.

This was the most terrible: I practically lived in the dining room for two weeks, frantically prepared documents. The check lasted almost two and a half months, and for me it became a grand experience. Until this moment, I were the documents were incompatible things. But I had to study, pick up myself. He called himself a sink - climb into the basket. There was no way back.

For visitors to the dining room after the death of my mother, probably nothing has changed, but everything has changed for me. When you come and see the place where she usually sat, without her ... Everything becomes different when the most expensive person in your life leaves.

Photo: Personal archive

I well remember how people came for lunch and always approached her portrait - they prayed, baptized, thanked. Once I removed the portrait, but our grandmothers asked to return it to its place. They said: “Lunch does not climb until there is a portrait. I’ll approach, talk to Irina Borisovna - and it becomes easier. ”

These words, this sincere gratitude for what my mother did is probably the best memory of her.

Closing

At some point, I realized that I could not cope with the project financially anymore. Financing has practically disappeared, there were fewer fees. A lot of volunteers were also gone, especially those who had previously been engaged in the delivery of free dinners. Many sponsors after the death of the mother also quickly moved aside - probably for them it became "irrelevant."

I think that if we had worthy financing, you could have expanded the team a little, and then part of the load would have removed from me. Perhaps we could form a new team, go to another room, then transfer management to someone or remain as part of the leadership and establish work. But now - no longer.

The building where the dining room is located is in very poor condition, but there is no money for its repair. It was necessary to repair heating, change the wiring, roof that began to flow.

While my mother was sick, we had no time to do nothing

After my mother’s death, they began to repair a little: they insulated one wall, but it collapsed due to roof leaks, and in some places the wiring was replaced. But this was not enough - it was necessary to change all the plumbing.

Last winter, an accident occurred: heating froze in the building and the pipes burst. There were frosts on the street under minus 50, and we had to choose: either keep the dining room and purchase products, or repair the room and pay for utilities. It was impossible to pull everything at once.

If we had some kind of financial support or if we were helped with the premises, I think we could hold out for some more time. I asked for help - I contacted the city hall of Yakutsk. But we never received an answer - neither in writing nor orally.

Photo: Personal archive

Recently, they called me from the office of the Commissioner for Human Rights in Yakutia Sardana Guryeva and simply asked why we are closing the dining room.

Utrous utility payments in Yakutia are unbearable in winter . Even for ordinary people, the apartment for apartments is huge, and for a charity project, even more so. I pulled this project as long as I could, and the decision to close it was very difficult for me. I persuaded myself, my husband cursed, the children already directly said: "Mom, we want you to be at home." Yes, it was a difficult decision, but we made it.

Sometimes it seems to me that our society is not yet ready for social projects

It’s not ready to perceive good just like that - people do not trust, look for a catch, suspect that a hidden benefit is behind every business or call.

Do I feel injustice in how the fate of the dining room has developed? Probably not. Her fate was predetermined in the first years of work.

This project was needed only by my mother. Two years later, everything became clear-the administration of Yakutia openly said to her mother: “Irina Borisovna, you are some kind of strange woman. At first they did, and now ask for compensation. You have no right to any compensation. ” This already made it clear that the authorities did not need a project, so I did not expect any help from them - I did not have the illusions that they would hear us.

I really hope that my mother would understand me and would not condemn me for closing the dining room. I really want to believe that she would support my decision when she saw how hard it was for me and my family. And I also want to believe that there, upstairs, my mother is happy with the work and activities that we kept all these two and a half years.

Let people remember the social dining room as a place where you could come at a difficult moment, where they called on the holidays and where they tried to make someone's life at least a little better.