Translated material
Kurlyk - and it’s delivered!
Top 10 spring dope
This material was published in a special tab in issue 17 “Novaya Gazeta. Magazine"
State Duma deputy Igor Antropenko proposed returning payphones to Russian cities to solve the problem of mobile phone outages. And for greater comfort, connect them to the Internet. True, at the Perm telephone plant, where payphones were once made, they were surprised by the offer. The production of vintage phones stopped long ago, and no one was interested in buying them for a long time. So deputies will have to look for other ways of communication, for example, start training carrier pigeons.
Shield and sword
Philosopher Alexander Dugin found a way to achieve a radical change in the course of hostilities. “We need to rename the SVO to Operation Sword of Katehon.” Everything will go differently,” he said.
Katechon (from the Greek “restraining”) is a theological concept meaning the force that prevents the coming of the Antichrist and the end of the world. Previously, the philosopher called Russia not a sword, but a shield: “Russia slows down time. We are the Shield of Catechon." However, neither the sword nor the shield of Katekhon is described in the theological literature - probably these images were borrowed from the heraldry of the special services.
There are no places
The Russian Consulate General in Dubai informed tourists stuck in the country that it would not evacuate them. Compatriots were advised to pay for their own accommodation for the night, and only if the Russian is an “orphan and a social phobe”, write an email to the embassy - maybe they’ll get a job somewhere. With clarification: “Get ready for Spartan conditions.” And here is the building of the Russian Embassy in Dubai. There are no plans to accommodate Russians on its territory.
But unpretentious
An advertisement for the MAX messenger appeared on social networks: against an outsider on a cart - advanced on MAXe. The domestic Lada Granta corresponds to the import-substituted messenger. Users call this brand of car (the former Lada Kalina) an “unpretentious car-containing product.” Due to a shortage of imported components resulting from sanctions, 2022 vehicles do not have airbags. Also missing are anti-lock brakes, electronic stability control and seat belt tensioners.
...So it wasn’t!
Barnaul City Hall banned a rally against political repression and Internet blocking. According to officials, there are simply no such problems in Russia! In a letter to the organizers of the rally, the city administration indicated that the expressions “against political repression” and “against blocking of popular Internet resources” suggest the existence of such phenomena in Russia, but this is not true. This means that a rally with such an agenda threatens to “spread false information.” The position is promising. We also advise you to “cancel” price increases, inflation and other outrages. Let's live!
“Developers” are no longer the same
In Saratov, “children’s weddings” began to be held to form traditional values. Preschool children are taken to the registry office, where “make-believe” marriages are concluded between kindergarteners. The regional children's ombudsman compared these actions to playing daughter-mother. According to her, they help to learn the right guidelines. Here, the authorities of some Caucasian republics could provide invaluable advisory assistance, where very early marriages have become such a habit that they even received public approval from Vladimir Putin: “This is really correct. We should take an example from them.”
There will be something to remember
There were also worthy activities for older children. Yekaterinburg deputy Stanislav Kiselev decided to diversify children's leisure time by digging dugouts. The goal is purely pedagogical: “It’s better to learn [patriotism] in nature. It is better to do this in dugouts that the children dig themselves. So that they remember as adults how to do it.” Since 2022, Kiselev has signed a contract with the Ministry of Defense four times and returned after a few months (for most military personnel, contracts have become indefinite until partial mobilization is completed). The last time the deputy stayed in the Northern Military District was from the end of February to the beginning of September 2025.
Neural network “Deputatskaya”
The State Duma stated that the main threats to Russians are artificial intelligence and Satanism*. Deputy Lantratova clarified that the artificial brain writes “manifestos about purges of people.” Deputy Burlyaev demanded the adoption of a law banning “any AI that gets out of control,” but he was reassured by Deputy Leonov, who explained that no AI exists at all: “This is the product of the crooked hands of programmers,” he assured. The lower house really has nothing to fear, because a month earlier, Deputy Boyarsky explained: artificial intelligence will never replace members of the State Duma, because Russians will not exchange them for soulless machines.
Measure and fine
In Russia it was proposed to limit the length of nails by a special GOST. Singer and mother of many children Ekaterina Shulgina is ready to develop appropriate recommendations. According to her, the trend for long nails creates inconvenience in everyday life: “Everything from there is very difficult to wash afterwards. The length should be no more than half a centimeter, and false nails are a completely unnecessary thing that poses a danger,” the social activist added. There is another prospect. If, at the exit from the salon, you measure each client’s nails with a ruler or, for example, a caliper, and then fine for excess, you can greatly replenish your budget.
Tube MP
Deputy Milonov demanded that domestic television broadcasters on March 8 refuse to show the American romantic comedy “Pretty Woman” and “burn all the films.” Apparently, the deputy forgot that digital copies are now used. The parliamentarian's anger was caused by the very plot of the 1990 film. After all, Julia Roberts' character provides escort services to Richard Gere's character. Which means, according to Milonov, she didn’t deserve a happy ending. It is noteworthy that the TV channels listened - not one of them showed “Pretty Woman” on March 8.
Who wants raspberry pants?
The Ministry of Health obliged doctors to wear clothes of a certain color - “in accordance with the hierarchical branch of the organization,” that is, depending on their position. From purple - for management, to gray - for technical staff. The department did not specify how this will affect the quality and availability of medical care. But it’s clear: straight! After all, as you know, a society without color differentiation of pants is doomed to extinction.
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“In Murmansk, another Northern Military District veteran became the proud owner of a manually operated car. Since 2025, soldiers of the Northern Military District who returned from the combat zone with serious injuries began to be given manually controlled cars. In the Murmansk region, four people have already received cars, but the ranks of happy car owners are growing.”
Regional news release on the Russia-1 channel