“The anger is building up. I dream of revolution"

Olesya (not her real name) works as a legal assistant in Krasnoyarsk and enjoys punk rock and bird watching. She compares herself to a bird in a cage, deprived of basic freedoms, at 24. Tearing down militaristic posters, writing anti-war slogans with a marker at bus stops and remaining faithful to principles - this is what resistance looks like in Russia in the fifth year of the war.

- Hello. I also want to speak out because I feel like a bird in a cage that is not given freedom. It’s as if I’m in a prison where I don’t have enough air, and the walls are pressing harder and harder every day. At the same time, I can move around quite freely and do everyday things. But there is an understanding that a step to the left, a step to the right - and for any reason I can be deprived of even this freedom. This is not life, but survival.

I was born in 2001, when the regime had already been established, and I still live under the regime. As a child, I watched TV with my parents, and my grandmother said that only Banderaites and enemies live in Ukraine. I didn’t understand all this then, but as I got older, when adolescence began, I began to delve into it all.

In 2016, I became acquainted with Russian punk rock and thought about the meaning of the lyrics of these songs. I read the novels of Erich Maria Remarque and thought about one thing: if only the war would never happen again.

Songs and books instilled moral principles in me. My parents supported the regime, although they constantly complained that everything was bad in the country. They did not want and do not want to fully understand why and because of whom this is happening.

I graduated from school in 2018. There has never been such propaganda as there is now. We had social studies, where we discussed how a normal state should function, what taxes are and why they are needed, and much more. At life safety, we were really taught how to act in emergency situations, provide first aid, and I never disassembled a machine gun, which I am very proud of.

In 2022, I graduated from college, and when I found out that the war had started, my whole world collapsed. How can our huge, progressive country attack another in the 21st century?

I feel sorry for today’s children, because they are instilled with aggression from kindergarten. Their freedom of thought is taken away from them from early childhood. I’m really scared for the future generation, because even we, twenty-year-olds, can’t do anything with the regime: we can’t go to protests, we can’t go on single pickets, we can’t freely express our opinions even on the Internet. We know what will happen, and we are afraid.

This damned war separated me from close friends. Perhaps they will never return from emigration. My friend didn’t want to leave and said: “Why should I leave my country? After all, I love the country, not the state.” And I completely understand it.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the opportunity to leave. There is no such money, and there is no reason to stay abroad. I'm not one of the lucky ones who might have relatives there. I don’t have my own apartment, I live with my parents. There are no savings: salaries are not growing, but inflation is accelerating every day, and you need to live on something.

The authorities are even taking away the Internet from me, although before I could not even imagine that this was possible. In 2016, I didn’t even know what a VPN was, but now I buy a VPN and keep it turned on 24/7, because they want to decide for me what to listen to and watch. They are trying to take away freedom of thought and bend it under themselves. But I'm not going to give in.

I try to make my life better. I am looking for workarounds and will continue to look for them. I try to be happy and see the beautiful. If possible, I write with a marker at bus stops that I am against the war and tear down propaganda posters. My principles are stronger than the authorities think. And since I'm here, I'll fight as best I can.

But what I was lucky with was my environment. Everyone who is close to me - friends, acquaintances - is against war, does not support the authorities and wants peace. It's easier because I'm not the only one. I also often watch YouTube and read comments, where I am even more convinced that there are many of us who resist and curse the regime.

I studied at a technical school in an applied design specialty, but after graduation I went to work as a salesperson in a stationery store for 35 thousand rubles. After working for two and a half years, she worked as an interior designer by invitation for 25 thousand rubles.

Now I am a legal assistant with a salary of 40 thousand rubles per month. This, to be honest, is not enough. I live with a young man and his parents, but even so much money is spent on groceries alone. My boyfriend is a lawyer, he earns 50–60 thousand a month, but even so we don’t have enough money.

Prices in the city are very high. One of my friends, who lived in Moscow for a long time, flew to Krasnoyarsk and said that our food prices are the same as in Moscow, if not higher. A lot of money is spent on housing and communal services, and tariffs will be raised again in September. I’m worried about my grandmother that she may not be able to cope with a pension of 30 thousand.

With all this, the authorities of our region say that the average salary in the region is more than 80 thousand. But this is at the expense of the northern cities. In Krasnoyarsk, salaries are a maximum of 50–60 thousand.

We carve out money for hobbies or entertainment to somehow brighten up our lives. We go to museums, theaters, and concerts of musicians who have not yet been banned. I try to allocate money to help my parents and to take care of my bird, which also needs care. If in 2022 my 35 thousand was enough for clothes not from second-hand stores, a wider variety of tasty products, and in general one could not think so much about money, but now we have to choose: either one or the other, and sometimes even tighten our belts.

I try to preserve myself, despite all the horror around me. It's difficult, and sometimes I have hysterics because of it. At such moments, it’s easier for me to cry, and then remember that I’m not alone, there are many of us.

Music also saves. People also convey their moods through it. I also love watching birds and studying them - it calms me down and makes me happy.

I believe that sooner or later this will pass, that life will become normal. But before that, you will definitely have to fall into even greater darkness, because after the end of the war its consequences will begin.

I dream of a revolution, of overthrowing the regime. But I can't do anything. I am powerless, and this makes me terribly angry. Anger accumulates because there is nowhere to put it. We can only wait and hope that this will pass. And then we have to sort it all out.